HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable?

 Hi Mark, Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. They all sound very reasonable and sound. We have been very happy about J___'s attitude and although still skeptical, as he can sweet talk us at time, it is looking good. Our initial 1st assignment talk went well with both our Sons. We did it seperately due to a surprising incident with our 21 year old son. We planned to sit down with both of them on Sunday where schedules permit a time when we can all gather.

Friday night, P___ announced his plan to get a tatoo at the same time his girlfriend is getting one (on her 18th birthday, her parents don't like it but did not forbid it) Our ban on tatoos and piercings while they live under our roof, has always been all very open and steadfast. So we were confronted with this situation. When I stood my ground, our calm ever respectful son erupted! His reaction was just like we would expect from J___. He was shocked and we were as well. We kept our poker faces on. He managed to end the conversation with a very respectful " I understand where you are coming from and I will take it into consideration" Then he walked away and barely spoke to us until we had our talk with him today. Saturday he did tell his Dad that he was not getting the tatoo but did not know if he could live here any longer. Today he said, when we started with the apology.. that he had no complaints about our parenting VS J___ who thanked us for our apolgy. He said he liked living with us, so guess My husband does not get his office right away :)

P___ is had been making plans to move out this Summer. Our next step with him in our new parenting program... Rent and Home duties. For J___, we are taking issues as they come. He has been grounded for a while for his grades, tardies, lying et (old rules). He now has a home project (painting our well house) and when completed his grounding will be done. We have not mentioned or nagged about when he is going to do it... it's all in his control and although not finished yet.....it will be when he decides. His time on the computer has been limited and we bought software to monitor his use. He will gain more time as he proves he can stay within the current rules of the Computer.

I know this is getting long but wanted to share with you our experience thus far. I do have one more question at this time. We had set for P___ and now for J___ that they had to attain & maintain a B average to drive. P___ no problem... J___ another story. J___ just turned 16 on March 17th and currently does not have the grades to qualify. He has his permit and gets some driving each week. Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable? Again, Thank You Thank You... We feel we are moving at a better pace than hoped for. At the moment... J___ is sweet and P___ is talking to us again. .... Happy Days.. I'll take'm! A.


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Hi A.,

Two points:

1) Your 21-year-old really should be out on his own by now.

2) Re: driving. Self-reliance is key. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, always ask yourself the following question:

“Will this action that I'm about to take promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit such development?”

If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!

Having the ability to drive oneself to and from school, work, etc, is a form of self-reliance, and withholding such ability promotes dependency (you have to take him places). 
 
Therefore, he should be able to drive until he abuses the privilege, in which case he loses the privilege for 1 – 3 days depending on the seriousness of the violation.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Hi Mark,

First let me say that my husband and I feel that finding your website and ordering your ebook have been heaven sent. We will have our sit down discussion with our two boys, P___ 21 and J___ 16. We have already started the poker face and requesting a task or chore when they request a privilege. It has shown great results already and I hope paved the way a bit into our family talk.

J (16) was the one we were having anger issues with, P has always been very sweet...we realize now.... both were used to manipulate us. I would have never considered myself indulgent until I read your definition… oh boy am I!

I know I will have more questions for you as we go along but I have one now that I could really use some suggestions on.

J has a friend who has dropped out of school, no job and we feel not a good influence at all. He is from a broken family and just went to live with Dad, but that fell apart very quickly and he is back.... We thought our prayers were answered with him leaving the state. How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply and thank you so much for the wonderful counseling you are offering to help us Desperate Parents,

A. and M.

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Hi A.,

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friend. This may be because of his image, negative attitude, or serious behavior (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).

Here are some suggestions:
  • Check whether your concern about his friend is real and important.
  •  Do not attack your son's friend. Remember that criticizing his choice of friends is like a personal attack.
  • Encourage reflective thinking by helping him think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
  • Encourage his independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
  • Get to know this friend if possible. Invite him into your home so you can talk and listen to him, and introduce yourself to his parents.
  • Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he really is).
  • If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your son about his behavior and choices -- not the friend.
  • Keep the lines of communication open and find out why this friend is so important to your son.
  • Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
  • Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark


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What To Do When Your Teenager Comes Home Drunk

"Hello, we have just started to work through your book and it seems to be going well so far. However we need help about what to do if an incident happens again like last week - this has happened once before. Our 13 year old daughter went out got drunk - possibly smoked weed, was hit by another girl, then refused attempts to get her home - she was crying and was hysterical eventually a friend calmed her down - she would not respond to us at all. She has just gone through a 3 day grounding and has signed a contract with us (she also self harmed when she was alone in her room). We will deal with things as they happen, but what if that happens again? We felt so helpless. Many thanks."


Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding your daughter’s drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though she may not always show it.

If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your daughter may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. She needs to know that for her, drinking may carry special risks.

Should your daughter come home under the influence, make sure she is in no immediate danger due to her alcohol use, but wait until she is sober to address the problem. When she sobers up, say/do the following:

1. Say (with your best poker face), "I noticed you came in intoxicated last night. I felt shocked and worried."
 

2. Next, Listen. Give your daughter a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; she will be angry with you for confronting her and will want you to get off her back; she will probably deny that she drank any alcohol; even if she admits to drinking, she will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).

3. Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."
 

4. End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"
 

If your daughter has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated in step 3.

So here's the formula: 


I noticed... 

I felt... 

--Listen-- 

The house rule is... 

If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence, which is... 

End on a positive note

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