On trying your technique for my granddaughter B__, my daughter found some good responses - as I previously mentioned. However, after a couple of weeks B__ got worse, far worse. Now she simply takes off and we don’t hear from her for days. Although only 14 she gets around seemingly without money.
My daughter has taken all her clothes from her so she cannot go out, but even then B__ finds something and clears out. She has become more violent with her mother. Currently, B__ has been at large for two days with only the bare clothes she was in and without money.
We have had the police looking for her on the previous occasion and probably will have to do the same again. My daughter took B__ to the police station where B__ was given a real dressing-down, but she refused to look the officer in the eye and during the time she turned and said to her mother, “I f.....-well hate you.”
I understand that this type of behaviour is becoming frequent around Australia, especially with young girls in that age bracket. I don’t know much about this, but if someone said to me that B__ is possessed by a demon, I could well think that true.
Do you have any comments on the above?
When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. Some do run away. If this occurs, parents should defuse the situation, but NOT threaten or challenge the child.
For example: Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by _______________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.
Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.
Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away. I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.
Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.
If your teens runs:
- Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
- Ask investigators to enter your child into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Persons File. There is no waiting period for entry into NCIC for children under age 18. You should have something like this in Australia.
- Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
- Call back often.
- Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
- Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
- Search your teens room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
- You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.
When your teen comes home:
Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.
Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.
Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.
Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.
Mark Hutten, M.A.