Things were going well for awhile.

Mark,

Thank you for your newsletter reminding me that there is help out there. I have neglected to give you our story because I know you are busy.

Our grandson has come to live with us here in Indiana one year ago from Hawaii . He has always been close to us since birth because his father was murdered when he was three months old and we cared for my daughter and him after that, until she remarried a military guy and moved to HI. D____ is 13 years old now …his mother has also joined the military and he is on the verge of being out of control.

D____ has been diagnosed ADHD and ODD and was on meds while in HI. However since he has been here, we have not kept up with these meds and it is my desire not to have too.

He was in therapy October and November, but the therapist only would show for the sessions less than half of the time and I did not know where to turn.

November was horrible, and then I began using your techniques. D____ responded very well to the poker face and the three-day groundings of his games and computer. He went from an average four detentions a month to none in Dec. and January. Now, February, he has six!

I don’t know of any changes at home or school that would have caused such a drastic change. He has begun to be disrespectful again and has had all of his fun items taken away. If he continues, I don’t know what to take away next. Starting over with the three days has me completely confused at this point since he is getting in trouble over and over again in the same day.

Any suggestions or questions?

Thanks,

B.

___________________________________________________


A kid’s emotional and behavioral problems happen for a reason. The current problems could be due to something at home or school, something that happened in the past, bio-chemical changes that occur as the child develops, etc. (You did mention that he is 13-years-old now. Kids usually fire their caretakers as managers around this age and say, ”I take it from here.”) In any event, it wouldn’t be a good use of time and energy to speculate about the cause. All we can do is address issues today.

I find that when parents were experiencing an improvement in their child’s behavior, and then things got worse again, it is nearly always the case that the parent has neglected some of her strategies. The method discussed in my ebook consists of a ‘set of strategies’ that must be used ‘in combination’ with one another. If any part of the method is overlooked, the entire system fails.

Consider all the individual components in the transmission of your car. If just one tiny part (e.g., a check ball or a little spring) is lose or broken, the entire transmission stops working. The same is true with these parenting strategies.

Let me provide you with a check-list. If you answer “no” to any of these statements, you may have discovered a potential problem in your parenting transmission:


1. After issuing a consequence, I never retract it.

2. I allow my out-of-control kid to make wrong choices, which gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

3. I am able to differentiate between my kid’s wants and her/his needs.

4. I don’t nag – I simply follow through with the consequence.

5. I don’t try to save my kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

6. I expect my out-of-control kid to resist my new parenting strategies.

7. I give equal love to all my kids, but parent them differently.

8. I give only one warning -- then I follow through with the consequence.

9. I give my kid at least five chores to do each week.

10. When I slip into a rage against my kid, I apologize, but I don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him/her.

11. I keep an eye out for my kid’s guilt-trips.

12. I know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one, and I adjust accordingly.

13. I have learned to say “no”-- and to stick with “no” when it is my answer.

14. I only give my kid gifts on birthdays, Christmas and graduation.

15. I understand that over-indulged kids are too comfortable and that they need some discomfort before they will change.

16. I understand that parenting is not a popularity contest – I am not a "buddy"!

17. I respond to my kid’s anger with a poker face.

18. When taking away privileges, I take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best; if it lasts too long, resentment builds, my kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost).

19. When I catch myself feeling sorry for my kid, I know it is a sign that I am – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

20. When my kid needs to be cheered-up, I do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving her/him stuff or freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

21. I do not dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – I am consistent!

22. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying Yes” when my answer is yes (covered in the ebook).

23. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying No” when my answer is no (covered in the ebook).

24. I regularly use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” whenever I want my kid to do as requested (covered in the ebook).

25. I avoid power struggles at all cost.

26. I have the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and I have the wisdom to know the difference.


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Are you for real?

Hi Mark,

Are you for real? Do you really have the answers to help with teenage behavior? I read through your material on the website and think my daughter doesn't steal, do drugs, lie, so skip school is this the program I need for her? She is 16 years old, 17 this April, and the problem we are experiencing with her is the "attitude". She has been a troubled girl from little on. She is deaf in one ear, and just seemed to pull away from everyone (including any friends she may have had). She was bullied terrible from Kindergarten to Grade 6-7.

She started washing her hands so much that her hands were red and sore. She finally quit that business, but then turned to other things, like specific routines when going to bed, or not wanting to go on road trips (especially school field trips, but even family ones) because she was worried about bathroom breaks and what if there was no place to wash your hands afterwards, and things of that nature.

We've seen counselors, psychiatrists and doctors but no one has been able to understand what her problem is. She does not go out with friends (she only has the one 14 year old girl she calls a friend) always they hang out at our house. I think she feels safer for some reason. She hates to shop (even for clothes or anything fun for herself). When I do take her along its frustrating for me and anyone else that is with us as she gets antsy and impatient like its time to go already...

She has always been a very unhappy child and now an unhappy teenager. I always said that she would be one of these teens that either get a gun and shoot all of her classmates in the school; or go the other way and kill herself. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but she is in grade 11 and I worry about where she will end up when she graduates. She does well in school, but if she won't leave home, how can she further her education or even get a half decent job. We live in a small town (1800) and believe me there is nothing for her here.

My problem at this stage is I've created a very selfish teenager. She thinks only of herself and unless nagged, won't help out with anything. She comes home from school and lies around on the couch, or down stairs on the computer. She won't sweep the floor, do the dishes or pick up after herself. I've tried to talk with her, and let her know that I need help. I can't do it all by myself. But still she does nothing to help.

Please understand too that I'm the type of mom who wants everyone happy, so I make excuses for her and when she asks something of me, I'm there in a minute. Then two days later I get so angry at her because she hasn't done something I've asked of her and threaten to say no to her the next time she asks, but it never happens. Always the "pleasing mom" I can't say no to my kids. They walk all over me and everyone knows it.

Please Mark, do you have any advice for a very tired, frustrated mom. I feel I need advice as to what discipline do you use on a 16 year old. She is driving and relies on our car to go and pick up her friend and take her home again. She loves her music, and family computer. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you for your time and assistance on this family problem.

Best Regards,

J.H.

-----------------------


Hi J.,

Yes ...I'm real. My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. I work with both the parent and the defiant child over a period of about 4 to 6 weeks. During our time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.

These parents have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.

Here’s the good news. These “out-of-control” kids I see on a daily basis are the most enjoyable bunch I could ever work with. I get nothing but respect and cooperation from all of them. Why? Because, I’ve learned how to approach them. And believe me, it’s taken many years to get it right.

Now I want to show YOU how to be the “therapist” and how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems. There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – we WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith here, you will experience the same success that hundreds of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!

If you’re tired of the disrespect, dishonesty and arguments …if you’re tired of trying to deal with the problems “on your own,” then let’s get started with these parenting strategies.

I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of “unconventional” parenting strategies.

I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to Join Online Parent Support: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl


Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com