Frustration, Aggression and Violence: Tips for Teens

About 16% of high school kids carried a weapon at least once during the 30 days before they were surveyed. Also, about 7% reported that they have been threatened or injured with a weapon. Many different factors cause aggressive behavior. The more these factors are present in your life, the more likely you are to commit an act of aggression.

What causes someone to punch, kick, stab or fire a gun at other people? There is never a simple answer to that question. But teens often commit aggression because of one or more of the following:
  • Aggression is a learned behavior. Like all learned behaviors, it can be changed. This isn't easy, though. Since there is no single cause of aggression, there is no one simple solution. The best you can do is learn to recognize the “red flags” (i.e., warning signs) of aggression and to get help when you see them in your peers or yourself.
  • Some teens use aggression to release emotions of rage or frustration. They think there are no answers to their problems and turn to aggression to express their out of control emotions.
  • Aggression is used as a way to control others or get something they want.
  • Aggression is used to retaliate against those who have hurt them or someone they care about.

Teens who act aggressively have trouble controlling their emotions. They may have been hurt by others. Some think that making others fear them through aggression (or threats of aggression) will solve their problems or earn them respect. This isn't true. Some aggression occurs as a response to prolonged hurt, trauma, bullying or victimization. Teens may use aggression to get something, while others may act out of self-protection or desperation. In any event, remember that teens who behave aggressively lose respect. They eventually find themselves isolated or disliked, and they still feel angry and frustrated.

Rage itself is not always a sign that aggression or an act of violence is imminent. What is most important to look at is if there are “new” signs and significant changes in behavior. The presence of some of the signs listed below should alert you to the possibility that a particular teenager may be at risk of aggression or violence. Some signs of potential for aggression may be historical factors like:
  • Being callous or lacking empathy for others
  • Early childhood abuse or neglect
  • Family or parent condones use of aggression
  • Having a major mental illness
  • Having been a victim of bullying
  • Having witnessed aggression at home
  • History of aggressive or aggressive behavior
  • History of cruelty to animals
  • History of discipline problems or frequent conflicts with authority
  • History of vandalism or property damage
  • Young age at first aggressive incident

Other signs of potential aggression may be present over time and may contribute to the risk of aggression given a certain event or activity. These might include:
  • Access to or fascination with weapons, especially guns
  • Feeling constantly disrespected
  • Gang membership or strong desire to be in a gang
  • Regularly feeling rejected or alone
  • Serious drug or alcohol use
  • Trouble controlling emotions like rage
  • Withdrawal from friends and usual activities

Some signs of potential aggression may be new or active signs, for example:
  • Acute episode of major mental illness
  • Announcing threats or plans for hurting others
  • Declining school performance
  • Frequent physical fighting
  • Increased loss of temper
  • Increased risk-taking behavior
  • Increased use of alcohol or drugs
  • Obtaining or carrying a weapon
  • Planning how to commit acts of aggression

When you recognize signs of aggression in someone else, there are things you can do:
  • Don’t resort to aggression or use a weapon to protect yourself.
  • Don't spend time alone with teens who show signs of aggression.
  • If you are worried about being a victim of aggression, get someone in authority to protect you.
  • Tell someone you trust and respect about your concerns and ask for help (e.g., family member, guidance counselor, teacher, school psychologist, coach, clergy, school resource officer, peer, etc.).
  • The key to really preventing aggressive behavior is asking an experienced professional for help.
  • The most important thing to remember is to not go it alone and to take any signs or threats seriously.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

It's normal to feel upset when you've been let down or betrayed. But rage and frustration don't justify aggressive action. Rage is a strong emotion that can be difficult to keep in check, but the right response is to always stay cool. Here are some ways to deal with rage without resorting to aggression:
  • Express criticism, disappointment, rage or displeasure without losing your temper or fighting. Ask yourself if your response is safe and reasonable.
  • If you're afraid to talk or if you can't find the right words to describe what you're going through, find a trusted friend or grown-up to help you one-on-one.
  • Listen to others and respond without getting upset when someone gives you negative feedback. Ask yourself if you can really see the other person's point of view.
  • Negotiate and work out your problems with someone else by looking at alternative solutions and compromises.
  • Take a time-out and calm yourself before you respond to the situation or person who is triggering your rage.

Rage and frustration is part of life, but you can free yourself from the cycle of aggression by learning to talk about your emotions. If you recognize any of these signs for aggressive behavior in yourself, talk with someone who can help (e.g., a friend or a grown-up you trust). You don't have to live with the guilt, sadness and frustration that comes from hurting others. Admitting you have a concern about hurting others is the first step. Talking to a trusted grown-up (e.g., school counselor or psychologist, teacher, family member, friend, clergy, etc.) is the second step. They can get you in touch with a professional who cares and can help.

Everyone feels rage in his or her own way. Start managing it by recognizing how rage feels to you. When you are very upset about something, you probably feel:
  • A "knot" or "butterflies" in your stomach
  • Accelerated heartbeat
  • Changes in your breathing
  • Flushed in the face
  • Goose bumps
  • Muscle tension
  • Trembling

You can reduce the rush of adrenaline that's responsible for your heart beating faster, your voice sounding louder and your fists clenching if you:
  • Imagine yourself at the beach, by a lake, or anywhere that makes you feel calm and peaceful.
  • Take a few slow, deep breaths and concentrate on your breathing.
  • Try other thoughts or actions that have helped you relax in the past.

Keep telling yourself:
  • "I'm not going to let him get to me."
  • "I don't need to prove myself."
  • "Calm down."

More tips to staying calm:
  • Consider the consequences.
  • Don't argue in front of other teens.
  • Learn to recognize what sets you off and how rage feels to you.
  • Learn to think through the benefits of controlling your rage and the consequences of losing control. 
  • Make your goal to defeat the problem, not the other person.
  • Only you have the power to control your own aggressive behavior – don't let rage control you.
  • Stay cool and think. 
  • Think before you act.
  • Try to find positive or neutral explanations for what that person did that provoked you.

Some teens who have trouble dealing with their emotions don't react by lashing out at others. Instead, they direct aggression toward themselves. The most devastating expression of this kind of aggression is suicide. Like teens who are aggressive toward others, potential suicide victims often behave in recognizable ways before they try to end their lives. Suicide, like other forms of aggression, is preventable. The two most important steps in prevention are recognizing red flags and getting help. Red flags of potential self-aggression may include:
  • Drop in quality of school performance or interest
  • Emotions of hopelessness, guilt or worthlessness
  • Feeling like a burden to others
  • Getting into trouble with authority figures
  • Giving away important possessions
  • Hinting at not being around in the future or saying good-bye
  • Impulsive, aggressive behavior
  • Lack of interest in usual activity
  • Major change in eating or sleeping habits
  • News reports of other suicides by teens in the same school or community
  • Perfectionism
  • Poor control over behavior
  • Previous suicide attempts
  • Recent break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or conflict with moms and dads
  • Recent death or suicide of a friend or family member
  • Significant alcohol or drug use
  • Sudden increase in moodiness, withdrawal or isolation
  • Threatening or communicating thoughts of suicide, death, dying or the afterlife

Oftentimes, suicidal thinking comes from a wish to end emotional pain. But keep in mind that pain often diminishes and emotions change. There are almost always options to something as final as suicide. Sometimes we just need some help to see them. If a peer mentions suicide, take it seriously. Listen carefully and then seek help immediately. Never keep their talk of suicide a secret, even if they ask you to. Remember, you risk losing that friend forever. When you recognize the red flags for suicidal behavior, do something about it. Tell a trusted grown-up what you have seen or heard. Get help from a professional as soon as possible. They can help work out the problems that seem so unsolvable but, in fact, are not.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Challenges of Step-Parenting

Aside from juggling households and visitation, the one thing that seems to cause a stepson or stepdaughter the most difficulty is the stepparent’s attempts to “act as” a biological parent. However, since step relationships (especially new ones) are usually complicated and fraught with conflict, it can be almost impossible for a stepparent to refrain from disciplining the stepson or stepdaughter.

After all, most stepkids test the stepparent’s limits to the max, trying to see how far they can push until the stepparent breaks. The question is how to deal with it?

Here are some crucial tips for stepparents:

1. Your stepkids are dealing with their own feelings of loss, anger, confusion, and resentment about the divorce or remarriage. It may be easy to see their misbehavior as a direct attack on you, but remember that they need space and time to process the changes that have happened in their life. Even biological kids are known to lash out at their moms and dads with an "I hate you!" every now and then.

2. At first, the direct assigning of limits and consequences should probably be left up to the biological mother or father. So, avoid taking a direct role. Experts say it takes at least 2 years for children to begin to accept discipline from a stepparent. Two years is also about the time it takes to grow a strong, trusting  relationship.

3. Biological moms and dads must explain to their kids that the stepparent can also “remind” them of rules, whether or not he or she “enforces” the rules.

4. Bite your tongue. At times, this is going to be very difficult. Keep biting. Drag your spouse into the bedroom to whisper disciplinary suggestions—that's o.k. You have the right to voice your opinions, but let your spouse be the final decision-maker and the enforcer.

5. Remember that discipline is the entire process of raising a youngster. You can - and should - model good behavior, treat the stepchildren with respect, and encourage and reward them for things they are doing well. Leave the biological mother or father in charge of dealing with any major problems until you've gained their trust. Then you'll be able to assert yourself in a way they won't resent.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


6. Stepparents should focus on encouraging desired behaviors, attitudes, and interactions rather than focusing on bad ones. Biological moms and dads generally have had all that time from infancy through the present to generate attachment and all those positive, loving feelings between themselves and their youngster. Stepparents are usually getting involved once the youngster is old enough to misbehave, but in most cases missed the opportunity to fall in love with the child.

7. Find time to spend one-to-one time with your stepson or stepdaughter to do shoulder-to-shoulder, low-key activities (e.g., a run around the lake, shooting hoops, watching a favorite show, shopping, etc.). Most stepchildren (especially teens), don’t want to be forced into a sit-down, face-to-face, "let's talk" conversation. Instead, you want to build the relationship through shared experiences that will naturally give you opportunities to learn about each other. Try to choose an activity that neither biological parent does with the youngster to limit any sense of competition. For example, if the stepson loves football, but his biological father likes basketball, and his mother isn't interested in sports at all – then this could be a great way for a new stepparent to connect with the child.

8. You are a legitimate participant in the family process. Although it may be best for you to play a backseat role in regard to discipline, this doesn't mean that you have to be a non-participant. The biological mother or father has the final say, but the stepparent still can have input. If your spouse is not supportive of your needs or is practicing permissive parenting, you can still decide what you will and won't do. When the stepchildren are being disrespectful to you, it's okay to let them know that you're happy to take them for driving practice, make them a tasty dessert, or make their favorite meal for dinner WHEN they can treat you respectfully. Being a stepparent does not mean being a doormat.

9. Take the time to talk with your partner about what's working and what's not. You and your partner are from two different family cultures, and you have very different positions in your family. Your job is not to agree with each other right away. It is to stay caring and open to each other despite your differences. Staying connected takes a lot of time and talking. Check in often, and comfort each other when things are difficult.

10. Expect your stepchildren to “act out.” They will test the waters and push the boundaries when there is someone new in the family. Kids are feeling their way through how much control they have, and they will try to play the mom and dad off each other. Don't take this as a sign that your stepkids will hate you forever or that you'll never be happy together as a family. Instead, keep having honest communication with your partner about parenting issues, and continue to find ways to have positive interactions with your stepkids to build a bond.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


11. Once you've lived together for quite a while and are comfortable, then you can begin to make independent decisions about discipline without deferring to your spouse. It's appropriate to make spontaneous disciplinary choices when the biological parent is not available, or when there are no established consequences for the misbehavior; however, any decisions you make should be based on family values, rules, and limits.

12. Don't come into the stepfamily with a list of ways to "fix" things. If you do, your stepchildren may see you as trying to erase all evidence of their life before you entered it. Instead, give your partner and stepchildren time to settle in and get used to the new living arrangement. Then try to tackle one change at a time while remembering that all members will need to compromise. Research shows that it can take four to seven years for a stepfamily to function like a “normal” family, so give everyone time to adjust.

13. Never argue with your partner about the youngster’s behavior in front of him or her.  Always discuss it behind closed doors. 

14. You can't force your stepkids to like or love you, but you can require a standard level of respect. The biological mother or father should convey to the kids that “when you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me.” The biological mother or father should clearly explain the difference between love and respect, and the expectation for how the youngster needs to treat the new stepparent (e.g., “You don't have to love your stepfather, but you need to be decent to him”).

15. As time goes by, and you begin to move into more of an authority role, you can begin to issue consequences when your stepchild violates established rules and regulations. You can also make use of reminders (e.g., "In this house, we all clean up on Saturdays," or "Michael, you know your mom insists you eat some vegetables before you eat dessert").


   

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When YOUR Child Is The Bully

Bullies are made, not born. If left unchecked, bullying can lead to serious life-altering consequences. Bullies come in every shape and size. They are from every ethnic group, race, socioeconomic class, gender and religion. As a mother or father, you'll probably be shocked to learn that your youngster is intentionally causing pain and humiliation to other kids.

Kids who bully, and continue this behavior as grown-ups, have greater difficulty developing and maintaining positive relationships. Also, they are more likely to experience a decline in their peer-group status, which becomes more and more important in the youngster's social development as he enters adolescence.

Research shows that kids who resort to bullying often:
  • Come from families where the mom, dad, or siblings bully
  • Do not receive adequate parental attention or supervision 
  • Have a mom or dad that does not enforce discipline
  • Have low self-esteem
  • Lack empathy and compassion for others' feelings
  • May be expressing anger about events in their lives
  • May be the victims of bullying and are trying to retaliate
  • May be trying to impress their peers
  • Want to be in control

Given the short- and long-term consequences – not only for victims, but for the bullies as well – it is important to keep an eye out for signs that your youngster may be bullying others.  

A youngster who bullies may exhibit any of the following behaviors:
  • Defiant or hostile attitude (e.g., easily takes offense)
  • Frequent name-calling (describing others as ‘wimps’ or ‘jerks’)
  • Lack of empathy for others
  • Need to always get his own way
  • Regular bragging
  • Spending a lot of time with younger or less powerful children

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Bullying is often a result of unhappiness, low self-esteem, and emotional insecurity. The first step is to talk with your youngster about what you have heard.  

Here are a few questions to ask your youngster that might help get the conversation started, and help you understand the situation so you can take appropriate action: 
  • Are you being bullied?
  • Do you get along with your peers at school?
  • How are things going at school?
  • How do you treat other kids?
  • What do you think about being considered a bully?

The good news is that there IS a lot that a mother or father can do to help their youngster stop bullying. By taking immediate action, you can help your youngster learn new ways of handling his feelings, peer-pressure, and conflict with peers.

What to do if YOUR child is the bully:

1. Acknowledge the problem. Communicate directly with your youngster. Let him know that you are aware of the bullying, that you take it seriously – and that it won’t be tolerated.

2. Be realistic. Your youngster’s behavior will not change in a week. When you are talking with your youngster, try to focus on how the “behavior” is unacceptable, not on your youngster as a person.

3. Control the amount of violent television shows and video games that your child engages in. The interactive quality of video games differs from passively viewing television or movies, because it allows players to become active participants in the game’s script. Players are rewarded for their violent acts by moving up levels, resulting in playing for longer time periods. There’s evidence that children become less sensitive to violence after observing it over and over. When kids play violent video games for an extended period of time, the following can occur: (a) decline in school achievements; (b) increases in aggressive behavior because violent acts are continually repeated throughout the video game; (c) more likely to have confrontation with their educators; (d) encourage fights with their peers; and (e) tendency to be more aggressive.

4. Discuss the topic of firearms. The easy access to firearms has led to numerous school shootings and accidental shootings. It would seem like a common sense move to keep them away from kids. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Talk to your youngster about this topic. Owning a gun is o.k. However, they need to be locked and placed in a secure location. Having trigger locks is also a good idea.

5. Examine behavior and interactions in your own home. When you discipline your youngster, are you focusing on how the behavior is unacceptable rather than your youngster’s personality? Is there something at home that is encouraging this type of behavior (e.g., violent media, video games, television and movies)? Are there interactions that may lower your youngster’s self-esteem (e.g., constant teasing or taunting by a sibling)?

6. Explain to your youngster the harm caused by his behavior. Bullying causes physical, psychological and emotional harm to other kids.

7. Is there a lack of supervision at home? Maybe the youngster has too much time alone. Kids get into more trouble between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. because of having too much free time. Limit your youngster’s unsupervised time. Also, spend more time with your youngster and his friends by inviting them over while you’re home.

8. Listen to what others have to say about your youngster's behavior. Then, listen to your youngster's side of the story. Try to understand what is behind the behavior. Is your youngster being bullied? Are his friends bullies too? Start the conversation.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

9. Make sure that your youngster's behavior is not due to a disability. Sometimes kids with limited social skills or behavioral issues bully others. It still needs to be addressed, but perhaps in conjunction with his Individualized Education Program.

10. Model respect, kindness and empathy. You are your youngster’s role model, and he may very well learn to treat others with respect by watching you.

11. Most of the time, bullies are also victims – and it could be coming from the home. Is there an abusive mother or father in the home? Does your youngster frequently get criticized at home? Does he get spanked or hit? Does anyone yell or use name-calling or put-downs? Are you, your spouse, or a sibling a bully at home? Many times, parents do not recognize the habits they have that may be contributing to bullying behavior.

12. Prevent bullying in the first place. Be proactive about bullying prevention. Find out your school's policies on bullying prevention and actions taken if a youngster is bullied. Join the Parent Association, and ask for training on signs and symptoms and how to start a prevention program with the school children.

13. Role-play how your child can handle future conflicts with his peers. Change characters and have your youngster play the part of the youngster that is being bullied. This will help him understand why his behavior should change.

14. Meet with school officials. Let them know there is a problem, and ask them how you can work together to solve this issue. Realize this may just be a wake-up call that should be stopped before it becomes a huge habit. Working together with the teachers will be more helpful than working against each other and passing the blame. They may have dealt with this topic numerous times in the past. So, schedule an appointment to talk with school staff – including the school counselor. School staff that work with your youngster every day may be able to help you figure out why he is bullying and provide you with some tools to solve the problem.

15. Seek professional help, if needed. Sometimes a situation calls for more than parental intervention. Bullying can be a sign of other serious antisocial or violent behavior, which can lead to future problems in school and with the law. One study found that males who were identified as bullies in middle school were 4 times as likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24.

16. Talk with the moms and dads of your youngster’s peers about bullying. Discuss your concerns and what you can do together to change the behavior of your youngster.

17. Talk with your youngster about who his friends are and what they do together. Peers can be very influential. If your youngster is hanging around with children who bully and encourage bullying behavior, you may want talk with him about getting involved in activities that will help him make new friends.

18. Reinforce kind, compassionate behavior. Teach empathy and provide opportunities for cooperation (e.g., have your youngster care for a pet, enroll him in meaningful activities that cultivate talents and interests while fostering cooperation and friendship).

Yes, your youngster could be a bully. You want to prepare him for the real world – not protect him from it. Bailing your youngster out from consequences now can lead to you needing to bail him out of jail in the future. He must be held accountable for his actions; otherwise, you as a parent will have much bigger fish to fry later.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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