HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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How To Set Effective Boundaries With Defiant Teens

As a youngster grows into an adolescent, parents often discover that their usual disciplinary methods are no longer effective. Many parents come to realize that they are no longer “in charge” – and that positive change needs to happen soon as their teenager is seemingly on a course of self-destruction.

When old disciplinary techniques no longer work, the parent may be tempted to try and be her teen's “friend” in a last ditch effort to maintain the peace. But, even when teens are rebelling, they still need the parent to be the parent (not a “buddy”) and let them know what the rules and boundaries are. Adolescents need to figure out what being a young adult means for them, and this will inevitably lead to some clashes with the parent.

If the parent’s way of setting boundaries used to be to “lay down the law” with her children (e.g., to insist, “Because I said so!”), she may find it more difficult now with her teenagers. It's much easier to exert pressure on youngsters who look up to the parent than it is over adolescents who are seeking their autonomy. Younger kids have a vested interest in maintaining the security that comes from them feeling that the parent knows best. Adolescents are not like that!

One of the major tasks of adolescence is to learn to “take control” and to decide what is right and wrong. One of the first things adolescents may discover is that the sanctions that the parent can impose are not that powerful. Teens may be the parent’s size – or bigger. What keeps teenagers in the house when they're grounded is mutual consent and mutual respect – not pressure tactics from the parent.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The only thing that might (emphasis on “might”) make teens do what the parent says is the thought of what it may do to the parent-child relationship afterwards if they defy the parent. But if the relationship is already going downhill, and if the sense of defiance is greater than the need for parental approval, then the “parent-child relationship” takes a back seat (in the mind of the teenager).

So what can parents do in this situation? While boundaries are important, parents will find that it's much more effective to enforce them by considering the various needs being expressed when they clash with their teenager. This may mean swallowing their pride and need to be in control. A younger kid needs parental approval. An adolescent wants parental approval too, but he or she wants “respect” even more!

The physical, mental, emotional and social changes that happen to an adolescent can have a profound effect on the entire family. As the mom or dad, it may feel important to keep things the same (e.g., the parent being the one giving the orders). But at a time when adolescents are developing and looking to a new self, having the parent give the orders and trying to put the brakes on the change often provokes even more rebellion than they might have shown anyway. Thus, when adolescents defy the parent, she will do well to reach for a new way of exerting discipline. 

Discipline is something parents do to help their teens learn (the original meaning of the word is “to teach”). The best way to get adolescents to behave in ways that please the parent is to help them understand what they actually want and need, and to see how they can get those needs met in ways that don’t disrespect the parent.

Parental punishment and control is not what adolescents need when struggling with their conflicting emotions. When adolescents act up, they are often fighting to get parental attention, acceptance and appreciation – as well as independence. The parent can help her teens by talking openly about the changes they are going through, helping them express their feelings, giving them plenty of time and attention, as well as providing love, reassurance and support.

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed together with adolescents. When adolescents understand the reasons behind the parent’s decision, and see that she has taken their opinions into account, they may be more motivated to co-operate.

Boundaries help the parent to keep her children safe. But as they get older, the parent will need to negotiate and let them take more responsibility for their own safety. There may be times when the parent’s values conflict with the values that her teens are learning from other people and the media. This may be when she finds herself negotiating.

The parent should talk to her adolescents and let them know what is important to her and why, then give them a chance to respond – and really listen to what they have to say. When the parent is genuinely willing to compromise, she may find that the conversation is much more effective, as her adolescents gain a sense of responsibility. Parents need to figure out what is really important, and what could be let go of. Too many rules cause resentment and are impossible to maintain. Thus, striking a balance and being prepared to re-negotiate is crucial to the success of raising teenagers.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Your Teen To Be Less Oppositional

During adolescence, young people are busy trying to make sense of the physical changes happening to them, changes in their feelings, sexual attraction, and the desire to be in control. Just like other feelings, some oppositional behavior is perfectly normal for teenagers – after all, it’s one of the main ways that assert their independence. However, oppositional behavior can be hurtful and destructive when taken to an extreme.

Just like physical pain, oppositional behavior itself can have an important function to tell the teenager that what is happening is not acceptable and that something needs to change. Having a strong desire to rebel against parents can be an early warning sign that important needs are not being met. For teens, oppositional behavior is a push towards making changes, a way of showing parents how they feel, and what they need to happen.

Often times, adolescents push their parents too far, and the resulting arguments and conflict seem like childish temper tantrums. When teenagers have strong feelings, they are not able to think straight or listen to reason. They get flooded with feelings. What they need is to express their feelings safely and to calm down enough to sort out the problem.

Your adolescent's oppositional behavior will often be directed at you, and she may want you to listen to her and do something. But, sometimes she is upset and angry about issues which have little to do with you. The problem could have been started by an argument she is having with a peer at school, and she may think you are interfering. Listen and take responsibility for things your teen may want differently from you, but don't get angry back. Don’t let her oppositional behavior become your oppositional behavior (e.g., engaging in a war-of-wills or power struggles), as strong feelings can be infectious.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Make it your starting point to understand your teen rather than having a need to win the argument or make him behave. Listen to the tune – not the words. So for example, instead of hearing, “I hate you! Why don't you leave me the F*** alone?” …you hear, “I'm really hurting right now. I'm trying to manage on my own, and it feels like you don't love me or trust me!”

By trying to understand what is really going on beneath what your teenager is saying, you can help her work out what she is really feeling – and what it is she needs. Just the act of listening helps to lower strong emotions and can bring her back into balance. It can also help to name what you think your teen could be feeling (e.g., in the face of oppositional behavior, you can say something like, “You sound really upset about something” …or “It sounds as if you're feeling afraid”). By naming the feeling, you can help your adolescent work out what she wants or needs.

Understanding your adolescent's feelings and needs and why he acts the way he does is not the same as condoning or accepting some behavior. Once you have calmed your teenager down by listening and restoring the thinking/feeling balance, you can then set limits on his behavior while helping him find ways to solve his problem (e.g., you could say something like, “I'd like you to find a way of dealing with this issue without yelling at me and throwing things. What do you think would help?”).

The bottom line is this: In the face of oppositional behavior, you need to let the initial flush of “hot” feelings cool down. Then when calm is restored, be sure to acknowledge the painful and strong feelings your adolescent has been experiencing. Help her work out how she was feeling, what she needed, what she can do to express such feelings more appropriately in the future, and get what she needs without displaying hostile, oppositional behavior. Sometimes, simply recognizing and accepting your teen’s feelings and needs is enough. Other times, you may need to help her work out what she is going to do. “Moving on” may mean having to accept there is nothing she can do to change a situation, but she can always change how she acts or feels about it.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen Gets Arrested

If your adolescent is in trouble with the law (e.g., for possession of drugs, public intoxication, theft, etc.), then it is understandable that you feel panic-stricken. You are probably very unsure of what’s to come in terms of legal ramifications – and your teen’s future. Things will be different now for both you and your adolescent. 

Below you will find some important information that will help you to understand – and deal effectively with – this situation. Being well-informed should alleviate some of the stress you’re feeling as the mother or father of a teenager in legal trouble:

1. First of all, make sure your adolescent is safe. Is he jail? Is he in a safe jail? Some communities have safe jails, other communities don’t! If it is safe, you should leave him in jail for the night to teach him a valuable lesson. If he is unsafe, get him out as soon as possible.

2. Don't hire an attorney for the small stuff (e.g., truancy, curfew violation). If it is a minor issue, there’s no need to pay good money for an attorney. Also, most juvenile courts provide a public defender.

3. If you feel that you should hire an attorney, but can’t afford one, there are some options. Most attorneys offer free consultations, and if you do enough research beforehand and ask the right questions, you could be able to prepare yourself to the point where you do not need to actually hire the attorney. You also have the option of being represented by a public defender (although these attorneys are often unable to give your case as much time or personal attention as a private attorney).

4. Throughout the legal process, it is important that you keep things in perspective and resist the urge to panic. Remember that your adolescent is still a minor, and as such, the penalties she will receive are likely to be far less severe than if she were charged as a grown-up. Thus, this incident probably doesn’t have the ability to ruin her future. Even though this is a disturbing situation, simply remind yourself that this is not the worst that could happen and that your family will pull through. It’s definitely not the end of the world.

5. Don't lecture or yell at your adolescent as added punishment. He’s already received a consequence (i.e., getting arrested). This problem is your adolescent's problem, not yours. Let him take responsibility for his own mistake.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Regardless of the crime your adolescent allegedly committed, it is important that you take the issue seriously. All crimes, no matter how small, have the potential to wreak havoc on the family. Also, teens who begin to commit a series of “small crimes” now often graduate to larger crimes later.

7. Find out what actually happened. Get your adolescent to tell you the whole story, and base your actions based on the severity of the crime.

8. Stay objective and calm. Finally someone else is reprimanding your adolescent (e.g., police officer, probation officer, judge). This is a good learning experience for an out-of-control adolescent. You have every right to be worried, but don’t allow your emotions to cloud your judgment. You’re probably feeling hurt and disappointed – and that’s all completely understandable. But it’s important that you keep your head together for the sake of your teenager. At all times, remain calm and collected in order to protect your adolescent’s rights and to be the mom or dad she needs you to be.  You have every right to be disappointed, but don’t allow that disappointment to prevent you from helping your adolescent right her wrongs.

9. Your adolescent’s juvenile criminal record will be hidden from public view once he reaches adulthood, but that doesn’t mean that your problems as a parent are over with. While first offenses are often not punished very harshly, the legal system makes up for this leniency by punishing repeat offenders much more severely.  Also, juvenile offenders are more likely to become adult offenders if their underlying issues (e.g., emotional, psychological, family-related, etc.) are not addressed. Thus, be sure to provide your adolescent with the care, counseling, or discipline he needs as soon as possible. If you don’t, the law breaking habit could stay with him into adulthood, where it will carry much stiffer penalties.

10. When your teenager has been arrested, be sure that she receives fair treatment throughout the legal process – no matter what she has been arrested for. A juvenile offender has rights too!

Brief Summary of the Juvenile Justice System—
  • A juvenile case gets started when a prosecutor or probation officer files a civil petition, charging the teen with violating a criminal statute and asking that the court determine that the teen is delinquent. If the charges are proved and a delinquency determination is made, the adolescent offender comes under the court’s broad powers. At that point, the juvenile court has the authority to do what it considers to be in the best interest of the teen.
  • Each state has special courts called juvenile courts to deal with teens who have been accused of violating a criminal statute. The proceedings are civil as opposed to criminal. So, instead of being formally charged with a crime, teenage offenders are accused of committing a delinquent act.
  • Juvenile courts have a broad range of sentencing options called "disposition orders" if they find that a teenager is delinquent. Courts can reprimand the young person in a variety of ways (e.g., incarceration in a traditional juvenile detention facility, house arrest, community service, etc.). More importantly, juvenile courts can order a whole range of consequences that do not involve confinement (e.g., counseling, curfews, probation, etc.). 
  • Juvenile delinquency cases involve teens who have committed crimes (i.e., if the crime had been committed by an adult, the matter would be tried in regular criminal court). But the procedures in juvenile court differ significantly from those in adult criminal court. Many juvenile cases involve “status offenses.” A status offense is a “violation” (rather than a “crime”) that only applies to minors (e.g., truancy, curfew violations, running away, underage drinking). 
  • Law enforcement agencies refer approximately two-thirds of all arrested teens to a court with juvenile jurisdiction for further processing. The court may decide to divert some teens away from the formal justice system to other agencies for service. Prosecutors may file some juvenile cases directly in criminal court. 
  • Most states consider kids under the age of 7 to be incapable of determining the difference between right and wrong. So, young people under the age of 7 are usually excused from responsibility for acts they commit. Instead, moms and dads may have to pay compensation to anyone victimized by the acts of their youngster. 
  • Most states regard young people 14 and older as capable of forming criminal intent, so the majority of cases involving teens from 14 to 18 years of age are adjudicated in juvenile court. In certain circumstances, a juvenile can be tried in adult criminal court. 
  • Roughly 50% of all juvenile arrests are made for theft, simple assault, drug abuse, disorderly conduct, and curfew violations.
  • Some juvenile cases are transferred to adult court in a procedure called a "waiver." Typically, juvenile cases that are subject to waiver involve serious offenses (e.g., rape, murder) or teens who have been in trouble before. Juvenile offenders have a right to a hearing to determine if their case should be transferred to adult court. 
  • To be eligible for juvenile court, a teen must be a considered a "juvenile" under state law. In most states, the maximum age for using juvenile court is 18. In a few states, the age is 16 or 17 (in Wyoming, the maximum age is set at 19).
  • When a teen is suspected of violating a criminal statute, the procedures are much different from those used in adult criminal court. Police, prosecutors, intake officials and judges all have broad discretion to take more informal steps in handling the case. As a result, many teenage offenders never reach the point of a formal adjudicatory hearing. Similarly, the constitutional rights of teens are different from those of grown-ups who have been accused of committing a crime (e.g., although teenage offenders have the right to an attorney at an adjudicatory hearing, in most states they do not have the right to have their case heard by a jury).

No mother or father wants to think about the day that phone call may come – the one telling parents that their adolescent has been arrested. The days and weeks that follow can be complicated and worrisome as you and your adolescent have to face the consequences. Finding ways to cope with this difficult situation is critical to your child’s long-term, law-abiding behavior.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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