HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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Help for Adolescent Mothers

Almost 750,000 adolescents become pregnant each year in the United States. Fifty-nine percent of those pregnancies result in birth. Some adolescent mothers are often left with little support from friends, family and the dad of the youngster. Government agencies, charities and foundations have put together programs that involve housing, food resources and mentoring so that adolescent mothers and their kids can have the best start possible. Some of these are listed below:
  1. WIC, or Women, Infants and Children, is a government-sponsored program run through the Food and Nutrition Service that is operated on the state level to offer quality food to low income families. Adolescent mothers can apply for items such as formula, milk and basic food items through the state. WIC also offers breastfeeding and nutrition resources, health care and other support through their agencies. WIC conducts periodical interviews to ensure the health of the kids and the mom's ongoing need for assistance. Contact the WIC office in your area.
  2. The StartRight Teen Mothers of Mentors program is run and maintained by the Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology at the University of Missouri and Truman Medical Centers in Kansas City. With two locations, it services adolescent mothers from all over the country. The StartRight program focuses on goal-setting, completion of high school and post-secondary education and sexual health, including the practice of safe sex to avoid repeat pregnancies. The StartRight program aims to give an adolescent mother the tools to be successful as they grow into adulthood. 
  3. The "Scholarships 4 Moms" program does not offer any financial assistance specifically for adolescents and caters primarily to moms over 18 years old who are pursuing a college education. However, adolescent mothers who are under 18 can take full advantage of the same $10,000 college scholarships offered to adult applicants. Because Scholarships 4 Moms grants are transferable, if you have a friend or family member who qualifies and receives a college scholarship through the program, they can extend the opportunity to you, even if you are under 18 years old.
  4. Second Chance Housing, a program operated and funded by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, offers a community atmosphere for adolescent mothers. Set up as a group home for adolescent mothers, a cluster of housing or a subdivision, Second Chance Housing offers low-income adolescents a place to live in addition to information about basic child care skills, job skills and eventual independence. To find out more about Second Chance Housing, contact the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development about available programs in your area.
  5. Insights Teen Parent Program is an adolescent program based in Oregon that serves adolescent moms and dads from all over the country. The Insights program is available to help adolescent mothers find reliable work, housing and education following the birth of their kids. Offering healthy start medical care, Insight also focuses on case management and support groups in which adolescent moms can join together to discuss their experiences and strategies for the future.
  6. If you are an adolescent mom who is in need of financial assistance due to a temporary setback, but are otherwise able to sustain a stable environment for yourself and your youngster, you may be eligible to receive assistance for a wide variety of financial difficulties through the "Modest Needs" organization. Modest Needs is a program that allows needy applicants the opportunity to post a plea for financial assistance on a public website where volunteer donors can review your proposal and offer you the financial assistance you need. All grant applications are processed and verified by Modest Needs staff members prior to posting, but the ultimate approval of your application is determined by the actual donors.
  7. If you are a pregnant adolescent or adolescent mom in need of medical, nutritional and financial assistance, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) offers a variety of programs that can help, with agency locations nationwide. Even if you are under 18 years old, once you become pregnant you will be eligible for various financial assistance programs to ensure the well-being of you and your youngster. You may receive food stamps and medical coverage for yourself and your youngster. Adolescent moms can also receive monthly cash benefits, providing that you are willing to participate in any required work or education programs. You may also be eligible for child care assistance to enable you to work or finish school. Check with your local HHS office for eligibility requirements in your area.
  8. California adolescent mothers -- or expectant moms -- can request financial assistance from the Alameda County Social Services through its "Cal-Learn" program. The program serves pregnant adolescents and adolescent mothers as an incentive to continue their education and decrease the amount of "high school drop-outs" due to teenage parenting. There are few eligibility requirements for this program outside of being under 20 years old, a mother or expectant mom and not having a high school diploma or GED. The program awards up to $400 per year -- in $100 installments -- to adolescent mothers who continue to attend school and maintain passing grades. Upon graduation, participants are eligible to receive a final grant in the amount of $500. You may also apply for a secondary grant to afford your graduation expenses.

Raising kids can be an expensive responsibility for moms and dads on a tight budget. This is particularly true for adolescent mothers who are unemployed or trying to finish school. The good news for adolescent mothers and expectant moms is that numerous private and government-funded organizations offer a considerable amount of financial help for adolescent mothers.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teenagers

Should you let your poorly-performing teen drop out of high school and get a GED?

Your teenager is doing poorly – both academically and behaviorally – in high school. And he has just announced that he wants to drop out and get his GED. Given his turbulent history, you are starting to wonder if it might be the better route to go. Sound familiar?

Before discussing the specifics of a GED, you need to determine if your teen will be eligible to take the exam. The GED has certain eligibility prerequisites. The student:
  • must meet certain state requirements (varies state to state)
  • must not be currently enrolled in - or have graduated from - high school
  • needs to be age 16 or older

If your teen passes the above requirement, the next few paragraphs talk about specifics of the GED. The teen is awarded a GED after she passes every one of the five sections of the GED with a 60 % or higher score than the sample set of graduating high school seniors. The sections are: Language Arts/Reading, Language Arts/Writing, Mathematics, Science and Social Studies.

Depending on your teen’s aptitude and how prepared he is, he may be able to pass the GED with relatively little studying. The total amount of time for all of the GED tests is seven hours and five minutes. Clearly, study time for the average student will require more than seven hours. It's likely that your teen will need to take some kind of preparation course (e.g., online or in-class instruction) before taking the GED. Thus, total time will be well over seven hours.

If your teenager is considering dropping out of high school and taking her GED, it is important to thoroughly think about the pros and cons of doing so before making such a serious decision.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Pros of getting a GED: 
  1. Life circumstances often force teens to leave school early. With the GED, teens can continue their education without the restrictions and extraneous classes that often accompany attending a traditional high school.
  2. Many GED holders continue to community college before earning a four-year degree. Once these young people have proven themselves by taking college courses, admission to four-year universities becomes easier.
  3. Teens who are bored in high school can use the GED to test out of classes and use the extra time to develop a work history.
  4. Teens with a GED who are able to hold down jobs often gain a sense of responsibility and freedom that traditional students do not have.
  5. Whether your teen drops out because he didn’t like school or he left for another reason, getting a GED can be a second opportunity to taking a step in furthering his education.

The Cons of getting a GED: 
  1. Depending on the individual college, a GED holder may be required to take additional tests, such as the SAT or ACT, to determine the GED holder's specific knowledge.
  2. Even though some colleges, especially junior and community colleges, accept the GED, statistically speaking, those with a GED are less likely to attend. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 73% of high school graduates went on to complete at least some post-secondary education, but only 43% of those who had a GED did the same. Graduates are also much more likely to finish college compared to those who have their GED. Only 5% of GED-holders went on to earn at least a bachelor’s degree, compared to 33% of high school graduates.
  3. It is not possible to take a GED online. You can study and prepare for the GED online, but the actual test must be proctored at a place approved by your state. However, you can get your high school diploma online.
  4. Most entry-level jobs accept either a high school diploma or GED; however, many employers may question why an individual chose to get a GED over a high school diploma. Each employer will respond differently to a candidate with a GED instead of a high school diploma, and some employers may have a preference for one or the other. 
  5. Once you leave high school, you may not be able to go back. You may miss the school functions and the schedule, along with the experiences that you can’t get back once they pass.
  6. Some universities and colleges won’t accept the GED. More often than not, you will be able to get into a community college, but depending on the other institutions you are applying to, it may be a bit more difficult to get accepted. 
  7. The decision to get a GED, rather than graduate from high school, affects earning potential. In 2009, those with GEDs had lower earnings than students with a high school diploma. High school graduates averaged about $4,700 a month, whereas GED recipients earned about $3,100. Interestingly enough, even when GED holders do go on to college and earn a bachelor's degree, they still earn about $1,400 less a month than those who received a high school diploma.
  8. The GED is not simple, and neither is the process of getting to the point where you are ready to take it. The GED takes more than seven hours and is comprised of five tests. Unfortunately, even though some dropouts claim they will take the GED, they end up not taking the test at all.
  9. The military often prefers applicants with high school diplomas. The Air Force requires a minimum qualifying score of 65 on the ASVAB for GED holders. GED holders must wait for openings to become available in the Air Force, as less than 1% of enlisted individuals are GED holders during any one-year period. 
  10. Trade and labor job-seekers are often not negatively impacted by a GED, but those seeking professional positions may have more trouble finding jobs. In 2011, the unemployment rate for high school dropouts was about 4 percentage points higher than for graduates, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Pursuing a GED is a personal choice. It’s a good choice for some, and a poor choice for others, depending on individual circumstances. In any event, high school is a “once-in-a-lifetime” experience, and dropping out leads to missed opportunities. High school graduation is the culmination of a long educational journey, and receiving a diploma is a huge accomplishment that takes years to achieve. Teens should seriously consider whether dropping out to get a GED is worth missing out on this sense of pride and accomplishment. Obtaining a diploma versus a GED shows colleges and employers that the young person possess the drive and determination that is needed in a competitive job market.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defiant Teens and Manipulative Behaviors

Defiant teens know how to push their parents' buttons. Instinctively, they come with an arsenal of tools to get what they want, avoid getting into trouble, or cause their moms and dads to blow a fuse out of frustration. This is called manipulative behavior. There are smart ways to counteract the manipulation. Below are some important suggestions on what you can do if you have a defiant, manipulative teen.

How to Deal with Manipulative Behavior:

1. Agree on strategies to deal with your adolescent's manipulative behavior with your spouse/partner. For example, if you tell your adolescent that she can't go out on a Friday night until she finishes her homework, it will be useless unless your spouse/partner tells her the same thing. If an adolescent does not get her way with one parent, she may go to the weaker parent to get what she wants.

2. Be consistent. Learn to say “no” with some strength behind it when you mean it. If your “no” often becomes a “yes” because your teenager has been successful at wearing you down, a pattern of emotional blackmail can result. Your teenager has learned that being relentless works. So say “no,” state your reason, make it short and to the point, and walk away.

3. Be honest with your teenager about her manipulative behaviors. Have a frank and upfront discussion about how you understand what she is trying to do and how it makes you feel. Expect her to deny ever doing any of the things you say she is doing. However, continue to explain that you don't care for the way she is manipulating you and she must stop immediately.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Claim your bottom line. Manipulative behaviors are designed to throw you off balance and create self-doubt. Knowing your own bottom line as a mother or father will help you when your teen comes at you with her resourceful ways to make you unsure of yourself and lose your center. Hold on to your parenting principles. Be careful not to let your teen’s emotions drive you. Listen to her feelings so she knows you care, but stick to the rules you've established.

5. Display a sense of confidence. Manipulative teens mostly target those parents whom they think to be low on self-esteem and having a less amount of self-confidence. Don’t portray yourself as a parent who is naive and can’t stand up for his or her parenting principles. Walk tall with your head high and show that you feel really confident about your parenting decisions.

6. Do not allow your adolescent to bully you to get his way. Speak to him in a firm voice (e.g., "Are you trying to bully me?"). Asking him this question lets him know that his behavior is inappropriate and that you will not put up with it.

7. Don’t get drawn into lengthy discussions. If your teenager is asking you for something you have some flexibility on, go ahead and listen to her argument as long as she’s being respectful. If it seems reasonable to you, you can decide to change your “no” to a “yes.” However, if you don’t change your mind, only discuss it with her up to a certain point. Stop giving her your counterpoints and disengage. You’ll know when it’s time for you to stop when you feel like your buttons are being pushed. Pay attention to this and swiftly end the conversation and disengage. Don’t say another word. Walk into another room or out of the house. Engaging at all, in any way, will only add fuel to the fire.

8. Don’t try to explain yourself after you’ve said “no.” Once you’ve said “no,” any attempt on your part to justify it will not matter. All your teenager is listening for is whether or not your decision still stands. If you continue the conversation, all it will be about is her trying to get you to change your “no” to a “yes.” So, don’t get hooked into trying to get your teenager to “understand” and be “okay “with your decision. As far as she’s concerned, any “no” is totally unfair. You will get nowhere trying to make your “no” acceptable.

9. Understand that a defiant teen is a work in progress. She might need to learn better ways to manage herself in life, but she is not bad or malicious. Her intentions are not to “hurt you” or make your life miserable; however, if you believe that's her intention, then you will see her that way. Believing in your teen will help her see herself with all the goodness that is in her and with all her best intentions.

10. Have realistic expectations. It’s unlikely that your “no” will be followed by your teenager saying, “Okay, fine.” Manipulation will probably follow instead. So, be prepared for it. It’s what defiant teens do. And as difficult as it is to say “no” (because of what you know will follow), it’s also extremely important to learn to say it and stick with it.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Identify what kind of manipulative behavior your teen is trying to use. Manipulative behavior is all about control. Most teenage “manipulators” try to make the parent do things for them by getting the parent to feel a sense of guilt or sympathy. So, learn to identify this. Instinctively, defiant teens develop tactics to get what they want -- and avoid what they don’t want. These tactics work when they trigger a reaction in the parent. So, pay attention to your triggers. For example, your teenager might try to emotionally blackmail you by acting depressed until she gets what she wants. This will be a trigger for you if you believe your job is to keep your teenager happy.

Start by asking yourself if your job is to make her happy, or to help her prepare for adulthood. If it's the latter, then you can answer with, “I'm sorry you're upset, but you're still grounded this evening.” Another common manipulation involves anger (e.g., "That’s not fair!!!"). Don’t take statements like this to heart (e.g., “I know you think this isn’t fair, but you do need to shut the computer down now."). Some teens will play the victim-role and say things such as, “All my friends can stay out past 11:00." Don’t take the bait. Separate out the emotional content from what your teenager is trying to get. Hear her feelings about being the “only one” who can't stay out late, but stand strong on your curfew time.

12. Know what triggers your negative reactions. Your teen may display a certain tone of voice, a certain look, an attitude or certain actions that may upset you and get you to react. Manipulative behaviors therefore might set you off. If you prepare for them by knowing your buttons, they will be less likely to get pushed. (Here’s an example: You have a strong need for approval from your teenager, so hearing her say “I hate you” is a trigger for you. You want to “keep the peace,” so instinctively, you let her off the hook so she won’t be unhappy with you.) Recognizing your triggers will help you plan and prepare for how not to let your teenager push your buttons.

13. Listen before you speak. When your teenager asks for what he wants, listen. Give his requests the consideration they deserve. That does not mean always saying yes, but it does mean giving them some honest thought. If your teenager knows he can come to you directly, he will be less likely to try to get what he wants indirectly.

14. Realize that manipulative behavior is normal behavior in defiant teens. It’s important to realize that your teenager’s attempt to get you to change your mind and say “yes” is normal.  When you realize he’s not doing it because of some terrible pathology inside of him, it will help you relax and deal with the behavior. Rather than reacting with panic or worry, if you’ve thought things through and are comfortable with your decision, just stick to your guns. Caving in to your teenager’s demands in order to steer clear of his tirades will only teach him that manipulation works.

15. Some teens use lying to get what they want from parents. These lies can be either blatant, or subtle "white lies." But no matter the form, lying can be an effective way to manipulate you if you’re not careful. It's really hard to deal with children who lie. You may get burned a time or two before you see that you are being misled big time. Once you have caught your child in a lie, refuse to accept anything she says as true. Withhold your trust and explain to her that the lies must stop now, and she will have to prove herself to earn your trust again.

16. Take care of yourself. Be in charge of your own emotional health. Don’t give in to your teen’s manipulations so that you can feel calmer. If you need him to be happy or to validate you, then you might inadvertently give in to your teen so that you can feel good. But each time you justify his behavior and let him off the hook so that you feel better, he learns that these behaviors are effective and he grows to depend on them. Instead, learn to tolerate him being upset, which will in turn help him to tolerate his uncomfortable emotions. Managing your own calm will free your teen up to learn how to manage his life and get his needs met without resorting to manipulative behaviors.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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