Helping Children Accept The New Stepfather

Question

I am a divorced mother with a 15-year-old daughter. I am about to become married to a wonderful man, David. My daughter tolerates him – but says she doesn’t really like him and is even a bit defiant around him. How can I help her accept my fiancée as her soon-to-be stepfather?

Answer

Kids grow by facing and working through challenges. The challenges presented by divorce and remarriage present opportunities for growth. However, kids are only able to grow from challenges if they are in a manageable range (i.e., not so easy that kids don’t have to stretch to meet them, but not so hard that they can’t stretch enough). The younger the son or daughter, the more moms and dads must help to bring a conflict into this manageable range.

The challenges of a new family are multi-faceted and different for each youngster. Your daughter is at a particular developmental point with specific needs, resulting in very particular meanings that a stepdad might have for her at this point. For example:

• David will occupy much of your attention, and this my present a special issue if there are times that your daughter is at her father's home longing for you.
• If her father is alive, she may maintain hope that you and he will remarry. In her mind, the stepdad may interfere with that scenario.
• Your daughter may feel like she is abandoning her biological father if she is too affectionate with David. David may parent differently than her father, perhaps in ways that she prefers, thus adding to these feelings of disloyalty.
• Add to the mix that David has his own adjustments to make and the fact that your relationship with your ex will have its difficulties as well.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

For any youngster, this situation is not only complex, but highly individualized. This is the reason a generic, one-size-fits-all approach does not exist. But there are various general approaches and attitudes that you can use that can help your daughter:

1. Your daughter will grow emotionally and will develop the strongest relationship with David if you help her accept and understand her situation in all its complexity. Some challenges she faces may remain unresolved. For example, biological dads sometimes are jealous of their kid's (and ex-wife’s) relationship with the new dad. If that is the case in your situation, your daughter’s growing love for David will affect her dad. Ignoring this reality in the hopes that she doesn't notice or think about it could negatively affect her relationship with her father, her stepdad – and even you. Do not burden her with a heavy discussion about matters that she has not really taken in or is not ready to discuss, however.

2. You can find your way by remaining available and nonjudgmental. Imagine your child telling you that her father says that he doesn't like David. You could ask how she felt hearing that. Imagine your daughter saying that she worries about father. You might ask the very logical question, "Do you worry that he would be upset if you and David had fun together?" If she agreed, you could simply let her know that you understand how hard this would be. You might add that her father also wants her to have fun.

3. It is your ex-husband’s job to work out his mixed-up feelings, and it is your daughter’s job to feel good with the important people in her life. In this way, you provide understanding and encouragement while not trying to cover the situation or artificially resolve it. Your daughter will have many years ahead during which she will face changes in her environment and in her feelings. If you maintain the distinction between behavior and her inner world, and continually offer an open, affirming and guiding approach to her struggles, in all likelihood, her relationship with David will evolve into a meaningful and sustaining one.

4. Lastly, require your daughter to behave well and respectfully toward David. However, restrict your approval or disapproval to her actions rather than her thoughts and feelings. For example, deal with her defiance with the same disapproval and consequences you would use for her actions in any situation. But don't try to talk her out of her feelings. You could say, “You may not like it when David tells you to pick up your clothes from the bedroom floor, and it is OK to feel that way, but you still must obey him.” It is not recommend that you say something like, "You should love David."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Having said this, here are a few general guidelines for enjoying a successful blended family. Some of these will apply to your specific situations, others won’t:

1. All family members argue, so don’t assume all family arguments are the result of living in a blended family.

2. All relationships are respectful. This is not just referring to the children' behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now.

3. Being civil. If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt or completely withdrawing from each other, you're on track.

4. Beware of favoritism. Be fair. Don’t overcompensate by favoring your stepkids. This is a common mistake, made with best intentions, in an attempt to avoid indulging your biological kids.

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be sure to discuss everything. Never keep emotions bottled up or hold grudges.

6. Compassion for everyone’s development. Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers, for example). They may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences.

7. Don’t allow ultimatums. Your children or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.

8. Don't expect to fall in love with your partner’s kids overnight. Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.

9. Find support. Locate a step-parenting support organization in your community. You can learn how other blended families address some of the challenges of blended families.

10. Find ways to experience “real life” together. Taking both sets of children to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the children used to your partner and his or her kids in daily life situations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Insist on respect. You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.

12. Limit your expectations. You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s children that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.

13. Make parenting changes before you marry. Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your children won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.

14. Make special arrangements. If some of the children just visit, make sure they have a locked cupboard for their personal things. Bringing toothbrushes and other “standard fare” each time they come to your home makes them feel like a visitor, not a member of the blended family.

15. Room for growth. After a few years of being blended, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another.

16. Solid marriage. Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because you don't have couple time like most first marriages do. You'll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.

17. Spend time every day with your youngster. Try to spend at least one “quiet time” period with your youngster (or kids) daily. Even in the best of blended families, kids still need to enjoy some “alone time” with each parent.

18. Too many changes at once can unsettle kids. Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Teen Vandalism

The official definition of vandalism is given by the Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). It says that vandalism is "willful or malicious destruction, injury, disfigurement, or defacement of any public or private property, real or personal, without the consent of the owner or persons having custody or control" as stated in the most recent Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Fact Sheet on Juvenile Vandalism.

Vandalism includes a wide variety of acts such as:

• breaking or throwing items out of windows
• damaging parked cars
• damaging trees
• posting graffiti in public places
• setting false fire alarms
• setting fires
• smashing mailboxes
• stealing
• tampering with equipment (e.g., vending machines, pay telephones)
• trashing unguarded property (e.g., empty buildings and/or lots, public or semi-public toilet facilities, school property) 

Making Sense of Adolescent Vandalism—

There are a number of reasons why an adolescent might vandalize property:

• could be part of an initiation in a gang
• in the case of graffiti, the adolescent considers vandalism as a form of self-expression or art
• someone dared him to do it
• sometimes adolescents make poor decisions when they are bored
• the girl he likes admires someone who takes risks
• they could be succumbing to peer-pressure
• to get revenge against someone

Some of the behaviors and situations that are linked to adolescent vandalism include:

• binge drinking
• feeling hostile towards the property owner
• peer pressure
• seeking money to buy drugs 

In the case of graffiti, however, there may be other factors at works. At least some graffiti vandals consider themselves "graffiti artists" or "street artists." It seems that these teenagers view their efforts to be towards ornamenting or enhancing coupled with self-expression. The international fame of Banksy, the English graffiti artist, and other graffiti artists has likely contributed to “teen confusion” about whether graffiti vandalism should be considered criminal.

Adolescent's graffiti creations, while not in sanctioned places, may have artistic merit. This possibility places this type of adolescent vandalism in contrast to types of vandalism in which items are devalued through being smashed or broken. Graffiti is only “wrong” because it is created in the wrong place.

While addressing adolescent vandalism often involves reparation and repair of damaged property, addressing adolescent vandalism involving graffiti may also involve providing the teenager with a sanctioned place in which to perform his/her "art" and opportunities to put the talent to a positive use. 

Consequences Associated with Adolescent Vandalism—

Besides repairing damage to structures, covering graffiti, replacing ruined property, there are other high costs to adolescent vandalism. Publicly viewable vandalism changes the atmosphere of a place. It may give the impression that the people in the area do not value their space and that the area is not well-protected and perhaps unsafe. This may result in reduced use of the area in and around the damaged property. Property, such as subway cars, that has to be removed from service in order to be cleaned of graffiti or repaired also can cause disruption of service. 

How can you know if your adolescent is engaging in vandalism?

Unfortunately, vandalism is very easy for an adolescent to hide. Unless they bring a street sign home as a souvenir, there is no ‘evidence’ to find, and rarely do they act differently than they normally do. That’s why it is important for moms and dads to do two things:

1. know where your adolescent is at all times, because an adolescent who knows his mother or father cares - and is involved - is more likely to avoid becoming a vandal
2. talk about vandalism with your teens and explain why it is not a good idea

Are moms and dads liable?

Vandalism, defined as the willful or malicious destruction or defacement of public or private property, has become a significant problem in many communities across the United States. As a result, many states have passed laws to make moms and dads liable for their children's vandalism. Although the law generally states that one person is not responsible for the actions of another, and that the person who commits an illegal act is the one who suffers the consequences, the parent-child relationship carries some unique responsibilities.

Although moms and dads may be liable for their teen’s acts of vandalism, the good news is most states limit how much a mother or father can be forced to pay. In addition, some states limit the financial responsibility to property damage, though others also include personal injuries. Depending on state law, parents may only be required to pay for damages to property owned by public entities like cities and schools, though some states require payment to private property owners as well.

A teen can be charged monetary fines for their acts, and also can be charged with a crime if they are caught vandalizing. Depending on age and state law, teens can be processed through the juvenile justice system or through the adult system. If vandalism damages occurred as a result of gang activity or if the property damaged belonged to a school, the penalties can be more severe.

Vandalism isn't the only act for which moms and dads can be liable. For example, if an adolescent takes his father’s gun, even without permission, and brings it to school or commits a crime, the father may be subject to criminal charges. Similarly, if a teenager is at fault in injuring someone or damaging property while driving, the parents can be liable. Moms and dads can also be held liable for permitting a minor to drive without a license or learner's permit. 

How to explain the problems vandalism causes?

It is important that moms and dads explain how to distinguish pranks from vandalism. Often, adolescents think vandalism is a ‘victimless crime’ (e.g., they don’t believe they’re hurting anyone by spray painting graffiti on a brick building, or tossing a few eggs at a neighbor’s car). Help them see the ramifications of their actions. Explain to them that vandalism costs taxpayers a lot of money because the property must be repaired and the crime must be investigated. That takes money away from other important things that your adolescent may care about. For example, because the school has to use money to cover up graffiti, they may have to cut out art programs. Besides repairing damage, there are other high costs to adolescent vandalism. Publicly viewable vandalism changes the atmosphere of a place. It may give the impression that the people in the area do not value their space and that the area is not well-protected and perhaps unsafe.

If you find out your teenager has vandalized something, the best consequence is to make them clean it up and/or pay for repairs. When they have to scrape off the gross, dried egg – and they see that it takes off paint – the message will be loud and clear. If you happen to have a graffiti artist on your hands, then it’s important to provide them with a sanctioned place to stage his art or opportunities to put the talent to a positive use.

Also, it’s important that moms and dads communicate that vandalism is a crime. If they are caught, they can be charged with a crime and that will stain their permanent record as they try to go to college and start a career.

Addressing Adolescent Vandalism—

Different approaches are taken to adolescent vandalism. Education is one approach. Making sure that adolescents can distinguish pranks from vandalism is one issue addressed.

Repairing and restoring property, which has been found to ease public concerns as well, is another. Reparation is often part of the restitution if an adolescent vandal is caught.

A third approach to preventing adolescent vandalism is prevention. One way of preventing vandalism is providing alternative activities for adolescents. Teen centers, schools, and community groups may sponsor alcohol-free activities, for example. Patrols in areas that are susceptible to vandalism may also help discourage adolescent vandals from harming it. 

Preventing Vandalism—

If you see an area that has been damaged or defaced by adolescent vandalism, report it immediately. If it’s your own property, make any necessary repairs as soon as you are cleared to do so by local authorities. Often, vandals will re-hit an area if they believe nobody is watching or nobody cares that it has been defaced.

One of the best ways to keep adolescents from engaging in vandalism, or really in any negative or risky behavior, is to provide adolescents with positive options to use their free time. Encourage your adolescent to take up a sport, club, exercise class, or extracurricular activity. Allow them to get a job babysitting, mowing lawns, or walking dogs, which will instill a strong work ethic and help them earn extra money while keeping them busy. Check the YMCA, churches, Boys and Girls Clubs, 4H, and other youth nonprofits for safe adolescent activities. Often, adolescents can take classes at the local community college and transfer the credits to the college of their choice after high school. They can take most electives without a prerequisite, and might enjoy the taste of adulthood that goes along with taking classes at a higher learning institution.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Parental Abuse by Teens

"I need help with knowing what to do with my teenage son who has been getting physical with me (pushing, getting in my face, yelling, almost butting heads with me). I'm a single mom - he is bigger than me and obviously stronger. I'm worried!"

Teenagers may learn that by threatening, intimidating, and behaving in an abusive manner, they will effectively frighten a mother or father into doing what they want (e.g., giving in or allowing them to have their way). One teenager stated, “I know how to get out of being grounded. I just start knocking stuff off the shelves, and my mother tells me to get out of the house.”

Abusing the parent may also give a teenager (who’s feeling powerless) a sense of control. It should be noted that teenagers who threaten physical violence, push or hit their parents, or destroy property (as part of an overall pattern of violating the rights of others) have moved beyond typical teenage rebellion and into oppositional defiance and/or conduct disorder.

Moms and dads struggling with their teen’s abuse are often confused and belittled. It can be hard to discover ways to keep everyone safe, including the teenager whose behavior is posing the risk to positive family relationships and safety. It can be difficult to know how to make things better. You are not alone! Here are some stats:

• 9% of all family violence incidents recorded by police involve parents/step parents who report violence by a child/stepchild ages 12-24 years.
• Teen violence exists across all communities, social classes, cultural backgrounds and geographic areas.
• Teen violence is not just against parents. Many teenagers are also violent to their siblings.
• Teen violence often becomes a major problem between the ages of 12 and 17 years.
• Mothers are more likely to be abused than fathers.
• It is estimated that approximately 70% of perpetrators are male and 30% are female.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Listen to your own warning bells. You know when things are not right, so go with your own feelings and thoughts. You may have experienced teen violence if:

• you are ‘walking on eggshells’ trying to predict your teenager’s wants and needs
• you feel afraid of upsetting your teenager, and you change your behavior to avoid it
• your teenager blames you for his/her behavior
• your teenager constantly criticizes you and puts you down
• your teenager pushes, hits, punches or hurts you or his/her siblings, throws things or damages your possessions or those of other family members
• your teenager ridicules or tries to humiliate or embarrass you, your family or friends
• your teenager threatens to hurt you, themselves or others (e.g., children, family, friends, pets) if you do not meet his/her demands
• your teenager threatens you that he/she will leave home if you do not do what they want

Things to remember about violent behavior:

• All violence is inappropriate, and physical violence and property damage are criminal offenses.
• It won’t go away! Violence generally worsens over time.
• Teenagers may apologize after the violence, giving you a false sense of hope that things may improve. They usually need more help to change.
• The teenager will not be able to stop their violent behavior on their own. With support from others, you can help to facilitate the change.
• The violence is never an acceptable or healthy way for the teenager to solve problems in their life, their family or community.
• Violence may not happen all the time. It may occur in cycles or as isolated incidents.
• Violent behavior is the responsibility of the teenager. You did not cause the teenager to be violent.
• You are not responsible for your teenagers’ behavior.
• You don’t have to know why things are happening to enable change to happen. Even a small change may feel like an improvement in the situation.
• You may find it is difficult to deal with a violent teenager, as you are the provider and supporter for many of their needs.
• You may not want to report violent behavior to the police because you are concerned for your teenager’s future.

If you are suffering abuse at the hands of your teenage son or daughter, here are some tips:

1. Get your teen acquainted with anger. Anger is a normal reaction to frustrating circumstances. Teenagers need to understand that it's okay to feel this emotion, but it's not okay to punch a hole through a wall because of it. Moms and dads can try to sit down and talk with their teenagers (when everyone is calm) and help them recognize what kinds of situations trigger their aggression. Once they recognize the physical responses they have when they are getting angry, or when they've identified the kinds of situations that often gets them in trouble, they can better anticipate and avoid reacting negatively. Teach your teenagers techniques on how to diffuse their anger, or teach them to walk away before the situation escalates.

2. Make an honest self-assessment. Studies show that teenagers are more likely to get violent if they are also exposed to violence in the family. It's not okay to respond to bad situations with aggression, whether you are in a position of authority at home or not. It's also important to reconsider keeping firearms at home. Research shows that guns kept at home are more likely to be used against a family member or friend than against intruders. Make an honest self-assessment on how you and the other grown-ups at home respond to frustration, especially if the teen's actions are the source of frustration.

3. Present a united front. Moms and dads and other care-givers can work together on solutions for managing the problem of parent abuse whether it is directed at one or both parties.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Rebuild an appropriate parent/child relationship. Help your teen understand what you expect. Consider the use of behavior contracts and family meetings. Remove privileges when necessary and spend time together doing things you both enjoy.

5. Remind yourself that you do have inner strength and wisdom. You might not feel like it now faced with what seems like such an insurmountable problem, but you do have strength. Marshaling that strength will help you do something. It might be learning more about parent abuse, interviewing therapists, finding a support group, etc. Just doing something can help you banish the feeling of powerlessness that often comes with parent abuse.

6. Solve problems with teenagers. Moms and dads, especially those who are “overprotective,” tend to make the mistake of fixing everything for their teens. While the intention may be good, the truth is that it doesn't help teenagers develop problem-solving skills. It helps when moms and dads sit down with teenagers and problem-solve with them. Involve them in recognizing the problem, facing it squarely, and thinking about solutions and possible consequences. If the problem involves them, then it's best to make sure that they're involved in the solution as well.

7. Team up. Moms and dads must understand that they can't be with their teenagers at all times. Teenagers will never flourish and grow up to be well-adjusted citizens with their moms and dads constantly looking over their shoulders. When dealing with abusive teenagers, there are dangers that need to be addressed, and parents will not always be there to help their teenagers make the right decisions. For example, teenagers will not always listen to their mother or father about staying away from gangs and their guns. Guns are, in the eyes of teenagers, symbols of power. Teaming up with other parents, teachers, counselors, community workers and neighbors may be a more efficient way of keeping an eye on your teenagers and exposing them to positive peer influences. In a sense, it's like casting a wider net with the help of concerned and trustworthy grown-ups.

8. Think safety. Making a safety plan and calling the police, if necessary, does not mean you don’t love your teenager. We all want to protect our kids, but that protection can’t be traded against personal safety. Everyone has a right to physically and emotionally safe.

9. Understand that turning the problem around will take time. As you experiment with different resources, allow time to determine if what you are trying is really for you. If not, why not? For example, what kind of therapist do you think would work best with your family? Is it someone that values a collaborative approach? Someone that has more traditional positions on family roles and responsibilities? It is important to look for a good fit that feels comfortable.

10. You are not alone. Again, although the problem isn’t often talked about, it does exist – and it is increasingly common. Blaming is not the answer or even a useful response to the problem.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents