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Resolving Sibling Conflict: Tips for Stressed Parents

Sibling conflict is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters.  It is a concern for almost all moms and dads of two or more children. Problems often start right after the birth of the second youngster. 

Sibling conflict usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to moms and dads.  There are lots of things parents can do to help their children get along better and work through sibling rivalry in positive ways.

There are many factors that contribute to sibling conflict:

• Kids feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness.

• Kids may feel their relationship with their moms and dads is threatened by the arrival of a new baby.

• Kids may not know positive ways to get attention from or start playful activities with a brother or sister, so they pick fights instead.

• Kids often fight more in families where moms and dads think aggression and fighting between siblings is normal and an acceptable way to resolve disagreements.

• Kids who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to become frustrated and start fights.

• Each youngster is competing to define who they are as an individual.  As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests.  They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.

• Family dynamics play a role. For example, one youngster may remind a parent of a relative who was particularly difficult, and this may subconsciously influence how the parent treats that youngster.

• How moms and dads treat their children and react to conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along.

• Not having time to share regular, enjoyable family time together (e.g., family meals) can increase the chances of kids engaging in conflict.

• Stress in the moms and dads' lives can decrease the amount of time and attention moms and dads can give the kids and increase sibling conflict.

• Stress in your kid’s lives can shorten their fuses, and decrease their ability to tolerate frustration, leading to more conflict.

• Your kid’s developmental stages will affect how mature they are and how well they can share your attention and get along with one another.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How Parents Can Reduce Sibling Conflict—

1. Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Older and younger kids may have different privileges due to their age, but if kids understand that this inequality is because one youngster is older or has more responsibilities, they will see this as fair.  Even if you did try to treat your kids equally, there will still be times when they feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you. Expect this and be prepared to explain the decisions you have made. Reassure your children that you do your best to meet each of their unique needs.

2. Don’t play favorites.

3. Enjoy each of your kid’s individual talents and successes.

4. Let each youngster be who they are.  Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.

5. Make sure each youngster has enough time and space of their own.  Children need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and to have their space and property protected.

6. Pay attention to the time of day or other patterns in when disagreements usually occur. Are disagreements more likely right before naps or bedtime or maybe when kids are hungry before meals?   Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned quiet activity when the children are at loose ends could help avert your youngsters’ disagreements.

7. Plan family activities that are fun for everyone.  If your children have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict.  It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.

8. Set your children up to cooperate rather than compete (e.g., have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other).

9. Teach your children positive ways to get attention from each other.  Show them how to approach another youngster and ask them to play, and to share their belongings and toys.

10. Try not to compare your kids to one another (e.g., don't say things like, "Your brother gets good grades in math—why can't you?").

11. Set aside “alone time” for each youngster, if possible.  Each parent should try to spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis.  Try to get in at least a few minutes each day.  It’s amazing how much even 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your youngster.

12. When you are alone with each youngster, you may want to ask them once in a while what  are some of the positive things their brother or sister does that they really like and what are some of the things they do that might bother them or make them mad. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!

13. Listen—really listen—to how your kids feel about what’s going on in the family.  They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.

14. Celebrate your kid’s differences.

15. Let each youngster know they are special in their own way.

16. Research shows that you should pay attention to your youngsters’ disagreements so that no one gets hurt, and you can notice abuse if it occurs. Try to see if your kids can work out their own disagreements, but remember that younger kids will probably need you to intervene and help structure the problem-solving.    Try not to take sides and favor one youngster over the other. Get them settled and calm first, then ask questions about what happened before dispensing discipline.

17. Help your children develop the skills to work out their disagreements on their own.  Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc.  If you give them the tools, eventually they will have the confidence that they can work it out themselves.

18. Don’t yell or lecture.  It won’t help.

19. It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel.  Hold kids equally responsible when ground rules get broken.

20. In a conflict, give your children a chance to express their feelings about each other.  Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings.  Help your children find words for their feelings.  Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.

21. Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.

22. Give your children reminders and advance warnings (for example, counting to three). When they start picking on each other, help them remember to state their feelings to each other.  Help them solve the problem themselves. You can offer suggestions, but let them decide what the best options are.

23. If you are constantly angry at your children, no wonder they are angry at each other!  Anger feeds on itself.  Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your kids how to manage theirs.

24. Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.

25. Model good conflict resolution skills for your children when interacting with them and with other family members.

26. Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately.  Separate the kids.  When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed.

27. If your kids are physically violent with each other on a regular basis, and/or one youngster is always the victim, is frightened of the brother/sister, and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse.  You should seek immediate professional help and guidance.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Involve your kids in setting ground rules.  Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles.  Here are a few ideas:
  • Any youngster who demands to be first will go last.
  • If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your children certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices. 
  • If borrowing is a problem, have the youngster who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral—a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned. 
  • If the children fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out. 
  • In a conflict, no hurting (e.g., hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is ever allowed. 
  • No fighting in the car or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again. 
  • No making fun of a youngster who is being punished, or you will also be punished. 
  • No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.

What are family meetings, and how can they help with sibling conflict?

If you have older kids, call a family meeting every once in a while. A family meeting is a meeting for all family members to work together to make family decisions. Moms and dads, kids, and any others who live in the home and have a stake in decisions affecting the daily life of the family should take part. Choose a time that works for everyone.  Establish a set of rules (e.g., no yelling or name-calling, everyone gets a turn) and allow everyone to have a say, even if members don’t agree.

The purpose of the family meeting is to recognize that everyone's opinion makes a difference.  The meeting allows the family to share their opinions, seek understanding, and find resolutions to problems. Family meetings help to build cooperation and responsibility, and make anger and rebellion less likely. Also, it is a time to share love, develop unity, and to build trust and self-esteem. The social skills and attitudes that kids develop within the family circle are the skills and attitudes they will carry with them the rest of their lives

Ground rules for family meetings:
  • Everyone gets a chance to talk
  • Everyone has to listen 
  • No one has to talk 
  • No one puts anyone else down
  • Okay to say what you feel 
  • One person talks at a time and does not get interrupted

Sample agenda for family meetings:
  • Clarify the issue to be discussed
  • Determine priority issue(s)
  • Determine the most effective solutions
  • Discuss family issues, concerns, interests, and positive events of past week
  • Generate possible solutions
  • Make plans to implement the solution
  • Plan one fun activity for the coming week

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips for Future Stepmothers

 Becoming a Stepmother?

The prospect of creating a blended family can evoke feelings of excitement, relief, nervousness and worry in a future stepmother. Experiencing a wide variety of feelings is normal and common. Because building a successful blended family requires a lot of energy and commitment, it is important for the future stepmother to talk to her future husband about what they expect from each other and their new family, both before and after the marriage occurs.

This enables them to discuss important issues and can help them avoid serious problems down the road. It is critical to have realistic expectations and goals for blended family life. Time spent wisely during courtship can lay a foundation for positive blended family relationships.

Beginning a new family requires careful consideration. Think about these questions:
  • How have you managed the strong feelings about your former spouse? To what extent do these feelings affect your present relationship with your potential new spouse?
  • What goals do you have for this marriage?
  • What values are important for you to have in common with your future mate?

People desire to get married or remarried for a variety of valid reasons. It is important for the couple to discuss their motives for wanting to marry, because they may be different. Likewise, an understanding of - and respect for - each other's basic values and priorities is essential to the success of any close relationship.

Losing a former partner through divorce is usually accompanied by strong feelings (e.g., sadness, anger, guilt, etc.). Each individual in the prospective marriage needs adequate time to heal before re-entering another marital relationship, or the adjustment to blended family life will likely be more difficult. The couple should assess their feelings about former spouses and honestly consider how those feelings are impacting their present relationship.

Employment—

An individual’s job frequently occupies a large percentage of his or her time and energy, making it something around which family life largely revolves. Consider these questions when thinking about your job:
  • Will your new marriage require a job change for you or your spouse?
  • How compatible are the demands of your career?
  • Whose job has priority in deciding where to live, working overtime, etc.?

Employment can bring many positive outcomes (e.g., financial support, friendship, self-esteem, etc.). However, employment can also be emotionally and physically demanding, time-consuming and stressful. When contemplating marriage, it is important for future spouses to understand each other's feelings about their careers and the amount of time and commitment they require. The life changes that a new marriage brings may tempt people to change or discontinue their current job. However, too many major changes at once can be stressful. Often it is recommended that future spouses continue in their same career path until they have made an initial adjustment to their new blended family.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Financial Issues—

It is essential that future spouses communicate about financial decisions and their personal philosophies about money. Each individual brings previous experiences and perspectives about family finances to the new marriage — often the expectations are vastly different. Consider these questions:
  • How much money does each of you make?
  • Who provides what proportion of support and living expenses?
  • How should money be allocated to kids?
  • What financial responsibilities do you have to other family (e.g., child support, maintenance, care for an elderly parent, etc.)?

Financial issues are a common source of stress in many families, but they can be especially problematic in blended families. Blended families are usually more complicated than first-time families because there are more relationships to consider and more sources of income. Child support payments can be a difficult issue in blended families. Child support obligations continue the link between former partners and are often a source of persistent problems. It can be stressful for people in one household to have to base their financial decisions on the needs of another household (e.g., it is not uncommon for women in new marriages to be frustrated because their spouses must pay a substantial amount of money to support their kids from a previous relationship).

Before getting married, it is important for future spouses to decide whether they will pool their resources or keep them separate. It is also highly recommended that they construct a tentative family budget. Although discussing financial issues will not likely eliminate all problems with money, it helps the two understand the specifics of each other's financial situation and provides the impetus for making important decisions together.

Living Arrangements—

A major issue for blended families is where they will live, and who will live with whom. Consider these questions:
  • Do kids live with you now, or do you anticipate they will in the future?
  • Do they have a special place for their belongings, even if they only live with you for short visits or holidays?
  • What living arrangements work best for your family?
  • Who should be responsible for which household chores?

In an ideal situation, the blended family is able to begin living together in a place they can call their own. Moving into a home in which a previous partner and/or kids lived can be uncomfortable and make the new members feel like outsiders. Creating a home together that is new everyone provides a fresh start for the blended family. However, a new home is often impractical, financially or otherwise. In any case, it is essential that all members in the family have spaces of their own, even if they do not live in the household all the time. Also, being able to choose how to decorate one's own room or space is usually exciting and can ease the transition into blended family life.

It is also important that everyone be involved as much as possible in making decisions about household chores. Kids will be less likely to resent decisions made by stepmothers about chores and other responsibilities when they have participated in the decision-making process. Future spouses should keep in mind that there are many ways to perform household chores, and people from different families often have different expectations regarding who should be responsible for which tasks. Discussing these issues before the marriage occurs paves the way for a smoother transition to blended family life.

The Kids—

Building relationships with stepkids is a huge task, one usually requiring a great deal of time and effort. You should consider these questions:
  • Do you and your new spouse want to have kids together?
  • How well do you know and relate to each other's kids?
  • What do you want and expect from your stepson/stepdaughter?
  • What role do you want your future spouse to play in your kid's lives, now and in the future?
  • What types of custody/visitation arrangements do you currently have?
  • What types of rules and discipline do you want operating in your home?

It is absolutely necessary that people spend adequate time discussing their beliefs about child rearing, discipline, rules and other issues related to their kids before they decide to get remarried. Once the man and woman make the decision to get married, it is important that they tell their kids directly and give them an idea of the effect the remarriage will have on their lives. Kids will likely have many questions and concerns about the new family, and it is important to take time to address these questions in a serious, respectful manner. Making sure that kids are included in the wedding plans and other family-related decisions gives them the feeling of having some control over their lives.

Moms and dads need to realize that their kids will probably not view the remarriage with the same emotions as they do. Although the man and woman are looking forward to gaining a new mate, the kids may feel as if they are losing their mother to the new partner. This can be especially upsetting to kids if they took on greater responsibilities in a single parent family and developed a peer-like relationship with their parent.

Also, stepkids will probably not feel strong positive feelings for their stepmothers automatically, and vice versa. Although two grown-ups may love each other, they may not necessarily love each other's kids right away. Patience is necessary for all parties in a blended family, because it can take years for bonding to occur in blended family relationships.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Kids will likely be affected differently in the blended family, depending upon their age and level of development.

Preschool: Remarriage can be confusing to young kids. Their familiar routines will likely be disrupted, and they may require more attention and affection from their parents. It is important that they feel loved by both of their biological mother and father, as well as the new stepmother. At this young age, most kids will react positively to a stepmother who tries to establish a good relationship.

School-age: Kids in elementary school often have a wide variety of feelings when one of their parents remarries. They may feel anger and hostility because remarriage dashes their hope that their biological mother and father may get back together. Feelings of frustration may occur if they have to share their space or possessions with new stepbrothers/sisters, or if they are subjected to new rules and routines. If kids feel displaced by the new stepmother, they may try to attract attention by being "extra good" – or acting out. School-age kids may be embarrassed by the remarriage because they do not know how to tell their peers or teachers about it. Other common feelings include guilt, betrayal and uncertainty. It is important for moms and dads to reassure their kids that they are still loved and important. Like preschoolers, school-age kids need to maintain a positive relationship with the biological mother with whom they are not living.

Teens: Adolescents may experience many of the same feelings as school-age kids (e.g., anger, hostility and frustration). They may become withdrawn and seemingly apathetic to the new marriage. It is common for teenagers to feel displaced by the new stepmother. Because adolescents are striving for greater independence and freedom at this time in their lives anyway, it is likely that they will clash with a stepmother who attempts to take on a parental role and expects to play a part in disciplining the kids.

Although blended families are "instant" families, it can take considerable time for the stepchild to accept his/her stepmother and stepbrothers/sisters as family. Blended family members have had previous relationships and are likely to have different ideas in some areas about how things should be. It takes time to create a new, cohesive family unit. There will be many challenges among members in a new blended family, but by discussing issues related to kids, spouses will be better prepared to cope with the new family dynamics.

Parenting Ideas—
  1. Be realistic and patient in your effort to build a blended family.
  2. Be unified with your partner about rules, methods of discipline, and other important issues.
  3. Ease into the stepmother role by focusing on building a friendship with your stepchild before trying to parent him/her.
  4. Educate yourself about blended family life by reading books and articles about blended families.
  5. Get outside help when needed from a counselor or by attending an educational program for blended families.
  6. Have family meetings regularly to provide a time for people to communicate about relevant issues and concerns.
  7. Let kids choose what name to call the stepmother.
  8. Talk to other stepmothers who can be a valuable source of support and ideas.

Relationships—

Relationships with others can have a significant impact upon the quality of life in a new blended family. Some questions to consider are:
  • How do you presently communicate with your former partner?
  • How do your spouse's parents feel about their step-grandparent role?
  • How much contact do your kids have with their other parent?

If at all possible, it is important that kids maintain positive relationships with the biological mother who lives elsewhere. No matter how good the relationship is between a stepmother and stepchild, a stepmother can never replace a biological mother. Kids need to feel that both of their biological parents care about them. Efforts should also be made to maintain contact between kids and their grandparents and other extended family.

It is also essential that spouses strive to have courteous relationships with their former partners. This can be difficult, but good relationships between biological parents greatly benefit the blended family. Although feelings of hurt and anger may persist, former partners should strive to make their kid's welfare their top priority in their dealings with each other.

Tips for Success—

There are many things blended families can do that will help them develop positive relationships with each other. The following are a few suggestions.

1.    Give one another time to adjust to new roles. Becoming a member of a blended family can be challenging because people acquire new roles that are likely to be unfamiliar. For example, there are considerable differences between being a birth parent and a stepmother, and these differences may require a lot of adjustment. Forming a blended family brings a lot of changes into the lives of all parties involved, and being flexible is crucial for the family's success. Building a strong blended family involves more than love and good intentions. Being a member of a blended family requires a lot of hard work, creativity and endurance. In most cases, time is a critical factor in the development of healthy blended family relationships. This makes patience important, despite trials and challenges. Remembering that many blended families do achieve unity, happiness and fulfillment can help you survive the rough spots. Discussing important issues with your spouse will help you lay a solid foundation from which you can build a happy and successful blended family.

2.    Family traditions strengthen families because they create feelings of solidarity and oneness among members. They can also help a family create a sense of identity. These outcomes are especially important in blended families, where members must make an effort in order to feel as if they are actually a family. Creating new traditions that are unique to the blended family can help create a new family identity. Holidays are opportune times for families to create new traditions. However, it is important to leave some traditions in place from previous families for the sake of familiarity and stability (e.g., a family celebrating Christmas could try one or two new recipes, while cooking a favorite dish of each family member). If they are accustomed to sharing the holiday with extended family, they might continue to do so but incorporate new activities into the day's events. This would help them find a good balance between change and stability in their traditions.

3.    Participating in enjoyable family activities helps members get to know one another better and strengthens family bonds. Possible activities include working on a project around the house, taking walks in the evening, and playing games together. Taking day trips and going on vacations can also help unify people and create lasting memories. All members of the family need the opportunity to assist in planning activities. This will help them feel more involved and they will be more dedicated to helping the activity be a success. By making family time a priority, everyone will be able to see that you are committed to creating a strong blended family.

4.    One of the most important things spouses can do in a new marriage is to continue to build their relationship. Moms and dads often feel greater loyalties to their kids because they have had a relationship with them for a much longer time. However, it is vital that spouses present a united front to the kids in their home. Kids can sense when parents are not in agreement, and they can use the situation to work in their favor by playing one parent against the other. In order to build unity, spouses need to be honest and open with each other and practice good communication skills. It is also important that they spend time alone together and nurture their friendship. A strong couple bond is essential to the success of the blended family.

5.    While spending time together as a family is important and beneficial, it is also essential that everyone interact with each other on a one-on-one basis. Because kids often feel displaced by a new partner and/or stepsiblings, spending private time with their birth parent helps kids feel that they are still important despite the changes in their family. It is also helpful for stepmothers to spend one-on-one time with their stepkids. Activities such as going out for ice cream or spending time in a park on a nice day can help both the child and the parent build a relationship and overcome the awkwardness that is often present among everyone in the family who do not know each other well. Letting the stepson or stepdaughter choose an activity with which he/she is comfortable (when possible) will increase the likelihood of a positive experience.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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