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What is the recommended reward/consequence for academic grades?

Dear Mark.......your Out-of-Control guidelines have been invaluable to me and my wife. We have developed a home rules contract and we are trying to put your guidelines into action.

Question: What is the recommended reward / consequence for academic grades? Our son is underachieving in the 8th grade. He is capable of doing better.

Many thanks in advance, JL

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Hi J.,

The recommendations depend greatly on (a) whether or not poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict and (b) whether or not the child has a history of poor academic performance.

If poor academic performance is NOT an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son does NOT have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to YOUR CHILD'S ACADEMIC SUCCESS <== click…

If poor academic performance IS an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son DOES have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to the section of the eBook that addresses this subject ==> EMAILS FROM WORRIED & EXASPERATED PARENTS

Mark

Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks...

Hi J.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: ==>

Hi Mark,

Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks.

==> Good – you are on track! As you hopefully learned from Session #1, things do get worse before they get better (unless the parent employs half measures). This is expected because kids, by nature, resist change and try very hard to convince the parent that she/he will never “win.”

First my son is excluded from school, he is not supposed to go out of the house in school hours, but wont listen and goes out of the house when he feels like it and comes home when he is ready, he wont answer his cell phone when he is out.

==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

It sounds like you really need to kick up the “tough love” a few notches. Are you ready? Here goes!

If he leaves without permission, this is the perfect time to remove everything from his room – including the bedroom door. Leave the heavy furniture. Also, he should not have his cell phone either since he is abusing the privilege. When he successfully completes a 3-day-discipline as outlined in the chapter listed above, he gets all his stuff back. I know this sounds drastic – and it does take some physical effort on your part, but this is serious – no half measures!

He hangs around with a gang of boys and they ride mopeds up and down the street.

==> This one falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. I don’t think you’ll be able to control who he “hangs around.”

Last weekend he spent £200 and I dont know where he got it from and he wont say.

==> Unfortunately, you don’t have any evidence that he is stealing – and you can’t force him to tell you anything. When you get some evidence, then you can call police and file a complaint.

He is constantly rude and disrespectful when he comes in and tells me dont talk to him or to shut up.

He grabs things away from me, like my car keys or phone if I dont let him have what he wants.

==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I have to lock everything of mine up so he doesnt take it.

I have tried to ground him, but he wont stay in.

I have taken away the computer and his xbox but he doesnt care because he is not in to use them.

==> He values his freedom. So this is the area you need to focus on. How can you withhold his freedom to run? Be creative. Involve authorities if need be.

I am tired and not sleeping properly constantly trying to think what to do and when it will end.

I am sticking to the programme but to no avail as he wont earn any money for chores, because he is getting money from elsewhere and my money isnt enough for him. He says he can get more from other places.

==> To no avail YET. I noticed from your invoice that you are only into week #2 of the program. You’re only halfway through.

You didn’t say how old your son is. For the sake of discussion, let’s say he’s 16-years-old. It has taken 16 years for the problems to get to this point. Therefore, it is going to take more than 2 weeks to get the problems resolved.

But he constantly asks me to tell social services I dont want him so he can live somewhere else.

==> More manipulation on his part.

He throws things at me when I dont argue with him to try and get a response, and he still doesnt get one, more than the ones in the programme.

==> This is battery. Why are you not calling authorities and filing complaints? Are you trying to save him from legal consequences? If so, then you’re not working the program. I can see now that you will have to take a more proactive stance with this son.

I give him the consequences and he wont accept them.

==> Then he may need to consider living elsewhere.

He also says he is not going back to school next week when he is due there.

==> That’s his choice – which will have (or certainly should have) serious consequences.

I am struggling here, what do I do??????????????

==> Get tough as outlined above. You’re in a tough spot right now. You will have to decide whether or not you will take the easy route (in which case, the tail will continue to wag the dog) or take a more proactive route (in which case, your assertive approach will eventually effect positive change).

There are no simple solutions, but when the parent hunkers down and really gets serious with this program – amazing things begin to happen.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Many more positives here than negatives...

Mark,

Thanks so much for getting back in touch.

It was very tough to arrest him BUT we did what we had to do with the information on hand. The lesson here is that he does not remember how he got there. He woke up in jail and all he remembered was that he had been with his friends the night before.. We left him in jail as long as we could so he had all of that time to think about how he got there. It scared him really bad. He got a misdemeanor charge of being under the influence as a minor and has a court date in April. He will be on Probation for 6 months-have to take drug tests , etc. He has already been through this when he was 17.

==> This is good. Now he's got a lot of accountability again.

He just turned 18 in February.


We are divorced . He had been living with me for over a year and just at his Dad's for about a month. After this, he asked if he could come back to my house. And...here were my circumstances:

No friends over-I'm trying to sell my house.
Respect me and my house
He would have to get evaluated.
No drugs, etc. over here.

==> Good!!

We went for an evaluation on Wednesday and he was honest and cooperative. They just said he needed some Outpatient Therapy-like a counselor-which we have already done in the past 3 times.

So far, 3 days later...I smelled pot this morning at 3AM.

==> I think he needs IOP. You described a black-out earlier.

He dropped out of high school his Sr year and just got his GED in December.

==> That's fine. A GED is a very respectable degree.

He got this the same day his best and oldest friend died in his sleep at the age of 18. They do not know why yet. This has devastated him.

He has been accepted to two Jr Colleges and really wants to go. He just started a job yesterday but needs more hours.

==> GREAT!

He has not been driving for 6 months as he had too many points. He is now eligible to get his license this month. His car needed repairs so it is in the shop.

In the past 6 months, we have given him no money. We will not send him to college until he shows us he can work consistently and show responsibility. For his 18th birthday, we are repairing the car. He has to take a Defensive Class before he can get his car and he must pay for that.

==> ALL GOOD! Many more positives here than negatives. I'm encouraged. I hope you are.

==> He'll do just fine eventually. He's a late bloomer - for sure.

Mark

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