My Son Starts Fires

Mark,

My son starts fires. He recently decided to catch playing cards on fire and throw them under his bed. We could have had our house burnt to the ground. My husband wants to take him to a burn unit to show him what kind of damage can happen to the skin when burned. Does this sound like a good idea or not?

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Not! Remember that defiant kids enjoy intensity. So a trip to the burn unit will not intimidate him, rather it will intrigue him.

Often times parents will attempt to "scare" their children into behaving properly. For example, parents may want their child to:

-- take a tour of juvenile detention
-- take a tour of adult jail or prison
-- go through the "scared straight" program (where kids go to an adult prison and get yelled at by a bunch of incarcerated convicts)
-- go to the local morgue to view the deceased, mangled body of someone who was not wearing his seat belt or who drove drunk

These are examples of "traditional" parenting strategies that make a bad problem worse.

Why? Because it provides a high level of intensity (i.e., interest, fascination) -- and defiant children love intensity.

Worse yet, exposure to such things de-sensitizes them, thus yielding the opposite effect from what the parent wanted to accomplish (i.e., rather than scaring the child, they have now raised the curiosity level in the child). Fear-based motivation has the opposite effect with defiant children.

So what should you do instead? In my Ebook, there is a chapter entitled “Anger Management” – and in that chapter there is a section entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.” You’ll find a better parenting strategy there.


Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Son's Father Works Against Me

One of the members of Online Parent Support recently told me that her ex-husband is not on the same page with her regarding discipline. Sometimes he cooperates with her, other times he does his own thing -- which undermines her.

Her oldest son lives with his father, but visits her a couple times a week. The son does not like visiting mom, because mom has rules and dad does not (not many anyway). So here was my response:

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Good to hear from you A.,

I think I detect a bit of cooperation from your ex, although he does not like to be the "bad guy" and does not like to be put in the middle (i.e., between you and your son).

If you haven't already done so, please give you ex a copy of the ebook. Is he open to trying a few new things? If he will get on the same page with you, the two of you will have tremendous success with your eldest son.

However, if your husband "does his own thing" as far as discipline (or lack thereof), then we must revert back to the strategy I talked about in the last email (i.e., 'strategy' is about what you CAN control).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

If your ex seems to always work against you (e.g., withdraw a discipline you have already imposed, blame you for the families problems, etc.), then I encourage you to cultivate the "art of letting go."

"Letting go" would look something like this:

-- Your ex has his rules; you have your rules

-- When your son is with dad, he can operate under dad's rules

-- When your son is at your residence, he must operate under your rules

-- If he does not like your rules, he can choose to (a) follow your rules anyway, or (b) leave your residence and go back to dad's

-- If your ex is working against you rather than with you, take no complaints from him regarding your son's behavior (e.g., You might say to your ex, "If you are having problems with our son while he is at your house, I cannot help you as long as you operate under a different set of rules than what I have.")

I think your ex needs to experience some painful emotions associated with his poor parenting choices. Use the strategies I discuss in the eBook on both your son and your ex.

Stay in touch,

Mark 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents