Should Parents Reward Good Grades?

Mark:

I am in Week 2 and I am already seeing improvements in my daughter! We have a long way to go, but she didn’t get this out of control overnight. So I have a question ...my daughter just came home with 100% + bonus points on a Social Studies test that she normally wouldn’t have studied for and would have probably gotten a C or D. Molly is almost 14 and in 8th grade. She calls to tell me the good news and then asks me what her reward will be. I was not sure how to answer that. I told her she should just be happy with her performance (which she is), but she still keeps pushing for a reward. Should I give her something? She proposed we eat out at her favorite restaurant. I didn’t want to make the reward food, since she is overweight already.

You advice is appreciated.

Thanks!

J.

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Hi J.,

Typically we neither reward good grades nor punish bad grades.

Why? Because a built-in reward/consequence system is already in place.

The "reward" (after receiving a good grade) is the satisfaction a child feels by being successful ...the consequence (after receiving a bad grade) is the disappointment a child feels by doing poorly. Even though they may not admit it, all children feel a sense of disappointment when they receive a bad grade -- although they talk themselves into believing that the 'D' or 'F' is no big deal.

Another reason we don't reward good grades is because the parent's "reward" is usually a poor reinforcer. For example, if you said, "I'll take you out to eat if you get 100% + bonus points on your Social Studies test" ...do you think she would work hard to get the grade? I don't think so.

You DO want to reward her, but with acknowledgment and praise -- not with over-indulgence.

When can you use "eating out" as a reward? She can earn the money to buy her own meal by doing extra chores.

Having said all this, if she brings home a great report card (e.g., all 'A's and 'B's), then it's O.K. to "pull a surprise" (i.e., you can take her out to eat -- but with no reference to the grades).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Re: Children Adjusting To Mom's New Parenting

Hi K.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

I love your program and have started using it on my 2 boys aged 5 and 8.

I have learnt that I am a severely overindulgent mother, a bit of a shock to the system.

I have started the poker face and staying extremely calm, a thing I use to do and yes back then my children where well behaved.

LOL

My 8 yr old son is a gifted child. I have problems with his inability to accept that others cant do things the way he can.

He constantly puts down his little brother, is rude to others, defiant and extremely competitive. I believe that this shows low self-esteem.

I have started the chores with lots of refusal, so he has lost the things he loves.

Yes things have got a lot worse, as you mentioned they could but now he is crying and all emotional when things go wrong, instead of blaming others and abusing people.

I wonder is this a new way of trying to get me to back off and change my mind.???????

== > Partially …mostly he’s confused about your different parenting …this is his way of adjusting.

Prior to this we had a huge outbreak of throwing and hitting things which isn’t his usual way of dealing with things. Normally he would be extremely abusive and defiant. Amazingly enough I stayed calm and waited it out …. acombined time of over 6 hrs of hysteria in 2 days.

Quite proud of myself.

He is shocked that I am no longer arguing or repeating myself and the louder he gets the quieter my voice becomes.

My 5 yr old has got into a habit of bad language and hitting when things don’t go his way, probably because his brother is very good verbally and that’s his way of equaling things.

I started with the 24hrs of losing things, then went to 48hrs …this was then started again because of hitting and kicking… so 5 days in all.

Is this 2 long for a 5yr old ????

== > Close, but not quite. 7 days would be too long.

My 5yr old loves the thought of “I have EARNT something,” he’s very impressed by it.

Both my boys are extremely well behaved at kinder & school, it’s just with ME.

== > Children don’t mind showing their “ugly side” (as I call it) to the person they trust the most. This would be you. They can behave poorly in front of you because they are comfortable with you.

PS I have always been very involved in their lives and had always done what was in week 1 activities.

I do play a lot with my children… Do you think taking my time (e.g., playing games) away from them when they haven’t been respectful towards me is to tough a consequence ??? Doing this would upset them greatly.

== > It is a tough consequence – perhaps the toughest. But that’s o.k. Playing games with mom is a privilege – not a right.

I would appreciate your thoughts about the emotional way my 8yr old is reacting and you thoughts on the time with my 5 yr old.

== > I think the best thing I need to say at this point is for you to slow down a bit. I want to do what is in your family’s best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point - since you just got started with the program - is to simply work through the four-week sessions. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I’m not trying to avoid answering questions. However, since most of the problems you talked about in your email will be addressed directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the “magic bullet.” Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is “key” right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I would like to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Is this O.K.?

Your oldest son is 8-years-old. It has taken 8 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn’t to say that you won’t notice any improvements in your child’s behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program - after you have digested most of the material - email me again with a specific question regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

Thank you for being patient with the process. The reward will be well worth the effort.

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].


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Son On Drugs

Hi Mark

Just an update on what is going on with my son C__. C__ is on drugs and a friend of his mother signed for a lease on a townhouse for him to move out. It is party central there. C__ phoned me at work the other day and told me that he is scared that he is not feel well at all. A lady he works with took him aside and told him she has a concern for his health that maybe he is diabetic. He is living on energy drinks 2 -3 at a time. He asked me to get him some food that he should be eating, and he would pay me for it. He works at a grocery store, but hey I thought it was a way to talk to him for a minute or 2. I told him I was going for grocery and I would be away the rest of the weekend so I would bring over some groceries. I got to his townhouse, the one girl that lives there answered the door and looked at me funny, I know something was up. She went downstairs and got C__ to come up and he was higher then a kite. I said are you stoned and he said what do you expect? I told him to take his groceries out and put them in the fridge and give me my shopping bag. I heard voices in the basement. I followed him to the kitchen and then I ran down the stairs. There is knowing in the rec room so I went to a door and opened it up and there in the fruit cellar was 7 of them smoking dope! I asked them if their mother knew they were doing this? Then I turned out and started yelling and screaming at the one kid that's mother took my son out of the rehab center and signed the lease for the townhouse. I was yelling and screaming at him that his mother had betrayed me when I was getting my son help. The kid said I wasn't doing anything here. After I finished yelling and screaming I left. C__ was still in the kitchen putting the food away. He never came down to the basement when I was yelling and screaming at these kids. I have not contacted him since this happened on Friday night.

Today I received this email from him...

Subject: I'm Sorry

Honestly though mom I can't keep saying I'm sorry. It has been my choice to do the things that I have done... the only one I have to blame is myself. But do you really think that me being on my own and out of the house does me any good? Hmmm lets think about this one... How does a kid raised like I was get trapped in web with all the others who I looked down upon? I don't know how It happened mom I really don't, I've fucked up the past year and a half of my life I have nothing to show for it... I can't believe it has stretched this far. Sometimes I try to answer your e-mails, but it makes me feel to depressed I don't even know where to begin...
So for what its worth to you and dad I'm sorry.

Love
C__ the fuck up

My reply:

It breaks our heart to see you in so much pain. C__ you are not a fuck up at all.
Yes it was your choice to go down this path. We have been praying for you every day. It takes a big person to realise their mistakes. And an even bigger person to learn from their mistakes in life.

You are always welcome to come home, but we have rules that have to be followed. Only you can choice to turn your life around and you will need extra help and we are always here to help you, but it must be your choice and it is never to late.

If you are serious about getting help call us.

Take care of yourself.

Love Mom & Dad

Mark, am I being snowed here?

Please write back.

Thanks A.

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Hi A.,

Re: Mark, am I being snowed here?

I'm so glad you asked. I was getting worried there for a minute.

You already know the answer ...yes!

You where on the receiving end of an attempt by your son to garner your sympathy. Great strategy on his part. Once the parent becomes sympathetic, she begins to feel guilty ...then she begins to doubt herself and her decisions ...then she caves. Once the parent caves, the child is once again in the power seat (i.e., he gets to do what he wants -- with parental approval).

Here's the bottom line: Trust is gone. Your son will have to earn your trust back before you can trust him again. And the only way that is going to happen is for you to see at least one year of sobriety under his belt.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents