Effective Discipline for Unruly Teens

Some disciplinary techniques are more effective than others. Fortunately, today there's a great deal of scientific evidence to back up behavior modification strategies. In order for a consequence to be effective, it must be:

• Unpleasant for your teenager
• Not too long (teens will give up if the consequence lasts too long)
• Not negotiable after the rule has been broken
• Immediate
• Age-appropriate
• A good match for the misbehavior

Disciplinary techniques that are effective can largely be grouped into two categories: 1) taking away something that is pleasurable (e.g., your attention, an exciting environment, a fun activity, etc.), and 2) imposing something that causes discomfort (e.g., paying a fine, doing extra chores, etc.). The consequence should always fit the misbehavior.

Draft a list of “Most Important House Rules” and put an appropriate consequence next to each one. Because these are the most important rules in your house, the disciplinary techniques should be fairly stiff. Next, clearly number and write the rules and their respective consequences on a large sheet of paper. For example:

1. Bedtime is 11:00 P.M. Go to bed on time every night. If you don’t, you will skip your extracurricular activities the next day (or the next time you have one).
2. Complete and turn in homework every day. If you don’t, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with your teacher.
3. Go to school every day. If you skip school or leave school, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with the principal.
4. No putting holes in walls or windows. If you do, you will spend the next weekend fixing the holes instead of going to any social activities.
5. Drugs are not allowed in the house. If I think you have any, I will call the police and we will search your bedroom.

In a moment of downtime when you don't anticipate an immediate power struggle, approach your teenager and say, “I love you too much to let things go on like they have been, and it is my job to keep you safe and help you prepare for adulthood, so we are going to have some important rules. These are the basic rules in our house, and the consequences for not obeying them.”

Next, show your teenager your list.  Ask if there are any questions, or if there is anything that isn't clear. Tell your teenager that the new rules are in effect immediately. Then tell her you love her, and end the conversation. Post the rules in a conspicuous place, and expect her to begin testing them right away.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Now let’s look at what doesn’t work…

Here is a list of disciplinary techniques that should be avoided, either because they are ineffective, or because they cause more harm than good:

1. Yelling: When you're yelling, you're certainly not talking with your teen, and too much yelling, or yelling that is too fierce, may cause your teen to feel angry, intimidated, resentful, or shamed. Expect yelling, tears, withdrawal, or a teen who learns to ignore you until you calm down.

2. Withholding affection: Withholding affection ties your love to your teen's behavior, and is completely opposite from the concept of unconditional love. A mother or father who withholds affection becomes cold and distant until the behavior improves, forcing the teen to (a) suffer the lack of support, and (b) become an amateur psychologist as he tries to figure out what is making you so upset. Moms and dads who withhold affection believe it will make their teenager shape up-quick. In reality, the teen will retreat, and in anger and hurt, rebel against you.

3. Traps: Laying traps for teens, to see if they'll lie, lose control, or misbehave in a seductive situation, is unfair and disrespectful. Support your teen. Plan for him to succeed – not fail.

4. Threats: Warnings are an effective disciplinary approach, but threats are not. Threats have an element of coercion, and they make a teen obey through fear or by threatening harm. The teen whose parents use threats will feel uneasy in the one place he should feel secure: his family. Teens who are threatened often get into lying or deceptive behavior. Since most threats are “empty,” they also learn not to trust what the parent says.

5. Shutting down: Shutting down and not talking to your teen about what is bothering you or him, or about his behavior, is not effective in addressing misbehavior or avoiding it in the future. Confrontation is hard. But if you talk about it, everyone feels better afterwards.

6. Shaming: These are verbal forms of humiliation, like mocking or making fun of a teen in public. Teens will live up to your expectation – good or bad – and they'll internalize your opinions of them. Keep your reinforcements positive.

7. Sarcasm: Sarcasm is a way of putting distance between you and your teen. It puts teens down, builds resentment, and it hurts. Consider what audience you are being sarcastic for. Often parents are at their most sarcastic when other parents are around—they're not really talking WITH their teenager, their talking ABOUT her. This isn't right.

8. Physical abuse: However you feel about physical discipline, there is no doubt that punching, shaking, slapping on the face or hands, beating, whipping, hair-pulling, burning, binding, or any other physical attacks on teenagers are never acceptable, no matter what the teen's misdeed or attitude, no matter how frustrated or angry you are. Teens who have suffered physical abuse spend years fighting against lowered self-respect, mental health issues, and behavioral problems. They often become part of a cycle of violence as they, too, begin to suffer from delinquency, crime, and violent patterns as both abusers and victims. If you or anybody else in your teen's life is resorting to physical abuse to handle your teen, you need to change these patterns, and to do this, you need help and support.

9. Nagging: Nagging is continuous harping about a task, a habit, or a personality trait. Nagging is a completely ineffective technique of getting a message to your teen and, while it's not particularly damaging, it does tend to damage the communication pathways between parents and teens. Say it once, then say it again strongly, and then be done with it and move on to action. 

10. Humiliation: Humiliation wears down a teen's self-image and self-respect. Humiliation teaches a teen that you don't value him. Respect your teen—his body, his mind, and his ego. Never underestimate the damage that can be done by humiliating a teen. One of the most common triggers of suicide in teens and adolescents is a humiliating experience.

11. Guilt trips: Guilt is especially destructive when imposed on teens, when they're already deeply self-conscious and self-disparaging.

12. Commanding and demanding: Commands and demands are sometimes necessary for safety reasons, but they should only be used in emergencies. Commands and demands are a power-play. Instead of, “Why? Because I say so!” …try using requests. They'll go a lot further in fostering mutual respect. For teens that tend to be willful and push buttons, commands and demands will often get you exactly what you don't want: resistance when you need something done immediately. Enlist the teen's help. In most cases, a gentle request will actually save you time.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With The Manipulative Child

Have you ever noticed the things your child says to get her way? It’s as if she has taken a course on “how to manipulate parents.” Below are seven statements you probably have heard your child say again and again in her steadfast effort to influence and control you. See if these sound familiar, and discover some effective ways to respond to them:

1.    YOU LOVE BRANDON MORE! This is one of those comments designed to prey on a parent’s guilt. This comment about how you love one of your other children more is often effective in getting moms and dads to launch into a lengthy discussion with the youngster—and that only encourages the youngster to debate the parent’s authority. The next time your youngster accuses you of loving her sibling more, say, “You know that’s not true. I love all my children equally, but I parent them differently.”

2.    GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM! Somehow, kids have the idea that their bedrooms are off-limits, and that any parent who enters is trespassing on sacred ground. Generally, it’s O.K. to respect your child’s desire for privacy. But when moms and dads suspect that the child has stolen something, for example, they have every right to check things out.  If your child accuses you of violating her rights, simply say, “Your bedroom is a privilege –not a right. When you get your own home and pay the bills, you can put a “keep out” sign on your front door. It the meantime, this bedroom is actually mine – but, I’m willing to let you stay in it.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3.    YOU DON’T TRUST ME! This is a favorite accusation of older children and adolescents. They’ll use this line to try to get you to relax an “established limit” (e.g., child has to be home from the Mall by 9:00 PM). How should you respond? Like this: “I trust you, but I don’t trust a bunch of strangers. That’s why I don’t think it’s safe for you to spend all evening wandering around the Mall with your friend after 9:00 on a Saturday night.”

4.    THAT’S NOT FAIR! Since moms and dads feel it’s important to be fair to their kids, this statement can really throw parents for a loop. For their part, children tend to say this when they’re trying to get their mother or father to change a “no” into a “yes.” By accusing moms and dads of being unfair, children try to make parents feel guilty so they’ll change a rule they have established.  How should you respond? How about:  “You’re right – it’s probably not fair in your mind. And I have a lot of unfair things that happen to me too. Some things in life aren’t fair. And my answer is still ‘no’.” As a parent, you have to postpone worrying about what’s fair and remain focused on what needs to be addressed (e.g., your youngster’s misbehavior).

5.    I HATE YOU! Your youngster may tell you that he hates you when he is forbidden from doing what he wants to do. A good way to respond to “I hate you” is to reframe what the youngster has said, eliminating the word “hate.”  For example: “I know you’re angry, but that’s the rule. You can’t ride your after dark.”  Kids often drop the “hate” bomb word when what they really mean is that they’re angry. It’s understandable, of course, that new or inexperienced parents would be hurt when their youngster yells “I hate you!” But try to remember that your youngster doesn’t really mean it. In a fit of rage, kids don’t always find the right words to express their feelings.

At some point in your parenting career, your kids will launch one or more of these comments your way. Like a broken record, your children may return to them again and again, hoping they’ll eventually wear you down and get their way. Use the responses above as a cheat sheet of sorts, relying on them when your children put you in a tough spot. But be sure to choose the language that makes you most comfortable. 

Just remember that your youngster is saying what he’s saying to get his way. Stay focused on the current issue rather than getting derailed by your child’s comments and complaints. Your authority is not a subject open for debate.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents