Top 10 Parenting Tips To Live By

Raising children is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world — and the one for which you might feel the least prepared. Below are 10 child-rearing techniques that can help you feel more fulfilled as a mother or father — and enjoy your children more.

1. Children learn a lot about how to act by watching their moms and dads. The younger they are, the more cues they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your youngster, think about this: Is that how you want your youngster to behave when angry? Be aware that you're constantly being observed by your children. Studies have shown that kids who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home. Model the traits you wish to cultivate in your children: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward. Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your children the way you expect other people to treat you.

2. If you frequently feel "let down" by your youngster's behavior, perhaps you have unrealistic expectations. Moms and dads who think in "shoulds" (e.g., "my son should be potty-trained by now") might find it helpful to read up on the matter or to talk to other moms and dads or child development specialists. Children's environments have an impact on their behavior, so you may be able to modify that behavior by changing the environment. If you find yourself constantly saying "no" to your 3-year-old, look for ways to restructure your surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits. This will cause less frustration for both of you. As your youngster changes, you'll gradually have to change your parenting style. What works with your youngster now won't work as well in a year or two. Adolescents tend to look less to their moms and dads and more to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your adolescent to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!

3. Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your children in a given day? You may find yourself criticizing far more often than complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even if it was well intentioned? The more effective approach is to catch children doing something right: "You made your bed without being asked — that's terrific!" or "I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient." These statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scolding. Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards — your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find you are "growing" more of the behavior you would like to see.

4. Face it — you’re not perfect. You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities (e.g., "I am loving and dedicated"). Vow to work on your weaknesses (e.g., "I need to be more consistent with discipline"). Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your children. You don't have to have all the answers — be forgiving of yourself. And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. Take time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your kids.

5. You can't expect children to do everything simply because you, as a parent, "say so." They want and deserve explanations as much as grown-ups do. If we don't take time to explain, children will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they have any basis. Moms and dads who reason with their children allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way. Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your youngster to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your youngster's suggestions as well. Negotiate. Children who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.

6. It's often difficult for moms and dads and children to get together for a family meal, let alone spend quality time together. But there is probably nothing children would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your youngster or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Children who aren't getting the attention they want from their moms and dads often act out or misbehave because they're sure to be noticed that way. Many moms and dads find it rewarding to schedule together time with their children. Create a "special night" each week to be together and let your children help decide how to spend the time. Look for other ways to connect — put a note or something special in your kid's lunchbox. Adolescents seem to need less undivided attention from their moms and dads than younger children. Because there are fewer windows of opportunity for moms and dads and adolescents to get together, moms and dads should do their best to be available when their adolescent does express a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other events with your adolescent communicates caring and lets you get to know more about your youngster and his or her friends in important ways. Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent. It is the many little things you do — making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping — that children will remember.

7. Children start developing their sense of self as infants when they see themselves through their parents’ eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every expression are absorbed by your children. Your words and actions as a parent affect their developing self-esteem more than anything else. Praising accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting children do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing a youngster unfavorably with another will make children feel worthless. Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons. Comments like "What a stupid thing to do!" or "You act more like a baby than your little brother!" cause damage just as physical blows do. Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your children know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them, even when you don't love their behavior.

8. Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help children choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible grown-ups. Establishing house rules helps children understand your expectations and develop self-control. Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing allowed. You might want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out" or loss of privileges. A common mistake moms and dads make is failure to follow through with the consequences. You can't discipline children for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.

9. As a parent, you're responsible for correcting and guiding your children. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how a youngster receives it. When you have to confront your youngster, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining your children. Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.

10. A youngster's sense of self-worth is a major factor in deciding your youngster's future. How they feel about themselves will affect their choice of friends, how they get along with others, and how they develop their potential. Their self-esteem influences all aspects of their lives. Your youngster's self-esteem is a precious thing and should be handled with great care. It is crucial for your youngster's healthy development and future well being. It is also has a great deal to do with how your youngster behaves now and later. Use the following tips to foster a sense of self-worth while protecting a youngster's self-esteem:

• Avoid comparing a youngster to other kids.
• Avoid compliments with riders, like, "You did this well but…" or "Fine, now if you would only…"
• Avoid talking about your kids within their hearing. Even if the story is cute, it might be embarrassing to your youngster.
• Cherish youngster's individuality.
• Compliment, praise and encourage.
• Don't call kids names or label them with derogatory words.
• Don't do things for kids that they can do for themselves.
• Don't use sarcasm.
• Let kids answer some of their own questions.
• Praise without words. Smiles and hugs are always well received by young kids.
• Spend time with them & let them see that you enjoy being with them.
• Use praise that lets kids know that they have been helpful.
• When things go wrong, focus on the behavior that is unacceptable, not the youngster.

==> My Out-Of-Control Teen: Help For Parents Who Are At Their Wits End

Dealing With Your Teen Daughter’s Bad Attitude

My daughter is 15, almost 16 years old. I have been having problems with her for about 2-3 years now. I divorced her dad just prior to this new development and have since re-married to a man who is total the opposite of her dad. Her dad was always soft when it came to his children, he allowed her to disrespect him and he was easily able to be manipulated by her, so that she could do what she wanted when she was with him.

Over this summer we moved across the country from her dad, which she really did not care that much, since she really did not have a relationship with him. I believe the only thing she missing is being able to do what she wanted.

My current husband and I have tried over the past couple of years to make her respect us and be accountable for her actions. My daughter steals from her step-sister, steals batteries out of the remotes and has taken money out of our wallet. What she wants she will get by any means. We have not allowed her to watch TV during the week due to her failing three classes and have not allow any out of school activities until her grades come up.

She states she is tired of us and her teachers nagging her and will not take responsibility for her failing grades..."her teachers are mean". She tries to make deals with us and her teachers so that she can get her way and promises to get better. She has already stayed back one year in fourth grade making her 8th grade right now, she has been told by her teachers if she does not pick her grades up she will have to go to summer school and if she does not pass that she will be retained again, no exceptions.

She keeps making empty promises to shut us up and does not want to hear it from us or her teachers when she shows no improvement. Her teachers are just about ready to give up on her, she is disrespectful in class and only cares about socializing...mostly with boys. She is lazy, has to be constantly reminded to do chores, watches TV when she is not suppose to, doesn’t hand in assignments that we have pretty much forced her to do, doesn't complete class work and has no remorse when she is caught in lies which is often. She will deal with the consequences because it will eventually be over and never learns after her punishment.

We are at a total loss with her; she has been through counseling and currently under counseling...but nothing is getting through to her. Her response is to allow her to do things and she will get better, for us to get off her back and allow her to do more. I refuse to make a deal with her and told her that these things will happen once she shows improvement. She has been told that she needs to make the changes...and she feels we all need to change first.

What else is there to do? I can't afford boarding school, military school...private school won't take her because of her IEP. Help....Please

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If you are in the thick of a power struggle with your teenage daughter, you probably want her to listen to your speeches about having an appreciative attitude. Here’s the truth: That is not going to happen! No matter how great your argument is, you can’t force your daughter to think about the world the way that you do. You can’t make her have a “better” attitude.

Adolescents often have an apathetic attitude about anything other than what they want to do. When you focus on trying to change your daughter’s attitude, you are setting yourself up for failure. In order to feel effective and empowered in your role as a mother or father, you need to learn to ignore the apathetic, all-knowing attitude and focus on your daughter’s behavior. Let her know what is expected of her in your home, what your house-rules are, and what the consequences will be if she can’t figure out a way to comply with the house-rules and expectations.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents (who are at their wits end)

Dealing with Teen Girls and Their Bad Attitude: Tips for Parents

1. Check your own behavior. It’s really not a good idea to run a red light or to do one of those “rolling stops” at the stop sign. Even if you don’t get a ticket from a cop, your daughter may come to believe that there are two sets of rules – one for your family and one for the rest of the world. Remember, she is watching how you follow the rules and will most likely behave in a similar manner as she grows older.

2. Connect consequences to behavior. There is a way for you to get a better attitude from your daughter. But there is only one way to do it. You must make it perfectly, absolutely clear that what she does will determine what happens to her. No amount of nudging, cajoling, or, worst of all, threatening, will do a lick of good until you connect consequences to her behavior.

3. Don’t assume anything! Presuming that your daughter will understand the connection between behavior and consequences just by attending school or talking with her peers is risky business. You may get lucky and have a parent down the street who points out the behavior-consequence connection to your daughter, but most will not. Adults tend to be restrained about disciplining other people’s teenagers. So if you hear that your daughter acted up at her friend’s house or misbehaved in school, do something about it yourself. Sure, it may be double jeopardy, but you would rather have the idea securely instilled in your daughter than take the chance of it not becoming part of her personal value system.

4. Don’t make the mistake of trying to get your daughter to “want” to have good grades, or “want” to get a job. That’s probably not going to happen. You are not going to transform her attitude about the world, or her place in it. Rather, it's your responsibility as a mother or father to help her learn the skills she needs to make her way in the world.

5. Don’t take sassy comments personally. When teenagers sass their parents, they feel powerful and in control, even if it's only for a few minutes. It has little to do with “disrespect” and more to do with “having a sense of power.” The best way for parents to react to a sassy statement is not to get angry but to remind their teenager who they are. You might say something like, "You are really trying to hurt my feelings here. I don't understand it. You are a better person than that."

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents (who are at their wits end)

6. Don’t try to convince your daughter that you are right and she is wrong. Don’t try to get her to stop resisting and start being “realistic.” Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change, and ignore the attitude. The happy byproduct of this approach is that she eventually develops a better attitude (which is what you want). Focus on the behavior now, and the attitude will improve later. Fair enough?

7. Focus on getting your daughter to meet her responsibilities in the here and now (e.g., homework, chores, curfew, etc.). Once she leaves your house, she is free to use the skills you’ve helped her learn—or not.

8. It’s never too soon or too late. If babies can make the connection between what they do and what they get (which they do!), then your 15-year-old daughter can surely understand the concept also. Don’t give up on your daughter – even if she professes to “forget” or to “just not get it,” don’t buy into that. She’ll figure it out quickly if there is something in it for her.

9. Take advantage of teachable moments. Although you don’t need to go on and on about the behavior-consequence connection, if you see an opportunity (and there’s probably at least one each day), bring it to your daughter’s attention. This doesn’t mean that you’re constantly criticizing her. You’re just teaching her that, for example, making fun of her friend may lead to retaliation or at least a lessened friendship, or that getting a speeding ticket on her record will mean higher insurance premiums for years to come.

10. Teen girls may communicate in action rather than word when they are frustrated. If your daughter comes in and throws down her backpack, it might be her way of saying, "I have such a heavy load to carry" (her backpack is a metaphor for her life). If the backpack lands on the ground, mom shouldn't scream: "Don't leave your backpack in the doorway." Instead, she might say in a matter-of-fact voice, "Looks like you have a heavy load. Let's put it in your room."

11. Watch out for feelings of entitlement. Be careful that your daughter does not take everything for granted — make her work for her allowance and privileges so that she sees that effort leads to results! If she complains that it’s unfair that she has to work more than their friends, call a family meeting to discuss why you are making such point about the behavior-consequence connection and why living it is so important to your family.

12. When parents make mistakes (which they do!), they have to be grown-up enough to say "I'm sorry." If a parent shows his teen daughter more kindness, respect and thoughtfulness, his daughter will be a lot less surly …she won’t feel like she has to put up a fence (or brick wall) so often.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents (who are at their wits end)

Keeping Your Teen Away From Gangs

Gang violence in schools has become so prevalent that schools now have special police officers assigned to deal with it. Being aware of gang involvement or gang intimidation is necessary to keep your adolescent safe and involved with peers who are positive influences. Adolescents looking for acceptance will often look for negative attention just as readily as they seek positive attention.

Adolescents often want to join a gang because of certain issues (e.g., racism, poverty, loneliness, media influences, etc.). Sometimes, they might be tempted to join a gang because they were not closely moderated by their parents and feel that they have the freedom to do the unlawful things gangs commit. In any event, here is how you can prevent your adolescent from joining a gang.

Tips for Parents—

1. Be a positive influence for your adolescent. Providing a strong parental role model is considered the best way to help your adolescent through difficult situations.

2. Promote positive alternatives such as sports, music or drama programs for after school and on weekends.

3. Encourage your adolescent to create a positive relationship with a trusted adult at his school. Make sure he knows there is someone at school he can go to if he is being intimidated by gang members.

4. Enroll your adolescent in conflict resolution classes if they are offered in your community. Contact your local police department gang unit for more information on how to deal with gangs.

5. Gang involvement almost always includes drug or alcohol abuse. Be prepared to test your adolescent for drug use if you suspect there is a problem. At-home drug-testing kits can be purchased from your local drugstore.

6. Give as much attention as possible to your adolescent. Gang involvement sometimes starts because adolescents aren't getting the attention they need at home. Be your adolescent's biggest fan! If your adolescent feels supported, valued and respected in his house, he may be less likely to try and meet those emotional needs elsewhere.

7. Help your adolescent focus on his goals for the future. Ask him to think about the bigger picture. This is especially important to focus on until adolescents can set strong future plans for themselves.

8. Inspire your adolescent to finish school. Young people who successfully participate and complete education have the greatest opportunity to develop into reasonable adults.

9. Keep your youngster from doing unlawful things before they become used to committing bad actions. It can be difficult to change a youngster's mind, so this is a very important step.

10. Provide strong and loving family support for your adolescent so that he or she will not be forced to search for basic needs from a gang.

11. Set an appointment to meet with the school principal or vice principal immediately. Sometimes school authorities are unaware of a volatile situation until it's too late.

12. Talk with other parents about keeping your community free of gangs.

13. Tell your adolescent to avoid gang members. If your adolescent feels intimidated, let him know that it is okay to walk or run away from these gangs.

14. Treat the problem seriously. If your adolescent is fearful of someone at school, contact school authorities or the police to deal with the situation immediately. Keeping your adolescent out of danger is your first priority.

15. Work with police and other agencies. Report all suspicious activities.

Tips for Teens—

1. Accept responsibility. Do your part to make your school safe by following all school rules, including behavior codes, dress codes, and safety rules.

2. Do not join gangs, hang out with gang members, wear gang colors or gang-type clothing, or use gang symbols or hand signs. This is a problem of image. If you look like a gang member or are seen with a gang member, rival gangs cannot tell the difference between you and the real gang member. You have a very good chance of being the innocent target of violent gang behavior.

3. Encourage your mother and/or father to become involved in your school by asking them to visit the school, meet your teachers and other school staff, and help with school activities. Take all school handouts, notices, and publications home to keep your parents informed of opportunities to be involved.

4. Never carry a weapon of any kind to school. The risk of harm to yourself and your classmates is too great. Any instrument used to attack another person can be considered a weapon, but firearms pose the greatest risk, multiplying the potential for serious injury and death.

5. Report to your parents and school authorities any incidents of crime and violence such as weapons at school, theft, attacks on people or property, and any kind of bullying or harassment. Telling is not tattling--it is one of the most effective ways to reduce crime and violence on your campus and in the community.

6. Talk and watch carefully. Travel with a group or with friends to and from school and school activities. Always be aware of your surroundings.

7. Work with your classmates to develop a school survey of student attitudes about drugs, crime, violence, and fear. Find out where and when crime, violence, or intimidation usually occurs on your campus.

8. Report your findings to the school administrators. Work with school staff, your parents, and other students to develop and put into practice at your school the following programs, if your school does not already have them:

• A conflict mediation program designed to help students settle disputes and to diffuse potential fight situations.
• A Crime Stoppers program for reporting campus crime. Call 800-245-0009 for more information.
• A peer assistance program to help teach students how to be good peer helpers and to help welcome and integrate new students into the student body.
• A student-initiated program that empowers students to take positive action to prevent school violence.
• A WeTip program, which is a national, toll-free hotline (800-78-CRIME; 800-782-7463) that receives information regarding gang violence or any major crime.
• An overall school safety plan that includes behavior codes that are publicized widely to students and parents.

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