HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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29.6.08

I feel abandoned by my husband and am embarrassed by my son's behavior...

Hi T.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark:

Thank you so much for the MOOCT website. Our son is 15 and we love him to bits - he is incredible, and he drives us crazy. Most of what we've found at your site is not news to us, but it's an organized and concrete approach that gives us tools, not idealisms. I am especially grateful for the dialogue you give us to repeat over and over; so much easier to not say the wrong things when we have a script to follow!

The Kid is just starting on High Risk diversion (county program) for multiple unruly filings and escalating behavior over the past 9 months. No drugs (multiple clean tests), no physicial violence, worst "community" crimes are curfew violations (regularly) and a couple of fights (rarely - last >1 year ago). Our major problems with him have been school (passed all classes this semester, at last, but with HUGE support from the school), outright refusal to follow house rules/parental edicts, and "loud and hurtful language" coupled with intimidating behavior (punching walls, slamming doors, blocking path) at the most minor of provocations (ie, the word "No.") In the past eight weeks he's progressed to staying out all night or two, (three occasions). And has stolen money from my husband's car the first two times (~5 bucks or so each time).

== > Here you would want to use the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” – Session #3.

This is new behavior around our house; odd as it might sound, he has attempted to respect *some* boundaries to this point. I should say, too, that this is an intelligent and socially well-developed kid that most people mistake for a better-educated young person several years older than he really is. Which means his behavior is willful, and more frustrating.

So we're several weeks past Week 4, and my husband and I are doing *fairly* well. Our son's fuse has gotten shorter; we give the simple "no" and single explanation and off he goes. He usually doesn't even try to negotiate now; just screams some predictable vulgarities as he proceeds to do whatever he wanted to do in the first place. The most recent occasion, yesterday, came after a week of few conflicts and general cooperation with no huge infractions. He had asked Thursday if he could "spend the night anywhere" on Friday and was told no by both parents. Friday, he left while we were at work and called late to ask again if he could spend the night at someone's house, and I told him no. When he (inevitably) raged about how it's not fair and he never gets to blah blah blah, I remembered my rules and told him I wasn't going to argue with him, and that I expected him home by 11pm (legal curfew). He swore again and hung up on me.

He did not come home.

== > Give him a warning in addition to telling him that you expect him to be home by 11:00 PM. “If you choose to ignore your curfew, you’ll choose the consequence. The police will be called. A runaway report will be filed. And I will go to Juvenile Probation and file an incorrigibility complaint.”

When I finally tracked him down today, he insisted that he thought I had reversed my decision during his self-pity party. Let me stress, here: This has *never* happened. And I sure didn't leave any room for misunderstanding last night. I followed the rules to the letter and did not engage in ANY discussion or back-and-forth. Also, he refused to tell me where he was and didn't come home for another five hours.

It seems to me that now he's lost the ability to get us riled up to give him an excuse to take off, he's desperate and turning to sheer invention. Does that seem correct?

== > Yes. We expect this to happen because the child’s ability-to-control-parents is waning.

Right now, of course, he's furious and hostile because I "got the police involved", and they actually called one of his friends this time to see if they could find him. I "got the police involved" the other times, too, but this is the first time they've actively tried to track him down. (Slow weekend here in suburbia, apparently.)

== > Good for you. You’re on track here.

I have three problems with this situation.

First is making sure that the way I'm handling this is correct. Although a part of me is touched by the kid's plea of ignorance, the rest of me remembers that forgetting and being confused and doing things poorly is how kids like this one show rebellion. So I've told him he'll be grounded from all privileges for three days, and that the clock starts ticking when he stops being hostile and stays where he's supposed to be. Is that appropriate?

== > Yes …but, be more specific. “Stop being hostile” is too vague. Plus you did not give a time limit.

Say, for example, “When you stop yelling profanities, the clock will start.”

Second is that my husband, when he gets back home tomorrow from his weekend getaway, will ask me ad nauseum to "let it go" and not punish him. Or punish him for only one day. And let him have his computer. He will "reward" the kid during the grounding period with computer time and money and treats from the store and friends at the house "for just a little while" and etc. He will do this, even though he says he is fully on board with the MOOCT program. How should I handle this?

== > He may be on board in word, but not in action. Having said this, a weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one.

Remember your successes. During your marriage, you and your husband have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations-with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You can also be successful at ending arguments in front of the children if you really want to. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding.

Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is, or is about to, get too heated and needs to be halted. Make a commitment to honor and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling off period. Or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion. Or write down what you're feeling and later share it with your husband, who might better understand where you're coming from.

Create your own family "rulebook." Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Your family, like a baseball team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines.

Don’t go overboard in trying to avoid arguments. Having small squabbles in front of the kids-and then resolving them peacefully-can actually be good for them; it shows that it's possible to disagree with someone you love, and that relationships don't end just because people are quarreling with each other.

Third is that I feel abandoned by my husband and am embarrassed by my son's behavior; when the police officer visited our house this evening to confirm that son was safe and sound, he was very rude to the officer. I apologized to the policeman, but can't help feeling guilty that they have to take time out from protecting our city to be subjected to such rude behavior. I know it's part of their job, but it's so unpleasant. I am ashamed of our home situation. Is it normal to feel this way?

== > Yes.

Re: husband. I’m guessing that at some level you feel as though you are “parenting” two children sometimes – your son and your husband. Plus it appears that your husband wants to remain “the good guy” in your son’s eyes.

Re: son. You need not be embarrassed by your son’s behavior. Remind yourself that he is just a kid who has a lot to learn – not a bad person with evil intentions.

Just keep doing what you’re doing, because you are really on track as far as I can tell! Don’t ignore your successes – and I’m sure there are many.

Thank you in advance for your input. I'm sorry this email is so long, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond to us floundering parents with your expertise and experience.

Sincerely,

T.

== > You’re very welcome. It was good to hear from you. Email again in the future if you need some support.

Mark

Online Parent Support

28.6.08

Franco is now rebelling because he feels he is being punished...

My two stepsons share a basement bedroom. Franco, the 17 year old, takes on the hero role and rarely breaks rules. Anthony, the 15 year old, takes on the scapegoat role and is constantly breaking rules. We grounded Anthony and took away cable TV in the basement. Franco is now rebelling because he feels he is being punished. What should we do?

==> Ground Anthony FROM the basement. In other words, have him stay IN the house, but OUT of the basement (except to sleep at night in his bed).

Franco feels sorry for Anthony when we ground him and has encouraged and helped his brother to get out of the house. Should Franco be disciplined for that? If so how?

==> Yes. Use the 1- to 3-day-discipline outlined in Session #3 entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.”

My stepsons' mother often finds excuses to take Anthony when we ground him because she feels sorry for him. Should we restart his grounding when he comes back?

==> No. But he should not be able to leave to be with his biological mother until he has completed the 1- to 3-day discipline. If his mother refuses to go along with this plan, then – yes – you restart the grounding when he returns.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

27.6.08

Has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout...

Hi Mark!

Just a question about rewards-the school counsellor started A___ on a star chart a few weeks ago (before we joined OPS) and I was wondering what to do about it. We've sort of kept it going-she gets a star for good behavior and there is a list of rewards after each 10 stars (ie) a friend to play after 10stars, dinner out after 20, a new CD after 50 etc etc...We are up to 50 stars now after giving her a star for going to bed without a fuss and not getting up a million times-she has done this all week and she got a star last night. But she wants a new CD and is taking the list of rewards as gospel-I can't seem to change them around. So, has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout or should we phase out the chart? Just not sure of what to do....

Generally her behavior this week isn't as bad as the last few weeks and we feel we are making a tiny bit of progress every now and again so thanks

Regards,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: So, has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout or should we phase out the chart?

We typically don't reward "good behavior" with extra stuff and freedom, rather we simply give acknowledgment and praise. But...

We also do not want to fix things that are not broken. Thus, if this system is working, I wouldn't change it.

When you are undecided about what course to take, ask yourself, "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child -- or will it inhibit such development?"

If it will likely foster the development of self-reliance, then it is a good course of action to take. Otherwise, you should re-evaluate.

Mark

Online Parent Support

26.6.08

Give him a call ...see if he can help you.....

I am seriously going to sign up for your online course, however I have a question> My two teenage kids are always around me. Will it be bad to do this in front of them because I was listening to one of your demo speech and they had comments about it ...said oh yeah mom, give him a call ...see if he can help you. My answer was I intend to something has to help. I need your opinion on this. I rarely have moments without them around. Thank you and I am hopeful with you and prayer. Something good has to come out of it. Thanks again, J.

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Hi J.,

It would be best that your children not see or hear what you will be doing -- otherwise it will be like showing them your poker hand in a game of poker.

My suggestion is to get a set of headphones that plug into your computer so that when you are watching the Instructional Videos, your kids can't hear the audio.

Also, you can print out a hard copy of the eBook and keep it out of sight.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I feel like I am in the middle of a Tornado...

Hi B.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark

Thanks for the quick response to my queries..I am now having a few more... I told L___ that I realised I had made mistakes etc this morning and she flew off the handle so aggressively telling me that I couldn't change things now and that she would not change no matter what etc etc..

== > This is to be expected.

I managed to remain relatively calm, at least externally but on the inside i left the room and proceeded over the next hour to experience a pretty intense emotional meltdown... it felt like a combination of guilt for the past, pain and anger at having such a difficult child and fear that it was all too much and that things were never going to change... I am thinking that perhaps it is quite natural to feel a deep emotional reaction to all this shift..??

== > That’s correct. People don’t like change, because change gets them out of their comfort zone. Plus it takes a lot of energy to adjust to new things.

I want to know if I am supposed to TELL her that she is going to have to EARN everything from now on or do I just implement the strategies without explaining exactly WHAT and WHY we are doing life like this now...

== > This was discussed in Session #2 Assignments. What you say is, “I want to try compromising this week.” Be sure to watch Instructional Video #18.

Also our situation is made complex by a few practical factors..they are:

...we have a shop business that D___ and I run that is 45 mins from home…we travel there each day but sometimes one of us is at home ( we have two smaller children who go to school) ..Many, in fact most weekends we are staying down at the shop as it is just easier that way and we take the two small children with us but for the past 6 months or more we have been leaving L___ at home due to the extreme amount of tension with her and her wanting to be with her friends etc... she has proven to be reliable and responsible in the sense that she respects the home and does not throw parties and she maintains jobs like caring for animals and garden when asked etc whilst we are away...BUT she has as a result experienced a lot of trust from me and a lot of freedom...she has not broken my trust, she is not one of those really wild kids with NO respect at all for others etc but I can certainly see the symptoms of the ODD character in her and the disregard she shows for myself and D___ and the family system in general is VERY DISTURBING… she lacks any real motivation and has left school and is not doing anything about getting a job etc..

So basically the situation is very uncomfortable and I am unsure about how I am going to fully implement the new boundaries etc when we have to attend to the needs of the business and to hers when we stay away from the home base for periods of time.. We are just about to move shop premises starting July 1st and so we will be staying down there with the small children from tomorrow for three weeks of the school holidays to get the job done...I have told her already the other day that I am not happy for her to be at home unsupervised for long periods and that she will have to come and stay with us for at least Mon-thurs and that she can be up the hill at home on the weekends to see her friends etc…She of course balked at that but has not yet refused as I have yet to implement it…Now I am confused about whether I should be allowing her any freedom to be with her friends AT All, due to the Self-reliance strategy program or should I be waiting to implement ANYTHING you teach until I have nothing else major going on in my life

== > We want our kids to have as much freedom as possible – HOWEVER – this freedom MUST be earned. “Freedom” does not contribute to the behavior problems. “Unearned freedom” does, though. Allow her to continue to have the freedom to be with her friends, but come up with something simple for her to do to earn that privilege.

... I thought I recalled reading somewhere that we should not undertake ANY major endeavour whilst going thru this program..???

== > Yes …do not fix anything that is not broken. If your daughter is living up to your trust, then do not change anything in that particular area.

I feel like I am in the middle of a Tornado and very overwhelmed with all that is on my plate so I will await your reply...

PS..You are absolutely sure that these strategies work...??? stupid question...she feels so irretrievable now...at times I feel like it's just too late..

==> Doubting yourself is normal. I track outcomes with this program, and approximately 92% of parents report that (a) problems have reduced in frequency and severity and (b) the few remaining problems are manageable. So it doesn’t work 100% of the time – and it doesn’t wipe out ALL behavior problems. But the overall success rate is very good.

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos.

My Out-of-Control Teen

25.6.08

He tries to control & dominate his family, peers and school staff...

Dear Mark, for the past couple of years I have been working with JR, as i will refer to him for reasons of confidentiality. I am after some advice as the child is facing exclusion from school due to a catalogue of offences against his peers and staff. He is following dinosaur school programme run by our behaviour services. He can, although he is only 6yrs of age, tell you about all the solutions, problem solving techniques he has learned, although refuses to put into practice. He tries to control & dominate his family, peers and school staff. A simple outing can be a nightmare, he will stop dead in his tracks and hold every-one up refusing to board the bus etc I have tried traffic lights, smiley face book, etc. the list is endless. I have given him instructions to work, if he refuses he gets count of three, instructions repeated then behaviour ignored, this seems to work and he is very bright and has amazing concentration levels and an excellent work rate, but the overwhelming desire to be 'first' to do anything,from line up which i have stopped him doing because he pushes people out of the way, to trying to beat every-one at all cost at snakes & ladders. I play football & shoot baskets with him using a small group of kids who are still willing to play with us. His humour is rude, anything to do with poop, buts,burps gross table manners, which he also has, he finds funny he loves to see a look of disgust as he eats nose contents in front of staff. Time out given he says 'don't care'. we try to reason with him he says 'blah blah. Missed play' time says not bothered, does his time without remorse. I seem to be his only friend, i tried to buddy him up with another bright little boy but he tried to dominate him and stabbed him in the hand with a pencil, needless to say we abandoned that strategy. It is so frustrating as he is so bright and could be a real little star but he just cannot seem to cope with school life, we tried one to one in the after school club but it was too intense as i had to be that step ahead of him all day long avoiding total domination at all times! Any advice on this matter would be truly welcome.

your sincerely, Jane, warn-out support worker!!

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These behavior problems could be the result of many different factors (e.g., genetic & environmental). At first glance, you described a child who (a) is on the receiving end of poor/negative parenting (e.g., a parent who is extremely critical and judgmental), and (b) has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD.

Has he had a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation yet? If not, this would be an important first step. (I would do some testing to rule out Bipolar Disorder.)

My experience with these children (i.e., children with severely disruptive behavior patterns) is that they eventually misbehave to the point where the parent has to place them in a residential treatment facility for a period of a year or more. Sometimes the best thing for these kids is to be away from their parents for awhile.

Mark

Online Parent Support

ODD vs. PD

What is the difference between Oppositional Defiant Disorder and a Personality Disorder?



Mark Hutten, M.A.

Stepfathers are often viewed as "second-class citizens"...

Hi Mark... Thanks for the link worked perfectly...with regard the first set of assignments i am struggling a fair bit mentally with applying the Love one.. My Husband is L____'s step father and has struggled with her a great deal from the start of our 8year marriage but more especially the last two years, she is 16... she has HUGE issues around him and for him to start saying he loved her EVERY nite would seem almost mission impossible, from him and she would find it very odd to say the least...even I am finding the whole thing confronting but can give it a good shot... I noticed on the side column of that page u said that it was OK to not say it every nite... What do you think...?? I am assuming that D___ needs to implement all the approaches just as much as I do for the picture to change??

Thanks So much...

Regards B.

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Hi B.,

Unfortunately, stepfathers are often viewed as "second-class citizens" in the eyes of many stepchildren.

The statement "I love you daughter" will have more meaning coming from you rather than her stepfather. However, D___ could occasionally offer a sincere compliment to your daughter that will have a near-equal effect.

In any event, I think it will be O.K. for your husband not to say "I love you" if it will seem awkward and out-of-character for him.

Mark

Online Parent Support

24.6.08

He and his group of friends are starting to drink alcohol...

Hi M.,

I've responded throughout your email below:


Mark,

First of all, thank you for your program. I am beginning session 3 and so far, I've seen some good changes between my 16 year old son and myself. We don't argue nearly as much as we use to. Sometimes I have to catch myself but for the most part, it is getting better. I was definitely the over indulgent parent and am trying to fix my mistakes. I am also a single mom.

My problem with my son is that I believe he and his group of friends are starting to drink alcohol. What is the best way to handle this problem.


==> Please refer to the "Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents" [session #4 - online version]. You will be using "The Six-Step Approach" that is also discussed in session #4.


I've also noticed that his group of friends are changing. Some of the new guys in the group are ones that he has told me that are known drinkers. I am probably a bad person for doing this, but I have read his text messages where some of his friends have talked about getting alcohol or have been drinking themselves and I always check his room or outside where they sometimes camp out to see if there are any cans or bottles. I'm not naive to think that he's never tried drinking but I don't want him to start a bad habit if he hasn't already. If I do catch him drinking or intoxicated what should I do?

==> Again, refer to the areas of the eBook listed above.

My brother who is a probation officer in a different county told me about how a school sold alcohol breath testing things (sorry not sure of the official name) and said he could possibly get me one. I have not talked to my brother about my son's possible drinking.

==> Home breathalyzers are great if your son comes home visibly under the influence or smells of alcohol - and he agrees to the test. But he will not likely submit to testing since you don't have the authority to jail him if he refuses. Also, one shot of whiskey - or a 12 ounce beer - or a 7 ounce glass of wine metabolizes in just one hour, and a breathalyzer test will not detect any alcohol. So you would have to test him fairly quickly.
Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

23.6.08

I'm feeling more detached from him each day...

Hi Mark,

Our son, I__, will be 18 next Sunday and will be a high school senior this coming August. I began your program about 10 days ago and have completed the first week. I talked with I__ about our mistakes as parents, we did have dinner together last Sunday and I have attempted to complete the other first week assignments. I have not moved on to week two though because I__ has been gone so much that I have not been able to do the number of repetitions that I'm sure are part of the program. Since school has been out, I__ comes home late (midnight to 1) during the week and later during the weekends. He gets up after I go to work and is gone before I get home from work. There are some days that I never see him. This weekend we asked him to come home by 4 on Saturday and we have not seen him or heard from him since yesterday afternoon. He does not have a job and while he says he is looking for one, I don't believe he is looking very hard. He spends his days "hanging" with his friends. There is not much to take away from him. He no longer has access to a computer (at home), has lost his phone (and the service is turned off) and does have use of a car, which is at home because he has no money for gas.

I would very much like to re-establish a relationship with him so he can live at home while he finishes high school. I'm feeling more detached from him each day and I'm sure he is feeling detached from us as well. He stills calls occasionally to check in. What would you advise as next steps? Also, in Indiana, are all parental rights/responsibilities termed at 18, or do some continue if the student is still in high school?

Appreciate your feedback and suggestions,

C.

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Hi C.,

First of all, to allow him to run …to come and go as he pleases …is a form of over-indulgence. In Session #2 and #3, you’ll find disciplinary strategies to deal with this problem. He needs to be in by curfew – and he needs to be doing some chores around the house (especially since he’s not working).

Re: parental responsibilities. If one of the parents is paying child support, he or she may have to help with college expenses until the adult-child is 21, but other than that, your obligations are met once he reaches the 18.

Mark

Online Parent Support

It just breaks my heart that he won’t open up...

Just wondered if you have any ideas about this. Our 17 year old son, D___, is silent about things that bother him. He won’t say anything about what is going on inside of him. He just got back from a week at church camp. Last year he came back all fired-up and ready to face life. This year he came back no different than he left. Only thing different is he is making an effort to get a normal sleeping pattern. He was staying up till like 4 AM, then sleeping to about 2 PM. So far he has been going to bed at around 12 or 1, and getting up at around 10 or so. He still has no job either. I don’t know what he is interested in other than computer gaming and youth group on Tuesday nights. He doesn’t hang out with friends much though. He does talk to them a lot on the phone and text, of course.

Maybe a little background will help. First off, we home school. Have done this since D___ was in the 5th grade. We are from Illinois but moved to Kentucky 4 years ago. He was very upset with this. Our other son will be 13 next month and didn’t want to move either. We got thru it but these 4 years have been the toughest I have ever faced. Also, our boys are adopted. They are half-brothers (have different fathers). We have had D___ since he was 3, and Jared since birth.

Is there any way we can help D___ open up? I never degrade my boys or anything like that. I don’t know why he won’t talk. And he says he don’t and won’t talk to anyone else about it either. He has always been the quiet type.

One other thing. A year or so ago I read a post on his MySpace where he mentioned that he came close to committing suicide once. He had the knife out and everything and then his cell phone rang. It was a girl he cared much about and that stopped him. I spoke with him about it later. He said it happened not long after we moved here. I asked him if he had looked back and realized all he would have missed if he had gone thru with it. He said yes and “That would have sucked!” So that is a plus. I told him that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I encouraged him that when things got rough he needed to get with someone and talk it out. If not me then find someone else he could trust and confide in. Just talk it out. I assured him that I loved him very much and that I would never laugh at him about anything he had to say. I know the story he came up with could be fabricated just for MySpace but D___ isn’t really like that. He almost always tells the truth and when he doesn’t he eventually gets around to it (usually soon).

It just breaks my heart that he won’t open up. And at times I get a bit fearful when he is depressed but yet won’t talk. He has something against me. I tried to find out what it is but he won’t say. And I don’t know if he would go with me to see a counselor if that is needed.

He is a really good kid. Both of them are. But teens are so hard to figure out. I don’t remember ever being like this myself.

Anyway, would appreciate any comments you might have.

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Hi D.,

We could spend the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out why your son is in a shell. His behavior is multi-factorial (e.g., his genetic make-up, his personality make-up, environmental factors, etc.).

The bottom line is that he will grow out of this -- and there isn't much you can do in the meantime (other than to simply reassure him that he is loved).

Don't take this behavior personally.

Mark

Online Parent Support

21.6.08

A great week...

Hi,

Just wanted to fill you in on a great week. We have implemented our son's chores, and he is doing them with no fuss. I do hope this continues, but am prepared if we run in to problems, which I know from experience is surely possible around here!

Am continuing reading and listening to program.

Thanks so much.

Have nice weekend,

S.

Online Parent Support

20.6.08

Do punitive consequences (Detention Centers) help or hinder a teenager with this disorder?

Mark,

My story is too long for an email, but briefly...

My son has been on probation for grand theft of a dwelling and vandalism (10/07). Since then he has 3 violations of his probation due to 4 positive drug (marijuana) tests, leaving thru his bedroom window in the middle of the night, stealing his father's car twice, stealing his father's ATM card twice. He has spent time in the Juvenile Detention for a couple of weeks for each violation. My son has symptoms you describe. Prior to 10/07, I know I was in denial as you describe in the video on your web site. He has a court date on July 8th for his most recent violation followed by a staffing meeting, in which a group of individuals from probation will decide on the best place for him. My question to you is this... Do punitive consequences (Detention Centers) help or hinder a teenager with this disorder?

I only have a couple of weeks until our court date, so I am not sure if beginning your program will help as we do not know at this point our son's future? My husband and I do know we need help and do not know where to turn for support and help.

In need,

R.

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Hi R.,

Re: Do punitive consequences (Detention Centers) help or hinder a teenager with this disorder?

I think it does more harm than good. Detention is designed to protect the community - not to rehabilitate the teenager. (You're hearing this from a Juvenile Probation Officer.)

I think you should get busy with the program.

==> Click Here to start.

Do kids grow out of this????

Hi Mark,

I was just looking at your website and the partial list of 40 items your book is said to give solutions too, does it actually have 40 sections that specifically address each of these issues, because I find that often you need a way to deal with a specific problem, eg when my son (age 6) is rude to his sister in the car, how can I get him to stop and understand he's being rude, talking doesn't help? ...stopping the car doesn't etc? There are lots of circumstances like this.

I'm after specific coping strategies, and please please please tell me do kids grow out of this????

thanks K.

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Hi K.,

There are four sessions (parents are advised to only do one session per week).

We have 2 core program-goals: (1) fostering the development of self-reliance and (2) knowing when to turn intensity on and off.

Our 5 main parenting-strategies help parents accomplish these goals:

(1) Fair Fighting
(2) The Art of Saying 'Yes'
(3) The Art of Saying "No"
(4) When You Want Something From Your Child
(5) The Six-Step Approach

So, no ...there is not 40 different things you have to know.

Mark

Online Parent Support

19.6.08

I discovered that he had taken my debit card and taken $300 out of my account...

Mark

I really need help here. My 17 year old son, who I have been telling myself is a good kid at heart – but I am just at wits end. He is currently failing a couple of classes, he cuts some classes the absolute maximum number he can without failing (though once he gets to that line, he goes to the classes). He is very, very smart, so it has nothing to do with ability.

Enough background – this morning I discovered that he had taken my debit card and taken $300 out of my account. He has taken money before, but because he was doing so poorly in school, we wanted him to do his school work and not get a job. Obviously, that was a bad decision. He does start work immediately after football camp (which is a requirement for football) on July 1. I will take his paychecks until he has paid me back, but this has got to stop!!!

Can I call the cops and scare him, or is that really bad? I don’t even have a clue how to handle this.

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Hi J.,

Let's slow down...

I want to do what is in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just got started with the program) is to simply work through the four sessions. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I'm not trying to avoid answering your questions. However, since most of the questions you listed in your email will be answered directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the "magic bullet." Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is "key" right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I would like to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Is this O.K.?

Your child is 17-years-old. It has taken 17 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don't like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn't to say that you won't notice any improvements in your child's behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program (after you have digested most of the material), email me again with a specific question regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

You're not going to "scare" your son with the cops. Don't waste your time with that strategy. Simply set-up a repayment plan (it sounds like you may already have one).

One day at a time,

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].

My Out-of-Control Teen

Struggling every day to get my 8 year old up and ready...

I am still struggling every day to get my 8 year old up and ready for, well now its day camp, not school. She procrastinates, goes back to bed. I remain calm and don't react, but it’s the struggle every day going thru this. What can I do? What are consequences for this? I have learned and doing very well to keep a poker straight face thru it all. Please advise.

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Develop a bedtime routine. Bedtime routines can be simple—something families can commit to on a nightly basis. After dinner, children have quiet playtime. Then they have a bath, put on pajamas, and have a story read by mom or dad before bedtime at 8 pm. As children get older, they get to help make decisions about the bedtime routine. You can say, ‘You can read a chapter or two or play a game with your sibling, but then it’s lights out.’

Most children do not get enough sleep. How much sleep do they need?

Age

Sleep each day

1-3 years

12-14 hours

3-5 years

11-13 hours

5-12 years

10-11 hours

Teenagers

8.5-9.5 hours

Adults

8 hours

It is recommended that school-aged children get between 10-11 hours of nightly sleep. At bedtime, do not allow your child to have foods or drinks that contain caffeine. This includes chocolate and sodas. Try not to give him or her any medicine that has a stimulant at bedtime. This includes cough medicines and decongestants.

Establish a relaxing setting at bedtime. Follow a consistent bedtime routine. Set aside 10 to 30 minutes to get your child ready to go to sleep each night. Interact with your child at bedtime. Don’t let the TV, computer or video games take your place. Keep your children from TV programs, movies, and video games that are not right for their age.

Also, do not let your 8-year-old stay up late on weekends.

Re: Consequences for not getting up on time. Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Session #3 – online version of the eBook].

Mark

Online Parent Support

18.6.08

Sibling Bullying

Hi-

I have been listening and reading through your material and, so far, I am impressed. With a degree in special education, I have taken several behavioral management courses over the years and I have read several books. This material seems to be written specifically for my family! M son is 11 and the oldest of 5. I definitely notice a difference in my son's behavior when we focus more on the positive and state expectations clearly and specifically.

My husband and I struggle with the ability to remain calm when the actions of my son affect our other 4 children. I try not to blame or accuse because that just leads to an argument and denial. I have tried pointing out to my son that he is tired and perhaps should stay away from his siblings who are "annoying" him until he is not so irritable. However, my son continues to aggravate and instigate which most of the time leads to someone getting hurt physically and/or emotionally. My question is: How do I keep a poker face and redirect or remove my child from a situation that he is hurting others when he simply does not listen?? After I have tried several attempts, I often lose my temper...which is exactly what he wants!! Should I just remove my other children from the situation and try to ignore my son?

My husband and I will continue to read over and listen to your material. I have every confidence that this program will work for us. It says what I have been saying for years...my child is not bad...it is his behavior that needs to be addressed and he needs help in learning how make better choices.

Thank you

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: … my son continues to aggravate and instigate.

While it may be common for siblings to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict.

Keep in mind that sometimes children fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" children through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the children. Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them.

Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible. Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead. Separate children until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.

Remember, as children cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

Be proactive in giving your children one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

Don't let children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many children fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

If fights between your children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.) Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.

Make sure children have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

Recognize when children just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches children that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong." Show and tell your children that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

The Tail Is Wagging The Dog

Mark,

I have been putting your principles into practise for a few months now and everything was going well until my sons best friend came back into his life big time. His girlfriend dropped him two weeks ago and he had been kicked out of both his mothers and fathers house because they cannot live with his behaviour any more, this child has uncontrollable tempers and word around the place is he is on steroids. How do I get my son back on track and to accept that his friend is a bad egg.

He stayed out all night because I was mad with him, he is not responding to the consequences unless I change them. He is now 17 and I know he would be scared if I really threw him out, but I am scared if it backfires. If I call the police when he stays out, is this not going to backfire and make him so wild with me? What normally happens in this case? Can you give some advice?

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: …son’s best friend.

Peer pressure is a very potent force, but its influence is very subtle. Often, teens don't even know they're being influenced. Teens associate with peers who are not necessarily a good influence because they don't want to say "no" …don't want to be left out …don't want to seem like a wimp …don't want to lose their friends …and are afraid their friends will tease them and spread rumors around school.

Family support is crucial to adolescents. Adolescents take their major values in life from their parents. When adolescents are negatively influenced by their peers, it is more likely because something is lacking in parental involvement. Those who do not have a high level of support from their parents are more likely to become involved in undesirable behaviors. Support and effective communication lessen adolescent's vulnerability to negative peer pressure.

Here are some suggestions:

· Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.

· Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.

· Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.

· Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.

· Get to know the friends of your teen. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.

· Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).

· If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.

· Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.

· Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.

· Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he or she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

Re: He stayed out all night because I was mad with him, he is not responding to the consequences unless I change them.

Where was your poker face? Also, “changing” consequences to meet the demands of the child is a form of over-indulgence.

Re: If I call the police when he stays out, is this not going to backfire and make him so wild with me?

I can see that the tail is wagging the dog. You have clearly lost control in the relationship. Rather than worrying about things “backfiring,” I would recommend that you concern yourself with the damage that will be done to your son if you continue to over-indulge.

Please review Session #3 in the eBook {online version}. I think this chapter applies best in your circumstance.

Stay in touch,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He acts much younger because of my passive ways of raising...

Hello Mark. Thank you for replying to my last email so quickly. My son, when he was 17, was discovered using weed with his girlfriend in our house. I of course got furious (I fall under the passive parent). I told him that if this happens again he would have to move in with his father. His father lives in Beverly Hills and I live in Burbank. Well, it happened twice thereafter and I just repeated the same threat. Finally after the fourth time, and right after his 18th birthday, he did it again, and this time I told him that he has made the choice to abuse my rules, therefore he has made the choice to move to his fathers. This was bad for him because he would be loosing all of his friends and would have to start a new school in his senior year.

In addition to the use of drugs he was also lying to me, staying out late and talking back to me and not following thru on commitments. His father was furious with me that I could do such a thing in his last year. So he paid for an apartment for him to stay at until he graduated. I consulted with my therapist before I kicked him out, and she said that I must carry through with my threat, and that it would be good for him to live with his father (which he didn't). She also said to tell him that it was his decision by not following my rules and that I did not kick him out. She said that I should call him at least once a week and have dinner with him once a week. I did call him, but almost every time we made an arrangement he stood me up.

Now that summer is here, and I have found this wonderful program of yours, I would love it if he would move back in with my and my new husband so that I can have a second chance so to speak. By the way, I was a single mom since my son was 6 mos. old. I just remarried in January and my son gave me away. He wants to live with his father who give free handouts, has been fired from jobs for sexual harassment and is a racist. I am white and he is black. When I lived with him, he would get on the phone he would constantly talk to his black buddies and say that it's the white people fault that he's not working (Movie industry) and they don't like hiring blacks. His 37 year old son lives with him! I don't want my son in this environment, and I don’t know what to do. Please advise.

I know that he is an adult, but like you say, he acts much younger because of my passive ways of raising. If he moved in with me, he would go to college and work part time. I would also make him pay rent to live here and I would follow your method of parent strategies.

Thank you,

A.

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Hi A.,

As long as your son is (a) working, (b) paying rent, and (c) working toward some type of education, I think it is fine that he lives at home. BUT – if does not follow through with the above and begins to use your house as a “flop house” – then you are back to over-indulgent parenting again – and you WILL suffer the consequences as a result (I know that you know what I’m talking about here – you’ve already gone through it before).

Give him a warning up front re: exactly what the house rules are!

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

17.6.08

I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom...

Hi Mark,

I just want to write you a quick note to vent (a little, since you are an understanding audience) and let you know that you have already opened my eyes to the dependent relationship with myself and my daughter. Wow, the part about wanting to fight with me and that actually gives her a sort of distorted acknowledgment is sort of disturbing and relieving at the same time. I have often felt that she deliberately picks fights with me to get me going but I thought I was making it up in my mind because I was becoming resentful. I want my daughter to be happy but I understand now that the relationship I've created is causing her to be act they way she acts.

By the way...I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom.

I will let you know how things go.
Best regards,
S.

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Hi S.,

I'm glad you are getting some insight into what is going on. Thanks for being open to new ways of thinking.

Stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teen Behaviour

Disciplining Your Teen
Just like children, teens need discipline, although they’d probably never admit it or even consciously think it. But, like their younger siblings, they do benefit from structure and routine, and ...

Online Parent Support

16.6.08

Our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long...

Hi K.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

My husband and I have been taking your online seminar and found it to be very helpful. Our son will be 18 in October. He's never cared about school and has become more and more defiant in the past few years. I would describe his behavior as passive aggressive. He'll say what you want to hear but then do something totally different. He says he will continue high school when he's 18 but I doubt it very much. He wants, wants, wants, but has not motivation behind any of it. He's had a little trouble with drugs but I don't think he is abusing drugs.

After taking your seminar, we found our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long. He kept screwing up so we just kept adding to his grounding. After awhile, he just ignored anything we said. The 3-day grounding rule helped a little bit, but basically he would get off grounding for a day or so then screw up again.

==> He only "screws up" if he repeats the original offense. Please refer to Session #3 and have another peak at the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid."

That's the cycle we're in right now. But our relationship still has improved because of your recommendations for daily positive affirmations, etc.

I would like your advice in how to handle our latest problem. We discovered over the weekend that our son had stolen $60 from my purse and we have seen some indications that he may be buying and selling marijuana with a group of friends. I've told him that he must pay back every penny of what he took (by doing chores, which will take him sometime to do because he only does chores when he wants something.) I'm not sure if I should go to the police. I can't prove any of this although I believe he has taken money before but can't be absolutely sure. He's had a few minor run-ins with the police already – trespassing on schools grounds at night and possession of marijuana. We have an appt with a juvenile probation office this week regarding these problems.

==> If you don't have any hard evidence that he stole money from you, then you really cannot do anything other than take extra precautions in the future (hide your money). Regarding selling/smoking pot: Get some home drug kits. Test him randomly. Involve authorities if he tests positive (otherwise you will inadvertently be grooming him to become a pusher). (It's good that you will be having a talk with Juvenile Probation Officer.)

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen


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Thanks for the advice. We had been drug testing B____ randomly but not very regularly. You gave me an idea of tying in the probation offices consequences with the drug testing. If they don’t ask for it, I will “volunteer” to drug test him. That will make both of us accountable.

Thanks for all of your online recommendations. It has been very helpful and I review it all the time. I’ll take another look at the section “When you want something from your kid”.

15.6.08

Educational Issues of Students with Bipolar Disorder

Preface
Boy at Desk

A child struggling with a bipolar disorder is often highly gifted, but may have difficulty making transitions, and may have co-morbid syndromes that make him or her distractible, inattentive, anxious, or very perfectionistic. He or she may also be sleepy from medications or may be having cognitive difficulties as a result of them. Frequently, children with bipolar disorder have associated learning disabilites and executive function deficits which make it extremely difficult for them to organize and break things down and accomplish complex tasks (we will discuss these executive function deficits in more detail below).

All of these co-morbid conditions, medication issues, known and unknown learning disabilities and organizational deficits complicate a student’s acquisition of knowledge and adjustment to academic demands.

When one also considers that these children have an illness which causes their ability to focus and energy levels to wax and wane (often according to the season) it’s not hard for parents and educators to realize these children need special accommodations in school.

In creating the type of education you want for your son or daughter, you must keep in mind that although all the children we are discussing here have bipolar disorder, each child is an individual with different social, emotional, and academic strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, their educational needs may vary from one season or school year to the next.

The JBRF Educational Page is intended to help parents, teachers and the educational team ease the strain for the child struggling with these issues and to ensure a comfort level that allows these students to learn, benefit, and excel in the academic environment.

Section 504 Option Versus Eligibility and Classification under the IDEA

Once your child has been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and perhaps a co-morbid condition such as ADHD or OCD and/or learning disabilities of any kind, your child can become eligible for accommodations in the academic environment. He or she is protected by two federal laws: Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973; and the more powerful statute enacted in 1975 and reauthorized in 1997 known as the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

Section 504 mandates that individuals with impairments that substantially limit a major life activity, such as learning, are entitled to academic adjustments and auxiliary aids and services, so that courses, examinations, and services will be accessible to them. Parents often ask why they should certify their child under the IDEA instead of under Section 504.

A Section 504 is intended primarily for use in the mainstream classroom. If a child needs minor accommodations such as a bathroom pass because he or she has frequent urination as a result of a drug such as lithium, or needs seating close to the teacher so that he or she can pay better attention, then accommodations under Section 504 may be adequate.

However, bipolar disorder is by nature an episodic illness which may become acute at times. A student with this illness typically needs more services outside the classroom and may need accommodations such as time spent in a resource room, an aide, or a later start to the school day (these accommodations will be explained in the pages below). These more flexible, all-encompassing accommodations are rarely available unless the student has an Individual Education Plan provided by an IDEA classification. (The IDEA provides federal funds to elementary and secondary schools for public education, whereas no such funding supports a Section 504.)

In other words, accommodations under a Section 504 may work as an emergency measure while the IEP process is being conducted (to help ease the stress on the child) but they are probably not adequate for the majority of children with bipolar disorder throughout the span of their time spent in school.

Under IDEA, schools are responsible for identifying and evaluating students with disabilities who may need special education and services. This federal law also requires schools to continue providing services for the student as long as they are needed through their K-12 schooling and up to age 22. The services are provided through a plan or blueprint called an Individualized Education Program—the IEP.

Before the IEP can take place, however, the student must be tested and found eligible for services. For your child to qualify for special education under IDEA, it is not enough that he has one of these disabilities. There must also be evidence that your child's disability adversely affects his educational performance.

There are 13 categories under IDEA which entitle a child to services and accommodations throughout the school day. The two that most often apply to a child with a bipolar disorder are “other health impaired” (OHI), or “seriously emotionally disturbed” (SED). The SED classification may be referred to in some states as “emotionally disordered” (ED), behaviorally disturbed (BD), or some variant of these.

The phrase “severely emotionally disturbed” may sound exceedingly ominous to parents, but in some states an ED label may make it easier to access better services such as out of district placements or a therapeutic day school or residential school if this becomes necessary. If parents do accept this label, they must be certain that the ED classification (and the IEP team) does not place the child in an inappropriate placement with students who have more delinquent behaviors.

Since every state has different laws and ways of classifying students, it may be best to speak with an educational consultant or educational attorney before setting out on this journey. To locate a trained advocate or attorney see the Resource section provided here.

Initiating the IEP Process

A child cannot receive services until a full evaluation is completed and the child has qualified as disabled under the IDEA. A parent should request an evaluation in writing after having first talked with the special education director and guidance counsellor to find out how their system initiates the process. In many states, the parents are asked to sign a consent form which makes their child a “focus of concern.” Once the process begins the child will be observed in the classroom, and a number of standardized tests that assess IQ, academic strengths and weaknesses, and language and communication abilities will be administered. Various psychological assessment tests may be administered as well. Additionally, an observation by a qualified person (such as the school psychologist) must be made as part of the assessment to qualify and place a student in an ED program.

All the testing will be done by the school system at no expense to the parents. However, parents may bring their own independent assessments to the meeting. Doing so allows a parent to handpick an experienced tester who will do more in-depth testing and supply a very specific report. Since the IEP is the critical document from which all services and progress benchmarks flow, the quality and comprehensiveness of the baseline assessments cannot be underestimated. The professional most qualified to provide this kind of focused assessment is a neuropsychologist—for all the reasons we are about to discuss.

The Neuropsychological Testing of a Child with Bipolar Disorder

Not only do the symptoms of a mood disorder impact a child’s ability to learn, but evidence is emerging that learning disabilities, attentional problems, and deficits in the area known as executive functions are a significantly associated feature of early-onset bipolar disorder.

A learning disability is assumed to be present when a child has a discrepancy between his or her ability and his or her achievement. This is typically documented when a student has a normal or high IQ, but is still two years behind his or classmates in academic learning. U.S. Public Law states that learning-disabled individuals are: “Those who have a disorder in one or more of the basic psychological processes involved in understanding or in using language, spoken or written, which disorder may manifest itself in imperfect ability to listen, think, speak, read, write, spell, or do mathematical calculations.”

These are broad and rather non-inclusive definitions of learning disabilities which address mostly verbal disabilities and which fail to take into account the non-language domains and area of executive functions. A specific learning disability is a breakdown in one particular task area, whereas executive function deficits cut across many domains and impact all arenas of life—both academic and non-academic. Executive function deficits affect the student’s ability to organize, strategize, and plan, among other things. It is highly likely that deficits in the area of executive functions will not be apparent until schoolwork gets more complicated, requires more independent work, and more planning and strategizing. Therefore, unless a child is tested and identified as experiencing these deficits, the snowballing effect of problems in this area may not become apparent until middle school or early high school. If the child shuts down and refuses to do school work at this point, parents and therapists will look to medication failure and the thriving of hormones before thinking that it may be “silent” executive function deficits.

Therefore, children with bipolar disorder should be tested with a comprehensive battery of intelligence, academic, neuropsychological, and psychological tests. These tests identify area of strength and weakness and do much to explain present difficulties and warn of future difficulties as the academic work-load becomes more demanding and intense in the higher grades. The findings of these tests will guide remediation efforts, and are critical when developing the Individual Education Plan—the IEP.

Who Should Test and How Do You Find The Tester?

Children with bipolar disorder should be tested by a child neuropsychologist. This is a professional who has specific training and supervised experience in the assessment and treatment of patients with brain disorders, and disorders of the central nervous system. A neuropsychologist typically has a doctorate in psychology and two years of postdoctoral training within a neurological or neurosurgical setting (one year in a general setting; one in a children’s unit). These professionals are licensed by the state.

To find a neuropsychologist, speak with your child psychiatrist, pediatrician, or pediatric neurologist. Other health professionals, such as occupational therapists, physiotherapists, speech pathologists and special educators may also make referrals. Remember, you are looking for someone who does more than psychoeducational testing.

A comprehensive battery of tests can easily require eight hours of direct consultation, as well as additional hours for reviewing records, data analysis, and the preparation of a written report. The cost for such an assessment will run in the range of $2,400-$3,000. Some insurance companies may reimburse a portion of the fees, but many do not. It’s a good idea to call your insurance company for preauthorization.

The school’s assessment will not be a complete neuropsychological evaluation since most school psychologists are not licensed to administer and interpret the neuropsychological battery of tests. Some schools may accept the test results that you bring them and be heartened that a seasoned professional has pinpointed areas of difficulty. However, the IDEA does not require them to accept your professional’s findings. In the event the team does not consider the findings in an independent or outside assessment, you have the right to present your findings in a due process hearing. In such a case you will want to consult with a qualified education advocate or attorney.

The Battery of Tests:

A suggested battery of tests (including the battery that examines the domain of executive functions and that should be given to all children and adolescents with bipolar disorder) is listed and discussed in depth in The Bipolar Child, Revised Edition. For the purposes of this article, we will focus only on the executive function deficits that so many children with bipolar disorder are now suspected of having.

What Are Executive Functions?

The pre-frontal cortex and the frontal lobes which are (just in front of the motor strip), are the areas of the brain that coordinate speech, reasoning, problem solving, strategizing, working memory, attention, self-control, intention, motor sequencing, and other processes central to higher functioning. When all is well, an individual can plan, strategize, break a plan down into smaller tasks in order to aim for a goal, assess if the strategy is working or not and be flexible enough to change it (“shift set”), bring working memory to bear, and sustain attention and see the project through to the finish.

Research is showing that children with attention-deficit disorder with hyperactivity, as well as those with Tourette’s syndrome, have deficits in the frontal lobes. It is now suspected that many children with bipolar disorder also have problems in the frontal lobes. When the prefrontal systems don’t work correctly, there is a major impact on the ability to pay attention, inhibit impulses, devise plans, carry them through, and alter them if needed.

The child with glitches in this area will appear distractible, impulsive and restless, and disorganized (things will be lost or forgotten; rooms will be a mess). The problem or problems in the domain of executive functioning, governed by the frontal lobes may account for the co-morbidity between ADHD and bipolar disorder, Tourette’s syndrome and Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Working Memory

Working memory is often confusing to people who understand short-term memory and long-term memory. An excellent definition of working memory is provided by Dr. Leslie E. Packer: “When you hold new information in mind while you retrieve past information to apply to it, you are using your working memory. If I ask you a question, you keep the question in mind as you mentally search through your ‘memory files or folders’ to pull out the information you are looking for. But what if memory’s ‘filing system’ is a disorganized mess? You’d know that the information was ‘in there’ but it would take you longer to find it and you may not always find it in time.”

Working memory, then, involves the ability to hold data in short-term memory while manipulating it toward problem solving or sequencing it in a logical order.

Research studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) have examined working memory and found that as memory load grows heavier, activity increases in the front area of the brain. A key part of the prefrontal cortex and certain other brain areas stay active, impressing researchers that these areas are involved in the active maintenance of information in working memory.

Bipolar children also seem to have problems with working memory. This is not surprising since they seem to have some problem in the prefrontal cortex of the brain.

Motor Skills

Executive functions also affect motor skills as the motor strip begins the frontal lobes. (If you think of the placement of a headband on the hair, imagine the motor strip there, and everything in front of it the frontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the layer of tissue just behind the forehead).

Almost all tasks—by definition—involve not only analysis, planning, monitoring, and adjustment of strategy, but also images and ideas which must be translated into sequenced motor acts. It is not uncommon for these children to have difficulties with fine motor skills (handwriting) and motor outflow (initiating action in space). This is the child who may appear lazy, unmotivated, and hopelessly disorganized. As one very bright boy put it: “Remote controls were made for people like me.”

Parents can read about the problems that executive function deficits can cause for a student at school at http://www.schoolbehavior.com/conditions_edf.htm. There are some excellent tips for educators and parents on how to better organize the child or adolescent. We particularly liked the picture of the backpack and its being labelled “Another black hole in space where papers and books disappear never to be seen again.”

How to Prepare for the IEP Meeting

The maximum amount of time allowed to pass between the parents’ request and/or agreement to conduct the evaluation to the IEP development differs from state to state, but most regulations cite a time line somewhere between fifty and 120 days. (Note: In some states the meeting at which the IEP is written is called by the somewhat misleading phrase Admission, Review Dismissal meeting–the ARD meeting.)

Whatever it’s called in your state, you will have a lot to prepare so that the meeting is productive and so that the school personnel understand the necessity of the accommodations. Being prepared will also ensure that the IEP is well written.

Parents must be prepared to educate the school team, develop a resource binder, rehearse the meeting beforehand, and decide who will be at the meeting with them (the child psychiatrist, an advocate, an educational lawyer?).

Any written materials about early-onset bipolar disorder that you want the special education team at school to review should be sent about two weeks before the scheduled meeting so that the IEP team will have time to digest the materials and better understand how to write the IEP. Few could skim and grasp the implications of this illness and construct an IEP in the hour or two allotted to the process without prior knowledge about the student’s challenges and illness.

Preparing the Binder

The three-ring binder should carry a picture of your child on the front, his or her name and grade on the spine, and be divided into sections inside. These should include:

1. Important contacts and telephone numbers.

2. Reports or letters from the professionals working with your child. An example would be letters from the psychiatrist or therapist with any recommendations they have for your child's education.

3.Results you have from private assessments such as the neuropsychological testing. These test results should support your child’s need for an IDEA classification.

4.The complete list of accommodations from this article.

5. The sample IEP from The Bipolar Child website. This sample IEP will help you with your input at the IEP meeting.

6.The Behavior/Symptom/Accommodation chart from this article is a visual aide to help the IEP team better understand how to interpret disruptive behaviors and recommend how to develop interventions which will reduce these unruly behaviors.

7.Examples of your child’s work which exemplify areas of difficulty and areas of giftedness.

8. A copy of Jennifer Bollero’s beautifully written and reasoned article called “Playing Hearts, Not Poker” available at the Harbor House Press Law site. No parent should leave home for an IEP meeting without reading or re-reading this article.

Educating the Team About Accommodations That Will Benefit Your Child

Since a parent usually understands the illness and the side effects of the medications better than anyone, he or she should be ready to spell out a list of symptoms and medication side effects and proposed modifications in the academic schedule to accommodate the child’s difficulties and to make the school day more productive and comfortable for the student.

Hopefully, by the time the education team sits down to write the IEP, the parents can provide the independent neuropsychological assessment which can pinpoint any specific learning disabilities, learning styles, and possible weaknesses in the domains of executive functions. (This neuropsychologist’s report should make recommendations for the academic arena and these recommendations should be addressed in the IEP also.)

We thought it would be helpful to divide the modifications into categories where parents and educators could see at a glance which symptoms the student has and which accommodations will have to be incorporated into the IEP. Four categories the IEP team should consider when developing an appropriate IEP for a student with a mood disorder are:

I. Symptoms caused by the mood disorder

II. Side effects of the medications used to treat the condition

III. Attention and organizational difficulties

IV. Specific learning disabilities

Constructing the IEP

The Individualized Education Plan, constructed by the school team, is a written statement of the goals, objectives, and services that will be provided to assist a child with exceptional educational needs. A well-written IEP will incorporate long term goals and very specific measurable objectives accompanied by a timetable in which those objectives will be met. Federal law mandates that an IEP include seven required parts:

1. A statement of the child’s present level of performance.
2. A statement of the goals and objectives.
3. A statement of special education services to be provided (including location, duration, and frequency of services).
4. A statement of the extent to which the child will participate in regular education.
5. The date the special educational services are to begin and the expected ending date.
6. The criteria for determining if the objectives are being met.
7. A statement of transition services needed.

The IEP goals should be written for all academic areas of need (math, reading, writing, etc) and for any school-related areas of need (such as attendance, school behavior, self-help, social, emotional, etc.) The language should be very specific.

In addition to the written goals, the document should answer the following questions:

  • What services are to be provided?
  • Who will provide the services?: Specialists, teachers, aides?
  • Which teaching methods will be used?
  • Where will services be provided: regular classroom, resource room, and/or special education classroom? Will it be one-on-one? With a small group?
  • How often will the services be provided?
  • How long will each session be?
  • When will the services begin?

To view a model of an IEP written specifically for a student with bipolar disorder, go to The Bipolar Child website: “Model IEP.

The goals of the IEP should be monitored and reviewed every nine weeks to determine if progress is being made. Parents may request more frequent feedback. Additionally, parents may request an IEP meeting at any time to review progress and to request needed changes.

Though the school is required by law to conduct a triennial review (every three years) where the student will be retested, this is generally too long to wait to determine if the student’s academic weaknesses are being remediated. We advise parents to have an annual, independent evaluation in early spring so that a meeting can be called and the results of any evaluations can be shared with the IEP team. This will ensure that the appropriate program, goals, and objectives are in place for the next school year. Some states and school districts require and regularly provide annual reviews.

Annual reviews do not require a complete neuropsychological evaluation. Instead, they focus on troublesome areas that are being remediated in school or with private tutors. Do not assume your child will tell you (or be able to identify) that he or she is having a problem or that the work is too difficult. Instead, they become Masters of Defense and develop the attitude “Who gives?”

Also, understand what “grade level” means. If a dyslexic student has a verbal IQ of 138 and her reading is “at grade level,” assume that this is a near-tragic scenario. Any child doing work three standard deviations below his or her cognitive ability (no matter what the learning disability) is a child in trouble. Some schools may not recognize this or wish to point it out to parents as they fear a due process hearing.

What If the School is Non-Compliant with the IEP?

An IEP may be beautifully written with the best of intentions but a parent may begin to notice that the mandated services are not being provided, or are being provided inconsistently. This may occur when mainstream teachers ignore the modifications and/or accommodations set down in the student’s IEP. The parent has not only to question this, but must document it as well. The parent’s first course of action is to remind the school in writing that they are required to follow the IEP. The more documentation that a parent has, the better the case that he or she will be able to advocate for the child if corrections are not made and the situation heads to mediation or due process. (Hearing officers do not like to see that schools are out of compliance with an IEP so a parent needs to document carefully.)

Any omission of an accommodation or a service should be noted in a log by the parent, and a letter detailing this omission should be sent to the special education teacher with copies to the school administrator and program manager at the district level. If the matter is handled over the telephone, a letter should be written as a follow-up to confirm the content of the discussion that says: “This is to follow up in writing what we discussed on the telephone today…”

If matters do not improve with dialogue and follow-up documentation, a parent should contact his or her state’s Protection and Advocacy group. This is a nationwide network that, among other things, devotes considerable resources to ensuring full access to inclusive educational programs. A phone call or letter from the Protection and Advocacy group requesting accommodations or that accommodations already in place be complied with, or the presence of one of the P&A personnel at an IEP meeting almost always ensures things happening.

To find the Protection and Advocacy group in your state, call the National Association of Protection and Advocacy Inc. at 203-408-9514; or visit their web site at http://www.protectionandadvocacy.com and click on “P & A’s/CAPS.

If matters still do not get resolved, the IDEA includes rules of procedure for resolving such complaints. These rules include mediation, due process hearings, and appeals to the state or federal courts. (See the section on Mediation and Due Process Hearings below.)

Functional Behavioral Assessments and Behavior Intervention Plans

Boy at Desk

While many children with bipolar disorder don’t act out in school (but save their pent up frustration and upset for home and mother), some do. The school may try to discipline, suspend, or expel the student due to unruly or oppositional behaviors without understanding that many of the behaviors are a result of the student’s condition. If you or the child psychiatrist believe that these behaviors are sequellae of bipolar symptoms, you should request that the school conduct a Functional Behavioral Analysis (an FBA). Based on the findings of the FBA, the school must write a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) into the IEP. This is now mandated by law.

The FBA/BIP Process

The FBA (Functional Behavioral Analysis) is a formal assessment which can identify problem behaviors a student is exhibiting, where they are having them, when they are having them, and with whom they are having them. The data is analyzed and a Behavioral Intervention Plan is developed which provides goals to replace problem behaviors with positive behaviors.

Only trained professionals such as psychologists or special education teachers with specialized training are qualified to conduct a Functional Behavioral Analysis. We cannot stress strongly enough that parents need to investigate the level of experience of the people assigned to conduct the FBA. If it becomes obvious that experienced professionals are not available, then the parents are going to have to insist that the school district bring in such professionals from the outside. Otherwise school districts will continue developing BIPs which are inherently flawed and subject to failure.

The data from the FBA is used by the BIP team (school psychologist, teachers, support teachers and any other professionals who work with the child) to develop an appropriate intervention plan that will:

  • Describe the behavior
  • Determine the functions of behavior
  • Develop interventions that will replace untoward behaviors with new behaviors.
  • Develop a timeline for reviewing the plan

The school will implement the plan and, over time, evaluate the outcomes as outlined in the plan.

It is important when observing a child with bipolar disorder to differentiate between behaviors that can be modified, and symptoms of the illness. For example a child may be refusing to work because he is overwhelmed by the stimulation in the room, does not understand the assignment, and/or feels lethargic from the meds and/or the illness (or a combination of these factors). Therefore, he is simply not able to perform to the teacher’s expectations at that time, as opposed to being defiant to earn the respect of his peers, or some other outcome (known as a function) of the behavior.

It may be necessary for the team to receive training in childhood bipolar disorder before the team is able to create an effective and appropriate Behavioral Intervention Plan--one intended to identify the antecedents of the problem behaviors and modify them with positive behaviors.

The Behavior Intervention Plan should:

  • Identify the antecedents to the problem behavior
  • Focus on positive supports
  • Teach replacement behaviors
  • Manipulate antecedents
  • Manipulate consequences
  • Change curriculum or instruction
  • Monitor and evaluate effectiveness and modify if necessary

Some examples of these interventions are:

Behavior/Symptom/Intervention Chart
Behavior Symptom (Antecedent) Intervention
Child refuses to do classwork -Lethargic from meds
-Cognitive dulling
-Overwhelmed by the assignment
-Allow student to work on a creative or interesting assignment.
- Have an aide work one-on-one with the child.
- Reduce the length of the assignment.
- Allow the child to work in a study carrel.
Child interacts inappropriately Inability to read social cues School offers social skills taught by school pschologist or school social worker
Child pushes other children Sensory Integration Issues Student stands at the back of the line an arms length in line away from other children

For more information about FBAs and BIPs, contact the Center for Effective Collaboration and Practice. This is a national organization that helps students with emotional and behavioral problems in school. Go to http://cecp.air.org/fba/default.htm

Two other helpful sites are:

http://www.ed.gov/databases/ERIC_Digests/ed429420.html
http://www.geocities.com/soozeej/FBAlinks.html

Where Can The Student’s Needs Best be Accommodated?

Because federal guidelines call for placing any child with a disability in the least restrictive environment, most public schools begin providing services in the regular classroom. If the child continues to struggle or does not make progress in the general education classroom, the team may decide (with the parents’ agreement) to place the child in a self-contained classroom within the public school setting. Here the class size will be reduced and there will be more accountability to the individual student. There are typically one or two special education teachers and a trained aide or two working with the student in the self-contained classroom. Depending on the student and the special ed program, the child may be “mainstreamed” into regular education classes for some academic subjects and for elective periods such as music, art, gym, computer, etc.

The time may come, however, when it becomes clear that a small, therapeutic program in a private or public school would be a more appropriate placement for the student. When a student’s illness negatively impacts his or her learning and no progress is being made academically, socially and/or emotionally, the parents and school team should begin to discuss a therapeutic day school. This is a separate school, usually with a small number of students, a small class size (six to eight children), in a classroom with a trained special education teacher and a trained aide. The child receives academic instruction along with group therapy, individual therapy, social skills classes, and art and music therapies.

Some schools will make recommendations of therapeutic day schools, but some will tell parents only about programs that are inexpensive for the school district and which may serve more as a warehousing situation than an appropriate place for education. Nor will all communities have any kind of therapeutic day school—good or bad.

In these situations, parents will want to contact an educational consultant (and may have to secure the services of an educational attorney). The Independent Educational Consultant Association has a list of reputable consultants in all areas of the country. Go to http://www.iecaonline.com or call 703-591-4860 to obtain names and phone numbers. Educational consultants are trained experts who possess comprehensive knowledge of placement options. Many consultants specialize in crisis-intervention and have extensive experience advising families with children who have emotional and behavioral difficulties. This expertise is used to advise you on the most suitable placement for your child.

Parents can also contact their Department of Education’s Special Education Division. Most states list their approved therapeutic day schools so you can at least get started. Go to: http://www.ed.gov/Programs/bastmp/SDSE.htm

Therapeutic Boarding Schools and Residential Treatment Centers

Therapeutic boarding schools are generally middle schools, and high schools that have comprehensive therapies for the students and a program to help them with self-esteem and problem behaviors. Some of them are “character building” schools, and all have individual philosophies.

At this time most of the therapeutic boarding schools do not have a medical plan for bipolar disorder, and do not provide psychiatrists on staff. If you want your child to attend a therapeutic boarding school he or she needs to be stable enough to attend school with therapy support, while maintaining a relationship with an outside psychiatrist. Additionally, some schools do not wish to administer psychotropic meds.

Residential Treatment Centers

Sometimes the school that best meets the child’s needs just doesn’t exist anywhere near the child’s home, or the child may become too unstable to stay at home and attend school. It may become painfully obvious that a change in environment with a twenty-four-hour peer group and nonparental authority figures may help the child blossom and mature in a safe environment. Maybe they are a danger to themselves or to others and they need to be in a setting that can monitor their illness, as well as provide them with tools to understand and deal with their illness.

Residential Treatment Centers (RTCs) are medical facilities. They have psychiatrists and nurses on staff. They administer medications, make medication adjustments, and provide therapy and schooling. They are required to follow a student’s IEP.

Residential schools can cost anywhere from $56,000 to over $125,00 per year. A school district may pay part or most of the fee of such a placement, but typically only after a due process hearing.

Parents should definitely seek the help of a professional consultant and the child psychiatrist should be involved with the search process. Websites that are particularly helpful are: Family Light --also known as Bridge to Understanding http://www.bridgetounderstanding.com; Peterson’s http://www.petersons.com (check under special education); and Ron Woodbury’s Struggling Teens http://www.strugglingteens.com; The American Association of Children’s Residential Centers http://www.aacrc-dc.org.

Mediation and Due Process

Some parents will need to go to mediation or due process to achieve the proper educational accommodations or educational setting for their children; and this is where the relationship between school and parents enters the legal arena and the relationship becomes adversarial. It is not recommended that parents go through this process alone, so parents will need to procure the services of an experienced educational attorney.

The decision to pursue due process is a very serious one as the costs--financial and emotional--to the parents can be enormous. To explore the pros and cons in full, first read the education chapter of The Bipolar Child, Revised Edition, especially pages 307-310; and be prepared to spend multiple hours at http://www.wrightslaw.com --the gold standard of the rights of special needs students.

To locate an educational attorney, go to http://www.abanet.org and http://www.copaa.net

Homebound Instruction

Boy at Desk

Homebound instruction is considered a “general education” placement, but it is considered the most restrictive placement because it removes the student from the mainstream and peers. However, it is frequently used for a student who is too symptomatic, or too emotionally fragile to attend school in the school building. It is considered a temporary placement until the student is able to return to school or until a more appropriate placement can be procured.

Parents need to know that a doctor’s “order” must accompany the request for home instruction. An IEP meeting will determine how often the tutors for each subject will come to the house to provide instruction and lessons for the student. Some school districts require a doctor’s therapy or treatment plan to accompany any application for homebound instruction.

Homeschooling

If an appropriate learning situation is not available in your geographic region, and if the stresses of school—any kind of school—are making it difficult for the child to function, or to recover from an episode or hospitalization, some parents may want to consider the option of homeschooling.

Homeschooling was viewed, not too long ago, as very counterculture, or something that people did solely because of religious beliefs. As outcomes of homeschooling were measured, however, and the homeschooled children often tested two years ahead of their in-schooled peers, homeschooling has become more generally accepted. All 50 states allow for it as long as the parent completes the necessary paperwork with the state’s department of education. To locate your state’s DOE, go to http://ucasdweb.iu5.org/Learner%20Links/stdpted

Thanks to advances in technology, homeschooling can be done richly and effectively on computers with CD-Rom curricula or even over the Internet. This mode of learning may be particularly beneficial for a bipolar child because it focuses learning and helps students with attentional problems. One such curriculum, Switched-On Schoolhouse, is an advanced multimedia-based learning environment that incorporates video clips, sound files, animations, computer games, drills and tests. With earphones, a parent can homeschool several children.

The student works at his or her own pace and if a hospitalization should interrupt learning, the student doesn’t miss the work but just picks up where he or she left off.

Switched-On Schoolhouse has curricula for grades 3-12, but it is a Christian curriculum with some religious content woven sporadically throughout the text. If this is an issue, a similar secular program is available from Pathway Publishers and is called “Odyssey Ware” (see homeschooling web sites below).

The availability of special education services for homeschooled children varies from state-to-state. Some states may consider a homeschooled student to be enrolled part-time in the local district; in this case, the district would continue to provide full or partial services under an IEP. Other states classify homeschooling as private schooling, so the student is not entitled to an IEP. (However, the student may qualify for a services plan. See http://www.ideapractices.org/law/briefs/brief10.php for a description of the law when parents place their child in a private school.)

You will need to research the practices and options in your state and local district. Start with your state's Department of Education. The following link may help you determine the current status of special ed services for homeschoolers in different states: http://www.hslda.org/search.asp.

To further explore the prospect of homeschooling, or to take a look at programs that may help a child catch up when work is missed, take a look at the following web sites:

http://www.home-school.com --Official web site of Practical Homeschooling Magazine, Listing of homeschooling organizations in your area, Home Life Catalogue, Discussion forums.

http://www.HSLDA.org -- The Home School Legal Defense Association

http://www.network54.com/Forum/180575-- Interesting discussion forums for parents who are or are thinking about homeschooling.

http://www.aop.com -- Switched-On Schoolhouse ‘s CD-Rom Curricula and other Alpha Omega products

http://www.pathwaypublishers.com (Odyssey Ware CD-ROM curricula, the secular version of Switched-On Schoolhouse)

ttp://www.welcometoclass.com -- On-line accredited schooling from Alpha Omega Publishers (interactive schooling with teachers, counsellors and support staff)

http://www.saxonpublishers.com

To read the story of two parents and the school they founded to serve the needs of children with bipolar disorder and their families using a CD-Rom curriculum that makes such a school economically feasible, go to http://bipolarchild.com/newsletters/0110.html.

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