HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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I am sleeping on a couch...

Mark,

Where do I begin?? Family makeup first:

There is myself and my husband (married now three years). I have three daughters by a previous marriage. My oldest B is 22yrs, M who is 17 and the youngest S who is 16. My 16 and 17 year old live with my husband and me. My husband has one daughter who is 16 (does not live with him).

OK!!! I am currently separated from my husband for the second time in 3 years. I left because I could not take anymore of his screaming, yelling, slamming doors and blaming. He blames myself and my youngest daughter S for his daughter R not coming around anymore.

My daughter S is at times disrespectful, unruly, argumentative, physical sometimes, out of control.

When my husband and I met my daughter was excited. She loved and respected him. When she would behave unruly she would go apologize to him (not me). She has never had a father figure in her life and my husband treated her with great respect. He would say yes maam to her and show interest in her. His daughter was jealous of my daughter S and her dad together. My daughter S would talk about things my husband and her did together (speaking to his daughter); and his daughter would come up with a better story to tell my daughter and the games would begin. One child uping the other child’s story. They both were jealous of each other.

WELL, about a month after we were married my daughter shoved his daughter at school. My husband’s ex-wife turned it into a huge ordeal, filing a complaint with the principle, yelling at my husband for the ABUSE that was given to their daughter ect.

Let me tell you how I handled it. I told his ex-wife on the phone that I was sorry and that I would definitely take care of the situation. I asked my daughter S to come out into the living room (my husband was not at home yet). I asked my daughter what happened at school. She told me school was fine. I asked her if she shoved R at school and she said yes. I asked why and she said it was something R said to her. I let my daughter know that that was not the right thing to do and no matter what someone says to you - you DO NOT SHOVE THEM. Then I spanked her. My husband came home and I told her she needed to tell him. She did and he proceeded to scream yell and call her horrible names. I did not eat for three days after. Our marriage has been on the rocks ever since and he has proceeded to scream, yell, call names and blame throughout time to time. My daughter has behaved horrible at times and unruly out of control etc. It has put some pressure on our marriage.

NOW, that I am separated from him she is doing much better. I had one episode with her the other night concerning my daughter M of putting up and touching her things. It was wrong of S to get mad over such a small thing. I am not blind to her behavior, but she does not want to come back here to live. She does not trust my husband’s newfound realization of his wrongful and destructive actions. He has been reading your site and others on marriage BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S ATTITUDE WITH MY HUSBAND (IF) I WERE TO CONSIDER COMING BACK??

I have asked her to (Honestly) write out a list of reasons why she would not mind coming back and reasons why she would not.

PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM SLEEPING ON A COUCH AND NEED TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION HERE.

Please answer back.

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It sounds like your husband has realized he made a mistake in the way he handled the “shoving incident” and is seeking other, more constructive parenting strategies.

The marriage is the foundation of the family. Thus, it should come first. The children’s wants and needs come second. Diligently work on your marriage, and the other family problems will take care of themselves eventually.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He has run away from home...

Hello Mark,

I emailed you several weeks ago regarding my 15 year old son, C___, who has run away from home. As I said in my last email, the police returned him, but due to his age told him they could not make him stay.

As you can imagine, that sort of information to a 15 yr old with ODD/CD is gold and I haven’t seen him since. He is staying at his girlfriend's house with her family. She also is 15. This is unbelievable to me as I know they are involved in a sexual relationship.

I believe the parents are now "encouraging" him to return home, persuading him to call home and "discuss" it with us. How lovely of them! (As yet, no phone call from him). I have learned from his school (specific purposes school for behaviour) that he has attended 3 days in the last 3 weeks, although the family where he is staying believe he is attending far more frequently, as the mother drives him there!

The parents are a separate issue. I can’t deal with both and keep my sanity! What I need to ask you is, what do I do if he does ask to come home? Before he left, the "Rules" were extremely lenient. He was out after school every day, and out all weekend (away from the home) from Fri night to Sun evening. This is not acceptable to me, but I didn't know how to stop it. If I told him ‘no’ he just went anyway, with a mouth full of filth. Same with the total disrespect and foul language directed at his step father and myself, and the name calling and bullying of his younger brother (9). We also have a 7 month old son who, along with my 9 yr old, I am desperate to protect from C___'s behaviour.

I have been advised, by school and police, to tell him he is welcome back, but if he does not wish to follow the rules to ask him to leave again. (At 15!)

I don’t believe I am asking too much for civil behaviour, regular attendance at school, sessions with his counsellor, 3 afternoons at home for study and 2 with mates, and one weekend night out. The problem is that after all the freedom he has bullied us into giving him, and that he has acquired since being away from home, it is unlikely he will agree.

I am second guessing myself, I have anxiety about him returning to our now peaceful home, and I feel that I have no confidence in my own decision making.

Please advise....

B.

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Hi B.,

I agree with the police and school officials. If the Juvenile Laws in your area are such that you cannot file what we call in the U.S. "run away charges," then do as they say: If he returns home and violates house rules, he needs to find another place to live again.

In the meantime, enjoy some peace and quiet. And thank God he has somewhere else to live.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

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