HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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How To Curtail Oppositional Defiant Behavior

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a troublesome pattern of defiant, disobedient and hostile behavior in kids and teenagers, toward authority figures that continues for a period of at least six months. The base prevalence rate for ODD is somewhere between 1 and 16 percent, yet surveys from non-clinical samples range between 6 and10 percent. So, at minimum, 1 to 16 percent of kids and teens in school (or of school-age) has ODD. Also, the disorder most frequently appears in boys in multiple contexts, and manifests before the age of 8 years.

Behaviors included in ODD are:

• argues excessively with adults and authority figures
• blames others
• can be manipulative, spiteful and revenge-seeking
• does not take responsibility for behavior
• gets annoyed and angry easily
• intentionally annoys others
• intentionally defies and disobeys requests and questions rules
• is stubborn
• refuses to follow rules

The youngster may say hurtful or mean things when angry, with frequent temper tantrums. 50 to 65 percent of kids with ODD also have the comorbid diagnosis of ADHD.

A youngster with ODD can be a challenge to live with. You may fear that saying the slightest thing will set off a tantrum or lead to physical violence toward you or another family member. When you have a youngster with ODD, your daily life can become seriously disrupted. Leaving the youngster with a babysitter is often out of the question, so the moms and dads' social life is severely curtailed or ceases to exist altogether. It is not uncommon to dislike your ODD youngster, even though you still love him.

When asked to do something, the defiant youngster is likely to do the opposite and can be stubborn or argumentative. While this is true of all kids at times, the defiant youngster exhibits these behaviors more often than his peers. He may be resistant to change as well as being persistent and a perfectionist.

Here are 12 crucial tips for moms and dads who have ODD kids and/or teens:

1. Avoid physical punishment. Hitting a youngster who is angry often makes him angrier. If you remain calm and rational in the face of his anger, it sends the message that he can't push your buttons and incite you to match his rage.

2. Choose your battles, but fight the ones that are important. A youngster with ODD often knows you're walking on eggshells around him. He knows he controls the household with his tantrums. Standing your ground on certain issues will show him that his negative behavior will not always get him what he wants. Be determined to keep your cool, no matter how difficult it is.

3. Give praise where praise is due. When your youngster does something you have requested or excels at something, tell him you're proud of him. Reinforce the good behavior as strongly as you punish the negative.

4. Go to family therapy. A youngster who constantly pushes your buttons may be playing on your own codependency issues. Not only will therapy help you deal with these issues, it will show your youngster that you're serious about the need to improve his behavior and that you support him in doing so.

5. Identify sources of stress. An estimated 40 percent of kids with ADHD experience ODD. If undiagnosed in your youngster, ADHD can cause your youngster stress because he cannot concentrate and is often getting in trouble. You have to address the source of the stress---the ADHD symptoms---before turning to behavioral issues.

6. Model good behavior. You are your youngster's best role model---for this reason, you should make efforts to exhibit the behaviors you desire for your youngster to act out. Keep calm and make efforts to avoid disagreements, aggressive physical behavior and combativeness with your youngster. To continue to remain patient, you should always take some time for yourself each day. Taking a walk, reading a good book or meditating can help to clear your mind and re-energize you.

7. Seek outside support. Parenting a defiant youngster can be stressful for moms and dads. Because a defiant youngster can often be out of control and disobedient, he needs parents who are calm and nurturing. However, the behaviors of a defiant youngster can take a toll on his parents’ mental health and even their marriage. This stress can put moms and dads at odds with each other as they try to find effective parenting strategies. Parents may seek outside support and intervention. Counseling and therapy for both the parents and the youngster can provide guidance so that the family dynamic is more positive. The goal is to have the important people in the youngster's life feel strong and supported so that the youngster has the same set of rules, expectations and parenting strategies.

8. Set clear limits and consequences. Be consistent, and don't back down. This gives the youngster clear structure and boundaries.

9. When possible, spend unstructured time together. Defiance can be the result of stress in your youngster. Spending time doing an enjoyable activity together can reduce stress and be a positive influence in your youngster's life. Allow your youngster to select a favorite activity, and perform it together for 15 minutes each day. This helps your youngster to see you as a caring mother or father---not as a parent who is frustrated or upset with him.

10. Take time for yourself. Moms and dads of defiant kids can easily become frustrated, weary or angry at their youngster. Because your defiant youngster needs a nurturing, caring parent, these feelings can reduce your parenting effectiveness. For this reason, you should always take some time for yourself each day. Whether taking a nap, reading a favorite book or listening to music, these activities allow you to recapture a calm spirit and help you to better cope with your defiant youngster.

11. Use positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is valuable for your youngster because it rewards him for good behavior instead of punishing him for bad. This includes teaching your youngster the best way to behave at home and at school, and rewarding him with praise when he performs well. The praise should be such that he desires to continue modeling good behaviors. Explain specifically what your youngster did well and respond enthusiastically, which will enhance your youngster's self-esteem. When he does not model good behavior, use patience and remain calm when attempting to correct the behavior. Always explain the consequences your youngster will experience if he does not behave correctly. This can include a time-out or reducing a reward for the day.

12. Watch for triggers that may set off your oppositional and angry youngster. If you know that certain things bother him, head them off before they're presented. Moms and dads and teachers can watch carefully for the signs and causes of oppositional behavior to avoid the triggers in the future.

Though all kids have defiant moments, if there is a consistent pattern of defiant behavior that appears worse than other kids and affects your youngster's social or academic abilities, he may have ODD.

==> Parenting Oppositional Defiant Children and Teens

"Punishment" Creates Problems -- "Discipline" Resolves Problems

“Punishing” teenagers often creates more discipline problems than it solves. I define punishment as anything that causes blame, shame or pain. When moms and dads focus on blaming, shaming and causing pain to their teenager, his or her brain's limbic system reacts with intense defense. When a parent punishes teenagers, they don’t react with remorse and a “how can I make it better” attitude. Instead, they react with one of the "Four R’s", which leads to increased discipline problems.

Moms and dads use punishment because it “appears” to stop misbehavior immediately (and sometimes does). Sometimes we must beware of what works when the long-term results are negative. The long-term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R’s of Punishment:
  • Rebellion
  • Resentment
  • Retreat (avoiding contact/conversation with the parent)
  • Revenge

When a teenager reacts with one or more of the "Four R’s", he is not focused on “life lessons” (e.g., making restitution, realizing how his actions affected others, learning how to repair damage, learning from mistakes, etc.). Instead of thinking about a mistake or misbehavior, the teenager is usually stewing with negative thoughts (e.g., “My parents are mean” or “How can I not get caught next time?”).

Many parents view typical “autonomy-seeking” (i.e., a teenager trying to be independent) as “teenage rebellion,” which is viewed by the parent as a discipline problem.

It is normal for a teenager to deliberately do the opposite of what her parents value most as a way to show that she is an individual. When moms and dads don’t understand the natural autonomy-seeking process, they take a teenager’s actions personally and react with strong punishments. Autonomy-seeking behavior may turn into all-out teenage rebellion if parents fan the flames of rebellion.

Not punishing teens does not mean that parents should instead be permissive. Parents should first allow time for both parties to cool off. Next, parents meet with their teenager and ask “what and how questions” (e.g., “What can you do to make up for me having to take the garbage to the street because you forgot?” … “How are you going to pay for this speeding ticket?” … “How are you going to pay for the increase in the car insurance?”) so that the teenager can problem solve how he will make restitution, pay for amends, or rectify the situation. Teenagers will learn more life lessons by “making up” for their mistakes than they will by being punished – blamed, shamed or caused pain.

The problem with punishing teenagers is that it doesn’t work in the long run to teach life lessons. Instead, punishment usually increases rebellion and doesn’t involve teenagers in solving problems and making amends for mistakes.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

Discipline means to “teach.” Discipline helps teenagers learn self-control and confidence. With discipline, parents use strategies to prevent problems plus guidance to manage conflict. Punishment is a parenting tool used after a problem surfaces.

Discipline means:
  • Assisting the teenager to accept natural or logical consequences of the misbehavior.
  • Focusing on what the teenager needs to do in the future.
  • Helping the teenager develop self discipline and learn how to become responsible.
  • Relating the strategies directly to the misbehavior.

Punishment:
  • Consists of penalties or restrictions that often have nothing at all to do with the misbehavior.
  • Focuses on what’s wrong instead of what needs to be done right.
  • Is concerned with making the teenager “pay” for what she did wrong.
  • Puts responsibility for enforcement on the mother or father instead of encouraging the teenager to become responsible for her actions.

Take the example of a teen skipping school regularly and “hanging out” at the mall in a nearby town. Possible punishments could include: revoking driving privileges, cutting off the teenager’s allowance, prohibiting phone use, grounding, banning TV and forbidding the teen to go to the mall.

There are several possible discipline strategies. Parents need to listen to the teenager’s feelings and concerns about school. Together, parent and child discuss options for addressing the problem. Parents, teen and teachers could meet to figure out what needs to be done about missed classes. That doesn’t mean there won’t be some privileges taken away for a time, but that alone would do nothing to solve the core problem.

Moms and dads can also use the if/then parenting tool. This means helping the teen understand that if he attends school and completes the work, then other privileges will be available (e.g., being able to go back to the mall).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Effective Disciplinary Strategies for Out-of-Control Children and Teens

Getting Defiant Children and Teens To Do Their Homework: 12 Tips for Parents

Moms and dads can play a crucial role in helping defiant children and adolescents handle homework challenges and succeed in school by lending a little help, support, and guidance, and by knowing what problems demand their involvement and which ones require them to hang back.

1. Apply school to the “real world”— Talk about how what children/adolescents learn now applies outside the classroom, such as the importance of meeting deadlines — as they'll also have to do in the workplace — or how topics in history class relate to what's happening in today's news.

2. Be in touch with school— Maintain contact with guidance counselors and educators throughout the school year to stay informed, especially if your child or adolescent is struggling. They'll keep you apprised of what's going on at school and how to help your adolescent. They can guide you to tutoring options, offer perspective on course load, and provide guidance on any issues, such as dyslexia, ADHD, or vision or hearing difficulties. You can also be kept in the loop about tests, quizzes, and projects.

3. Be there— You don't have to hover at homework time, but be around in case you're needed. If your child or teen is frazzled by geometry problems she's been trying to solve for hours, for instance, suggest she take a break, maybe by going shopping with you. A fresh mind may be all she needed, but when it's time to return to homework, ask how you can help.

4. Create an Environment Geared Toward Your Adolescent— Some children/adolescents need privacy, others prefer people around them. Find the place in your home that your adolescent is comfortable to do his work. Have the tools they need to get the work done. Adolescents are a lot like us... they get aggravated. After a full day at school the last thing they want to do is homework. After they get themselves to the table, all ready to go, what they don't need is to have to search for a piece of construction paper. It will be the straw that broke the camel’s back, and they will give up. We all know how this feels, so try and have what they need available.

5. Don’t forget the study skills— Help your child/adolescent develop good study skills — both in class and on homework. No one is born knowing how to study and often those skills aren't stressed in the classroom. When you're helping your adolescent study for a test, for instance, suggest such strategies as using flashcards to memorize facts or taking notes and underlining while reading.

6. Don't Let Them Overwhelm Themselves— When teenagers enter High School, they are offered many, different activities. Some adolescents try and do it all. This is a good time to explain to your adolescent that there is such a thing as 'too much of a good thing'. See how they handle the responsibility of an activity before allowing them something else.

7. Encourage teens to reach out— Most educators are available for extra help before or after school, and also might be able to recommend other resources. Encourage your child or adolescent to ask for help, if needed, but remember that in school children are rewarded for knowing the right answers – and no one likes to stand out by saying that they don't have them. Praise your adolescent's hard work and effort, and ask the guidance counselor or educators for resources for support if you need them.

8. Get On Top of the Situation— The first week, call or make an appointment to meet their educators. Get to know them, make them feel comfortable to get in touch with you. This, of course is something your child or adolescent isn't going to like, even if they are a good student. Educators that you have called to introduce yourself to are much more conscious of your adolescent in their class. So, not only does your adolescent know that you care about their education, the educators do also.

9. Instill organization skills— No one is born with great organizational skills — they're learned and practiced over time. Most children first encounter multiple educators and classrooms in middle school, when organization becomes a key to succeeding. Give your adolescent a calendar or personal planner to help her get organized.

10. Pick a Time and Stick To It—Routines make your child or adolescent feel safe and secure. When adolescents feel safe and secure, they are at their best. Get rid of the question, “Did you do your homework yet?” Know that from this time to this time, they are working on it. Be available at that time should they have questions. Let your adolescent be the one to come up with his daily routine. They are more apt to stick with it this way. Set up a consequence if they are unable to stick to the routine, beforehand.

11. Plan ahead— Regularly sit down with your child or adolescent to go over class loads and make sure they're balanced. If your adolescent has a particularly big workload from classes, you may want to see if you can shuffle the daily schedule so that there's a study hall during the day or limit after-school activities. Educators or guidance counselors might have some perspective on which classes are going to require more or less work.

12. Set Up Shop— Make sure your child or adolescent has a quiet, well-lit, distraction-free place to study. The space should be stocked with paper, pencils, a calculator, dictionary, thesaurus, and any other necessary supplies. It should be away from distractions like TVs, ringing phones, and video games.

Don't wait for report cards to find out that there are problems at school. The sooner you intervene, the sooner you can help your defiant child or adolescent get back on track.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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