HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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RE: "I’ve had a huge row with my son this Morning..."

Hi T.,

I’ve responded to your email “point-by-point” below.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Please look for these arrows:

I’ve had a huge row with my son this Morning over nothing really. Anyway although I don’t have any concerns over his behaviour outside of home, he's become increasingly idle. Once he reached 16 he was told he had to stand on his own two feet and get a job and that pocket money would finish when he finished school.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>It sounds as though he is somewhat resistant to “standing on his own two feet.” Is there an adult male (who you know very well) that could be a mentor to your son – someone who would volunteer to have a one-on-one relationship with him and help him to appreciate who he is while developing the skills he needs to succeed in the work place?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A mentoring relationship will help your son develop work ethics and responsibility, improve self-esteem and attitudes towards school, improve relationships with peers and family members and increase communication skills. This is crucial, especially at an age where children are developing relationships with those outside of their family.

He's done nothing about getting a job, doesn't appear that bothered about not having money, and if you try to talk to him, we get told to shut up. He won’t do jobs around the house and gets verbally abusive to his younger sister, who we are waiting for a diagnosis for ADHD.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>You’ve listed 2 problems here: (1) lack of motivation to (a) seek employment and (b) help with household chores, and (2) disrespect (i.e., telling you to “shut up,” and verbal abuse toward sibling).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Regarding “lack of motivation” – I believe a relationship with a mentor (preferably a non-family member) would be of great benefit here.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Regarding “disrespect” - You cannot control your son, but you can control the things he enjoys such as telephones, television, toys, games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, bedroom furniture, etc. While he may not be willing to work for the things you want, he will usually work for the things he wants. By controlling the things he wants, you can motivate him to change unwanted behaviors. The strategy for this is discussed in the section of the ebook entitled, “What To Do When You Want Something From Your Kid.”

As soon as our back is turned, he has friends in and we end up with the mess to clear up. His room is disgusting, and he tends to leave most of the pots he uses in there till we run out and have to collect them out.

I've tried reasoning with him, and when he wants something, we can get him to conform (that usually only lasts till he's got what he wants). I've told him in the past “no mates will be allowed in” until be behaves, and that if his attitude doesn't change he'd have to find somewhere else to live. None of what I say to him seems to make a difference, and it’s starting to get me down.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please refer to the chapter of the ebook entitled “Anger Management” for solutions to this one.

I know this is probably a mild problem compared to most, but what can you suggest we do other than pack his bags for him. ~ T.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please let me know how things continue to go.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Is He Bi-Polar?

Hi D.,

I've responded throughout your email where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thank you, we appreciate the support. We are having a problem with our son accepting punishment -- whether it’s time-out or grounding. He has difficulty accepting any responsibility for his actions. He is relentless in the pursuit of what he wants, which is usually just to play.

He is very young for his age. We have been trying to work with him to go out and come home on time. Once he gets out he just refuses to come home. He'll be punished and then just do the same thing again. Currently we are having trouble keeping him in his room or the house when he is punished.

What are some strategies to help with this?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Two sections of the ebook will help you with this problem: "The Art of Saying Yes & No" ...and "Anger Management"

He continually comes out of the room trying to insight us and has escalated in this behavior. We ignore, walk away and keep redirecting him back to his room, but when he is in one of his moments it is very difficult.

He does have ADD and it is possible that he has bipolar, although the meds have not helped him, and we are currently weaning him off.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please see the two sections of the ebook: "Dealing with Teenage ADHD" ...and "Dealing with a Bi-Polar Teen"

He is 13 and the current Dr. we have been seeing since January has been unable to place him in a specific diagnosis. He has symptoms from several disorders and no clear distinction towards one. It is possible that it may still be emerging.

He has been difficult from day one. The most disconcerting thing though recently is that we have seen a major escalation in his anger and frustration levels over the last few months. Things seem to be getting worse daily. The more doctors, therapy and medications we try the worse things seem to get.

Any help or suggestions you can give would be appreciated.

>>>>>>>>>>>I'm going to send an attachment that will be quite helpful, please read the whole thing. It sounds like he may have some bi-polar tendencies. Does anyone else in the family have bi-polar disorder?

>>>>>>>>>>You have access to the Online Parent Support CHAT-ROOM now. If you think it would be helpful, you and I can set-up a day and time that is convenient for both of us and talk more -- in real time -- about your son. He sounds like a handful, but no more so than any of the other kids I work with. We may want to consider having me chat with your son too at some point. You can look over his shoulder during the chat if you and I decide this could be helpful.

In any event, I'm going to direct you to My Out-Of-Control Teen E-book because the answers to your current child-difficulties will all be addressed there.


Here's to a better home environment,
Mark

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