HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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How To Help Your Older Teen Move Out

Question

I wanted to ask how you suggest we help our daughter move out on her own. She is in her last semester of grade 12 but not putting forward any effort, in fact skipped school all day today I found out. She has life way to easy here at home and I am sick and tired of the way she acts. I feel that she should be out on her own now. She needs a huge reality check. I had hoped to be able to continue with her at home until the end of June at which time she would have hopefully graduated. Unfortunately, with the way things are going, I don't think we can do it. I know this means she will probably quit school as she will need to earn some money to live, but maybe she will appreciate things if she has to do it on her own.

Answer

If you've decided it's time for your daughter to leave the nest, but she refuses to spread her wings, here's what to do:

1. Assess the situation as objectively as possible. As a mother, you might have mixed feelings about encouraging your daughter to move out. On one hand, you might enjoy the company, or you don't want her to struggle on her own, or you don't want to feel like you're "kicking" anyone out. On the other hand, perhaps you sense that your daughter is not pulling her own weight, and if you don't take action she might never become self-sufficient. It's important to sort through all of these feelings before you talk to your daughter.

Here’s how:
  • Show a united front. It's very common for one parent to want a youngster to move out and the other parent to be resistant to the idea. But before you can nudge your daughter towards independence, you've got to be on the same page.
  • Consider whether there is a real reason your daughter can’t live out in the real world. Sometimes a parent is reluctant to push a youngster out of the house if they believe the youngster simply doesn't have the resources to live independently. In most cases, however, the youngster is perfectly capable of being independent, but it will require some downgrading -- like moving from a house to a barebones apartment with roommates. If you determine this is the case, recognize that by allowing your daughter to stay, you're catering to her comfort, not to real circumstances.
  • Make a list of the reasons you want your daughter to move out. Be honest-- confront any ways in which having your daughter live at home makes you feel uncomfortable, and don't allow guilt to make you bite your tongue. Some reasons are obvious, such as if your daughter blatantly disrespects your privacy or belongings. Some reasons are subtle and somewhat personal and embarrassing, like overhearing your daughter with her lover(s), or the fact that you seem to be the one who ends up doing her laundry.

2. Ask your daughter if she wants to move out. This is a simple question, but will reveal a lot about why the youngster is still living at home. Usually the answer will be something like "Yeah, of course, but..." followed by a list of reasons why it just can't happen at the moment. Evaluate those reasons objectively, keeping in mind that there are probably other reasons --real reasons - that your daughter hasn't verbalized, such as that she enjoys having you to do her laundry, or being able to use your car without having to make car or insurance payments, etc. What you want to do is address the verbalized reasons (which, in many cases - but not all - are excuses) one by one, with facts:
  • "I can't afford a place." Is it that your daughter can't afford a place, or that she can't afford a place as comfortable as your place? Maybe she can't afford a place in your neighborhood and there's a reason for that; living in a nice neighborhood is one of the rewards of having a successful career. Look around: Where do other young people live? Does your daughter feel like she's "too good" to live there? Do you feel like she's "too good" to live there?
  • "I want to save up for a house, car, grad school, etc." This is probably the most legitimate reason to stick around at home, but only if your daughter is accountable to it. How much does she actually have saved up? What is the ultimate goal? Is she consistently putting money away, or do her savings patterns depend on how many good movies or video games are out that week? If she can prove that saving money is a priority for her, it's all good. But don't just take your kid's word for it. If that's the reason for staying home and getting a free ride, you're entitled to see pay stubs and bank statements, just like financial aid offices are entitled to see tax forms before they provide financial assistance.
  • "I'm looking for a job." Is that true, really? How often is she checking classifieds and job sites? In the meantime, is she volunteering so that she can make contacts, and can account for any gaps in her resume? Is she looking for "a" job or "the" (perfect) job? Is she unwilling to work a minimum wage job until she finds something better?

3. Treat your daughter like an individual who is renting a room. It may be hard to remember sometimes, but adult kids living at home are still grown-ups. A sure way to set yourself up for conflict is to over-parent your adult kids (removing video game consoles, preventing them from having guests in their room, asking them to do chores). Adult kids living at home who are over-parented and over-supervised will rebel as quickly as teens do. Not only that, but by continuing to attempt to parent them as if they were still kids, you are infantilizing them - they will not develop the skills needed in the outside world. So you need to develop some strategies to establish a new adult-to-adult relationship. Step outside of your role as a mother and treat your daughter as if she were a stranger renting a room in your home. Not only will this make your daughter less comfortable with living in your home, but it will also prepare her for renting a room somewhere else.
  • Collect rent. Check the local classifieds to see what renters are charging for rooms in your area. Set a monthly deadline and enforce it. If your daughter is late with payment, there will be a late fee. If the rent is not paid, you must firmly insist that the youngster may no longer live there.
  • Consider not providing meals. Would you feed and clean up after someone renting a room? Probably not! Most people simply allow the renter access to their kitchen. The renter still has to buy and cook their own food. Your daughter may complain that she can't cook, or doesn't have time to cook, but many young adults throughout modern civilization have gotten by on TV dinners and Ramen noodles for a few years in their lives. If you're concerned about nutrition, give your kid a bottle of multivitamins.
  • Grant her some privacy. Do not go into that room unless the smell is unacceptable. If it's messy, shut the door and leave it alone. That room belongs to another adult, and it's none of your business what's going on in there. If you're asking for rent and it's being paid, as long as reasonable quiet time and cleanliness rules are being followed, you really should not intrude. If you are granting the room, and your daughter is following your rules for living in your home, you should not be picking at her, and you should not be sticking your nose into her living space.
  • Lay down rules about noise. Most apartments have "quiet times" that begin around 11pm and end around 7am. Make it very clear that you don't want to hear any noise from them during these times - no loud TV or music, no audible laughing, talking, or guests, etc. Lay out the consequences for "noise violations" such as more than 2 noise violations a month results in a rent hike.
  • Set standards for cleanliness. Since this is an adult you're dealing with, let her room be a private domain. Generally, if you can't smell it from the hallway, it's none of your business. But, make it clear that she is responsible for cleaning after herself throughout the rest of the house - cleaning dishes, doing laundry, putting garbage in the garbage can, etc. This is a difficult standard to enforce, but there are ways. For example, if laundry or garbage is left lying around, pick it up and put it right in front of the kid's door, so that it builds up and makes it difficult for her to enter and exit the room.

4. Be firm. This is the most difficult part. If you've done a comprehensive job of laying out the rules and specifying consequences, it's essential to follow through. You have to know under what circumstances you'd be ready to pack up your daughter's stuff, put it on the front lawn, hand her a list of local rooms for rent, and change the locks. If you can't imagine yourself doing this under any circumstances, you should accept that your daughter will live with you on her terms, not yours.
  • You're not the only one struggling with this issue. There are moms and dads across the world that will identify with your struggle to give “tough love.” Seek their support and advice.
  • Scrutinize your daughter's excuses, and understand her motivations. Instead of listening to what your daughter is saying, pay attention to her actions. There is the clarity. For example, your daughter may be arranging lots of job interviews, but not getting hired. What could be happening here is that setting up interviews may be the end goal to your daughter, because it keeps you satisfied. However, once there, she is not doing her very best at interviews because she doesn't feel pressured to actually get the job. She has the luxury of waiting for the "perfect" job opportunity to roll around, and that may never happen (or by the time it does, she'll have so little experience that she won't have a shot).
  • Remember that sheltering your daughter from the harsh reality of life isn't helping her. Your job as a mother is to teach her how to become an independent adult who can survive and thrive on her own. Your love and sympathy won't help her when you're gone. Remember the Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." And remember that, far from helping your daughter, you are robbing your daughter of the sense of pride and accomplishment she will get from navigating the difficulties of life without your help. Getting a job and living independent of you doesn't only benefit you - it benefits your daughter. You can always lend a hand with a little extra cash, plus sympathy, love and understanding, if times get too rough and she can’t seem to keep her head above the water. But letting her struggle a bit is great for building character and helping her learn to be strong on her own.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

GHB Abuse On The Rise Among Teens

Have you heard of GHB?

You may not have yet, but its use is increasing. Once limited to large warehouse scenes such as "raves," GHB is showing up at parties, perhaps in neighborhoods like yours. It gives the user a feeling of euphoria, that everything is fine. GHB, like alcohol, is a central nervous system depressant that takes only minutes to make a user lose control, forget what is happening, or lose consciousness. GHB is colorless, odorless, and has a slightly salty taste. The synthetic form of GHB contains some of the same ingredients as floor stripper and industrial cleaners.

GHB was first developed as a general anesthetic, but because it did not work very well to prevent pain, its use as an anesthetic declined. The observation that GHB may cause the release of growth hormone led some people, especially athletes and body-builders, to take it because they thought it would increase muscle development.

Before 1990, GHB was available as a dietary supplement, and as such was not regulated by the US Food and Drug Administration. In 1990, after numerous reports that GHB caused illness, the FDA began investigating the drug. It is now classified as an illegal substance.

GHB has been grouped with other drugs in the "date-rape drug" category such as Rohypnol, because it can be slipped easily into a drink and given to an unsuspecting victim, who often does not remember being assaulted. GHB is especially dangerous when combined with alcohol.

The same dose of GHB can have variable effects in different people. A dose that makes one person feel euphoric can make another person sick. The US Drug Enforcement Agency has linked GHB to 58 deaths since 1990 and there have been at least 5,700 overdoses recorded since then. Moreover, there are some reports that GHB can cause dependence. Treatment of GHB overdoses is difficult because it is difficult for emergency room doctors to detect the drug.

Here are some additional facts on GHB—

1. Different forms of GHB: An odorless, colorless liquid form; also white powder material.

2. How it's used: Swallowed (in liquid or powder form, which is mixed with water, or as tablets); usually ingested in a liquid mixture; most commonly mixed with alcohol.

3. How much GHB costs: GHB is usually sold by the capful, and sells for $5 to $25 per cap.

4. Some of the consequences of GHB use: In lower doses, GHB causes drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, and visual disturbances. At higher dosages, unconsciousness, seizures, severe respiratory depression, and coma can occur. Overdoses usually require emergency room treatment, including intensive care for respiratory depression and coma. GHB has been used in the commission of sexual assaults because it renders the victim incapable of resisting, and may cause memory problems that could complicate case prosecution.

5. Some other names for it: Liquid Ecstasy, G, Georgia homeboy, cups, Scoop, Easy Lay, Grievous Bodily Harm, Liquid X, and Goop.

6. What it does: GHB causes both a euphoric high (intense rush of happy feelings) and hallucinations. GHB has caused many young people to need emergency medical care. Because the liquid is odorless and colorless, GHB diluted in drinks is virtually undetectable and sometimes is slipped unknowingly into someone else's drinks. Side effects of GHB use include drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and vision changes. People who take GHB may become unconscious (pass out), stop breathing, and go into a coma. GHB use can kill. Because both GHB and alcohol are depressants, mixing the two is very, very dangerous and can be deadly — even if someone has only taken low doses of the drug. Because of its serious effects, GHB has necessitated emergency medical care for many young people and has killed more users than the drug Ecstasy.

7. What it is: GHB (gamma hydroxybutyrate) is a depressant that is usually available in the form of a clear liquid. It is known as a designer drug because it is made (usually in home basement labs) for the purposes of getting high. Like Ecstasy, GHB is popular with club-goers and those who go to "rave" parties, including teens and young adults. When mixed with alcohol, the drug produces a depressant effect that can cause a person to become unconscious and black out. As a result, GHB is often referred to as the date rape drug.

8. Who uses it: GHB has become popular among teens and young adults at dance clubs and “raves”. Body builders sometimes use GHB for its alleged anabolic effects.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Child Hangs With The "Wrong Crowd"

Question

My 15-year-old son is constantly getting in trouble at school with a new friend. Before that friend came along, he was always so good. What should I do?

Answer

While your goal as a mother/father is to keep your son protected and safe, your son’s goal is to be with friends who like him.

Sometimes our perspectives might be a bit tainted when it comes to our kids. We tend to see ‘badness’ in others families – but not in our own. But adolescents do select friends. They’re not just simply influenced by their friends – they’re instrumental in deciding who to hang around. Maybe you didn't realize it, but if your youngster has befriended a trouble-maker, there were likely problems brewing before the friend ever came into the picture.

Few parents like their teenager’s friends – and some parents say, “It's not my teeanger …it’s those friends he hangs out with!” Maybe that's true, but the reason he hangs out with those friends is because he's similar to them. And while you're saying, “It's those other teenagers he hangs out with that’s the problem” …the other child’s parents are saying, “It's your child who’s the problem.”

So what can parents do?

Unless you have reason to believe your youngster’s activities are extremely dangerous, it’s probably wise not to forbid him from seeing the friend. Prohibiting your son from seeing this friend is an extreme measure, and taking it means you run the risk of it back-firing; it could make the friend even more attractive. You can't pick your son’s friends. In fact, if you criticize or attack his friends, you're really just making the relationship stronger. There are teens who like the fact that their parents don't approve of their friends – it adds to the intrigue of the relationship. Some moms and dads are also tempted to force their children to change schools to get away from a “bad” crowd. This tack only works if the adolescent also wants a fresh start. If not, he will simply find another negative crew.

Adolescents are developmentally at a place in their life where they're defending their peers. Your son’s natural urge is going to be to protect his friends, whether or not he knows you're right. Criticizing your son‘s friends is like criticizing an aspect of your son.

Sit down and try to have a calm discussion about what’s happening. You want to find out what’s going on with your youngster that’s driving him to hang out with a negative kid. This is really challenging. Moms and dads have a vested interest and the adolescent often gets defensive. But try to get the ball rolling by saying something like, "I’m concerned about what I see. I don’t understand what you’re doing and why." Start with the "issue" rather than the "friend." Talk about what you expect as a mother/father and why your expectations aren’t being met. If that doesn’t get you anywhere, then move the conversation to the friend in particular. Be honest with your youngster. Tell him that you’ve noticed changes since he started hanging around the friend. If there are some particulars about the friend’s behavior, it’s good to be fairly honest with that.

After you have the talk, wait. It’s not uncommon for adolescents to tell their moms and dads they’re crazy or that they’re not listening, but if you give them time to cool off and process what you’ve said, they often end up making reasonable decisions. Many children welcome help dealing with their friends even during the adolescent years and beyond. A significant number of moms and dads believe that once a youngster reaches adolescence, he knows enough to make his own decisions or that the peer group takes over. But that’s not necessarily true. Research has found that adolescents still want and need their parents to help. Moms and dads can be a counselor in friendships. They can help talk to their children about how they might work through and maintain friendships and the consequences of hanging around certain people.

If you know your son’s friends are engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then set some limits on how much time he spends with those friends. If his friends are breaking the law or doing things that are unhealthy, you can say, “Maybe they're your friends, but I'm not going to let you hang out with them.” You set the standard as the parent …you set the expectation. If your son doesn't meet it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will have to face the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.

Peer influence peeks around age 14. By the time adolescents reach high school, they’ve developed a stronger sense of self and they’re not as desperate to fit in. So if you keep the dialogue open, and if the friend truly is a negative influence, there’s a good chance your youngster will see it for himself and find better things to do with his time very soon. And what he does with his time could be to hang out with peers who are positive influences. Friends tend to get blamed for bad behavior but rarely get credit for the opposite. Peers have a strong influence, but remember that can be for the better rather than worse.

Teens are going to make mistakes and they're going to make bad choices. The best we can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what's right and wrong in the world and hold them accountable.

==> Parenting Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens

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