HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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Best Discipline for "Tweens"

The tween years are an exciting and challenging time for your youngster – and for you. This stage in your son or daughter's life occurs in that brief, eruptive time “between” (hence the name "tween") early childhood and adolescence. 

No longer is your little man playing cops and robbers in the confines of your backyard – rather he's now biking through the neighborhood with his buddies. And your darling baby girl may be thinking less about her Barbie doll and more about her appearance.

Tweenhood is a game-changer for the whole family. So, if your youngster is between the ages of 8 and 12, throw out all of your old childhood parenting books, because you'll need a new set of techniques for the years ahead.

In this post, you are going to get the top 25 strategies you'll need for nurturing and disciplining your tween:

1. Asking your tween to suggest a consequence. Your tween may have an easier time accepting a consequence if she played a role in deciding it.

2. Avoid punishing your tween when you're angry. Likewise, don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry out — and punish only the guilty party, not other family members.

3. Avoid ultimatums. Your tween may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.

4. Be careful when scolding. Make sure you reprimand your tween's behavior, not your tween. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or disrespectful tone. Also, avoid reprimanding your tween in front of his friends.

5. Be concise. Keep your rules short and to the point.

6. Be flexible. As your tween demonstrates more responsibility, grant her more freedom. If your tween shows poor judgment, impose more restrictions.

7. Be prepared to explain your decisions. Your tween may be more likely to comply with a rule when he understands its purpose.

8. Be reasonable. Avoid setting rules your tween can't possibly follow. A chronically messy tween may not be able to maintain a spotless bedroom overnight.

9. Be specific. Rather than telling your tween not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.

10. Consistent rules are still needed, but keep reviewing rules and changing them as your tween grows.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Don’t give too many orders – these can overwhelm tweens. Explain why some things have to be, but listen to their views. If you have to overrule, explain that until they are more mature, there are some decisions you must make for them.

12. Enforce consequences. Enforcing consequences can be tough — but your tween needs you to be her parent, not a buddy. Being too lenient may send the message that you don't take your tween's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can cause resentment. Be consistent when you enforce limits. Whatever disciplinary tactic you choose, relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them immediately. Limit punishments to a few hours or days to make them most effective.

13. Impose additional responsibilities. Assign your tween additional household tasks for misbehavior.

14. Impose additional restrictions. Take away a privilege or possession that's meaningful to your tween (e.g., computer time or a cell phone) when he is disrespectful.

15. Minimize pressure. Don't pressure your tween to be like you were (or wish you had been) at her age. Give your tween some leeway when it comes to clothing and hairstyles. It's natural for tweens to rebel and express themselves in ways that differ from their moms and dads. If your tween shows an interest in body art (i.e., tattoos and piercings), make sure she understands the health risks (e.g., skin infections, allergic reactions, hepatitis B and C). 

Also, talk about potential permanence or scarring. As you allow your tween some degree of self-expression, remember that you can still maintain high expectations for your tween and the kind of person she will become.

16. Prioritize rules. While it's important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your tween a chance to practice negotiating and compromising. Before negotiating with your tween, however, consider how far you're willing to bend. 

Don't negotiate when it comes to restrictions imposed for your tween's safety (e.g., substance abuse, sexual activity, reckless driving). Make sure your tween knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other drug use.

17. Put rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.

18. Set a positive example. Remember, tweens learn how to behave by watching their mother and father. Your actions generally speak louder than your words. Set a positive example and your tween will likely follow your lead.

19. Clearly state your expectations. To encourage your tween to behave well, identify what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere. As you establish appropriate rules, explain to your tween the behavior you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying.

20. Stay calm and avoid arguments as much as possible.

21. Understand your tween will want to test out her independence. Answering back or disobeying can often be a way of demonstrating this, and showing she has a mind of her own. Encourage as much independence as possible, even if it involves some risks – tweens need to learn by their own mistakes.

22. Use active ignoring. Tell your tween that you'll talk to him when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore your tween in the meantime.

23. Use specific praise, describing exactly what it is being given for.

24. Use “reflective listening” (i.e., feeding back what you’ve been told and not leaping in with your own judgments).

25. Encourage cyber safety. Get to know the technology your tween is using and the websites he visits. If possible, keep the computer in a common area in your home. Remind your tween to practice these basic safety rules:
  • Don't get together with someone you meet online.
  • Don't send anything in a message you wouldn't say face to face.
  • Don't share passwords.
  • Don't share personal information online.
  • Don't text or chat on the phone while driving.
  • Talk to a parent or trusted adult if an interaction or message makes you uncomfortable.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens with Attention Deficit Disorder: Tips for Parents

Adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), also known as Inattentive-type ADHD, can be difficult to detect. It is a disorder that causes inattention behavior in adolescents inappropriate to their age. Unlike other forms of ADHD, Attention Deficit Disorder often does not cause disorderly behavior, so adolescents who suffer from this disorder may go unnoticed by parents and teachers.

Struggling at school alone does not indicate that an adolescent has Attention Deficit Disorder. For a therapist to consider a diagnosis of adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder, symptoms must have been present from childhood, must manifest themselves in more than one setting (e.g., school, home, or work), and must interfere with successful functioning in two or more of those settings for at least six months. For example, an adolescent who is having problems at school but is fine at home, at work, and in social situations would not be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but might have another problem (e.g., a learning disability).

If your adolescent was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder as a youngster, the beginning of adolescence is a good time to have him reevaluated, because symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder can change during this time. The normal struggles of adolescence can be especially difficult for individuals with Attention Deficit Disorder. Though living with Attention Deficit Disorder can be challenging for adolescents and their moms and dads, adolescents with Attention Deficit Disorder can learn to deal with their challenges.

Attention Deficit Disorder sometimes gets better with age, but in some cases, the associated learning disorders do not improve, and the adolescent may develop problems with disorderly behavior or insubordination. Many adolescents with Attention Deficit Disorder, however, are able to learn to function well as young adults.

The cause of adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder is unknown. It is not caused by problems at home or school or poor parenting, though these factors may cause additional difficulties for these adolescents. Researchers currently believe the main causes for adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder are neurological imbalances and genetics. Exposure to alcohol or cigarette smoke in the womb, premature birth, or exposure to lead may increase the risk of this disorder.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Some conditions that may accompany Attention Deficit Disorder include:
  • Anxiety
  • Bipolar disorder
  • Conduct Disorder
  • Depression
  • Learning Disabilities
  • Oppositional Defiant Disorder
  • Tourette's Syndrome

Some problems can look like Attention Deficit Disorder, which is why only a medical professional can diagnose the condition. Some things that can cause symptoms that may look like Attention Deficit Disorder include:
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Middle ear infections that affect hearing 
  • Recent changes or losses (e.g., a move, divorce, death, etc.)
  • Sleep deprivation 
  • Undetected seizures
  • Gifted children may also display some of the same symptoms as Attention Deficit Disorder children (e.g., inattentiveness in class)
  • Other mental disorders

The professional who evaluates an adolescent for Attention Deficit Disorder can be his or her psychiatrist, a neurologist, a psychologist, or a clinical social worker. A doctor, neurologist, or psychologist can also prescribe medication, if needed. A psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker can provide counseling.

The doctor should diagnose the client by checking his or her medical records, talking to parents, teachers, and others (e.g., coaches), and if possible, by observing the child in a variety of setting and activities.

Some questions a doctor will consider are:
  • Are the behaviors periodic or more continuous?
  • How do the behaviors affect the adolescent's life at school, at home, with friends, and in extracurricular activities?  
  • How long have they been going on? 
  • How many symptoms are apparent? 
  • What related problems does the adolescent have?

Researchers do not agree on the best treatment for Attention Deficit Disorder. This is because the disorder can range from being hardly noticeable to being extremely noticeable almost to the point of disruption in the classroom.

Many child and adolescent psychiatrists are quick to prescribe drugs for treatment, but many times very effective treatment can be achieved by changing the adolescent’s diet. Removing things such as sugary breakfast cereals, soft drinks, cookies, and chocolate from an adolescent’s diet can many times be as effective as prescription drugs, depending on the severity of the disorder and the willingness of the mother or father to take what many may consider “drastic measures” to remove such “staples” from their teenager’s diet.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Comments:


•    Anonymous said... My 8 yo Aspergers son has severe meltdowns. He is inappropriate in social settings. He has no "stranger danger" even when we talk to him. Reads like a pro in 3rd grade class but has been tested and came in as a 4 year old. Therefore the behaviors and meltdowns. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, EDD, IDD and Bipolar. We are seeing also that he is OCD when it comes to food on his plate where the different foods cannot touch. This is a hard road and hope high school will be on his horizon because of all his early intervention and his present intervention.
•    Anonymous said... I need help with the following issue: My 14 year old daughter flees the house every time there is a minor problem. She punches doors and is destructive at times. She leaves even when punished. If you try to restrain her it gets very physical and she loses it.
•    Anonymous said... Hi Mark, This article came so timely for me, it is like heaven sent, thank you. My son was recently diagnosed with ADD inattentive type by our neuro specialist. I never heard of this type of ADD & was very sceptical but after reading your article, I agree that my 16yo son may very likely has the disorder. He was in gifted classes till 3 yrs ago when his dad passed away.

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