How To Say “No” Without Having An Argument

According to parenting experts, the average youngster hears the word “no” an astonishing 400 times a week. That's not only tiresome for you, but it can also be harmful to your son or daughter.

According to studies, children who hear “no” too often have poorer language skills than kids whose moms and dads offer more positive feedback. Also, saying “no” can become ineffective when it's overused (a little like crying wolf). Some children simply start to ignore the word, while others slip into a rage the minute that dreaded syllable crosses your lips.

So what's a parent to do — let her kids run amok without any limits? Well, no! Parents can break out of the “yes-no tug-of-war” by coming up with new ways to set limits.

Here are 20 positive ways to answer your child in the negative:

1. Adjust your use of the word "no" over time. For example, in the first year of life, the word "no" is usually reserved for warning your youngster of dangers he encounters (e.g., a hot stove). Preschoolers might hear "no" regarding their negative social interactions. Older kids and teens hear "no" in response to their material requests. Temper your use of the word "no" as your youngster's skills and independence grows.

2. Are You a Parent Who Can't Say No? In their zeal to give their kids everything they need, some parents risk giving their kids everything they want. Parents who practice attachment parenting risk becoming totally "yes" parents, with "no" being foreign to their parenting style. It is important for the parent to feel comfortable saying 'no' to the child from the very beginning.

3. Avoid Set-ups. For example, if you're taking your youngster along with you to a toy store to buy a birthday present for his friend, realize that you are setting yourself up for a confrontation. Your youngster is likely to want to buy everything in the store. To avoid the inevitable "No, you can't have that toy," before you go into the store, tell him that you are there to buy a birthday present and not a toy for him so that he is programmed not to expect a toy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Create Alternatives To The N-Word. Constantly saying "no" causes this word to lose its punch. Since stop sounds are used mainly to protect, try using more specific words that fit the situation. Consider this example: When a child is about to reach into the cat litter box, your first reaction is to say "no," but follow it up with an explanation: "Dirty! Make you sick." Next time the youngster goes for the litter box (and he will do it again), instead of "no," say "Dirty! Make you sick." That (and a disgusted expression on your face) will help the youngster learn the “why” as well as the “what” of good behavior, and the litter box will lose its attraction.

5. Distinguish between reasonable requests and unreasonable requests. Seasoned moms and dads often advise new parents to "choose your battles." You and your spouse should decide what requests are reasonable. If your 5-year-old yearns to jump in puddles every day, perhaps he could be indulged now and then if you have time for a quick clean up before dinner.

6. Encourage your children to think about others. The next time your children ask for new clothes, start by asking them to take inventory of what they already have. If they have outgrown a lot of their clothes, use the opportunity to teach them about donating their old clothes to others in need. If your kids want a big birthday party but you don't think they need all those gifts, encourage them to ask guests to bring money to donate to a charitable organization or a book that could be exchanged at the party (so everyone gets a gift). Or you could just write "no gifts" on the invitation and explain to your youngster that some families might not have extra money in their budgets for gifts.

7. Explain why you're saying “no” in terms children can understand. The slave labor excuse might resonate with a 10-year-old, but it won't work on a 4-year-old. You'll just get a blank stare then more pleading. That's why your response has to be age appropriate -- and simple. If you have young kids and want to prevent in-store meltdowns, set limits before you go shopping and tell them what the consequences are for disobeying. "You can pick out one thing" or "We're just getting a few things at the grocery today, so please don't ask for anything."

8. Give Positive Substitutes. Present a positive with your negative: "You can't have the knife, but you can have the ball." Use a convincing expression to market the "can do" in order to soften the "can't do." "You can't go across the street," you say with a matter-of-fact tone of voice; then carefully state, "You can help Mommy sweep the sidewalk." There is a bit of creative marketing in every parent.

9. Master "The Look". You can often correct a youngster without saying a word. Master disciplinarians use a look of disapproval that stops the behavior, but preserves the youngster's self-image. Your youngster should understand that you disapprove of the behavior, not him or her. To be certain you strike the right note in disapproval discipline, follow the look with a hug, a smile, or a forthright explanation, "I don't like what you did, but I like you."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Personalize "No". Rather than giving a dictatorial "no," add your youngster's name (e.g., “no Michael”). If you tend to shout, a personalized address at least softens the sound and respects the listener. Some moms and dads confuse respecting the youngster with granting him equal power, but this is not a power issue. The person with the power should respect the person taken charge of. That consideration holds true in parenting; it holds true in other relationships as well.

11. Prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of "no." Saying "no" is important for a youngster's development, and for establishing his identity as an individual. This is not defiance or a rejection of your authority. Some moms and dads feel they cannot tolerate any "no's" at all from their kids, thinking that to permit this would undermine their authority. They wind up curtailing an important process of self-emergence. Kids have to experiment with where their parent leaves off and where they begin. Moms and dads can learn to respect individual wishes and still stay in charge and maintain limits.

12. Reinforce your values by saying "no" with a calm demeanor. If you become shrill (and what parent doesn't at one time or another?) you risk alienating your youngster, as she rolls her eyes and discounts your reasoning. Saying "no" one time, firmly and with conviction will become increasingly effective over time.

13. Remember to listen to your youngster and validate his feelings. Although we as moms and dads are not obligated to explain every refusal to our kids, sometimes we need to open up the lines of communication by hearing the youngster's side of the argument, even when we know the answer will still be "No!"

14. Rephrase your youngster's question into a sentence. If he says, "Do I have to go to bed?" You can say, "I know you don't want to go to bed, but it is bedtime and we have to wake up early." Again, acknowledge their request, because all children want is to be heard.

15. Say, "Yes, but you'll have to use your money." Children don't have a problem spending your money. But if they have to pony up their own cash, they might back off with their requests. Plus, making children pay -- or at least chip in -- for things they want teaches them a good lesson about making choices.

16. State the facts simply. So if your youngster asks you to stay longer at his friend's house, instead of saying “no,” try saying, “We have to go now. But next time, we can stay longer.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

17. Substitute a choice if you feel that all you ever say to your youngster is "no." If your son asks to watch a movie you have decided is too mature, instead of saying, "No!" you could respond, "We can watch a movie, and the movies you can choose from are X, Y and Z."

18. Teach Stop Sounds. Often a change in your mood or body language is not enough to redirect impulsive actions. Words are needed. Kids soon learn which discipline words carry more power and demand a quicker response than others. And kids soon learn which tone of voice means business and which allows for some latitude. Arm yourself with a variety of "stop-what-you're-doing" sounds so that you can choose one that fits the occasion. Tailor the intensity of the sound to the gravity of the behavior. Save the really big sounds for true danger.

19. Use the word "no" consistently for maximum impact. If your teenage daughter knows you will cave in and extend her curfew after 20 minutes of begging, she has learned that "no" does not really mean "no." Consistency is important across all age levels. When You Say It, Mean It. Follow through on your directives.

20. What If Your Youngster Won't Accept No? Kids, especially those with a strong will, try to wear moms and dads down. They are convinced they must have something or their world can't go on. They pester and badger until you say "yes" just to stop the wear and tear on your nerves. This is faulty discipline. If however, your youngster's request seems reasonable after careful listening, be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you may find it wise to change your mind after saying "no". While you want your youngster to believe your "no" means no, you also want your youngster to feel you are approachable and flexible. It helps to hold your "no" until you've heard your youngster out. If you sense your youngster is uncharacteristically crushed or angry at your "no," listen to her side. Maybe she has a point you hadn't considered or her request is a bigger deal to her than you imagined. Be open to reversing your decision, if warranted. Make sure, though, that she realizes it was not her "wear down" tactics that got the reversal of your decision.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Employ "Scream-Free" Parenting

Why should parents stop screaming at their kids – in all cases – effective immediately? Here are 4 important reasons why:

1. With parental screaming, your children will learn that they never really have to change their behavior, because screaming is not much of a consequence. Instead, they will just listen to the yelling and do whatever they want to do anyway. And eventually, they will simply tune you out completely.
2. When yelling becomes your usual method of dealing with problems, your kids are also apt to think that it is okay for them to scream a lot. You’re teaching your children that yelling is an appropriate response when one is angry or stressed.
3. Screaming teaches that life, in general, is often out-of-control.
4. Screaming actually empowers your children (but in a bad way), because it gives them the message that you are not in control …and if you are not in control, they assume that they are the ones in charge.

If you find yourself yelling at your youngster too often, it’s not going to be easy to stop (at least not right away). Learning how to change the way you communicate with your youngster takes practice. You may need a different disciplinary technique, because your children are going to push your buttons to try and get you to lose control (which is what they have been doing for a long time now). But you can learn to stay in control and communicate with them effectively.

Here are 20 techniques that will help you get the behavioral results that you want from your kids without screaming at them:

1. After an outburst, even a minor one, immediately ask, "OK, what could I have done to avoid the frustration?" This is a better question to ponder than, "OK, what could I have done to avoid yelling." Accepting that frustration is likely to lead to a conflict helps treat the cause instead of the symptoms. Now, each outburst, instead of being a failure and an opportunity for guilt, can be an opportunity to learn and add to your parenting arsenal.

2. Because screaming often makes a youngster feel badly about himself, he will often lash back in order to protect himself, and then become revengeful. He may, out of fear and sadness, stop the behavior for a short period of time, however the anger and humiliation he felt will build-up …and soon enough, he will lash out. A good example here is when moms and dads think screaming works when their kids are small, but are shocked when they experience severe disobedience when their kids become teenagers.

3. Count to 10 while really disengaging yourself from the situation. Walk away, go into a different room, and do a different activity. Even if you don’t have a clue what’s triggering your frustration, if you know that you are over-reacting, then you can try disengaging.

4. Find a word or phrase to distract yourself from yelling and remind yourself that your youngster isn't trying to drive you nuts -- he's just doing what kids do. "He's only 3, he's only 3," is one example. Repeat it to yourself several times when you feel like you're about to explode.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

5. Find ways to accomplish stressful tasks without your kids in tow. If all of you “lose it” in the grocery store, shop for groceries online after they're in bed -- or even head out to the store after 9:00 PM, when it's empty and you can shop quickly and efficiently.

6. For some, screaming offers a form of physical release. Jogging in place or doing a jumping jack or two can distract you and give you the outlet you need when you feel like yelling. You probably won't want to do this in public, of course, but at home anything goes. Who knows? You may lose a few pounds!

7. Give yourself some time to transition when you come home. Take 10 minutes to get into some comfortable clothes, gather your thoughts, and then come out of your room and talk to your children. They’ll act like they can’t wait 10 minutes at first, but they’ll get used to it …they’ll learn to give you your space eventually.

8. If you get too upset by the situation to maintain control, you are also too upset to figure-out and set long-range consequences for the children. Learn to handle the conflict first - then you get to teach them with a consequence. And if it takes a few iterations before you get the hang of it - fine. When you have successfully handled the problem with patience and kindness, you will usually discover that consequences are simply unnecessary. And on the rare occasion where they are, they should be preceded by long conversations filled with lessons before a consequence should be agreed upon.

9. If you’re caught in a yelling match with your child, it’s always okay to stop at any point. No matter if the fight is just beginning, if you’re deep into it, or it’s been going on for 15 minutes, you can give yourself permission to stop and step away from the situation. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.

10. If you’re trying to get more control and would like to stop yelling, talk to your spouse or your friends, and really acknowledge all of it. There’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about—all parents scream from time to time. Your spouse might have some insights or some ideas of what you can do. Maybe he/she can even step in and help out next time when you start to lose it. He/she also might notice what some of your triggers are that you haven’t noticed yourself.

11. If you’ve had a bad day, then after the kids are in bed, take a long hot bath in Epsom salts and have a small glass of wine …works for me :)

12. It is perfectly O.K. to wait ten minutes—or even wait until the next day—to come back and talk with your youngster about her inappropriate behavior. Often times, parent-child conflict is truly not that urgent. Most of us yell about things that are minor if you really think about it. The problem might feel urgent at the time, but that’s only because of whatever we bring to the situation—not usually because of our kid’s behavior.

13. Lower your expectations. If you find yourself screaming at your children all the time, you may simply be expecting too much of them. Acquaint yourself with what's developmentally appropriate and then tweak your actions (e.g., one hour-long trip to the supermarket rather than hours of errands will reduce whining, and by association, yelling).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

14. Once the conflict is over, make sure everyone is ok …that there is no permanent damage. It isn't just for the children - it's to alleviate the sense of failure, to enable you to shake it off and continue instead of wallowing in guilt and self-pity for the rest of the day. Saying "I love you very much even though I was really mad at you" is a great way to stay in good standing with your child after the dust has settled.

15. Taking care of your kids can be exhausting to say the least. And yelling is a definite sign of stress and fatigue, which means you need (and deserve) a break! Have your husband or a trusted babysitter step in for half a day so you can get some much-needed time to rejuvenate.

16. Try whispering. It sounds weird, I know. But if your youngster has to strain to hear you, he's less likely to tune you out. And it's nearly impossible to sound angry (and scary) when you're speaking softly.

17. Use prayer and meditation during times of stress (usually after the dust has settled).

18. Walking away from a screaming match will often stop the fight in its tracks, right then and there. Stepping away—taking that time away from the heat of the situation—helps you as a parent to figure out what your response should be. Sometimes this will mean spending some time away from your youngster and then going back later and dealing with the misbehavior.

19. We all have triggers, and often they’re not very rational. Know what your triggers are and what sets you off (e.g., feet on the couch, backtalk, making a mess in the kitchen, etc.). Teach yourself what you can do when you’re triggered in order to respond more effectively. 90% of the time, the reason parents yell is because they were yelled at as kids. Even though they may have hated being yelled at, it is all they know, and they simply fall into that same pattern during times of stress with their own kids. So, be sure to understand your triggers!

20. When you catch yourself screaming, change the message to expressing your feelings (e.g., "I am so frustrated right now!"). Don’t make the mistake of simply trying to stop yelling (this will only create pressure and tension). The problem is that you've already lost control - you can't put a clamp on it - but you can give it a healthier outlet, both for you and for the kids who will receive the message, "Mom has emotions" instead of "you are bad."

Let's face it: Kids can be as exasperating as they are adorable – and parents are only human. But raising your voice is a losing battle. It doesn't discourage frustrating behavior and ultimately gets everyone more upset than they need to be. And then, of course, there's the guilt – and who needs more of that?

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents