Comments on ONLINE PARENTING COACH: Implementing Effective Consequences for Teenagers

I live with my fiancee and we have been together f...

2011-11-30T07:48:27.228-08:00

I live with my fiancee and we have been together for six years, although only lived together for one year. My partner has three children, all girls and all grown up, in physical years at least that is.

Her eldest, Elizabeth, (22) has moved out and her and I get on fine and have not had any major issues, the odd glitch sure but that's to be expected.

Her youngest, Sophie, (18) still lives at home with us and is planning to travel through Europe next year. Again, we get on fine mostly and she too like Elizabeth is polite and fairly mature for her age.

Her middle child Jessica, (20) still lives at home and is a complete and utter nightmare. She is rude, obnoxious, bad tempered, has a rotten attitude, selfish, lazy and absolutely passionately hates me and wants my partner and I to split up.

She has no respect for anything or anyone and treats me like I don't exist. She does not help around the house in any way and pays nothing towards anything. She is dirty and constantly defiant and does exactly what she wants when she wants.

Now, not being her father, my partner refuses to allow me to discipline her, which would usually end up in a yelling match, so no one wins. My partner also insists on "wiping Jessica's backside" for her in doing everything, clearing up and treating her like a 3 year old. Jessica therefore often acts like a 3 year old and does things that are driving me to despair. She openly swears at me and usually does not communicate with me. My partner will not speak to her and discipline her for this ever which I find very frustrating.

This morning my son came to the end of a seven-day...

2011-11-30T07:44:54.290-08:00

This morning my son came to the end of a seven-day discipline, imposed due to extreme aggression at home, and was looking forward to getting his stuff back. However, school refusal is the other big issue at the moment, and he did not go in to school today. I warned him that he would not be playing video games or using the computer today if he didn't go into school (ie., he wouldn't get his stuff back today). When I followed through on that consequence this evening, my son had a complete meltdown. He had to be shut in his room as he was threatening violence, was trashing the house, screaming obscenities, and spitting in my face. In the event, he completely destroyed his bedroom door (which I have told him he will be paying to replace). As his previous seven-day discipline had officially ended, how long a grounding should I impose now? The behaviour was EXTREME.

Jacqui - Have you had a look at Mark's advice ...

2011-11-29T11:17:24.007-08:00

Jacqui - Have you had a look at Mark's advice on how to support your Asperger's child? I know your child doesn't have Asperger's, but my friends and I have children with attachment difficulties, and much of the advice is equally applicable to our children ... They're excellent! Similarly - I would recommend having a look at the OASSIS website - they have an excellent fact sheet on Attachment Disorder.

Thanks Mark, Your advice is very soothing. My da...

2011-11-29T06:30:56.290-08:00

Thanks Mark, Your advice is very soothing. My daughter has always been very head strong, (now 15) and have had numerous issues over the years. Always thought she was border line ADHD. But because issues weren't on a daily basis like any Brit, we just keep plodding on. We've been through drink issues, under age sex (even her half sister took her to the clinic so then she could get the pill, behind my back!), she has just finished a long term relationship, with boy who I thought was ideal, as he hated her drinking, and slowly but surely her drinking ceased. Since the break up, her behaviour has become more erratic.....and now the latest......

Recently her behaviour has got totally out of control. I believe it's due to the fact her father didn't want anything to do with her. recently she has got in touch with her half sisters (on her father's side)....and because her father and I split up due to violence (I was raped on one occasion and beaten up when mt daughter was only 6 weeks old), I wasn't really encouraging the communications. She had mentioned to going to a party a her half sisters new/first flat, I had said," I wasn't that happy about that, as she is 27 and that there would be drinking". (we have also had issues with drinking....she and her friends raided my cupboard one night when I was out. I didn;t find out until a couple of weeks later, when I went into the cupboard for something, and found all the empty bottles). She then accused ME! of beating her up...some were fabricated and some were totally fictitious. I /feel, and I told her, that I felt as though she was lashing out at the wrong person. Unfortunately she told her mentor at school, and the whole thing got out of hand. they were manipulated by a teenager , who wanted her own way. The school wouldn't allow me to see her and let her go to her half sisters, of whom she had only met twice/thrice.....I wasn't allowed to have her address or contact number. I was totally distraught, I had all authority taken away from me in a flash, I didn't know where my daughter was or was going. I left the school, in tears, and drove to my Mum's, where she just couldn't believe it. All my family, including my two older children were in disbelief. To cut along story short, she is now, after a week, back home. The first few days have been bad.....she just hates me, but I keep saying to her I haven't done anything wrong......the only thing I am guilty of is spoiling her, and doing everything for her.

The authorities had/have been informed, they did the usual checks, found there was know reason why she shouldn't come home.....they tried twice to bring her home, but failed.

So I'm now at this point, where I feel I don't know what to do. I have an appointment for a visit from the Area Children's Team...where we are supposed to get some mediation sessions put in place. But after reading your page, I don't have much hope. I feel as though, I don't recognise my own daughter any more.

That's my story in a nut-shell. Not sure if you'll gert this or if it's an automated letter.....even so, it has helped just typing it out.

Kind Regards

Jacqui