Comments on ONLINE PARENTING COACH: Calling The Police On Abusive Teens

I'm proud of you. You are a good student. I wi...

2012-01-29T10:57:16.474-08:00

I'm proud of you. You are a good student. I wish all my parents were this committed.

Let me assure you that you made the right choice. She's going to be fine. And I'm sure she is a good kid, too.

You are helping her develop emotional muscles that she will NEVER develop otherwise. Better that she experience some short term, mild pain now -- rather than a lot of long term, major pain later. For example, if she does this bullshit as an adult, she could go to prison. You may have just prevented this misfortune! This is what we are trying to accomplish here: preventing WORSE problems later.

You're doing good, just like all the other parents who have been committed to this program. Unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child :)

Keep me posted ...and be at peace,

Well, you were right - it got worse before it'...

2012-01-29T10:56:51.881-08:00

Well, you were right - it got worse before it's gonna get better. She beat up on her younger brother pretty badly (not hospital badly, but lots of cuts, bite marks and choking). i called the police and pressed domestic violence charges against her and they arrested her. We live in Cuyahoga County, so they'll likely send her to the downtown Cleveland juvie center, where she's been once before. She was terrified - shaking as she gave me her jewelry and begging me to not let them take her. I told her it's time to take responsibility for her actions and she was going. I wanted to hug her, but didn't realize that until after they took her. I wish so badly I could hug her. I'm really scared for her.

She didn't come home after school yesterday ev...

2012-01-28T07:42:43.046-08:00

She didn't come home after school yesterday even though she is grounded and ended up not coming home at all last night. She was in text contact with me. I called the police around 9:00p and filed an unruly child report against her. I turned off her phone except for trusted numbers, eliminated her computer use and we are installing the lock on her bedroom door today. I think by tomorrow she will be ok because she has a babysitting job. I don't think 3 days, especially school days, of punishment is enough for this flagrant disobedience. If she complies, she'll be free for another weekend. What do you think about postponing the grounding until next weekend (assuming she does start it tomorrow)?

I think what bothers me most during all this is her tone - her texts are full of hahas and nahhh - I told her to come home, response was Nahhh, don't think so right now. I told her I turned off her phone and her response was So what? hahaha. It's like she's throwing it in my face and it's humiliating. I am keeping a cool exterior, however. It helps that she is not physically here to see my face. I am so ashamed of her.

She has been accepted to a 7-week summer program away from home, which we are all very excited about for various reasons. It is an expensive program and I am not willing to pay for it anymore. I am going to tell her if she wants to go she will have to pay for it herself. She has enough saved to cover costs after scholarship money I've already received. I have already told her if she gets kicked out for any reason she will need to reimburse me. Do you think that's still a better idea to work it that way? She has agreed to that and I told her we were going to put it in writing, to which she agreed again. She is SO excited for this program and it's with her good friends.

Looking back, my parents would've been fine with a 1:15a call to say I'm going to Denny's and sleeping at a friend's house. I know the bottom line is she just wants to have fun with her friends on the weekends and she thinks she can make it up to me another time, but that other time only comes in fits and starts. She has told me she wants to be able to look back on her childhood and have memories of fun times. I completely understand that and told her so. She said they were bowling last night (lanes are open until 2am.)

Thursday's incident I used the fair fighting, which I'm still struggling with the format because it's not coming out sounding at all like something I would say. Still, the bottom line was I told her I understood she has a crush on this boy who came over and it's excited to have those feelings, but she needs to be in charge of her feelings and not let them control her. She understood what she did was wrong - leaving the house even after Murray (my fiance) told her she couldn't. She told him ok and then promptly turned around and left! He is still shocked by this. But, in retrospect, I do believe she would do it exactly the same way again, so nothing has been learned, no progress made.

She is unwilling to start with a new therapist, which I can't say I really blame her for.

I actually re-read the ODD description this aftern...

2012-01-28T07:41:48.040-08:00

I actually re-read the ODD description this afternoon. She has always been defiant. As early as 4 years old when we left my ex - a therapist visited her in her preschool and reported back to me that she is very bossy. She has always questioned why - which I actually taught her to do. Funny how things come back to bite you. But, even though it's hard now, I don't know that I regret telling her to question things.

Even tho the behavior has increased since adolescence, it is not an abrupt change and does not seem out of character for her, sadly. But the gall of her frequently is shocking and jaw dropping and humiliating - I never joined the PTA because I'm ashamed - I don't know many other parents because I'm embarrassed by her. It's like something out of a sitcom because real people (supposedly) do not behave that way. She does not like to be told no (who does?), but she cannot deal with it when she is told no and frequently just does what she wants anyways. She is increasingly using abusive and foul language. Her grades have dropped, but whereas they were mostly B's now they're mostly C's.

The rebellion is not every day - she did come home after school M/T/W/Th as she was supposed to. She knew she was grounded tonight and I pretty much knew she wouldn't be home after school. She did text me her whereabouts because she realizes I will worry. We are very close and I know she feels my disappointment and wants to change, but the pull of her friends and having fun is more important in the moment. She is very much like my father was - always out raising hell and having fun.
She is at Jenny's and they are going to the hockey game and she'll be home by curfew. I did turn off her phone except for trusted numbers, which she texted me in response: "Everytime u do that its a downward spiral. just let it go and ull see everything will be fine. Besides I need my fone to make plans sunday for babysitting with Kelly. I will be home by midnight."

The downward spiral is verbatim from me. I replied that her phone being turned off is in direct response to her behavior, to which she replied, "Well obviously its not working LOL." She is supposedly babysitting all day for pay but at a volunteer phone-a-thon for charity.

She is a very empathetic person - she is comforting and a natural caregiver. My mom says Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but agrees she is out of control with the disrespect and disobedience.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe my daughter ha...

2012-01-27T12:31:47.895-08:00

I'm starting to wonder if maybe my daughter has a mental issue beyond just normal teen oppositional behavior. Can you tell me if any of these instances raise a red flag to you as being outside the realm of 'normal' teenage horribleness? Just this week:

Monday 8pm wanted to go 'grocery shopping' with her friend. Was told no. Immediately - in front of me - got on her cell and told her friend she was ready to be picked up. In the end, she did not leave, but mainly because we blocked her exit.

(Tuesday came home after school and went to evening class - everything apparently ok; Wednesday came home after school and I permitted her to go out for an hour or so with friends after dinner.)

Thursday came home from school slammed with homework. I allowed her to miss her evening class. A boy she has a crush on was supposed to come over and study with her. As I was leaving to take my son to the class, she told me they were just going to chill for a short while in her room. We did not allow this. I left to take my son to class, my fiance told her she could not leave with this boy, she said ok to him and then left anyway! She came back within the hour and was studying when I got home - claimed they went to Applebees for food and she did have an employment application with her.

Friday (today) calls me from school at 2pm (school ends at 3), tells me her cellphone was confiscated during an assembly and they will give it back to her at the end of the day. She expected me to convince them to let her have it now. When I refused, she started calling me names, so I closed the phone on her. The number she called from was the office, so I know it was in front of office staff.

Gearing up for another stressful weekend.