HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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How Parents Can Help With Teen Depression

Depression is very damaging when left untreated, so don’t wait and hope that the symptoms will go away. Even if you’re unsure that depression is the issue, the troublesome behaviors and emotions you’re seeing in your adolescent are signs of a problem. Whether or not that problem turns out to be depression, it still needs to be addressed—the sooner the better.

The first thing you should do if you suspect depression is to talk to your adolescent about it. In a loving and non-judgmental way, share your concerns with your adolescent. Let her know what specific signs of depression you’ve noticed and why they worry you. Then encourage your child to open up about what she is going through.

Here are some very specific steps to follow:

• Avoid the blame game. It can be easy to blame yourself or another family member for your adolescent’s depression, but it only adds to an already stressful situation. Furthermore, depression is normally caused by a number of factors, so it’s unlikely—except in the case of abuse or neglect—that any loved one is “responsible”.

• Be open with the family. Don’t tiptoe around the issue of adolescent depression in an attempt to “protect” the other kids. Children know when something is wrong. When left in the dark, their imaginations will often jump to far worse conclusions. Be open about what is going on and invite your kids to ask questions and share their feelings.

• Be understanding. Living with a depressed adolescent can be difficult and draining. At times, you may experience exhaustion, rejection, despair, aggravation, or any other number of negative emotions. During this trying time, it’s important to remember that your child is not being difficult on purpose. Your adolescent is suffering, so do your best to be patient and understanding.

• Don’t give up if your adolescent shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for adolescents. Be respectful of your child’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

• Don’t try to talk adolescents out of their depression, even if their feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness they are feeling. If you don’t, they will feel like you don’t take their emotions seriously.

• Encourage physical activity. Encourage your adolescent to stay active. Exercise can go a long way toward relieving the symptoms of depression, so find ways to incorporate it into your adolescent’s day. Something as simple as walking the dog or going on a bike ride can be beneficial.

• Encourage social activity. Isolation only makes depression worse, so encourage your adolescent to see friends and praise efforts to socialize. Offer to take your adolescent out with friends or suggest social activities that might be of interest, such as sports, after-school clubs, or an art class.

• Learn about depression. Just like you would if your child had a disease you knew very little about, read up on depression so that you can be your own “expert.” The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to help your depressed adolescent. Encourage your adolescent to learn more about depression as well. Reading up on their condition can help depressed adolescents realize that they’re not alone and give them a better understanding of what they’re going through.

• Let depressed adolescents know that you’re there for them, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (adolescents don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support they need.

• Reach out for support. Get the emotional support you need. Reach out to friends, join a support group, or see a therapist of your own. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, helpless, or angry. The important thing is to talk about how your adolescent’s depression is affecting you, rather than bottling up your emotions.

• Remember the siblings. Depression in one child can cause stress or anxiety in other family members, so make sure “healthy” kids are not ignored. Siblings may need special individual attention or professional help of their own to handle their feelings about the situation.

• Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment once your adolescent begins to talk. The important thing is that your child is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well.

• Stay involved in treatment. Make sure your adolescent is following all treatment instructions and going to therapy. It’s especially important that your child takes any prescribed medication as instructed. Track changes in your adolescent’s condition, and call the doctor if depression symptoms seem to be getting worse.

• Take care of yourself. In order to help a depressed adolescent, you need to stay healthy and positive yourself, so don’t ignore your own needs. The stress of the situation can affect your own moods and emotions, so cultivate your well–being by eating right, getting enough sleep, and making time for things you enjoy.

If your adolescent claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing the depressed behavior, you should trust your instincts. Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Furthermore, adolescents may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression. If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help. Neither you nor your adolescent is qualified to either diagnosis depression or rule it out, so see a doctor or psychologist who can.

Children and Head-Banging

"Help, my son is 2, he has been head banging since he was 1,we first tried to associate it with his teething, and earaches, after he got tubes he started doing better, but the past 2weeks have been horrible, we go into the bank and he bangs his head on the glass door until I’m scared it’ll break, we go to the grocery store and he bangs his mouth on the buggy until he busts his lip, he’s got a fat lip and a huge knot on the side of his head from just today, I’m very worried, he’s is also very under-active and he lays around most of the day."

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My firstborn son would bang his head quite often and not just during a tantrum. When he was tired he would sit on the couch and bang his head against the back of the couch in a rocking motion. I became concerned and spoke with the doctor. He told me it was just a nervous habit and there was nothing to worry about. He also told me that my son would grow out of it. Well he didn't, at least not completely. Even as an adult, he sometimes sleeps on his stomach and bangs his head during his sleep.

There are moments in a youngster's development that engender fear in her moms and dads: those weeks before she was born when we wonder if she will really be okay, those moments after you have handed her car keys and she drives off with her boyfriend. For moms and dads whose kids develop head banging, this is one of those moments.

Every week someone mentions this concern to me (usually in an off-hand way) and then watches to see if I am alarmed. The unspoken fear: autism.

Up to 20 percent of healthy kids are head-bangers for a time. Head-banging appears in the latter half of the first year of life and generally ends spontaneously by four years of age. Boys are three or four times more likely to be head-bangers than girls.

The youngster seems compelled to rhythmically move his head against a solid object such as a wall or the side of a crib. Often he rocks his entire body. For most kids it occurs at sleepy times or when upset (often as part of tantrums). This behavior can last for minutes at a time -- or sometimes for hours. It can even continue once the youngster has fallen asleep.

Moms and dads' fear of autism makes sense. Head-banging, head-rolling, and body rocking are each far more common in autistic kids. But these rhythmic motor activities are also normal behaviors in healthy infants and young kids (and young monkeys for that matter!). This behavior is abnormal, though, if it persists beyond the early years. Any youngster who is still head-banging beyond three years of age deserves further evaluation.

How can one tell if the head-banging is a part of normal development or an early sign of autism?

Researchers at Cambridge University have found an easy and early way to detect autism. Three hallmark behaviors are the key signs:

1. Lack of gaze-following -- by fourteen months, infants will often turn to look in the same direction an adult is looking.

2. Lack of pointing -- by fourteen months of age most kids will point at objects in order to get another person to look.

3. Lack of pretend play -- by fourteen months kids will begin to play using object substitution, e.g. pretending to comb the hair with a block.

All three behaviors are typically absent in kids with autism.

If a youngster begins even one of these three behaviors by 18 months, the chances of ever developing true autism are vanishingly small.

Why do children without autism bang their heads?

Many theories have been put forward to explain this common behavior. Perhaps the rocking and even the head-banging provide a form of pleasure related to the movement. This joy in movement is called our kinesthetic drive. All infants are rocked by their mothers when they are carried about in utero. Later on, they enjoy being held and rocked in moms and dads' arms. Movement activities continue as children grow: the pleasure of jump rope, swings, slides, amusement park rides (bumper cars!) and dancing. These activities all engage the vestibular system of the brain.

The amount and type of movement that provides pleasure varies from youngster to youngster.

Children who are under-stimulated (those who are blind, deaf, bored, or lonely) head bang for stimulation. But kids who are over-stimulated (in an overwhelming environment) find these rhythmic movements soothing. These are some of the reasons why we see more head banging in children with developmental delays or neglect.

For some kids, head-banging is a way to release tension and prepare for sleep. Some children head-bang for relief when they are teething or have an ear infection. Some children bang their heads out of frustration or anger, as in a temper tantrum. Head-banging is an effective attention-seeking maneuver. The more reaction kids get from moms and dads or other adults, the more likely they are to continue this habit.

Generally, healthy kids do not head-bang in order to injure themselves.

Will they hurt themselves?

Little ones don't seriously injure themselves from this habit. Pain prevents them from banging too hard, but even if it didn't, kids under 3 don't generate enough force to cause brain damage or neurologic problems. The front or front/side of the head is the most frequently struck. Child heads are built to take all of the minor head trauma that is a normal part of learning to walk and climb. Healthy infants and children who are head-bangers grow up to be coordinated and completely normal kids.

How can you get head-banging to stop?

Most kids will outgrow the habit on their own. You can speed up this process by reacting to it in a matter-of-fact way. Pretend not to notice. And if it is part of a tantrum, do not give her whatever she threw the tantrum to get. When you notice her head-banging, you might be able to get her to stop for the moment by distracting her or engaging her in a different activity. By decreasing the amount of time she spends in this habitual activity, she will outgrow it more quickly.

Will it affect their development?

Curiously, one large study of this habit in 525 healthy kids found head-bangers to be measurably advanced in their gross motor development compared to their peers. Specifically, this study of kids who body-rock, head-bang, and head-roll found that body-rocking and head-banging behavior was associated with a statistically significant difference in gross motor development. For kids who head-bang, the study showed they were able to hold their head up without support and walk without support earlier than kids who do not head-bang. So, the very behavior that was frightening could be a sign of something positive.

Now, of course, this doesn’t mean that teaching our kids to head-bang will make them smarter! But this study reminds us that stimulating our kid’s bodies and minds from an early age can have a profound impact on their development.

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Teens and Sugar Addiction

"My 15 year old daughter seems addicted to sugar. Her terrible diet is affecting her in a very bad way...mood swings, very poor concentration, etc."

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Ideas to stop sugar cravings—

Here are some tips for your daughter that will help curb her appetite for sugary foods:
  • Always eat a good, hearty breakfast! Do not think that skipping breakfast will make you lose weight! In fact, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism which leads to more weight loss. Breakfast will also help you to concentrate and eat less throughout the day.
  • Check food labels. Eat foods that are low in calories (anything below 200 is good) and carbohydrates. Although carbohydrates can help you think better - and they fuel the nervous system and power fat metabolism. Avoid saturated and trans fat (which leads to weight gain). Eat foods that have vitamins and minerals in them. Protein, fiber, and iron are all good for you. If you can't read an ingredient or if you've never heard of it, most likely it is not good for you.
  • Do not eat when you are not hungry! Boredom and depression can lead a person to eating things that will lead to weight gain. If you are bored, try reading a book, playing a sport, or talking to friends. Try to avoid your kitchen if you are home all day. Make sure there is no food in sight or you will get cravings. Study, if possible.
  • Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. It curbs hunger, makes you feel better and makes your skin glow!
  • Eat only until you are satisfied. Do not over stuff yourself. If you are given a ton of food on your plate, don't feel obligated to eat it all.
  • Eat your dinner earlier (in between 4:30 and 7:00) so that you can burn off some of the calories you consumed.
  • Every time you go to put something in your body, ask yourself: "Is this going to improve my health, or harm it?" If the answer is the second one, you know what to do.
  • Fill up half your plate with veggies.
  • If you get the need to crunch or chew food when you are not hungry, eat something low in calories such as fruit or gum. Ask someone like a parent to stop you from over-eating.
  • If you have a very sugary diet, you may get a Sugar Withdrawal Headache. These are tough to deal with and hurt a lot, so if you can't just ignore it, keep a single Hershey bar (or other candy bar) in your locker a week. Eat a single square when you get a headache and it'll help. Make sure it doesn't melt, or you'll end up tricking yourself into eating more than one "square" (melted lump). Remember to change it out about once a week or it'll get moldy and make you sick. Even if there's some left.
  • Know how to respond to binges. If you have a pig-out and want to burn off the calories you just consumed, go for a brisk walk or any other physical activity. Also, eat a nutritious meal after a pig-out. Alternatively, if you are tempted to binge, try eating something nutritious beforehand. By the time you finish this initial food, you may change your mind.
  • Try to avoid stress or learn to deal with it. Stress will cause pig-outs.
  • Try to eat salads and ask your parents to make them. Or, make them yourself by whipping together some ingredients. Salads are healthy and with the proper dressings and toppings of your choice, taste great. Toppings should be low-fat and examples are grated cheese, bacon, and diced eggs.
  • Try to replace things you usually eat with something healthier. If you're reaching for a handful of chips, force yourself to stop, and go grab an apple instead. (Note: this can be easier said than done.)
  • You should also ask yourself WHY you are eating something before you eat it. If the answer isn't "It's time for lunch/dinner/breakfast and I'm hungry," PUT IT BACK.

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