HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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She confessed that she had some pot in her room ...

Hey Mark-

I have been following the program and for the most part things have been going pretty well lately. D did get in a little trouble one day at school but that is way better than the daily calls I was getting!!!!! He has moments but over all doing much better.

However we had a major situation happen last night that I am at a loss of how to handle it!

I came home last night and my teenage daughter (18) approached me and confessed that she had some pot in her room (which by the way was a total shock -this is the "good kid") but the reason she came to me was that it was now gone- she said she left it on her bed on accident and left the house for about 15min and when she came back it was gone.

She said the only reason she was telling me and risking being in major trouble is because she was concerned because she certainly did not want her brother or any of his 3 friends he was playing with to have it- she said they are all to young Mom and I am so sorry.

Well I approached D and he swears he knew nothing about it- that him and his friends just played outside (because no one is allowed in the house if I am not home) except for he did let 2 of the kids on separate occasion come in and use the bathroom. My daughter did say that the boys did play outside for the short time they were at the house yesterday and the only time they came in the house would have to be when she left for that short period. I searched D and his room and did not find anything. I then called the other boys mother (who is one of my best and closest friends) and told her what happened. She approached her boys and they acted shocked but she searched their rooms and did find it in one of her son’s closets.

We are at a loss as to what to do- her sons are saying that D took it and must have hidden it in his closet (because after they all played at my house they went back to the other boys house to play). D is saying he does not know anything about it period- he did not know his sister had it - he did not take it- he does not know who took it. We are at a gridlock where no one knows anything. Isn't that amazing!

My question to you is - how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?

Needless to say we are all in shock and embarrassed - we are all really really good friends and its so hard that our kids have chosen to do this- hers / mine or all of them- its equally upsetting! Neither of us beleive that this was done alone and they are all in major trouble right now. BUT we are also very concerned about accusing all of them and treating all of them like lil stealing druggies if someone *is* telling the truth. One of her sons in particular has a jaded past so its easy to assume it was him - but we don’t want his past to precede him - cause its possible he did not do it- there were 4 boys after all.

We are *not* going to be passive parents on this but it very tempting to be very aggressive on this one!

The only person I know that is telling the truth - as ugly as it is- is my daughter. I am glad she did tell but I am furious that she even had it and had it in MY HOUSE and left it to where these 11-12-13 yr old kids somehow got it and it mysteriously landed in my friends kids closet!

Any idea you may have on how to find the truth would be greatly appreciated! Also how to discipline on something like this. Would this be take EVERYTHING for 3 DAYS type deal- is that too light? Also any ideas on how to earn back their privileges on something like this? We can’t say if you don’t have pot in your room for 3 days you can have your privileges - ya know? :) ... again just looking for some direction.

Thanks!!

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Hi S.,

Re: how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?

I wouldn’t believe a word anybody said. Your daughter acted as though she was trying to be moral and ethical by telling you that she was concerned about the others using pot. The bottom line – she got busted and wanted her pot back. Her motive was purely self-serving.

Until you have hard evidence regarding who took the pot, you should not implement any consequences. The likelihood that you will get “the truth,” as you say, is very slim. I think you have lost focus on the original problem – your daughter was in possession of an illegal substance. You have bigger fish to fry than “flushing out truth.” I would shift the focus to your daughter’s potential drug abuse issue.

Please refer to the section in the online version of the eBook entitled “Questions From Exasperated Parents.” On that page, you will see what to do about Drug Abuse.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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