Grounding Teens "From" Their Bedroom

"My situation is this... We live in rural small town USA. My son does not have even one neighborhood friend that he hangs out with. He comes home everyday from school, eats a bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya. Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from) ...since our ipod ordeal last Saturday, he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn. I even told him on Wed. that if he wanted his cell phone back, all he had to do is say "please". No response. He won't crack. I've tried talking to him in his room ...he tells me "get out!!" He doesn't even look me in the face. My sister says he needs an "exorcism". I'm not entirely sure she is wrong. HELP ME!! PLEASE."

You can always find leverage (i.e., some privilege or material item to withhold as a consequence).

I currently have a parent in my parent group whose situation is similar to yours. She said, "My son doesn't go anywhere or do anything -- I've got nothing to take away, and there's no sense in grounding him because he's a home-body."

I asked what he does with his time. She said he just goes to his room and naps. Ahhhhh! Then she really does have something she can use as a bargaining tool. Coming home and napping is a privilege -- not a right. She doesn't run a flop-house.

Anyway, now she sees to it that her son does not have access to his room whenever he needs a consequence -- that's right -- she took away his room. Get it?

My recommendation would be to ground your son FROM his room -- not TO his room -- for one 24-hour day (with the exception being that he can sleep in there at night). The 24-hour discipline does not start until he calms down (if he is having a temper tantrum). If he mistreats anyone during that 24-hour period, merely re-start the 24 hours.

I know this will be difficult, but you can do it. I've got faith in you.

"Thanks for the prompt reply... Yeah I get it...sounds so easy...UGH! I guess, in reality, I am afraid of the confrontation with him. He really has me over a barrel, and he definitely knows it. I am afraid of him, plain and simple. He and I had an argument about a year ago that went radically wrong and he broke my hand. And his dad is not a lot of help...he either does nothing or flies off the hook and there is a physical altercation. D___ stands right up to everyone. In the past, when I say "time out", he just sits there and defies me. He is really good at defiance. I know I sound whimpy and difficult...I’m sorry."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Frequently Tells Mom "I Hate You"

"I know there are lots of changes going on and my daughter is going to react, but I need some support on another issue. She asked this morning if her friend could come over after school (chores had been done) so I said yes, but asked her to please call me and let me know if her friend was coming or not this afternoon (it was kinda up in the air awaiting approval from the other child's parents). My daughter called, as I requested, but left a vm on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?"

When your daughter says, “I hate you,” what she means is “I hate some of the things you say and do.”

Your daughter obviously knows that she can get a reaction out of you when she pushes your “I hate you” button (which is, in reality, a “rejection” button). Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case, I would totally ignore it.

Here’s why:

As long as she knows you will react strongly to her sarcasm, she will continue to use it as a way to get your energy and intensity. If you ignore her sarcasm (i.e., “act as if” it doesn’t bother you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.

If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Ran Away and Moved In with 21-year-old Boyfriend

Hi Sad Mom,

Several points:

When she tells people she was kicked-out, she is attempting to garner their sympathy. I’m guessing she has done a great job of pulling this one over on you too. Do you feel guilty? Do you occasionally – or frequently – feel sorry for her? Do you “beat up on herself” sometimes because of the mother-daughter conflict? If so, then she has successfully manipulated your emotions. If she is like the other juveniles I work with, she is an expert manipulator. This doesn’t make her a “bad kid,” she’s just a good ‘con artist’ (which is a strength or a weakness depending on how she uses it).

You said that your daughter “acts like she could care less if she ever sees” you. The operative word here is “acts.” I’m sure she is “acting” like she doesn’t care. This too is a manipulation that apparently you have fallen for. She DOES care; she’s just attempting to push your “abandonment” buttons (i.e., she wants you to feel bad/rejected because she’s mad).

You SHOULD “distant yourself” from her. And she should distant herself from you. I’m talking about ‘healthy detachment’ here. This is O.K. This is a good thing, because she needs to separate in order to grow. I know this is painful for you at some level, but when she feels fully emancipated, she’ll be done with the business of trying to make you feel miserable. There is light at the end of this tunnel whether you see it or not.

I would let some time go by before you contact your daughter again (maybe a month). You really have only one job now, and that is to ‘check-in’ with her every month or two to say, “I was thinking about you …how are things going.” And it doesn’t matter how she responds. Let me repeat this: It doesn’t matter how she responds.

With occasional “check-ins,” you will be sending a clear verbal message that (a) you will not be manipulated into feeling sorry for her, (b) you will not allow her to push your guilt or anger or rejection buttons, and (c) you have not returned the disfavor by rejecting/abandoning her.

Hang in there …you are doing fine in spite of your opinion about the present circumstances.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> More help: MyOutOfControlTeen.com