i didnt call the police until i would have another episode but i let this guy back into my house because he was staying with my sister and my daughter would keep going over there so i said he could come over …well my daughter and him got the impression that he is going to live here and after a few days i told him he has to go and he got all puffy, and my daughter got an attitude, but he told her he was going to leave in a couple of days
…i told him there wasnt enough room here and i needed to get a handle on my daughter… He got pissed off and said i had more than him to worry about in my daughters life - that i should be concerned about who she would be with when he left and didnt give me a chance to talk to him before he took off….
Well the next day he was at my (supposed to be supportive sisters) and i dont know if he was there all night or not …she said they all showed up after she got out of court for being evicted, but a boy staying there said he was there when he got there at 8 o clock.
Now my daughter went to her house at 11 she was with a friend whose 20 and finally called me at 4:30 …anyways they were tooling around with this guy Joe who i kicked out. Then i got my dish network bill and there were adult movies on ppv at the times i was at work, so i called the police and they said they couldnt prove he was watching them with my daughter so they couldnt arrest him …he was at my sisters house when the police came and my sister almost got arrested for defending him. She was all-supportive for him, and said i am crazy, and said they make mistakes all the time. What do you think about boarding school to get her away from the bullshit …and im afraid Joe has been molesting my daughter.
I didnt mention that my daughter and Joe denied watching adult movies and my daughter took the policeman aside and told him she didnt want to go home with me causes she was scared id beat her up and that i drink all the time and beat her up …but he said he couldnt do anything because she had no marks …then he saw right through her and said she had to come home.
Below is an email from one of my teenage clients – along with my response. I think this discussion applies to your daughter as well. Maybe you can convince you’re her to read it:
Email from client:
I’m 16 and in love with a much older man. He’s 34 and treats me like gold but I worry about how my parents will react when they learn how old he is. He doesn’t look 34, more like 24, so I could lie to them and say he is younger but I just don’t know if I should. Advice?
Too many teen girls, some younger than 16, have written in asking me to tell them that their love affair with a much older man is “OK” or normal, and that their parents and all of society are wrong for putting an age limit on love, but I just can’t do this. Sure, love doesn’t always make sense, but the bottom line on this situation is simple: it is weird.
Take a good look at the kind of relationship we're talking about here. There are nearly two decades of life dividing the two of you and I have to ask, “What on earth can you guys possibly have in common???” I ask this with extreme caution because I, along with every parent reading this answer, fears you will say there is a bond in the worst possible way (yep, I mean sex) and that will force me to retort with words like; statutory rape, lecherous intentions, borderline pedophilia and ewww gross. Honestly the whole thing makes me want to yell, "Get out of this relationship, date guys closer to your own age and enjoy your youth!" Chances are good he enjoyed his youth, a youth he lived 15 years ago!
I can state with great confidence that most normal well-adjusted 30+ year old men (and more than a few men in their late 20’s) would run to the nearest psychologist if they ever seriously thought about having that kind of a relationship with a 16 year old child. Yes, when there are 18 years between you and you live in the 21st century a 16 year old is still a child where any normal 30-something is concerned. Sorry, I know how much teenagers hate being called children but really, you’re not an adult by any legal or socially accepted definition of the word so get over the child label and just accept that this 34 year old who treats you like gold probably has some really unsettling demons lurking in his closet and that those demons are just waiting to jump out and scare you back into a reality where teenagers date teenagers, or at least young adults, and 34 year old men don’t troll for dates at the local high school.
I wish I could tell you that love conquers all, that age ain’t nothing but a number and that men more than twice your age make great life partners and loyal companions, but I can’t. Any man that old involved with a girl who is so much younger most likely suffers from one, some, or all of the following personality quirks; he is immature, he is an under-achiever, he has low self esteem, he is a control freak, he is in an early mid-life crisis, he is emotionally confused, he routinely strays from socially accepted norms, he’s creepy, etc… When all is said and done the dude is just not right.
Consider the following:
- Teenagers who date older partners had a lower likelihood of consistent contraceptive use. For each year a partner is older than the respondent, the likelihood of always using contraception decreases by 11 percent.
- A recent study found that 6.7 percent of women aged 15-17 have partners six or more years older. The pregnancy rate for this group is 3.7 times as high as the rate for those whose partners are no more than two years older.
- "Teenage girls with older partners are more likely to become pregnant than those with partners closer in age," Planned Parenthood (2004) reported. Further, girls who get pregnant are more likely to have the baby rather than get an abortion if their partners are older.
The characteristics of adult men and the teenage women they date are clearly not ideal. Compared to teenage fathers, adult fathers with teen partners were significantly more likely to have a history of school failure, to smoke, and to have been arrested.
Although studies of adult-teen relationships are sparse, there has been some anecdotal effort to understand them. The National Center for Policy Analysis (2001) suggests four main reasons:
- An older man may be better able to care for a family than a teenager.
- Older men may expect the woman to take responsibility for contraception.
- Teenage women are not as likely to use birth control pills as women a few years older.
- Teenagers may want to become "adults" more quickly to escape an unhappy or deprived home environment.
Older men also carry liabilities that can be closely related to what seem to be their attributes. Greater independence means greater mobility, which makes it easier for older partners to abandon girlfriends. Greater experience with life increases the odds that older men will have problems with substance abuse, emotional disturbances, criminal behavior, abusiveness, STI and HIV infection, and unresolved past relationships (including ongoing ones). In particular, the HIV infection rate is nine times higher, and gonorrhea and syphilis rates are three times higher, among teen girls than among teen boys, indicating infection of younger women by older male partners (Centers for Disease Control 1990-2002; Sexually Transmitted Disease Control Branch 2002). Older male infection of younger females may be even more pronounced if, as several studies indicate, HIV-positive teenage males also tend to have had adult male partners.
A substantial percentage of younger teenagers who have had sex appear to have been forced. "Some 74% of women who had intercourse before age 14 and 60% of those who had sex before age 15 report having had sex involuntarily," as do 40% of those who had sex by 15, and 25% by 16 also reported, the Guttmacher Institute said. Sex among young adolescents is often involuntary; it frequently involves a man who is substantially older than the woman, which may make it hard for the young woman to resist his approaches and even more difficult for her to insist that contraceptives be used to prevent STDs and pregnancy.