"I need advice on how to deal with a very demanding 15 y.o. brat (sorry)!"
As a parent, you know all too well that some kids will simply not take “no” for an answer. Just as they need to learn the importance of saying “please” and “thank you,” they need to learn how to appropriately make requests.
If you are the mother or father of a demanding son or daughter, rest assured that this is not a new problem and there are many parents in the same boat. Here's some help on this issue...
20 tips for dealing with demanding children:
1. The goal for parents is to immediately respond to demands with (a) choices, (b) consequences, and (c) consistent follow-through in order to avoid power struggles and tantrums. If this is a new approach for you, the youngster will probably still have tantrums in response to this new approach. In fact, his reactions may seem to be more extreme before it improves, because he is testing new limits. Your youngster wants to see if you will react differently if embarrassed in public, if he destroys things, if he loses control, etc.
2. Ask, “How would this make you feel.” Ask your kids how they would feel if they were interrupted? If they were woken up? If you talked to them that way? Help them understand how their demanding actions make others feel.
3. Be patient with your youngster. Do not make the mistake of giving up too soon because you do not see the results you want immediately. It is unrealistic to expect your youngster's behavior to change overnight. Persevere in your efforts to teach correct behavior. The time you invest in it will be worth it in the end.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
4. Do not allow yourself to get drawn into arguments. A youngster will resist your efforts to redirect his behavior if “being demanding” has gotten him his way in the past. He may cry, yell, rage, or argue in an attempt to recapture some of his control. Do not engage in power struggles with him. Remind him of your expectations and the consequences for his behavior, and then let him decide if he is going to obey you.
5. Establish appropriate consequences. Your youngster needs to know there are consequences attached to his behavior. Communicate to your child precisely what will happen when he behaves in a way that is unacceptable (e.g., "We will leave the movies if you begin to cry or yell because you can't have any extra snacks"). Be prepared to follow through by walking out of an activity if your youngster refuses to obey. Consequences have to be consistent in order to be effective.
6. Give positive reinforcement. The most effective way to reduce demanding behavior in kids is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement. Be aware of your youngster's efforts to improve his behavior and give sincere compliments when he succeeds.
7. Avoid vague reprimands such as "act your age" or "behave yourself." Instead, give your child a clear picture of his unacceptable behavior by using descriptive language (e.g., “You are shouting at me because I won't let you stay up past your bedtime. This is not appropriate.").
8. If moms and dads allow the natural consequences of a situation to occur, the parent is not the one exerting the control – nature is. The parent can now face the situation calmly and from a detached position of presenting the youngster with his choices and then letting him experience the consequences of his choice.
9. Is your youngster demanding because that is how you talk to them? Evaluate the way you talk to your kids. We might find that we are relentless and demanding in our communication, and our children are just copying us.
10. Is your youngster demanding because he doesn’t feel he is getting enough attention? Take time to listen to him without multitasking. Sit down, look him in the eyes and just listen. Laugh together, watch his eyes, and observe his story-telling actions. Forget about the laundry.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
11. Make it really clear that a demanding, whinny, relentless voice will not be tolerated. If they have a request, it has to be made in a “nice voice.” And, saying things once will suffice. Don’t acknowledge demanding relentless requests. Before you start enforcing, teach your youngster what it sounds like to use a nice voice. Go through some common examples of demanding situations you have experienced in your home. Demonstrate a “nice voice,” and then ask your youngster to repeat the voice back to you. Give them a few sample situations where they can practice being respectful and kind.
12. Moms and dads are doing a disservice to themselves and to their youngster by giving in to demands to avoid a scene. Even if unintentional, this teaches the youngster that if his behavior gets severe enough, he will get what he wants.
13. Moms and dads should be prepared to disengage and remove themselves or the youngster if the behavior escalates. Moms and dads must be willing to leave a situation and trust that others will understand and respect their need to attend to the situation. Most people are supportive of a parent disciplining a youngster in a respectful way. Although some people would think this action would violate the parent's right to enjoy an outing, one should remember that parental responsibilities do not end whenever it's inconvenient for the parent to uphold them. The parent needs to remember the rights of others to exist in a peaceful environment, and the youngster needs to learn that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable in all situations.
14. Don’t let your youngster intimidate you. Demanding children feel like life revolves around them. You have to change that. The only way is by saying ‘no’ to some of their requests. This means we have to stay strong and not give in. Stick to your guns. When we give in to the demands, we have just taught our kids that when they are demanding and relentless, they get what they want. The exact opposite of what we are trying to teach.
15. When kids are young, it’s hard for them to understand the difference between needs and wants. Getting to baseball practice on time is “necessary.” Buying silly putty is “not necessary.” Take some time to explain the difference, and then work to only address the “needs” when your youngster uses a “nice” voice.
16. The middle of a tantrum is not the time to reflect feelings or try to talk a youngster out of being angry. That time has already passed, and the youngster will now interpret these efforts as a denial of his feelings and may escalate his behavior to convince the parent of how strongly he feels. Communication may be futile until the youngster calms down and may even keep the tantrum going by giving the youngster more attention for his behavior. Process what happened, the youngster feelings, and the choices and consequences of behavior after the tantrum is over.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
17. There are times when it is best to walk away from the situation and refuse to interact until the youngster's behavior improves. A power struggle cannot occur with one person. Walking away is not giving in. Usually the youngster wants something from the parent, either some service or attention. Walking away will give the youngster nothing and will give him a chance to calm down and rethink his choice in the matter. If the youngster has become destructive in the past, the parent can plan ahead by arranging a safe place for the youngster to go and discussing appropriate ways for the youngster to release angry energy away from others. Remember to tell the youngster specifically what behavior is acceptable rather than wording your statements in terms of "don't".
18. Try to stick with choices within limits unless the behavior becomes even more unacceptable. When this happens, moms and dads can shift the focus from the original issue to the behavior. The parent can present the youngster with a new set of choices (e.g., "You can calm down, or can we'll leave."). Remember to focus on the behavior and not attack the youngster's character.
19. When your youngster does say something in a demanding tone of voice, reflect his/her feelings ("I understand you feel...") before stating your expectation about how it should be said ("...but I expect you to tell me in a calm, polite way.").
20. Be patient with your child as you implement your new parenting strategies. We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast.
As a parent, you know all too well that some kids will simply not take “no” for an answer. Just as they need to learn the importance of saying “please” and “thank you,” they need to learn how to appropriately make requests.If you are the mother or father of a demanding son or daughter, rest assured that this is not a new problem and there are many parents in the same boat. Here's some help on this issue...
20 tips for dealing with demanding children:
1. The goal for parents is to immediately respond to demands with (a) choices, (b) consequences, and (c) consistent follow-through in order to avoid power struggles and tantrums. If this is a new approach for you, the youngster will probably still have tantrums in response to this new approach. In fact, his reactions may seem to be more extreme before it improves, because he is testing new limits. Your youngster wants to see if you will react differently if embarrassed in public, if he destroys things, if he loses control, etc.
2. Ask, “How would this make you feel.” Ask your kids how they would feel if they were interrupted? If they were woken up? If you talked to them that way? Help them understand how their demanding actions make others feel.
3. Be patient with your youngster. Do not make the mistake of giving up too soon because you do not see the results you want immediately. It is unrealistic to expect your youngster's behavior to change overnight. Persevere in your efforts to teach correct behavior. The time you invest in it will be worth it in the end.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
4. Do not allow yourself to get drawn into arguments. A youngster will resist your efforts to redirect his behavior if “being demanding” has gotten him his way in the past. He may cry, yell, rage, or argue in an attempt to recapture some of his control. Do not engage in power struggles with him. Remind him of your expectations and the consequences for his behavior, and then let him decide if he is going to obey you.
5. Establish appropriate consequences. Your youngster needs to know there are consequences attached to his behavior. Communicate to your child precisely what will happen when he behaves in a way that is unacceptable (e.g., "We will leave the movies if you begin to cry or yell because you can't have any extra snacks"). Be prepared to follow through by walking out of an activity if your youngster refuses to obey. Consequences have to be consistent in order to be effective.
6. Give positive reinforcement. The most effective way to reduce demanding behavior in kids is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement. Be aware of your youngster's efforts to improve his behavior and give sincere compliments when he succeeds.
7. Avoid vague reprimands such as "act your age" or "behave yourself." Instead, give your child a clear picture of his unacceptable behavior by using descriptive language (e.g., “You are shouting at me because I won't let you stay up past your bedtime. This is not appropriate.").
8. If moms and dads allow the natural consequences of a situation to occur, the parent is not the one exerting the control – nature is. The parent can now face the situation calmly and from a detached position of presenting the youngster with his choices and then letting him experience the consequences of his choice.
9. Is your youngster demanding because that is how you talk to them? Evaluate the way you talk to your kids. We might find that we are relentless and demanding in our communication, and our children are just copying us.
10. Is your youngster demanding because he doesn’t feel he is getting enough attention? Take time to listen to him without multitasking. Sit down, look him in the eyes and just listen. Laugh together, watch his eyes, and observe his story-telling actions. Forget about the laundry.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
11. Make it really clear that a demanding, whinny, relentless voice will not be tolerated. If they have a request, it has to be made in a “nice voice.” And, saying things once will suffice. Don’t acknowledge demanding relentless requests. Before you start enforcing, teach your youngster what it sounds like to use a nice voice. Go through some common examples of demanding situations you have experienced in your home. Demonstrate a “nice voice,” and then ask your youngster to repeat the voice back to you. Give them a few sample situations where they can practice being respectful and kind.
12. Moms and dads are doing a disservice to themselves and to their youngster by giving in to demands to avoid a scene. Even if unintentional, this teaches the youngster that if his behavior gets severe enough, he will get what he wants.
13. Moms and dads should be prepared to disengage and remove themselves or the youngster if the behavior escalates. Moms and dads must be willing to leave a situation and trust that others will understand and respect their need to attend to the situation. Most people are supportive of a parent disciplining a youngster in a respectful way. Although some people would think this action would violate the parent's right to enjoy an outing, one should remember that parental responsibilities do not end whenever it's inconvenient for the parent to uphold them. The parent needs to remember the rights of others to exist in a peaceful environment, and the youngster needs to learn that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable in all situations.
14. Don’t let your youngster intimidate you. Demanding children feel like life revolves around them. You have to change that. The only way is by saying ‘no’ to some of their requests. This means we have to stay strong and not give in. Stick to your guns. When we give in to the demands, we have just taught our kids that when they are demanding and relentless, they get what they want. The exact opposite of what we are trying to teach.
15. When kids are young, it’s hard for them to understand the difference between needs and wants. Getting to baseball practice on time is “necessary.” Buying silly putty is “not necessary.” Take some time to explain the difference, and then work to only address the “needs” when your youngster uses a “nice” voice.
16. The middle of a tantrum is not the time to reflect feelings or try to talk a youngster out of being angry. That time has already passed, and the youngster will now interpret these efforts as a denial of his feelings and may escalate his behavior to convince the parent of how strongly he feels. Communication may be futile until the youngster calms down and may even keep the tantrum going by giving the youngster more attention for his behavior. Process what happened, the youngster feelings, and the choices and consequences of behavior after the tantrum is over.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
17. There are times when it is best to walk away from the situation and refuse to interact until the youngster's behavior improves. A power struggle cannot occur with one person. Walking away is not giving in. Usually the youngster wants something from the parent, either some service or attention. Walking away will give the youngster nothing and will give him a chance to calm down and rethink his choice in the matter. If the youngster has become destructive in the past, the parent can plan ahead by arranging a safe place for the youngster to go and discussing appropriate ways for the youngster to release angry energy away from others. Remember to tell the youngster specifically what behavior is acceptable rather than wording your statements in terms of "don't".
18. Try to stick with choices within limits unless the behavior becomes even more unacceptable. When this happens, moms and dads can shift the focus from the original issue to the behavior. The parent can present the youngster with a new set of choices (e.g., "You can calm down, or can we'll leave."). Remember to focus on the behavior and not attack the youngster's character.
19. When your youngster does say something in a demanding tone of voice, reflect his/her feelings ("I understand you feel...") before stating your expectation about how it should be said ("...but I expect you to tell me in a calm, polite way.").
20. Be patient with your child as you implement your new parenting strategies. We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
