Calling The Police On Abusive Teens

Question

My 17-year-old teenager is bigger and stronger than I am. He has threatened me physically on numerous occasions. I’m afraid to say or do anything wrong for fear of setting him off. What should I do?

Answer

There are times when your authority as a mother or father isn’t enough. If your teen has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property, or if he is engaging in dangerous behavior outside of the home, then calling the cops is definitely an option worth considering. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of your youngster, but you should be worried about how he will manage as an adult if he’s allowed to be “out of control” now.

Do school officials allow your teen to assault teachers or other students, punch holes in the wall, speak in a verbally abusive way to others, etc.? Of course not! In fact, the schools usually call the cops if a teenager assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. School officials take action because they understand something that moms and dads often lose sight of: if you don’t hold an abusive child accountable now – he will graduate to worse things in the future.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What Parents Should Do When Their Teen Becomes Violent

If your adolescent starts to threaten you, to break things or to do anything physically violent, accept that you can’t stop him at this point. It can be dangerous to try to stop an adolescent when he is violent. The most important thing is to keep yourself and your other kids safe.

1. Don’t talk to your adolescent again until he is calm and respectful. Separate if needed.
2. If there are guns in your home, remove them until you feel safe around your adolescent at all times.
3. If there has not been an arrest, you may want to consider getting an At-Risk-Youth Petition through which your adolescent can be mandated to counseling.
4. If you stay in your home, try to stay in an area with access to an exit. Stay away from the kitchen or other areas where potential weapons might be available.
5. If your adolescent is physically violent, or you think he might become violent, call 911. Police response gives your youngster the message that his behavior is serious and it is a crime. It may also result in court intervention which can be a support for your family and mandate counseling for your adolescent. Calling the police is a difficult decision, however many mothers and fathers say that it was not until after the police were called that their child stopped using violence.
6. Immediately separate yourself and your younger kids from your violent adolescent. Go to another room or if necessary, leave the house.
7. Take precautions in your home by figuring out ahead of time what is the safest and fastest way out of the house.
8. Try to remain as calm as possible. Do not continue the argument or discussion.

What to say to your teen:

1. It is important to let your adolescent know that anytime he starts to use abusive or violent behavior that you will immediately separate from him, and that you will not talk or engage again until he is calm and respectful.
2. Let your adolescent know you will call 911 if there is any physical violence and be prepared to follow through.
3. Remember that most violence begins with abusive language, so separating at the start of abuse can prevent the escalation to violence.
4. The moment your adolescent starts any of these behaviors, say you are separating and immediately leave the room. If the behavior escalates, continue to ignore it and leave the house if necessary. Call the police if (a) it becomes physical, (b) you think it is heading that way, or (c) you feel afraid for yourself or others. Follow this plan of action every time your adolescent uses abuse or violence.
5. Be specific with your adolescent about what abusive behavior is that will prompt you to separate. We define abuse as any of the following behaviors:

• Any physical violence or aggression with people, property or pets
• Name calling or hurtful words
• Swearing at people
• Threatening behavior
• Yelling or screaming at people

Give the following messages to your teen when there has been violence:

1. 911 will be called if you are violent, or if I feel afraid for the safety of our family.
2. Violence is dangerous and it is against the law.
3. We will talk about consequences for your behavior after you calm down (this should include getting professional help).
4. When you are violent or abusive I will separate from you.
5. Your behavior was not safe. Our home needs to be a safe place.

Calling 911 sends an important message to the adolescent that violence is not acceptable and that it is a crime. If the adolescent is arrested or a police report is filed (sometimes the adolescent is not arrested and taken to detention, but a police report is filed) he will probably be required to attend counseling, which can be helpful. The court’s response can be the most effective consequence for an adolescent who is violent. Parents receive support from the court in enforcing the rule of nonviolence in the home.

You can call the police if your adolescent is physically violent (e.g., pushing, shoving, grabbing, kicking, hitting or any physical contact that is hurtful), violent with property (e.g., throwing things, hitting, punching, kicking doors, walls, cars, or destroying property of any kind), threatening to hurt or kill a person or pets, or interfering with a call to the police.

Anytime you are afraid your adolescent is going to become violent, you can call the police. If your adolescent has not become violent when the police arrive, let them know you were afraid and tell them of any past violence. Some parents say they feel embarrassed or “silly” calling the police when their adolescent hasn’t really been violent but they were scared it was heading that way. It is important, and you have a right, to call the police anytime you fear for the safety of yourself or other family members.

Calling the police to discipline a teenager is not only a call for help by a mother or father, it is an admission that the situation has gone beyond the point where the parents are able to manage the behavior of the abusive teenager.

Each call to a police department is treated as an emergency. When a parent contacts the police to discipline an abusive teenager, many departments will dispatch a social services unit or community services officer with the patrol or "sworn" officer (i.e., the one who carries a weapon and can arrest people). Many departments, however, do not have the resources to maintain such units.

The first person through your door will be an armed officer whose first responsibility is to ensure public safety and enforce the law. Officers never decide who's right and who's wrong at the time of the incident. If your teenager has broken a law, he may be taken into custody. The officer may try to calm you both down, summon a social service officer, or inform you that police are not authorized to act in situations where no law has been broken and that you will need to discipline your teenager yourself.

The officer who answers your call may only enforce discipline in two situations: the commission of a status or criminal offense. Although teens can be held responsible for breaking laws, the law does not treat them the same way as grown-ups. They are often diverted to special "juvenile courts" or "alternative dispositions," such as community service.

Truancy, underage drinking, tobacco and curfew violations are examples of offenses based on a teenager's status as a juvenile; they may result in the issuance of a citation or, in extreme situations, removal of the teenager from the home for evaluation. Citations are often dealt with in a municipal or town court.

If your teenager has broken a criminal law, it is the duty of the officer to arrest him and deliver him to the judicial system. Many juvenile courts have social service departments that handle youthful offenders and some have "diversionary" or restorative programs that deal with first offenders.

Sometimes police make an arrest even though the parent requests they don’t arrest their teenager. The decision to arrest is the officer’s decision, not the parent’s. However, if you want your child to be arrested, explain his behavior to the officer and let them know if there have been previous violent incidents. Inform the officer if you do not feel safe with your child is at home.

Most moms and dads have mixed feelings when their teenager is arrested (e.g., feeling guilty, shocked, tearful, and like they are a bad parent). But they often report that their child’s abusive behavior decreased after the arrest. Most parents say that calling the police was one of the hardest, but most beneficial decisions they have ever made for their teen. They are finally getting help and there is no longer violence in the home.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Understanding Your Defiant Teen’s Resentment and Aggression

Teenage anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teen anger -- the behavior -- that we as parents see. Some teenagers may repress their anger and withdraw while others may be more defiant and destroy property. In this post, we will look at what happens when “normal” teenage anger turns into resentment and aggression.

Why such resentment and aggression in my child?

1. It’s important to make a distinction between resentment and aggression. When you’re resentful, you feel as if you’ve been wronged; you want to get back at someone. Aggression is about striking back, but resentment is more a sense of defensiveness and waiting for an attack. In other words, resentment is the attitude, and aggression is the action. So the attitude is, “I hate that you try to control me.” Aggression is the behavior you get.

2. Moms and dads may feel some “hatred” coming from their defiant teen, and they often overreact to that by doing something that makes them feel powerful (e.g., yelling, screaming, threatening, etc.). But these responses don’t solve the problem or motivate your youngster to take responsibility for her own aggression.

3. Once your teen is in an agitated state, she’s thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and she’s blaming you and other authority figures. She sees herself as a “victim.”

4. Part of the function of aggression is to build a wall. It’s like a brick mason: aggression is meant to stop you from getting too close.

5. Another reason for a resentful attitude is that parents are comparing their teenager to other teens – or to themselves when they were teenagers. This often happens when the teenager has gotten in trouble or has started to get bad grades. Moms and dads need to remove statements such as “you should be more like…” -or- “when I was a teen…” -or- “you used to be so…” out of their conversations with their teenager. This allows the teen to start at the present and improve from there rather than constantly “living down” the past.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Some teens want to appear “out of control” whether they are or not. So remember, aggressive teens get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And that’s the agenda – to gain control.

7. Defiant teens are very ambivalent about their moms and dads during their teen years. They love you when you’re nice to them, but they hate you when you tell them what to do. This is because they still “need” you – but at the same time – they wish they didn’t.

8. Teens that are chronically “pissed-off” are like this because they have developed a way of thinking that makes them the “injured party” all the time. These “thinking errors” tell them that things are never fair, that their moms and dads are unreasonable, and that their educators are “retarded.” They think that nobody understands them but their peers. After teens have used these “distortions in thinking” for awhile, they get into even more trouble and develop an increasing sense of hyper-vigilance.

9. Another reason for unreasonable resentment on your teen’s part is depression. Resentment is one of the symptoms of depression and can be a warning sign that something else is happening in your adolescent’s life outside the normal realm of teenage defiance. Questions to ask are:

• Are they acting confused?
• Are they eating more or less than usual?
• Are they feeling guilty about something?
• Are they having difficulty concentrating?
• Are they more angry or irritable?
• Are they seeing or hearing things that others don’t?
• Are they sleeping more or less than they have in the past?
• Do they have a lack of patience with others or with themselves?
• Do they seem to have lost their energy?
• Have they been crying a lot?
• Has there been a significant weight gain or loss?
• Have they lost interest in their usual activities?
• Is their self-esteem lower?
• Is there an increased interest in sexual desires to the point where they are “acting it out”?

Teenagers often respond to stressors of new situations by getting depressed (e.g., attending a new school, breakup of friendships, divorce or other parental problems, recent move to a new neighborhood or city). Look back a few months and note the changes in your son’s/daughter’s life.

10. Here’s a big one: Low Self-Esteem. Resentful, aggressive teens have a very small sense of self-worth.

What resentful teens often say:

• "When my parents make me feel bad, it reminds me of all the other times that people make me feel bad. I already don’t like myself, and criticism just makes it worse."
• "I get resentful at my parents because they argue with each other. I don’t respect them."
• "I get resentful because I love my parents and they act like they hate each other. How am I supposed to respect them when they act like that?"
• "I get resentful when I have a lot of things on my mind that I can’t do anything about and then my parents ask me to do something when I’m already tired and over loaded."
• "I get resentful when my parents are unfair and there’s no point in talking to them."
• "I get resentful when my parents ask me how my day went. I’m trying to forget it and they make me remember it. I wouldn’t care if they didn’t make everything worse."
• "I get resentful when my parents make me feel guilty for something that already happened. I get tired."
• "I get resentful when there are other priorities, no time for me and I feel like I don’t matter."
• "I treat my parents the same way they treat me."
• "I’d rather be resentful at my parents than feel afraid or feel hurt. I’d probably hurt myself if I wasn’t resentful at them. That’s no excuse but that’s how I feel."
• "My parents are stupid. They don’t understand. They just say they do, but they don’t. I can’t stand to be around them."

So what can parents do to reduce resentment and aggression in their teenagers?

1. Do not allow rude and disrespectful behavior. If you "over-react" (rather than respond) to their putdowns and backtalk, you're allowing it! Learn to walk away and say something like: "If you continue to talk to me that way, the consequence will be __________” (insert serious consequence). Is he/she continues to “trash you” over the course of the next few minutes (less than 5), then follow through with the consequence.

2. Do not let yourself be swayed by the "but everyone else is doing it" line. You know what is best for your teenager and the hostility they feel towards you for putting your foot down will soon pass – and they even thank you later.

3. Don’t try to talk your youngster out of her resentment, and don’t try to reason with her. Reasoning just gives your youngster a feeling of false power (i.e., more of a sense that she’s in control and you’re not).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If there are clothes or electronic items they want that exceed your budget, make them pay a portion of the cost. They will appreciate what they have much more and will less likely grow up with a sense of entitlement.

5. If you tend to do things for your defiant teen in order to get her to love you, she might love you – she might not! But if you do things and carry yourself in such a way that she respects you, then she will “want” to love you. Teens tend to “want” to love the parents they respect.

6. Make sure you set clear and consistent boundaries. Teens do well when the guidelines are clear. Even if they argue with your rules, stick to them anyway. Part of the role of adolescence is to oppose their moms and dads.

7. Make yourself emotionally and physically available despite your teenager wanting distance from you. They're on the fence. Part of them is leaving the nest and the other part of them needs the safety and security of home.

8. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. Rather, you’re looking to gain their respect.

9. Respect their personal space. It is not your right as a mother or father to randomly snoop through your teenager's room. They do not become more trustworthy by hearing, “I don't trust you anymore.” If you have no reason to snoop – don't do it.

10. Show an interest in the things that interest them. Grab any chance you get, just to chat (e.g., in the car when you're chauffeuring them places). They still need to know their life is important to us.

11. The more you ask, “Why the attitude?” …the more your youngster will simply state (or scream) her case. Thus, never question “the attitude.”

12. Get professional help if things do not improve!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Child's Grades Start To Drop

"My son did so good in the 6th grade, but now in middle school, he can barely bring home anything better than a C. Any suggestions?!"

Sound familiar?

When your youngster brings home that report card showing grades that are less than great (and maybe downright pitiful), sometimes it's difficult to know what to do. Do you act like it doesn't matter, have a long discussion with your son or daughter about the importance of grades, or automatically discipline them for having bad grades? While all of these may seem to be tempting options, it's important that you actually work with your children to help them start improving their grades.

If your child’s grades seem to be going down the toilet, here are 25 things you can do to “save the day”:

1. Bad grades can be a result of a variety of problems. So, the first thing to do is take stock of why you child is not getting the grades you think he/she should. Is it just because he/she is lazy or is there another problem? Are they having trouble seeing the board? Do they understand what the teacher is saying? Do they ask questions when they don’t understand? Does he/she have trouble remembering what they have learned? Do you put too much pressure on them to perform and maybe they are not as capable as you think they are? Are they bored? These are definitely questions you should be finding the answer to – without grilling the child. Simply ask them to be open with you so you can work together.

2. What worked in the past? Think about a time when your youngster got his homework done well and with no hassles. What was different? What made it work that time? Ask your youngster about it and believe what he says. See what works and motivates him instead of what motivates you.

3. Have realistic goals. When you structure your youngster’s study time to help him bring his grades back to an acceptable level, be realistic in your goals. Remember, it took time for your youngster to get behind, so you need to allow time for him to catch up. Get actively involved in your youngster’s homework by reviewing it and helping with study strategies. On occasion, try to be present during study time. If you can’t be there, try to get your youngster into in an after school program or ask another trusted grown-up to be there with them.

4. Despite the fact good study habits are, largely, a discipline we instill in our kids, we must always bear in mind that learning through play inspires kids to learn more. So, any opportunity to mix play and learning together should be taken. Hence, making learning play is a study skill. Note TV and video-computer games are not considered play since they increase anxiety and aggression.

5. Don’t restrict your youngster from ALL privileges until his grades improve. Restricting your youngster from all of his privileges until he brings his grades up usually backfires. In effect, you end up taking away something that might actually motivate him to improve. Instead, require your youngster to study for a certain amount of time each day to earn those extra privileges that evening.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Teach your child to manage interruptions. He should turn his communications off when he studies. Even better, put them out of site. If the cell phone rings or an email announces itself, what happens? Many students struggle with managing interruptions like these, and work grinds to a halt.

7. Good study skills emphasize relaxing and thinking about the challenge (brainstorming possible solutions) before tackling it. Creating a plan of attack ahead of time is often helpful to the child. In this way assignments can be simplified and completed in small, digestible bites, avoiding any overwhelming feelings.

8. Good study skills mean once homework is begun, no distractions should be allowed. This teaches kids to concentrate on their studies. Some children like to stand up and then sit down while studying. This can increase circulation and aid attention and is okay. Other kids like to put on their favorite study hat when they do homework as a physical reminder to help them concentrate on their work.

9. Give your child a bottle of water. He needs to stay topped up with enough to concentrate fully. Keep a bottle nearby, because good study habits depend on hydration.

10. Homework should be prioritized, with the most difficult tasks completed first, while the youngster is fresh and alert, or, alternatively, waiting until a parent arrives home to tackle an especially difficult problem.

11. It is important that kids begin their studies soon after arriving home, with no noise or distractions to interfere with their doing homework. A desk, adequate lighting, quiet, and a comfortable chair are a good start. Giving school studies the highest priority at home causes kids to give it a high priority in their lives.

12. Kids may have different learning styles. Some kids learn better by hearing, others by seeing a demonstration, and still others by reading. Keep in mind that your youngster may have a learning style that suits him best. Teach to his style. For deeper learning, use all three styles together.

13. Within the parameters you set around schoolwork, your youngster should be free to make his own choices. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise you won’t be helping him with his responsibilities. If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle.

14. Make sure your youngster is paying attention to the teacher. His eyes should always be on the teacher when she is talking. One way to confirm that he is paying attention is to check with the teacher. A second method is visiting the class and seeing for yourself. Another way is to make sure he is regularly answering and asking questions in class. Hence, when he arrives home, ask him about his class participation.

15. Meet with your youngster’s teacher. Call your youngster’s teacher and ask for a meeting. Tell her what you are seeing at home—and then ask what she has observed in the classroom. Ask her for any ideas she might have to help your youngster get back on track.

16. Moms and dads must use their own judgment to determine, for example, if the kids should play for a short time, after school, before commencing their homework, or if they should dive into it immediately, and how long study breaks should be. What is best will be determined by what works for your family. Remember to praise kids for work completed properly and on time. It may be that your kids will move heaven and earth to get their homework done if allowed to play right after school with their friends. Again, what works best for your family will determine your decisions. Bear in mind, however, that the later in the day school study begins, the less its importance becomes in the youngster's mind and the more likely the youngster will tire before completing it.

17. Putting difficult problems into one's own words can help a youngster understand the problem better, instead of relying on rote learning. Beware of rote learning where your youngster can repeat the solution to a problem, but doesn't understand what she is saying. Therefore, stress to her that understanding the problem is more important.

18. Regular scheduled play breaks are important. A play break can be used as a reward after a particular problem is completed correctly. In this way the completion of a difficult problem is associated with a reward, play. What's more, a play break should not involve TV or computer games, but physical movement like playing with friends or going outside to play with the dog. Video-computer games and TV increase anxiety and aggression. These activities are associated with obesity and decreased learning in school. What's more, they interfere with old fashioned play and, therefore, increase obesity.

19. Rewarding a student for good grades is a judgment call. If it works for your youngster, why not, but remember the bottom line is that our kids learn to enjoy learning for its own sake. This is why making learning fun and learning through play are such excellent study skills.

20. Set limits around homework time (e.g., weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed; if grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your youngster can focus and have more time to concentrate on his work; homework is done in a public area of your house; homework is done at the same time each night, etc.).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

21. A common problem for many children is a lack of structure in their after school schedule. Make sure sports or other clubs do not come first, with homework being fit in at the end of the day when your youngster is tired. This is not a good lesson to teach your youngster, because it gives them the message that play comes before work—and is therefore more important than work. Schoolwork has to be prioritized, and a structure has to be set up so it isn’t squeezed in at the last minute.

22. Stop the nightly fights. The way you can stop fighting with your children over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school in the future. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your youngster do his job.

23. Study habits are learned at home. Parenting means teaching our kids these skills and making them habits. Study skills are so important to good grades that some think grades really measure how well moms and dads teach their kids to study, particularly in the primary grades.

24. Take a break. If you feel yourself getting reactive or frustrated, take a break from helping your youngster with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your youngster do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

25. Talk to your youngster about what’s going on. Have a frank conversation with your youngster about his grades. Say, “Look, I’ve been letting you manage your homework on your own, but it’s not working. Now we’re going to set up a study time every day where I supervise your work. We can talk about not doing that once your grades get back up where they need to belong. But in the meantime, we have to seriously set aside some time to work on this.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents