HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks...

Mark, I started using your program about 6 weeks ago. I'm finally seeing some positive changes. However, My 9yo who is ODD has a developed a friendship with the 11yo across the street who is ODD, ADD & PTSD. We had her over for a sleepover. I found out from my older daughter in the morning that the neighbor broke most of our house rules. (She was reasonably well behaved when I was in sight.) Being that she is a neighborhood kid I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks. Keeping them apart is unlikely as they live right across the street. I have already told my girls that I won't agree to another sleepover based on her behavior last time. Any ideas of how to handle her when she is with my kids?

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Hi S.,

If keeping them apart is unlikely, I don’t know how you will keep this girl from influencing your 9-year-old. What you can do is teach your child right from wrong (as simple as this sounds, it is easier said than done).

Research shows that the pressure to behave like someone else comes most often from wanting to be accepted, wanting to belong, and wanting to be noticed. Help your child learn what qualities to look for in a friend, and advise him/her about what to say if the negative peer is trying to get your child to misbehave in some way. Children who have difficulty making friends need your support to avoid being isolated or bullied.

Your child may not always know which situations could have harmful consequences. Start talking with your child about these dangers early, and prepare him/her for the moment when you’re not there and he has to make a choice about behavior or misbehavior. 

You also need to discuss the dangers of being around others who make risky choices. You can help your child learn how to recognize and back away from situations that could have harmful consequences. For example, discuss with her how to say no if someone offers her alcohol, tobacco, or drugs at a party. (Yes…even 9-year-olds experiment with drugs/alcohol.)

Role play with your child so that he/she can practice saying “no” to things that are harmful or against the rules. For example, pretend to offer your child a drink or a cigarette. Let your child take a turn being the person who suggests something that isn't safe. Then, have fun thinking of different ways to say no.

Repeat role-playing at different ages and stages of your child’s development. A 9-year-old may find it easy to turn down alcohol; a 15-year-old may be more curious—or more reluctant to act differently if others are drinking.

Make sure your child is comfortable with what he/she wants to say. Coach him/her to use his/her own words and expressions. For instance, a shy child might simply say, “I gotta go” and then quickly walk away. A more confident child might say, “What? Are you talking to me? Forget it!” Children who have trouble refusing offers from other kids may need extra practice in giving a strong, believable reason for backing away from a situation that they think could be dangerous.

Here are a few examples of “conversation starters” to use with your child:
  • Do you find it easy to speak up about what you like and don’t like? Among friends? With strangers?
  • If you had a friend who was stuck at a party with people drinking or using drugs, what advice would you give him?
  • What do you look for in a friend?
  • When is taking a risk a good thing? When is it bad?

I trust this will help,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My son refuses to go to school...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your good advise. It’s really helping. We have hit a stumbling block as my son refuses to go to school and this keeps happening. We have taken away all privileges (phone computer TV, etc) He then went and punched his younger brother and hurt him for no reason whilst he was sitting peacefully to bait a reaction from me. When I asked why his answer was that he just did. I then extended the discipline saying that it would start again tomorrow. Today again he refused to go to school. However the issue that worries me at the moment is that I see that he has been taking some sleeping pills as he says that he can’t sleep at night. I am really worried and do not Know what to do. He is very angry at us and explosive all the time. The first two weeks have been going really well and then It started all other again.

Please help,

I.D.

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Emotional distress about attending school may include anxiety, temper tantrums, depression, or somatic symptoms. Parents are aware of absence, but the child often tries to persuade parents to allow him or her to stay home.

During school hours, the child usually stays home because it is considered a safe and secure environment. The child is unreasonably scared of going to school, might pretend to be sick or say he or she doesn't want to go to school, and usually wants to stay home because he or she feels safe there.

Children with school refusal are scared to go to school. They may be so scared that they won't leave the house. School refusal is most common in 5- and 6-year-olds and in 10- and 11-year-olds, but it can start at any age.

The problem might start after a child has been home for awhile, such as after a holiday, summer vacation, or brief illness. It also might happen after a stressful event, such as moving to a new house or the death of a pet or relative.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Children who won't go to school often say they feel sick. They might wake up and say they have a headache, stomachache, or sore throat. If they stay home from school, the "illness" might go away, but it comes back the next morning before school.

Children who refuse to go to school may worry about the safety of their parents or themselves. They may not want to be in a room by themselves, and they may be scared of the dark. They also may have trouble falling asleep by themselves and might have nightmares.

Parents can do several things to control school refusal before it becomes a routine, troublesome behavior.

Firmly getting the child to school regularly and on time will help. Not prolonging the goodbyes can help as well. Sometimes it works best if someone else can take the child to school after the parent or caregiver says goodbye at home.

It truly helps to believe that the child will get over this problem; discuss this with the child (the parent or caregiver needs to convince himself or herself of this before trying to convince the child).

Listening to the child's actual concerns and fears of going to school is important. Some of the reasons for refusing to attend school may include another child at school who is a bully, problems on the bus or carpool ride to school, or fears of inability to keep up with the other students in the classroom; these issues can be addressed if they are known. On the other hand, making too big a deal of school refusal may promote the child's behavior to continue.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Supportive counseling is often made available at school in these circumstances so as to minimize reinforcement of school avoidant behaviors and to prevent secondary gain from school refusal and should be encouraged for any student who wishes to have it. If the child simply refuses to go to school, some parents have found that decreasing the reward for staying home helps, for example, do not allow video games or television, or find out what work is being done in the school and provide similar education at home, when possible. This is especially if the "illness" seems to disappear once the child is allowed to stay at home.

The parent or caregiver should reassure the child that he or she will be there upon the child's return from school; this should be repeated over and over, if necessary. Let the child know that the parent or caregiver will be doing "boring stuff" at home during the school day. Always be on time to pick the child up from school if you provide transportation rather than a school bus.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him...

Thank you for getting back to me. As a matter of fact, I have been doing just as you stated. She does see him [boyfriend] under certain conditions and supervision. I'll continue to keep practicing your suggestions and hope for the best.

I have been working with your program and I have to say, it is giving me confidence and I find myself looking forward to sitting down and reading the material. I keep repeating those things like "let go and let God". I'm beginning to believe that it is me who has to change my parenting role, now that I am dealing with a budding young adult.

Question: Should I sit down with her and just tell her that I acknowledge her feelings for this boy and that it is time for me to trust her, but that she and I need to agree on some parameters for seeing him? My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him, so now I have two problems. I can handle my husband, but I want to keep peace with everyone.

Thank you again,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...should I sit down with her and just tell her that I acknowledge her feelings for this boy and that it is time for me to trust her, but that she and I need to agree on some parameters for seeing him?

Yes, most definitely.

Re: My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him...

This will create more problems than it solves. I guarantee it! Wanna take a bet?

Mark


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