HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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Dealing with Parenting Conflicts

Question

My husband and I often disagree on how to discipline our defiant ADHD son. How can we find ways to agree?

Answer

As you and your husband share the responsibilities of parenting and managing a defiant child with ADHD, problems will arise. Here are a few of the most common difficulties that today's moms and dads encounter with such a child -- and how you can handle them:

1. Competition— Sometimes rivalry can develop between parents over their kid's attention and love. If dad wants his daughter to spend Saturday afternoon fishing with him, but mom wants her to go shopping with her, they may struggle to get their way, putting the youngster in an unenviable position, right in the middle of the conflict. The two of you need to find ways to cooperate, not compete, with each other. That doesn't mean you have to agree on everything; but it does mean that you are committed to working together toward a more harmonious relationship and family life, and you are not going to let differences undermine your common goals. Each of you needs to demonstrate some flexibility. As you form ground rules for the family, identify the areas in which each parent excels. That parent should then exert leadership in the areas of his or her strength, so the decision-making responsibilities are divided within the family.

2. Confusion— Uncertainty about what stands to take and what rules to impose can create turmoil within the family. Too often, moms and dads are perplexed about issues like the degree of supervision required for their kids and the amount of freedom to give them. Mothers/fathers frequently do not make decisions at all, and that can leave their kids puzzled and dismayed over what is expected of them. You and your husband need to resolve your own ambivalence on important family matters and agree on a position on these issues. Then you must clearly inform the entire family about your decisions and how their own lives will be affected by them.

3. Inconsistency— Often moms and dads differ in their rules and expectations for their youngster. Mom might say, "You can't watch TV until your homework is finished"; but when she's away, Dad may say, "Go ahead and watch TV if you want to." Dad might insist that the youngster's bedtime is 8:30; Mom may say that stretching it until 9:00 is fine. Similar conflicts can develop over issues like approaches to discipline or a youngster's choice of friends. When these inconsistencies occur, one parent inevitably undermines the authority of the other. To begin to resolve this problem, you and your husband need to be explicit with each other about what your rules and expectations are. If necessary, write them down, review them and be sure they are workable. In areas in which you differ, find a compromise that you both can live with - and stick by it.

4. Non-Communication— If you and your husband do not talk about the issues the family faces, one of you may be left out of important matters you should be informed about. To avoid this situation, you and your husband need to commit yourselves to communicate about every significant issue in your family life. At least once a day the two of you need to check in with each other and discuss what happened that day that was important. At the same time, talk about long-term issues that may be confronting the family.

5. Overt Conflict— Too often, moms and dads argue and openly challenge each other on family-related matters. Perhaps their youngster has gotten into trouble at school, and the parents disagree about how to handle it; the mother may think the youngster should be grounded, while the father believes it wasn't her fault. They start to argue - sometimes for hours or even over a period of days - and eventually, rather than resolving the problem amicably, one parent wins out because the other ultimately gives in, at least for the moment. Nevertheless, the parental power struggle often begins all over again at a later time with a different issue, with some of the same anger from the previous conflict resurfacing. The wounds never fully heal and the animosity builds. Clearly, this is not a healthy situation. Mothers/fathers need to learn the skills of conflict resolution. These include:

• Clarifying points of difference
• Generating alternative solutions together
• Listening
• Negotiating
• Taking each other's feelings seriously

Remember, the way you handle conflict in your family is how your youngster learns to manage disagreement. Many community colleges offer seminars and courses on conflict resolution.

Interpersonal relationships do not exist in a vacuum. If you and your husband are having marital difficulties, they are likely to disrupt the entire family. When your marriage is not going well, your parenting skills and your kids will suffer.

Parents in the most successful families do not neglect marital problems. They commit themselves to spending time together as a couple and working together to resolve any misunderstandings, jealousies or conflicts. They make a commitment to communicate, praise, and forgive each other; they try to understand each other; and they routinely examine their relationship and how it can be improved.

Sometimes kids are a convenient excuse for not dealing with serious marital difficulties. Moms and dads may think, "The children require so much of our attention now; once they're grown, we'll have a lot of time to talk about the problems we have in our own relationship." But that is a prescription for marital and parenting disaster. Problems tend only to become worse with time, and once your kids are grown, you may not have much of a foundation to build on - if you are still together at all. So don't be complacent and let problems persist without attempting to solve them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

How To Get Your Child To Stop Arguing

All behavior is purposeful, and as such, it is critical that you understand your youngster’s goal. Everything our kids say and do has a purpose. At its most basic level, your youngster’s focus is to have some significance and establish a place in his various environments.

A well-adjusted youngster has found his way toward social acceptance by cooperating with the requirements of the group and by making his own useful contribution to it. The misbehaving youngster is still trying, in a mistaken way, to feel important in his own world. For example, a kid who has never been allowed to dress himself (because the mother/father is in a hurry), or who has not been allowed to help around the house ("you're not big enough to set the table"), may lack the feeling that he is a useful, contributing member of the family, and might feel important only when arousing a mother/father's anger and annoyance with misbehavior.

Most kids are not aware of the goals or purposes of their behavior. But their behavior, while appearing senseless and illogical to adults, makes complete sense in terms of his own perception of his place in the family, school and community. As such, when children misbehave, they are frequently trying to fulfill one of the following four primary goals:
  1. Attention-getting— She wants attention and service. We, as moms and dads, respond by feeling annoyed and that we need to remind and coax her.
  2. Display of inadequacy— She wants to be left alone with no demands made upon her. We respond by feeling despair (e.g., “I don't know what to do!").
  3. Power— She wants to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into a power contest with her (e.g., “You can't get away with this!").
  4. Revenge— She wants to hurt us. We respond by feeling deeply hurt (e.g., “I'll get even!").
If, as you read over these primary goals, you found the behavior and the parental response resonating with situations and events in your life, you have probably discovered the goal or purpose of your youngster's misbehavior. And once you understand the goal or purpose of a behavior, you can use the following principle to effectively change it:

==> Important Principle: If a given behavior isn’t fulfilling its goal or purpose, every youngster will opt for a different behavior.

Once we know why our children are doing what they are doing, and once we understand the goal or purpose of a given behavior, we are given a tremendous lever for inducing behavioral change. Let’s look at an example so that you can understand what I am saying here…

A lot of family’s that I have worked with over the years presented with a common complaint: “My youngster won’t listen to me anymore. Any time I try to get him to do something, all he wants to do is argue. My home has become a war zone and I just can’t stand living this way anymore.”

At this point, my question to the mother/father is this, “How do you react when your youngster becomes belligerent and begins arguing with you?” In most cases, the parent says he/she gets into an argument with the youngster. There is a “debate” with the situation escalating to the point that the mother/father gets fed up and says, “Go ahead, do whatever you want. You’re not going to listen to me anyway.”

Referring back to the list of goals of misbehavior listed above, why is this kid - or any kid - choosing to escalate the situation and argue with their mother/father? Isn’t that a perfect example of a kid who is acting up in order to take power and get what he wants? And by choosing to engage in the process, the mother/father is playing right into the kid’s hands.

Now what do you think would happen if the mother/father, rather than taking the bait, simply refused to get angry and refused to argue? What would happen if the mother/father said, “I’m not going to fight with you, and I’m not comfortable even discussing this with you until you calm down.”

First of all, the kid would probably have a heart attack because this isn’t the way he is used to doing business. Mom/dad has done something different, acting in an unpredictable way, and that is very confusing to the youngster. Predictably, once the initial shock wears off, the youngster might redouble his efforts to get the mother or father to engage. But what would happen if mom or dad held the line and refused to argue and fight with the youngster? What would happen if the parent went so far as to suggest that the youngster needed to go to another part of the house and come back when he has been able to get himself under control?

With a kid that is used to playing the anger card to get his way, he is likely to refuse this suggestion and continue to try to escalate the parent. This is the way he has always played before! But what would happen if mom continued to stick to her guns and withdraw from the situation? What would happen if she refused to have the conversation until her youngster spoke to her in an appropriate and civil manner? Right! Her youngster is going to have to change his behavior.

Let's use the example of ping pong. What would happen if one of the players put down her ping pong paddle? Game over …right!? Well, the same is true in terms of our children and their negative behaviors. If we refuse to engage, to tolerate and respond to the negative behavior, they are going to have to do something different. They are going to have to select another behavior in order to achieve their goal. And as moms and dads, we can go a long way toward guiding this choice into more appropriate and respectful areas.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

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