HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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Parent-Management Training for Parents of Oppositional Kids and Teens

By the time they are school aged, kids with patterns of oppositional behavior tend to express their defiance with peers, teachers, and other adults. As these children progress in school, they also experience increasing peer rejection due to their poor social skills and aggression.

Young people who are naturally oppositional are more likely to misinterpret their peers' behavior as hostile, yet they lack the skills to solve social conflicts. In problem situations, they are more likely to resort to aggressive physical actions rather than verbal responses.

In addition, children who are defiant and have poor social skills often do not recognize their role in peer conflicts. They blame their peers (e.g., "He made me hit him"), and usually fail to take responsibility for their own actions.

The following 3 classes of behavior are hallmarks of both oppositional and conduct problems:
  • emotional overreaction to life events (no matter how small)
  • failure to take responsibility for one's own actions
  • noncompliance with commands

When behavioral difficulties are present beginning in the preschool period, parents and teachers may overlook significant problems in the youngster's learning and academic performance. When kids with behavioral problems and academic problems are placed in the same classroom, the risk for continued behavioral and academic problems increases.

Oppositional behavior may escalate and result in serious antisocial actions that, when sufficiently frequent and severe, become criteria to change the diagnosis to Conduct Disorder. Milder forms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in some kids spontaneously diminish over time.

More severe forms of ODD, in which many symptoms are present in the toddler years and continually worsen after the youngster is aged 5, may evolve into Conduct Disorder in older kids and teens.

Parent-Management Training (PET) is recommended for parents of kids with ODD because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the defiant kids and their parents. PET consists of procedures in which parents are trained to change their own behaviors, and thereby alter their youngster's problem behavior in the home.

These patterns develop when moms and dads unintentionally reinforce defiant behaviors in a youngster by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents (who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests) usually fail to provide positive attention.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly due to the parent’s use of:
  • repeated and ineffective comments
  • emotionally-charged demands 
  • ineffective harsh punishments
  • insufficient positive attention
  • poor modeling of appropriate behaviors

PET alters the pattern by encouraging the mother and father to pay attention to prosocial behavior and to use effective, brief, non-aversive discipline methods. It’s important to identify the youngster's positive behaviors and to reinforce these behaviors – and to use brief negative consequences for misbehavior.

==> More information can be found here

Dealing with Resentment Toward Your "Hateful" Teenager

"Assignment #1 in your program requires me to tell my daughter that I love her. I used to do this every day, but can't do it now because it's no longer true. I can't stand her. She is so rude and hateful to me. If I can't do this, is it worth me going on with the rest of the exercises – you said 'no half measures'?"

What we’re talking about here is resentment. This is not uncommon (i.e., parents not liking their out-of-control, disrespectful teenagers). In fact, I often had parents tell me (in my former roll as a probation officer) that they simply want their kid out of the house (e.g., “Just get him out. I don't want him living here anymore …take him and lock him up!”).

I don’t think you hate your daughter – I think you hate her behavior. In any event, if you cannot bring yourself to say to your daughter “I love you,” it is not going make much difference in your ability to effectively work the program. The larger issue here is resentment, which WILL get in the way of successfully working the program. You’ll need to work on that, and the best time is now!

Resentment will make it nearly impossible to stay objective throughout the four-week program. And without objectivity, you run the risk of getting emotionally tangled-up in the day-to-day conflict that must be weathered with a poker face. Forgiveness is the cure for resentment. Let’s talk about that for a minute...

Forgiveness:
  • is a way to let go of resentment
  • means letting go of the past
  • is for you, not your "hateful" daughter
  • is a gift you give yourself
  • lets you get on with your life
  • takes time (maybe you’re not able to forgive yet; perhaps the pain is too fresh - you don’t have to hurry)
  • is a process (it doesn’t happen 100% overnight)
  • allows you to feel better about you
  • is a choice (it’s not something you do because you “should” forgive, or because someone tells you to)
  • allows you to heal old wounds so you can get on with the really important things in life
  • gets you un-stuck

Forgiveness does NOT mean:
  • forgetting (you need to remember what happened so you can protect your mental health in the future)
  • you’re letting anyone off the hook (except yourself)
  • you have to tell your daughter that you have forgiven her
  • you have to trust her again (trust is earned; she will have to earn your trust back before you can trust her again)
  • you’re saying to your child, “What you do and say to me is O.K."
  • you’re trying to alleviate her feelings of guilt
  • you’re trying to make her feel better about herself
  • you’re trying to make her feel better about you

Forgive your daughter - not because she deserves it, but because you deserve to be set free from that emotional pain! You may need to forgive yourself too. Sometimes we can’t forgive others until we forgive ourselves. I offer you the following exercise in forgiveness. With your hand on your heart, take a deep breath and affirm:

“I completely forgive my daughter. I know I have done the best I could given the circumstances. If I had been in a different state of mind, or if I had more information when my child started acting out, I probably would have parented her differently. I ask God to help me reach the place of forgiveness for myself and for my child. I love and accept myself with all of my problems and perceived limitations. I am letting go of resentment. I am now able to replace it with forgiveness and hope.”



 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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