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http://www.family-movie-reviews.com/
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WELCOME! Feel free to post a question in the chat room above. For information regarding psychiatric medication, please address your question to David McLaughlin, MD (Consultant: Psychiatry). For information regarding psychiatric testing, please address your question to Julie Kennedy, Psy.D (Consultant: Clinical Psychology). For all other questions, please address Mark Hutten, M.A. (Counseling Psychology). Someone will respond to your inquiry within 12 to 24 hours.
Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Psychology Today]
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Top Parenting Websites According to Google [in alphabetical order]
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
My 16 year old son never wants to go to get his haircut...
Mark,
I have watched the on-line course and have been following all of your instructions. My 16 year old son never wants to go to get his haircut. I usually let it go, but has been months since the last time it was cut and at that time it wasn’t cut short because he was having a fit about it. Today I told him (with my poker face) that I was taking him to get his hair cut and he said no he wasn’t. I told him that if he chose to ignored my request, that he would choose the consequence of grounding and losing his cell phone for 24 hours. He refused to give me the cell phone. I told him that he was still grounded and that the 24 hours didn’t start until he gave me the phone. He said he wasn’t giving me the phone and then said that he was going out to his friend’s house because he has all summer to be grounded. I told him if he refused to ignore my request for the 24 hour grounding and no cell phone that he would choose to be grounded for 3 days without anything. He walked out the door. My in-laws pay for his cell phone. I called them and told them to cancel the service for the time being. My question is, was that a good thing to do, or should I have waited until he comes home tonight (if he comes home) and let him give me the phone? He is very dependent on that phone to keep in contact with all his friends.
Thanks for all your help up to this point.
V.
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Hi V.,
Re: My question is, was that a good thing to do, or should I have waited until he comes home tonight (if he comes home) and let him give me the phone?
I think you handled this situation just fine, however...
Some parent-child issues fall into the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category. Those would include:
- piercings
- clothes
- haircuts
- messy rooms
- etc.
I'm guessing you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about haircuts (although I'm sure the issue is an important one for you). Many unwanted behaviors, including some that disturb parents, tend to drop out on their own, especially if you don't overreact to them and reinforce them with a great deal of excited attention.
I'm not saying that you absolutely should not fight this haircut battle -- but you may want to consider saving your strength for the more important issues.
Also, please refer to the following post in the Q & A blog on When to Ignore Child Behavior.
Mark
When to Ignore Child Behavior
"Ignoring" behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy -- however, in some cases, it is the best strategy. Thanks to more than 50 years of research, we know how to change kid’s behavior. In brief, you identify the problem-behavior, define its positive opposite (the desirable behavior you want to replace it with), and then make sure that your youngster engages in a lot of reinforced practice of the new behavior until it replaces the unwanted one. Reinforced practice means that you pay as much attention as possible to the positive opposite so that your youngster falls into a pattern: Do the right behavior, get a reward (praise or a token); do the behavior, get a reward. Real life is never as mechanically predictable as that formula makes it sound, and many other factors will bear on your success—including your relationship with your youngster, what behaviors you model in your home, and what influences your youngster is exposed to in other relationships—but, still, we know that reinforced practice usually works. If you handle the details properly, in most cases a relatively brief period of intense attention to the problem, lasting perhaps a few weeks, should be enough to work a permanent change in behavior.
So, yes, you can change your youngster's conduct, but that doesn't mean you always should. When faced with a problem-behavior, first ask yourself, Can I let this go? Sometimes the answer is Hell, no! If your kid likes to spend hours at his window in full-body camo and a Sad Clown mask, tracking the neighbors in the sights of his BB gun, you'll probably want to put a stop to that right now. But a lot of behaviors fall into the lesser category of annoying but not necessarily worth addressing. Ask yourself if changing a behavior will really make a worthwhile difference in your youngster's life and your own.
Many problem-behaviors, including some that disturb moms & dads, tend to drop out on their own, especially if you don't overreact to them and reinforce them with a great deal of excited attention. Take thumb sucking, which is quite common up to age 5. At that point it drops off sharply and continues to decline. Unless the dentist tells you that you need to do something about it right now, you can probably let thumb sucking go. The same principle applies for most stuttering. Approximately 5 percent of all kids stutter, usually at some point between ages 2 and 5. Moms & dads get understandably nervous when their kids stutter, but the vast majority of these kids (approximately 80 percent) stop stuttering on their own by age 6. If stuttering persists past that point or lasts for a period extending more than six months, then it's time to do something about it.
There are a lot more behaviors, running the range from annoying to unacceptable, in this category. Approximately 60 percent of 4- and 5-year-old males can't sit still as long as adults want them to, and approximately 50 percent of 4- and 5-year-old males and females whine to the extent that their moms & dads consider it a significant problem. Both fidgeting and whining tend to decrease on their own with age, especially if you don't reinforce these annoying behaviors by showing your youngster that they're a surefire way to get your (exasperated) attention. Thirty to 40 percent of 10- and 11-year-old males and females lie in a way that their moms & dads identify as a significant problem, but this age seems to be the peak, and the rate of problem lying tends to plummet thereafter and cease to be an issue. By adolescence, more than 50 percent of males and 20 percent to 35 percent of females have engaged in one delinquent behavior—typically theft or vandalism. For most kids, it does not turn into a continuing problem.
Now, we're not saying that you should ignore lying or stealing or some other potentially serious misbehavior just because it will probably drop out on its own in good time. There's an important distinction to be made here between managing behavior and other parental motives and duties. Moms & dads punish for several reasons—to teach right and wrong, to satisfy the demands of justice, to establish their authority—that have little to do with changing behavior. You can't just let vandalism go without consequences, and it's reasonable to refuse to put up with even a lesser offense such as undue whining, but don't confuse punishing misbehavior with taking effective steps to eliminate it. Punishment on its own (that is, not supplemented by reinforced practice of the positive opposite) has been proven again and again to be a fairly weak method for changing behavior. The misbehaviors in question, minor or serious, are more likely to drop out on their own than they are to be eliminated through punishment.
Especially as your youngster gets older, more independent, and more capable of holding her own in a household struggle over behavior, you will need to practice parenting triage—asking, Is it worth drawing the line here? Be especially wary of slippery slopes, falling dominoes, and other common but not necessarily relevant rationales for intervening in your youngster's behavior.
Consider, for example, an adolescent's fantastically messy room, a typical flash point for household conflicts about things that really matter to kids and moms & dads, like autonomy and respect and the rights of the individual in relation to the family. Messiness is a habit, a set of behaviors, so it would not be difficult to define a positive opposite of mess-making, set up a system of rewards for cleaning up, and replace a bad habit with a better one. But let's first ask a basic question: Why focus on the messiness of your youngster's room? There may be good reasons to. It may be that your youngster never has presentable clothes to wear because they pile up dirty on her floor. Or her room could present a real sanitation problem, if there are dirty dishes or discarded food in there. Maybe there aren't enough clean forks in the house because they're all on her floor, in empty TV dinner trays.
These are significant matters that would need to be addressed right away, but what if the problem is not presentable clothing or sanitation or the household fork supply but just sloppiness? You could fix it, probably, but is it really that big a deal?
When you ask yourself, Why focus on it?, you may decide that it's not worth addressing the problem. Or asking Why focus on it? may help you to narrow down the problem to those elements that really do need to be addressed. Some aspects of a sloppy room may really be nonnegotiable: candles and incense near flammable material or rotting food or some other potential biohazard. If the mess is dangerous, if there are consequences for other people in the household, then it's certainly worth addressing. And, guided by your own answer to Why focus on it?, be prepared to trade an inessential for an essential. Let her keep her clothes on the floor if she does her own laundry and cleans up food mess as soon as she makes it.
Moms & dads frequently respond to Why focus on it? by expressing a worry that if they let their youngster be sloppy in her room she will be sloppy everywhere: in her personal appearance, in her schoolwork, in her career. They have fantasies about her getting fired in middle age for having a messy office. But when it comes to messiness, the slippery-slope argument is a fallacy. Having a messy room is an identifiable stage that tends to appear in adolescence and then go away. After the messy interlude of the preteen and teen years, most people return to or rise to some basic standard of neatness—a standard very likely resembling the one you have modeled in your own housekeeping.
So if your adolescent youngster keeps herself reasonably clean and presentable, and if the problem's not so severe that it's causing other problems, consider letting slide the messiness of her room as a stage she's going through. Yes, every mom or dad will always have a story of an adult who's a genuine slob to back up the claim that not everybody recovers from adolescent messiness, but those cases are exceptions. Really, how many adults do you know who have rooms like your kid's? Not many. They grew out of it. So why move heaven and earth—and increase the amount of conflict in the house, and use up energy and goodwill perhaps better reserved for more significant matters—to correct a problem that will almost certainly self-correct?
Of course, moms & dads can have their own real reasons to object to even a little messiness in a youngster's room. It could be that you're a very tidy person, and you just can't abide it. That's a legitimate complaint, but recognize that it's not about any abnormal behavior on the part of your youngster. Be straight about it with her. Tell her that you can't live with such a mess in the house, and that, together, you're going to have to compromise on some middle ground between your standard (no mess ever, anywhere) and hers (let the clothes fall where they may). As you work out the compromise, consider that, especially if the rest of your house is neat, your youngster's messy room is an expression of autonomy and independence, normal for her stage of development. And try to remember that clutter, however much it offends you, may not belong in the same category of urgency as things that can lead to permanent consequences—like those candles right under the curtains.
What if you just ignore a problem-behavior but don't reinforce its positive opposite? Extinction—eliminating an unwanted behavior just by ignoring it—does have the virtue of not reinforcing the problem-behavior by attending to it, but it's not a very effective way to change behavior. The research shows that extinction on its own is likely to fail. And even if extinction works in the long run, the problem-behavior you're ignoring often gets worse before it starts its slow decline, so you'll need to be disciplined and patient.
When the problem-behavior does get worse before it begins to go away—a recognized effect called "extinction burst"—moms & dads often become prematurely convinced that ignoring has failed and switch over to attending to the behavior again, explaining why it's bad, punishing it, yelling, and so on. This attention to the extinction burst unwittingly makes the behavior worse in two ways. First, the mom or dad attended to a more extreme example of the behavior than usual—so, for instance, if you're trying to eliminate tantrums, you've now reinforced tantrums that register on the Richter scale. Second, the mom or dad attended to the behavior after a period of ignoring it, which is called intermittent reinforcement and helps to maintain it. Yes, you can get back on track, but you have now made your task more difficult, and ignoring is more likely than ever to fail.
Let's say you have exercised yogic self-discipline and have successfully ignored an annoying behavior to the point that it begins to go away. As you continue to ignore the behavior and it declines (very slowly), one final nasty surprise lies in wait: Just when you think success is assured, the behavior may return out of the blue, almost as bad as ever. This temporary return, a predictable late spike, makes most moms & dads who get this far decide that they have failed and go back to attending to the behavior, returning them to square one. But the final spontaneous return of the behavior, a last gasp before it disappears for good, would be short-lived if you could tie yourself to the mast and ignore it. In some especially frustrating cases, a forewarned mom or dad does find the strength to ignore even this last onslaught, only to be undermined by a grandparent, spouse, or someone else in the house who feeds the futility by declaring defeat and jumping in to attend to the behavior.
Online Parent Support
So, yes, you can change your youngster's conduct, but that doesn't mean you always should. When faced with a problem-behavior, first ask yourself, Can I let this go? Sometimes the answer is Hell, no! If your kid likes to spend hours at his window in full-body camo and a Sad Clown mask, tracking the neighbors in the sights of his BB gun, you'll probably want to put a stop to that right now. But a lot of behaviors fall into the lesser category of annoying but not necessarily worth addressing. Ask yourself if changing a behavior will really make a worthwhile difference in your youngster's life and your own.
Many problem-behaviors, including some that disturb moms & dads, tend to drop out on their own, especially if you don't overreact to them and reinforce them with a great deal of excited attention. Take thumb sucking, which is quite common up to age 5. At that point it drops off sharply and continues to decline. Unless the dentist tells you that you need to do something about it right now, you can probably let thumb sucking go. The same principle applies for most stuttering. Approximately 5 percent of all kids stutter, usually at some point between ages 2 and 5. Moms & dads get understandably nervous when their kids stutter, but the vast majority of these kids (approximately 80 percent) stop stuttering on their own by age 6. If stuttering persists past that point or lasts for a period extending more than six months, then it's time to do something about it.
There are a lot more behaviors, running the range from annoying to unacceptable, in this category. Approximately 60 percent of 4- and 5-year-old males can't sit still as long as adults want them to, and approximately 50 percent of 4- and 5-year-old males and females whine to the extent that their moms & dads consider it a significant problem. Both fidgeting and whining tend to decrease on their own with age, especially if you don't reinforce these annoying behaviors by showing your youngster that they're a surefire way to get your (exasperated) attention. Thirty to 40 percent of 10- and 11-year-old males and females lie in a way that their moms & dads identify as a significant problem, but this age seems to be the peak, and the rate of problem lying tends to plummet thereafter and cease to be an issue. By adolescence, more than 50 percent of males and 20 percent to 35 percent of females have engaged in one delinquent behavior—typically theft or vandalism. For most kids, it does not turn into a continuing problem.
Now, we're not saying that you should ignore lying or stealing or some other potentially serious misbehavior just because it will probably drop out on its own in good time. There's an important distinction to be made here between managing behavior and other parental motives and duties. Moms & dads punish for several reasons—to teach right and wrong, to satisfy the demands of justice, to establish their authority—that have little to do with changing behavior. You can't just let vandalism go without consequences, and it's reasonable to refuse to put up with even a lesser offense such as undue whining, but don't confuse punishing misbehavior with taking effective steps to eliminate it. Punishment on its own (that is, not supplemented by reinforced practice of the positive opposite) has been proven again and again to be a fairly weak method for changing behavior. The misbehaviors in question, minor or serious, are more likely to drop out on their own than they are to be eliminated through punishment.
Especially as your youngster gets older, more independent, and more capable of holding her own in a household struggle over behavior, you will need to practice parenting triage—asking, Is it worth drawing the line here? Be especially wary of slippery slopes, falling dominoes, and other common but not necessarily relevant rationales for intervening in your youngster's behavior.
Consider, for example, an adolescent's fantastically messy room, a typical flash point for household conflicts about things that really matter to kids and moms & dads, like autonomy and respect and the rights of the individual in relation to the family. Messiness is a habit, a set of behaviors, so it would not be difficult to define a positive opposite of mess-making, set up a system of rewards for cleaning up, and replace a bad habit with a better one. But let's first ask a basic question: Why focus on the messiness of your youngster's room? There may be good reasons to. It may be that your youngster never has presentable clothes to wear because they pile up dirty on her floor. Or her room could present a real sanitation problem, if there are dirty dishes or discarded food in there. Maybe there aren't enough clean forks in the house because they're all on her floor, in empty TV dinner trays.
These are significant matters that would need to be addressed right away, but what if the problem is not presentable clothing or sanitation or the household fork supply but just sloppiness? You could fix it, probably, but is it really that big a deal?
When you ask yourself, Why focus on it?, you may decide that it's not worth addressing the problem. Or asking Why focus on it? may help you to narrow down the problem to those elements that really do need to be addressed. Some aspects of a sloppy room may really be nonnegotiable: candles and incense near flammable material or rotting food or some other potential biohazard. If the mess is dangerous, if there are consequences for other people in the household, then it's certainly worth addressing. And, guided by your own answer to Why focus on it?, be prepared to trade an inessential for an essential. Let her keep her clothes on the floor if she does her own laundry and cleans up food mess as soon as she makes it.
Moms & dads frequently respond to Why focus on it? by expressing a worry that if they let their youngster be sloppy in her room she will be sloppy everywhere: in her personal appearance, in her schoolwork, in her career. They have fantasies about her getting fired in middle age for having a messy office. But when it comes to messiness, the slippery-slope argument is a fallacy. Having a messy room is an identifiable stage that tends to appear in adolescence and then go away. After the messy interlude of the preteen and teen years, most people return to or rise to some basic standard of neatness—a standard very likely resembling the one you have modeled in your own housekeeping.
So if your adolescent youngster keeps herself reasonably clean and presentable, and if the problem's not so severe that it's causing other problems, consider letting slide the messiness of her room as a stage she's going through. Yes, every mom or dad will always have a story of an adult who's a genuine slob to back up the claim that not everybody recovers from adolescent messiness, but those cases are exceptions. Really, how many adults do you know who have rooms like your kid's? Not many. They grew out of it. So why move heaven and earth—and increase the amount of conflict in the house, and use up energy and goodwill perhaps better reserved for more significant matters—to correct a problem that will almost certainly self-correct?
Of course, moms & dads can have their own real reasons to object to even a little messiness in a youngster's room. It could be that you're a very tidy person, and you just can't abide it. That's a legitimate complaint, but recognize that it's not about any abnormal behavior on the part of your youngster. Be straight about it with her. Tell her that you can't live with such a mess in the house, and that, together, you're going to have to compromise on some middle ground between your standard (no mess ever, anywhere) and hers (let the clothes fall where they may). As you work out the compromise, consider that, especially if the rest of your house is neat, your youngster's messy room is an expression of autonomy and independence, normal for her stage of development. And try to remember that clutter, however much it offends you, may not belong in the same category of urgency as things that can lead to permanent consequences—like those candles right under the curtains.
What if you just ignore a problem-behavior but don't reinforce its positive opposite? Extinction—eliminating an unwanted behavior just by ignoring it—does have the virtue of not reinforcing the problem-behavior by attending to it, but it's not a very effective way to change behavior. The research shows that extinction on its own is likely to fail. And even if extinction works in the long run, the problem-behavior you're ignoring often gets worse before it starts its slow decline, so you'll need to be disciplined and patient.
When the problem-behavior does get worse before it begins to go away—a recognized effect called "extinction burst"—moms & dads often become prematurely convinced that ignoring has failed and switch over to attending to the behavior again, explaining why it's bad, punishing it, yelling, and so on. This attention to the extinction burst unwittingly makes the behavior worse in two ways. First, the mom or dad attended to a more extreme example of the behavior than usual—so, for instance, if you're trying to eliminate tantrums, you've now reinforced tantrums that register on the Richter scale. Second, the mom or dad attended to the behavior after a period of ignoring it, which is called intermittent reinforcement and helps to maintain it. Yes, you can get back on track, but you have now made your task more difficult, and ignoring is more likely than ever to fail.
Let's say you have exercised yogic self-discipline and have successfully ignored an annoying behavior to the point that it begins to go away. As you continue to ignore the behavior and it declines (very slowly), one final nasty surprise lies in wait: Just when you think success is assured, the behavior may return out of the blue, almost as bad as ever. This temporary return, a predictable late spike, makes most moms & dads who get this far decide that they have failed and go back to attending to the behavior, returning them to square one. But the final spontaneous return of the behavior, a last gasp before it disappears for good, would be short-lived if you could tie yourself to the mast and ignore it. In some especially frustrating cases, a forewarned mom or dad does find the strength to ignore even this last onslaught, only to be undermined by a grandparent, spouse, or someone else in the house who feeds the futility by declaring defeat and jumping in to attend to the behavior.
Online Parent Support
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Daughter seems to cry all the time...
Our nearly 4-year-old daughter seems to cry all the time. Recently she wept because we were late picking her up and she thought we weren't coming. Once a classmate told her "You are late," so she cried. I used to get annoyed with her crying and would yell, but then I learned that encouragement and patience helped much more. However, with a full-time job I lose patience with her sometimes. We really want her to be more confident, but have no idea of how to do this. Please help. -- C.J.
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First have your doctor examine her to be sure there is nothing physical that is creating her anxiety. It never hurts to be sure that nothing physical is wrong. Many young kids have ear problems that do not actually hurt, but that irritate and stress them out. These ear problems also can affect hearing, which of course affects her language and her understanding of things being said around her. DO check her hearing. Then work on her self-esteem.
Self-esteem and self-confidence is based on two important things:
• Feeling lovable for just being one's self
• Feeling competent or capable.
Moms & dads need to nurture BOTH of these things to improve self-esteem.
For example, you can nurture independence by letting her make simple choices of what to wear (of three things you lay out) or what cereal to get at the store (of three choices). These small things will help her fee capable.
If you are patient and let her dress and undress herself, and if you ask her to help out with simple chores like setting or clearing the table or sorting the clean socks, she will feel valued and competent.
Praise her for just trying to do her best at school, but don't set expectations that are too stressful.
Be sure your praise is meaningful and descriptive. Don't say "good job" repeatedly. Instead tell how you liked something she did or said, and why. For example, "I really liked the way you got dressed and were ready on time. That helps me out a lot when I am busy. Thanks." Or "I liked the way you used those colors in your painting and how you experimented with the paintbrush." Descriptive praise is much more meaningful than "That's really nice."
To nurture the youngster's feelings of being lovable, use descriptive praise that tells her you love her as she is, as a person. You can mention her sensitivity or her ability to be observant, or her sense of humor, or her great hugs. These are things that are part of her personality, and not based on achievements. Feeling lovable for "just being me" is just as important as feeling capable.
Last, talk to her teachers at the school to ask them for help in this effort and for any insight they can provide.
Ask them to bolster her confidence. Tell them exactly what you'll be doing at home to accomplish this, and ask them to do the same.
Online Parent Support
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First have your doctor examine her to be sure there is nothing physical that is creating her anxiety. It never hurts to be sure that nothing physical is wrong. Many young kids have ear problems that do not actually hurt, but that irritate and stress them out. These ear problems also can affect hearing, which of course affects her language and her understanding of things being said around her. DO check her hearing. Then work on her self-esteem.
Self-esteem and self-confidence is based on two important things:
• Feeling lovable for just being one's self
• Feeling competent or capable.
Moms & dads need to nurture BOTH of these things to improve self-esteem.
For example, you can nurture independence by letting her make simple choices of what to wear (of three things you lay out) or what cereal to get at the store (of three choices). These small things will help her fee capable.
If you are patient and let her dress and undress herself, and if you ask her to help out with simple chores like setting or clearing the table or sorting the clean socks, she will feel valued and competent.
Praise her for just trying to do her best at school, but don't set expectations that are too stressful.
Be sure your praise is meaningful and descriptive. Don't say "good job" repeatedly. Instead tell how you liked something she did or said, and why. For example, "I really liked the way you got dressed and were ready on time. That helps me out a lot when I am busy. Thanks." Or "I liked the way you used those colors in your painting and how you experimented with the paintbrush." Descriptive praise is much more meaningful than "That's really nice."
To nurture the youngster's feelings of being lovable, use descriptive praise that tells her you love her as she is, as a person. You can mention her sensitivity or her ability to be observant, or her sense of humor, or her great hugs. These are things that are part of her personality, and not based on achievements. Feeling lovable for "just being me" is just as important as feeling capable.
Last, talk to her teachers at the school to ask them for help in this effort and for any insight they can provide.
Ask them to bolster her confidence. Tell them exactly what you'll be doing at home to accomplish this, and ask them to do the same.
Online Parent Support
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Daughter Refuses To Work
Hi Mark,
My 16 year old has an opportunity to work as a hostess at the restaurant I work at. They would hire her just because she is my daughter. Here's the problem, she doesn't want it. Her ugly self is out in full force over it. I am 99% sure that the reason she is creating such a fuss is because she is terrified. She cried for hours before her interview. Her self confidence is really, really low. Her dad and I know she can do the job and would do well at it, because when she puts her mind to something she does great. It's just getting her past her fears. My question is... do we force her to go to the second interview? We pretty much forced her into the first one. I have already told her that if she wants a cell phone she has to have a job to pay for it. We also created a contract for getting her driver’s license. I have attached the contract. We have not signed it yet, but knows most of what is on it.
Thanks in advance for your advice!
Sincerely,
A.
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Hi A.,
No. I would definitely not force her -- BUT stick to your stipulation that she must get a job so she can pay for her own cell phone. Let her take "all the time she needs" to decide when/where she wants to work (a paradoxical intervention). The more responsibility you take for her employment, the less responsibility she will take (that's why you're in the rut you're in now; her work is more important to you than it is to her).
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
My 16 year old has an opportunity to work as a hostess at the restaurant I work at. They would hire her just because she is my daughter. Here's the problem, she doesn't want it. Her ugly self is out in full force over it. I am 99% sure that the reason she is creating such a fuss is because she is terrified. She cried for hours before her interview. Her self confidence is really, really low. Her dad and I know she can do the job and would do well at it, because when she puts her mind to something she does great. It's just getting her past her fears. My question is... do we force her to go to the second interview? We pretty much forced her into the first one. I have already told her that if she wants a cell phone she has to have a job to pay for it. We also created a contract for getting her driver’s license. I have attached the contract. We have not signed it yet, but knows most of what is on it.
Thanks in advance for your advice!
Sincerely,
A.
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Hi A.,
No. I would definitely not force her -- BUT stick to your stipulation that she must get a job so she can pay for her own cell phone. Let her take "all the time she needs" to decide when/where she wants to work (a paradoxical intervention). The more responsibility you take for her employment, the less responsibility she will take (that's why you're in the rut you're in now; her work is more important to you than it is to her).
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Friday, July 03, 2009
Your insight into teenagers is amazing...
I have purchased your e-book and cd’s.... just wanted to say how amazing you work is proving to be. I work in psychiatry but have struggled to discipline my son and to understand his behaviour. I have put in to practice the first week session and already it is working. Your insight into teenagers is amazing.... it was like you had written it all for my son and I. Thank you, a thousand times, thank you. I’ll keep you informed of J__’s progress, my 16 year old out of control teenager!
J.
My Out-of-Control Teen
J.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
My family is in the middle of a great deal of turmoil...
Dear Mark,
I just want to thanks you. My family is in the middle of a great deal of turmoil. My husband of almost 25 years asked me for a divorce in November of 2008. Since then, our daughter has ran away twice, cut her arm and spent a week in an inpatient psychiatric facility, has totally changed her dress and her set of friends and has been diagnosed with depression and was placed on medications.
What I found interesting is how much she seemed to be feeding into the diagnosis of "depression" and her "anger issues". I also noticed that the medications actually made her more miserable and her defiant behavior escalated. Your ebook has helped so much and I am only in the first week!
I have fired the counselors, weaned my child off medications and I am ready to begin the work of becoming a stronger, more focused parent. My soon to be ex-husband has also agreed to purchase the program and we intend on working it together to get our daughter back on track.
I thank you for your help and guidance. Please pray for my family as I will for yours.
Sincerely,
L.
My Out-of-Control Daughter
I just want to thanks you. My family is in the middle of a great deal of turmoil. My husband of almost 25 years asked me for a divorce in November of 2008. Since then, our daughter has ran away twice, cut her arm and spent a week in an inpatient psychiatric facility, has totally changed her dress and her set of friends and has been diagnosed with depression and was placed on medications.
What I found interesting is how much she seemed to be feeding into the diagnosis of "depression" and her "anger issues". I also noticed that the medications actually made her more miserable and her defiant behavior escalated. Your ebook has helped so much and I am only in the first week!
I have fired the counselors, weaned my child off medications and I am ready to begin the work of becoming a stronger, more focused parent. My soon to be ex-husband has also agreed to purchase the program and we intend on working it together to get our daughter back on track.
I thank you for your help and guidance. Please pray for my family as I will for yours.
Sincerely,
L.
My Out-of-Control Daughter
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I know this [program] is working...
Mark,
Thanks, I know this is working. This morning, my son was refused his request to drive to driver's ed. He threatened that he wouldn't go. I rolled the window up and shut the engine off and grabbed my purse and opened the door without a fight and he backed down and got in the passenger side.
He said he hated both me and his dad. He is finally expressing his resentment towards his father that he's kept bottled up.
My daughter is compliant with the changes, and earned a reward yesterday to stay the night with a friend. I hadn't been as permissive with her in the past, because she's been the fighter at school, and always gotten attention thru negative behavior and my son, had been 'the good kid'.
T.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Thanks, I know this is working. This morning, my son was refused his request to drive to driver's ed. He threatened that he wouldn't go. I rolled the window up and shut the engine off and grabbed my purse and opened the door without a fight and he backed down and got in the passenger side.
He said he hated both me and his dad. He is finally expressing his resentment towards his father that he's kept bottled up.
My daughter is compliant with the changes, and earned a reward yesterday to stay the night with a friend. I hadn't been as permissive with her in the past, because she's been the fighter at school, and always gotten attention thru negative behavior and my son, had been 'the good kid'.
T.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Abuse by Brother
Hi Mark,
Let me start by saying thanks. Not that we are into the program enough to have had any changes occur, but because you have opened my eyes to how I may have contributed to my sons behaviour and more importantly, the basic things I can do (which my husband says is common sense!) to help him and our family. I must be one of a few, that for me, it wasn’t part of my make up and I didn’t have these ideas naturally. Needless to say, I have over compensated on nurturing, thinking that I was guiding and educating with an open mind and respect for these ‘little people’ and have sort of let them down.
All will change soon, and my 12 yr old son (C___) is crying out for more structure and guidelines. Just to give you a heads up, he has been diagnosed with ‘Aspergers Traits’ and an exceptional IQ which sometimes makes our task a little more trying! C___ actually skipped a grade at primary school, and has just started secondary school this year.
My question in the chat was concerning siblings. C___’s younger brother is the polar opposite of C___. He is compliant, respectful (as far as 10yr olds go), intuitive, empathetic etc, etc. He is young though in some of his ways and really cops a lot of verbal abuse and physical abuse from C___. He is often in tears about this and even though his heart says ‘I love my brother’, he is really having a battle because he can’t bear the treatment he gets.
I positively encourage him and thank him for his tolerance and patience etc. and describe that C___ sees the world differently to him and that we are trying to help with this, but my heart breaks when it happens and I want him to feel a bit more empowered with the situation, rather than a ‘victim’.
I am in Australia Mark, and it is 10.30am here. We are currently in the midst of a sleepover Birthday party for C___, as the 14th June is his 12th birthday however, like most years, we have had a heated discussion & incidents whether his friends are present or not. We may have a cross over in time zones but I hope you can give me some advice.
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Sibling rivalry issues are covered in the Q & A blog: www.OnlineParentingCoach.com
I'll copy and paste:
“Ignoring” behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy – but when it comes to sibling rivalry – it is often the best strategy. Here’s a two-part plan:
1. Don't take sides. If you intervene in squabbling, it should never be on one side or the other. Never intervene on one side or the other unless there is possible harm. By harm I mean the possibility of causing injury, not minor pain. Say, "The two of you stop it” …rather than, “Michael, stop hitting your brother” (which sounds like you’re taking sides).
2. Never listen to what went on. And I mean never. Again, the only exception is if there is potential harm to one or the other child.
When rivalry is present, here are the four common issues that kids are really fighting about:
1. Expressing competition. We live in a competitive society and sibling rivalry is an extension of that. It’s a way for kids to compete with each other and learn how to manage their own competitive behavior.
2. Getting a parent’s attention. This is the most common issue that spurs sibling fighting.
3. Jealousy. One sibling may be jealous of the other (what the other one has, how the other one looks, or how well the other one does in school).
4. Teasing. Sibling fighting may take the form of teasing. By doing this, they test the limits of what’s socially acceptable. In the family, kids can test what they can say by judging what kind of pain it causes. Though children may learn important lessons about how to interact with other people, there are other ways to learn that are less hurtful.
Here’s a list of helpful tips that parents can use to reduce or stop sibling rivalry:
· Avoid favoritism. Some researchers believe that perceived favoritism is the greatest cause of sibling rivalry. So avoiding it helps immensely. This can be challenging since parents may favor certain traits in teenagers over other traits. That means teenagers who have the favored traits become favored.
Hint #1: Pay attention to each child and determine what kind of attention is needed. Consider that teenagers are different and need different things at different times. An exact minute for minute accounting of your attention is not essential. Sometimes a child may require some extra time.
Hint #2: Give each child his or her own special time with you. During this time, make sure no one else is around to compete for your attention.
· Don’t take sides, don't be the judge. When they’re fighting, tell the kids, “I want you two to work this out,” and walk away. Don’t get involved in the fight.
· Don't pay attention to the fight; stay out of it. If they are fighting for your attention and you don't get involved, they will learn other, hopefully better ways to get your attention.
· Know when to intervene. Sibling rivalry can develop into abuse if one sibling regularly victimizes the other. If you follow all of the above, this probably will not happen. But if you’re still struggling with this situation, be alert. Check to see if someone is really getting hurt and who’s too helpless to stop the abuser. The abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. If it’s going on, your response must be prompt and significant. This must not be allowed. If you can’t stop the abuser yourself, seek outside help—a counselor, a friend of family member, or the police or other authorities if you can't stop it any other way.
· Make clear that ongoing conflict is unacceptable. When the fighting has stopped, say something to the rivals like, “I’m unhappy with the present level of fighting and I want you two to find a way to work this out.” If a fight is just beginning, you may give the rivals a group goal so they can work together for a positive outcome.
· Offer problem-solving strategies when the teenagers are not fighting. It may be necessary to work with each child individually, but be really careful that you are not inadvertently playing into the rivalry by giving the desired attention. Offer support without saying whether the child is right or wrong. Ask what the child thinks the fight was about and how he or she might avoid this kind of fight in the future.
· Remain positive. By finding something positive about each of your teenagers on an ongoing basis, you’ll reduce the level of sibling rivalry.
· Teach empathy. Empathy is the opposite of sibling rivalry. The more sensitive siblings are to each other’s emotions, the less they’ll challenge each other as rivals.
...More on sibling rivalry is in the audio section: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.
...Also, you will want to use the strategy in session #3 [online version of the eBook].
Good luck,
Mark
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
"Rebellious Teen"
Hello Mark,
I wish I would have known about your program 2 years ago when the problems started with Lauren. She was 15 when everything hit the fan and just celebrated her 18th birthday. I would say we're at the 3rd stage where the blow ups are less frequent and less intense. Just reading about how things were and how you suggested resolving them let me see where I made my mistakes as a parent and how I actually am doing better now than I thought. Even though Lauren has made some positive changes in her life and attitude I am able to see now how everything went to pot in the first place. She is the youngest of 4 and there are 9 years between her and her sister who is third and her brothers are 12 and 15 years older. I think I felt bad that Lauren was an "only child" and gave in a lot of times where I never would have with my other kids. I got caught up in the emotional tug of war and we did go to therapy and I ended up being the one who continued to go to assure myself that I wasn't loosing my grip. Even though our situation isn't as bad as it was I can see that your program will still provide me and my husband with many tools to continue on the right path. I finished Session 1 today and plan on listening to the audio, watching the videos and reading the e book a few times this week. I'm not sure what made me type "rebellious teen" into the search bar last night but I'm so glad that I did.
B.
My Out-of-Control Teen
I wish I would have known about your program 2 years ago when the problems started with Lauren. She was 15 when everything hit the fan and just celebrated her 18th birthday. I would say we're at the 3rd stage where the blow ups are less frequent and less intense. Just reading about how things were and how you suggested resolving them let me see where I made my mistakes as a parent and how I actually am doing better now than I thought. Even though Lauren has made some positive changes in her life and attitude I am able to see now how everything went to pot in the first place. She is the youngest of 4 and there are 9 years between her and her sister who is third and her brothers are 12 and 15 years older. I think I felt bad that Lauren was an "only child" and gave in a lot of times where I never would have with my other kids. I got caught up in the emotional tug of war and we did go to therapy and I ended up being the one who continued to go to assure myself that I wasn't loosing my grip. Even though our situation isn't as bad as it was I can see that your program will still provide me and my husband with many tools to continue on the right path. I finished Session 1 today and plan on listening to the audio, watching the videos and reading the e book a few times this week. I'm not sure what made me type "rebellious teen" into the search bar last night but I'm so glad that I did.
B.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Monday, June 15, 2009
I feel stronger because I'm not alone in this...
Hi Mark,
I joined OPS a week ago. As a single parent of a 15 year old daughter without any support I have tendency to panic whenever any situation arises because I'm scared she will win again. Now just after my first two sessions I feel stronger because I'm not alone in this.
Yesterday when I listened about all the 5 stages of Anger Ladder, I was amazed: you've described exactly what I go through with my kid from time to time . Now I know why.
Thank you,
I.
My Out-of-Control Teen
I joined OPS a week ago. As a single parent of a 15 year old daughter without any support I have tendency to panic whenever any situation arises because I'm scared she will win again. Now just after my first two sessions I feel stronger because I'm not alone in this.
Yesterday when I listened about all the 5 stages of Anger Ladder, I was amazed: you've described exactly what I go through with my kid from time to time . Now I know why.
Thank you,
I.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Monday, June 08, 2009
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How to Create a Home-Rules Contract
Mark:
I am mainly worried about one of my son’s friends who coached him about a lot of negative things, now this friend will be taken off the street soon, either go to juvenile detention or to go to another state, so he won’t be around much longer.
Now my current problem is I have issued consequences to my son for being coming home late, such as suspending his cell phone, taking away his game controllers, grounding him. The 1st one I have control over, the 2nd one I don’t have control anymore, now he hides his controller before he leaves the house, the 3rd one he totally ignores. I told him he is grounded for 1 day since he didn’t come home on time, but his friends just come to our house and pick him up, he sneaks out of the house one way or the other, so what do I do now?
I want to print out all the rules for the house, the privileges and consequences for him, so he knows exactly what to expect for his actions. Do you have a sample for those things?
Thank you!
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Hi S.,
Here's a way to create your own "home-rules" contract. There's a blank template at the bottom of the page too.
Click ==> http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/mr-rulescontract.html
Mark
I am mainly worried about one of my son’s friends who coached him about a lot of negative things, now this friend will be taken off the street soon, either go to juvenile detention or to go to another state, so he won’t be around much longer.
Now my current problem is I have issued consequences to my son for being coming home late, such as suspending his cell phone, taking away his game controllers, grounding him. The 1st one I have control over, the 2nd one I don’t have control anymore, now he hides his controller before he leaves the house, the 3rd one he totally ignores. I told him he is grounded for 1 day since he didn’t come home on time, but his friends just come to our house and pick him up, he sneaks out of the house one way or the other, so what do I do now?
I want to print out all the rules for the house, the privileges and consequences for him, so he knows exactly what to expect for his actions. Do you have a sample for those things?
Thank you!
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi S.,
Here's a way to create your own "home-rules" contract. There's a blank template at the bottom of the page too.
Click ==> http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.
Mark
Friday, June 05, 2009
We had a blow out the other day because of a pierced lip...
Hi Mark,
I just purchased your program today. I am going to try and make this brief. My daughter has been with father for the last 4 months we have 50/50 custody. Recently she has talked about moving back and going to her old school. We had a blow out the other day because of a pierced lip that her father allowed her to get knowing this is not allowed in my house. I would also not get her a dress that night. She hit me called me bad names and was out of control. I called her father and said I would be picking her up Sunday night and am going back to 50/50 custody because of how she felt I have no control over her behavior. My problem is this program takes about 4 weeks and this Sunday is days away. My question is should I not pick her up and let her stay with her father if that is what she so desires and explain I love her and this would be her choice to live with her father instead of being with me and the rules at our house. Or should I pick her up Sunday night and really try to get through this program while she is here week on week off? Because I have no have time to go through the program I don't know what would be best.
Your help is greatly appreciated,
S.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi S.,
When this situation arises, the typical scenario (in brief) looks something like this:
1. Child goes to father's house to live (greener grass myth)...
2. About a 2 to 4 week "honeymoon period" is experienced in the new home (i.e., things go very well at first)...
3. Then the child begins to behave (i.e., misbehave) the same way she behaved in previous home...
4. Father cannot successfully address the misbehavior and sends the child back to mom...
Having said this, I think it would be good for you and your daughter to have a time-out from one another. Take advantage of the opportunity to get a break (albeit a short one).
Mark
MyOutOfControlTeen.com
I just purchased your program today. I am going to try and make this brief. My daughter has been with father for the last 4 months we have 50/50 custody. Recently she has talked about moving back and going to her old school. We had a blow out the other day because of a pierced lip that her father allowed her to get knowing this is not allowed in my house. I would also not get her a dress that night. She hit me called me bad names and was out of control. I called her father and said I would be picking her up Sunday night and am going back to 50/50 custody because of how she felt I have no control over her behavior. My problem is this program takes about 4 weeks and this Sunday is days away. My question is should I not pick her up and let her stay with her father if that is what she so desires and explain I love her and this would be her choice to live with her father instead of being with me and the rules at our house. Or should I pick her up Sunday night and really try to get through this program while she is here week on week off? Because I have no have time to go through the program I don't know what would be best.
Your help is greatly appreciated,
S.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi S.,
When this situation arises, the typical scenario (in brief) looks something like this:
1. Child goes to father's house to live (greener grass myth)...
2. About a 2 to 4 week "honeymoon period" is experienced in the new home (i.e., things go very well at first)...
3. Then the child begins to behave (i.e., misbehave) the same way she behaved in previous home...
4. Father cannot successfully address the misbehavior and sends the child back to mom...
Having said this, I think it would be good for you and your daughter to have a time-out from one another. Take advantage of the opportunity to get a break (albeit a short one).
Mark
MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
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Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Practical tips to diffuse the hatred between father and daughter?
Hi Mark
During the last few weeks me and my husband have been following (as much as we can) your program.
Thank you for the great idea to make it available on line.
We have a fourteen year old daughter and an eight year old son.
Our daughter is very well described in your lectures. I recognised that my overindulging approach and the fact that in the past me and my husband had different opinions on her parenting and also the fact that she is very strong willed person led to her behaviour problems.
Before starting the program we were aware that she was having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend. Her constant threatening that she might run away stopped me from interfering directly. In the very beginning of the program we decided that we cannot let this continuing and my husband spoke to the boyfriend's parents and the boy himself. He just said that she was 14 and they needed to be supervised. I do not regret this step. But it happened that he spoke to his parents when she was completely unaware and babysitting her brother. Needless to say she was very hurt and felt betrayed by us.
After that we are trying really hard to keep being firm and give her the consequences of her bad choices. Meanwhile we encourage all the small positive steps that she does.
It is a really long list how many boundaries she pushed in the last 3-4 weeks:
*violting curfew
* skipping school for 4 days
*smoking in the house
*asking for a lift to her best friend's in the night for sleepover just we to realise the next morning that they both disappeared that night and came 8 am in her fiends house
*leaving the house without telling anyone
*being really rude and calling us names and swearing
* taking all the pills from our cabinet (paracetamol and aspirin)
Only by the Lord's grace I am still sane.
I can see that my husband's patience is running over. He started to rage at her.
On the few occasions when she was able to talk to me she said that she frankly hates us and she really hates her father. They never had a good relationship but now it is a nightmare. I keep reminding myself that the things are expected to get worse before get better. It seems that my husband lost the hope to establish a healthy relationship with our daughter and to see her growing into a responsible adult.
Can you give me some practical tips how to diffuse the hatred between them.
I cannot understand whether she realises that her behauvior cannot be tolerated as it is now or she is still in her angry state not accepting the consequences because she just hates this family and refuses to follow the rules in the family.
Thank you for your support.
M.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi M.,
As a parent, you want to do everything for your child but you have to realize that sooner or later, they must do things on their own. They have to learn about how to earn their own money, how to manage it, and how to make smart financial decisions with it. The longer you keep on handing everything to your children, the harder it will be for them to learn these crucial life skills and lessons on their own and that will severely backfire on them in their adult life.
I think as children grow older, you have to say “No” more frequently, and make them work hard for the things they want to have, because you have to teach them the value of hard work, the value of a dollar, the virtue of patience, of delayed gratification, etc., or else they will never learn and that’s a greater disservice to them in the long run.
People whose parents didn’t provide them with everything usually appreciate the things they have more. They have to work hard in order to get those things they need on their own, which usually makes them more financially responsible, more responsible in general, harder workers, etc. I ‘m not saying that ALL people whose parents didn’t provide them with everything will turn out like that -- nor am I saying that those people whose parents provided them with everything cannot also garner those same qualities.
All I’m saying is that those whose parents did not provide them with everything have a greater opportunity to develop those crucial life skills that are critical in adult life simply because they need to. Those who got everything handed to them usually don’t have that need to develop those crucial life skills, so they don’t spend time cultivating them.
What’s my point?
Don’t spend any time or energy worrying about trying to be “the good guy.” You are not a “buddy.”
Your job is to help your daughter foster the development of “self-reliance.” And you are totally powerless over whether or not she chooses to harbor resentment based on your more assertive parenting style.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Daughter
During the last few weeks me and my husband have been following (as much as we can) your program.
Thank you for the great idea to make it available on line.
We have a fourteen year old daughter and an eight year old son.
Our daughter is very well described in your lectures. I recognised that my overindulging approach and the fact that in the past me and my husband had different opinions on her parenting and also the fact that she is very strong willed person led to her behaviour problems.
Before starting the program we were aware that she was having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend. Her constant threatening that she might run away stopped me from interfering directly. In the very beginning of the program we decided that we cannot let this continuing and my husband spoke to the boyfriend's parents and the boy himself. He just said that she was 14 and they needed to be supervised. I do not regret this step. But it happened that he spoke to his parents when she was completely unaware and babysitting her brother. Needless to say she was very hurt and felt betrayed by us.
After that we are trying really hard to keep being firm and give her the consequences of her bad choices. Meanwhile we encourage all the small positive steps that she does.
It is a really long list how many boundaries she pushed in the last 3-4 weeks:
*violting curfew
* skipping school for 4 days
*smoking in the house
*asking for a lift to her best friend's in the night for sleepover just we to realise the next morning that they both disappeared that night and came 8 am in her fiends house
*leaving the house without telling anyone
*being really rude and calling us names and swearing
* taking all the pills from our cabinet (paracetamol and aspirin)
Only by the Lord's grace I am still sane.
I can see that my husband's patience is running over. He started to rage at her.
On the few occasions when she was able to talk to me she said that she frankly hates us and she really hates her father. They never had a good relationship but now it is a nightmare. I keep reminding myself that the things are expected to get worse before get better. It seems that my husband lost the hope to establish a healthy relationship with our daughter and to see her growing into a responsible adult.
Can you give me some practical tips how to diffuse the hatred between them.
I cannot understand whether she realises that her behauvior cannot be tolerated as it is now or she is still in her angry state not accepting the consequences because she just hates this family and refuses to follow the rules in the family.
Thank you for your support.
M.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi M.,
As a parent, you want to do everything for your child but you have to realize that sooner or later, they must do things on their own. They have to learn about how to earn their own money, how to manage it, and how to make smart financial decisions with it. The longer you keep on handing everything to your children, the harder it will be for them to learn these crucial life skills and lessons on their own and that will severely backfire on them in their adult life.
I think as children grow older, you have to say “No” more frequently, and make them work hard for the things they want to have, because you have to teach them the value of hard work, the value of a dollar, the virtue of patience, of delayed gratification, etc., or else they will never learn and that’s a greater disservice to them in the long run.
People whose parents didn’t provide them with everything usually appreciate the things they have more. They have to work hard in order to get those things they need on their own, which usually makes them more financially responsible, more responsible in general, harder workers, etc. I ‘m not saying that ALL people whose parents didn’t provide them with everything will turn out like that -- nor am I saying that those people whose parents provided them with everything cannot also garner those same qualities.
All I’m saying is that those whose parents did not provide them with everything have a greater opportunity to develop those crucial life skills that are critical in adult life simply because they need to. Those who got everything handed to them usually don’t have that need to develop those crucial life skills, so they don’t spend time cultivating them.
What’s my point?
Don’t spend any time or energy worrying about trying to be “the good guy.” You are not a “buddy.”
Your job is to help your daughter foster the development of “self-reliance.” And you are totally powerless over whether or not she chooses to harbor resentment based on your more assertive parenting style.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Daughter
Monday, June 01, 2009
Head Injury & Child Behavior Problems
Mark
It has been a while since I last contacted you. I just wanted to let you know that I___’s results of the QEEG have shown significant frontal cortex impairment which would affect his behaviour. I attach a copy of the letter the Clinical Neuro psychologist sent to the school requesting for additional time for his exams.
The neuro-psychologist says that it is not a license for his bad behaviour though. But she does point out that he cannot control his anger and does not always know what he is doing until it is too late. Also she says he should not be provoked or argued with as his brain cannot deal with it. It seems that he does go into a mad fit when he is angry.
In the meantime, we have had 4 sessions of Brain biofeedback treatment after the QEEG test (weekly sessions, he requires at least 18) for which I have to pay.
His behaviour, however, has become somewhat erratic. He has been caught in school while he was excluded from it for rude behaviour to a teacher) for drinking from a can of beer in the playground with a friend of his. This is the friend called Lloyd who is getting him in a lot of trouble (drinking, truanting bad behaviour, who has been expelled from a previous school). I___ seems to have joined forces with this trouble maker and together they are causing double trouble.
Question: You told me last time, to wait until I get the results of I___’s QEEG test which I have and which confirm frontal cortex damage. He is receiving treatment. In the meantime, while he is receiving these weekly sessions to repair his brain (he can only have 1/ week) as the brain cannot cope with any more. What do I do about his rude behaviour and drinking alcohol with friends, staying out late at night at the weekend with the same (bad) friends? His swearing at me and his dad if we reprimand him of any of his behaviour. He is breaking furniture in his bedroom and being rude and fighting with his brother. He can be quiet and good for about 7 – 10 days and then something will spark him off, normally when he does not get his own way or I ask him to have a time out. Whereas I feel that when I first started with your programme, I was very slowly getting some success but now with the diagnosis, I don’t know which way to turn. Should he be allowed to get away with everything as I cannot confront him.
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This situation does put you in a "double bind". On the one hand, the psychologist is saying "that it is not a license for his bad behavior" ...but on the other hand, you have been advised that "he should not be provoked or argued with."
But...
If you follow the program as outlined, you will not be doing any "provoking" or "arguing." I know you may want to view your situation as extremely unique -- and you may always run the risk of "feeling sorry" for your son. However, your situation is not that much different from any other parent who is working this program -- and you should NOT fall into the "feeling sorry" trap.
Continue to work the program with no modifications. After all, this program is designed for kids who have issues such as mood disorders, impulse control problems, anger management difficulties, and so on.
Here are some pointers:
Head injury survivors may experience a range of neuropsychological problems following a traumatic brain injury. Depending on the part of the brain affected and the severity of the injury, the result on any one child can vary greatly. Personality changes, memory and judgment deficits, lack of impulse control, and poor concentration are all common. Behavioral changes can be stressful for families and caregivers who must learn to adapt their communication techniques, established relationships, and expectations of what the impaired child can or cannot do.
In some cases extended cognitive and behavioral rehabilitation in a residential or outpatient setting will be necessary to regain certain skills. A neuropsychologist also may be helpful in assessing cognitive deficits. However, over the long term both the survivor and any involved family members will need to explore what combination of strategies work best to improve the functional and behavioral skills of the impaired child.
Even a child who makes a “good” recovery may go through some personality changes. Family members must be careful to avoid always comparing the impaired child with the way he/she “used to be.” Personality changes are often an exaggeration of the child's pre-injury personality in which personality traits become intensified. Some changes can be quite striking. It may be, for example, the head injury survivor used to be easy going, energetic, and thoughtful and now seems easily angered, self-absorbed, and unable to show enthusiasm for anything. Nonetheless, try not to criticize or make fun of the impaired child’s deficits. This is sure to make the child feel frustrated, angry, or embarrassed.
Head injury survivors may experience short-term problems and/or amnesia related to certain periods of time. Generally, new learning presents the greatest challenge to memory or remembering. In contrast, pre-injury knowledge is more easily retained. The ability to focus and concentrate are keys to addressing some short-term memory problems.
· Have the child repeat the name of a person or object, after you, if memory impairment is severe.
· Keep distractions (e.g., music, noise) to a minimum and focus on one task at a time.
· Keep to routines. Keep household objects in the same place. Use the same route to walk to the mail box or bus stop.
· Whenever possible, have the child write down key information (e.g., appointments, phone messages, list of chores).
If getting lost is a problem, you can label doors or color code doors inside the house or hang arrows to indicate directions. When going out, the child should be accompanied initially to ensure the route is understood. A simple map can be sketched from the bus stop to the house. And make sure that the child always carries his/her address and emergency phone numbers.
A structured environment can be essential in helping a head injury survivor relearn basic skills. A written routine schedule of activities and repetition make it easier to remember what’s expected and what to do next.
After a head injury a child may lack emotional responses such as smiling, laughing, crying, anger, or enthusiasm or their responses may be inappropriate. This may be especially present during the earlier stages of recovery. Recognize that this is part of the injury. Try not to take it personally if the child does not show an appropriate response.
Encourage the child to recognize your smile at a humorous situation (or tears if you are sad) and to take note of the proper response.
In some cases, neurological damage after a head injury may cause emotional volatility (intense mood swings or extreme reactions to everyday situations). Such overreactions could be sudden tears, angry outbursts, or laughter. It is important to understand that the child has lost some degree of control over emotional responses. The key to handling lability is recognizing that the behavior is unintentional. Caregivers should model calm behavior and try not to provoke further stress by being overly critical. Help the child recognize when his/her emotional responses are under control and support/reinforce techniques that work.
Provided a situation does not present a physical threat, various approaches may be used to diffuse hostile behavior:
· Do not challenge or confront the child when he is already angry about something Rather, negotiate (e.g., if you don’t like what’s planned for dinner tonight, how about choosing Friday’s menu?). Try to understand the source of the anger. Is there a way to address the child’s need/frustration? (e.g., make a phone call, choose an alternative activity).
· Help the child regain a sense of control by asking if there is anything that would help him/her feel better.
· Ignore the small problems.
· Isolate the disruptive impaired child. Consider you own safety and his/hers. Treat each incident as an isolated occurrence as the survivor may not remember having acted this way before or may need to be prompted to remember. Try to establish consistent, non-confrontational responses from all family members (children may need to learn some “dos” and “don’ts” in reacting to the survivor).
· Offer alternative ways to express anger (e.g., a punching bag, a gripe list).
· Remain as calm as you can.
· Seek support for yourself as a caregiver. Support groups, professional counselors, and, if necessary, protective services or law enforcement may be contacted.
· Show extra affection and support to address underlying frustrations.
· Try to change the child’s mood by agreeing with the child (if appropriate) and thus avoiding an argument.
· Validate the emotion by identifying the feelings and letting the child know these feelings are legitimate. Frustration over the loss of functional and/or cognitive abilities can reasonably provoke anger.
The child who has survived a head injury may lack empathy. That is, some head injury survivors have difficulty seeing things through someone else's eyes. The result can be thoughtless or hurtful remarks or unreasonable, demanding requests. This behavior stems from a lack of abstract thinking.
Help cue the child to recognize thoughtlessness. Remind him/her to practice polite behavior. Realize that awareness of other people's feelings may have to be relearned. “Cueing” or reminders can be helpful in improving concentration and attention. Repeat the question. Don’t give too much information at once, and check to see that the child is not tired.
Head injury survivors should be encouraged to develop self-checks by asking themselves questions such as:
· “Did I understand everything?”
· “Did I write it down?”
· “I made a mistake” or “I’m not sure” should lead to the conclusion, “let me slow down and concentrate so I can correct the error.”
· “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”
Correct actions should be consciously praised, “I did a good job”.
It is relatively common for a head injury survivor to be unaware of his/her deficits. Remember that this is a part of the neurological damage and not just rebelliousness. Be aware, however, that denial can also be a coping mechanism to conceal the fear that he/she cannot do a particular task. The child may insist that the activity cannot be done or is “stupid.”
· Build self-esteem by encouraging the child to try a (non-dangerous) activity that he/she feels confident doing.
· Give the child visual and verbal reminders or “hints” (e.g., a smile or the words "good job") to improve confidence in carrying out basic activities more independently.
· If you feel the child can handle confrontation, challenge him/her to try the activity. Demonstrate that you can do the task easily.
Coping with behavior problems after a head injury requires identification and acknowledgment of the impaired child’s deficits. A comprehensive neuropsychological assessment is recommended. This may help both the survivor and the family to better understand neurological and cognitive deficits.
In some cases, it may be easier for the family caregiver to recognize personality changes than to resolve the problem behavior. Targeted strategies may be used to deal with specific behavioral issues.
Finally, it is critical that family members seek and receive support (family, friends, support group, counselor) in dealing with their own emotional responses to caring for a head injured loved one.
Good Luck!
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Recommended Reading—
Awake Again, Martin Krieg (1994), WRS Publishing, available from the author: P.O. Box 3346, Santa Cruz, CA 95063. (408) 426-8830.
Head Injury and the Family: A Life and Living Perspective, Arthur Dell Orto and Paul Power (1994) GR Press, 6959 University Blvd., Winter Park, FL 32193. (800) 438-5911.
Head Injury Peer Support Group Training Manual, Family Caregiver Alliance (1993): San Francisco, CA.
Professional Series and Coping Series, HDI Publishers, PO Box 131401, Houston, TX 77219. (800) 321-7037.
Therapeutic Fun for Head Injured Persons and Their Families, Sally Kneipp (ed) 1988, Community Skills Program, c/o Counseling and Rehabilitation, Inc., 1616 Walnut St., #800, Philadelphia, PA 19103.
It has been a while since I last contacted you. I just wanted to let you know that I___’s results of the QEEG have shown significant frontal cortex impairment which would affect his behaviour. I attach a copy of the letter the Clinical Neuro psychologist sent to the school requesting for additional time for his exams.
The neuro-psychologist says that it is not a license for his bad behaviour though. But she does point out that he cannot control his anger and does not always know what he is doing until it is too late. Also she says he should not be provoked or argued with as his brain cannot deal with it. It seems that he does go into a mad fit when he is angry.
In the meantime, we have had 4 sessions of Brain biofeedback treatment after the QEEG test (weekly sessions, he requires at least 18) for which I have to pay.
His behaviour, however, has become somewhat erratic. He has been caught in school while he was excluded from it for rude behaviour to a teacher) for drinking from a can of beer in the playground with a friend of his. This is the friend called Lloyd who is getting him in a lot of trouble (drinking, truanting bad behaviour, who has been expelled from a previous school). I___ seems to have joined forces with this trouble maker and together they are causing double trouble.
Question: You told me last time, to wait until I get the results of I___’s QEEG test which I have and which confirm frontal cortex damage. He is receiving treatment. In the meantime, while he is receiving these weekly sessions to repair his brain (he can only have 1/ week) as the brain cannot cope with any more. What do I do about his rude behaviour and drinking alcohol with friends, staying out late at night at the weekend with the same (bad) friends? His swearing at me and his dad if we reprimand him of any of his behaviour. He is breaking furniture in his bedroom and being rude and fighting with his brother. He can be quiet and good for about 7 – 10 days and then something will spark him off, normally when he does not get his own way or I ask him to have a time out. Whereas I feel that when I first started with your programme, I was very slowly getting some success but now with the diagnosis, I don’t know which way to turn. Should he be allowed to get away with everything as I cannot confront him.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
This situation does put you in a "double bind". On the one hand, the psychologist is saying "that it is not a license for his bad behavior" ...but on the other hand, you have been advised that "he should not be provoked or argued with."
But...
If you follow the program as outlined, you will not be doing any "provoking" or "arguing." I know you may want to view your situation as extremely unique -- and you may always run the risk of "feeling sorry" for your son. However, your situation is not that much different from any other parent who is working this program -- and you should NOT fall into the "feeling sorry" trap.
Continue to work the program with no modifications. After all, this program is designed for kids who have issues such as mood disorders, impulse control problems, anger management difficulties, and so on.
Here are some pointers:
Head injury survivors may experience a range of neuropsychological problems following a traumatic brain injury. Depending on the part of the brain affected and the severity of the injury, the result on any one child can vary greatly. Personality changes, memory and judgment deficits, lack of impulse control, and poor concentration are all common. Behavioral changes can be stressful for families and caregivers who must learn to adapt their communication techniques, established relationships, and expectations of what the impaired child can or cannot do.
In some cases extended cognitive and behavioral rehabilitation in a residential or outpatient setting will be necessary to regain certain skills. A neuropsychologist also may be helpful in assessing cognitive deficits. However, over the long term both the survivor and any involved family members will need to explore what combination of strategies work best to improve the functional and behavioral skills of the impaired child.
Even a child who makes a “good” recovery may go through some personality changes. Family members must be careful to avoid always comparing the impaired child with the way he/she “used to be.” Personality changes are often an exaggeration of the child's pre-injury personality in which personality traits become intensified. Some changes can be quite striking. It may be, for example, the head injury survivor used to be easy going, energetic, and thoughtful and now seems easily angered, self-absorbed, and unable to show enthusiasm for anything. Nonetheless, try not to criticize or make fun of the impaired child’s deficits. This is sure to make the child feel frustrated, angry, or embarrassed.
Head injury survivors may experience short-term problems and/or amnesia related to certain periods of time. Generally, new learning presents the greatest challenge to memory or remembering. In contrast, pre-injury knowledge is more easily retained. The ability to focus and concentrate are keys to addressing some short-term memory problems.
· Have the child repeat the name of a person or object, after you, if memory impairment is severe.
· Keep distractions (e.g., music, noise) to a minimum and focus on one task at a time.
· Keep to routines. Keep household objects in the same place. Use the same route to walk to the mail box or bus stop.
· Whenever possible, have the child write down key information (e.g., appointments, phone messages, list of chores).
If getting lost is a problem, you can label doors or color code doors inside the house or hang arrows to indicate directions. When going out, the child should be accompanied initially to ensure the route is understood. A simple map can be sketched from the bus stop to the house. And make sure that the child always carries his/her address and emergency phone numbers.
A structured environment can be essential in helping a head injury survivor relearn basic skills. A written routine schedule of activities and repetition make it easier to remember what’s expected and what to do next.
After a head injury a child may lack emotional responses such as smiling, laughing, crying, anger, or enthusiasm or their responses may be inappropriate. This may be especially present during the earlier stages of recovery. Recognize that this is part of the injury. Try not to take it personally if the child does not show an appropriate response.
Encourage the child to recognize your smile at a humorous situation (or tears if you are sad) and to take note of the proper response.
In some cases, neurological damage after a head injury may cause emotional volatility (intense mood swings or extreme reactions to everyday situations). Such overreactions could be sudden tears, angry outbursts, or laughter. It is important to understand that the child has lost some degree of control over emotional responses. The key to handling lability is recognizing that the behavior is unintentional. Caregivers should model calm behavior and try not to provoke further stress by being overly critical. Help the child recognize when his/her emotional responses are under control and support/reinforce techniques that work.
Provided a situation does not present a physical threat, various approaches may be used to diffuse hostile behavior:
· Do not challenge or confront the child when he is already angry about something Rather, negotiate (e.g., if you don’t like what’s planned for dinner tonight, how about choosing Friday’s menu?). Try to understand the source of the anger. Is there a way to address the child’s need/frustration? (e.g., make a phone call, choose an alternative activity).
· Help the child regain a sense of control by asking if there is anything that would help him/her feel better.
· Ignore the small problems.
· Isolate the disruptive impaired child. Consider you own safety and his/hers. Treat each incident as an isolated occurrence as the survivor may not remember having acted this way before or may need to be prompted to remember. Try to establish consistent, non-confrontational responses from all family members (children may need to learn some “dos” and “don’ts” in reacting to the survivor).
· Offer alternative ways to express anger (e.g., a punching bag, a gripe list).
· Remain as calm as you can.
· Seek support for yourself as a caregiver. Support groups, professional counselors, and, if necessary, protective services or law enforcement may be contacted.
· Show extra affection and support to address underlying frustrations.
· Try to change the child’s mood by agreeing with the child (if appropriate) and thus avoiding an argument.
· Validate the emotion by identifying the feelings and letting the child know these feelings are legitimate. Frustration over the loss of functional and/or cognitive abilities can reasonably provoke anger.
The child who has survived a head injury may lack empathy. That is, some head injury survivors have difficulty seeing things through someone else's eyes. The result can be thoughtless or hurtful remarks or unreasonable, demanding requests. This behavior stems from a lack of abstract thinking.
Help cue the child to recognize thoughtlessness. Remind him/her to practice polite behavior. Realize that awareness of other people's feelings may have to be relearned. “Cueing” or reminders can be helpful in improving concentration and attention. Repeat the question. Don’t give too much information at once, and check to see that the child is not tired.
Head injury survivors should be encouraged to develop self-checks by asking themselves questions such as:
· “Did I understand everything?”
· “Did I write it down?”
· “I made a mistake” or “I’m not sure” should lead to the conclusion, “let me slow down and concentrate so I can correct the error.”
· “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”
Correct actions should be consciously praised, “I did a good job”.
It is relatively common for a head injury survivor to be unaware of his/her deficits. Remember that this is a part of the neurological damage and not just rebelliousness. Be aware, however, that denial can also be a coping mechanism to conceal the fear that he/she cannot do a particular task. The child may insist that the activity cannot be done or is “stupid.”
· Build self-esteem by encouraging the child to try a (non-dangerous) activity that he/she feels confident doing.
· Give the child visual and verbal reminders or “hints” (e.g., a smile or the words "good job") to improve confidence in carrying out basic activities more independently.
· If you feel the child can handle confrontation, challenge him/her to try the activity. Demonstrate that you can do the task easily.
Coping with behavior problems after a head injury requires identification and acknowledgment of the impaired child’s deficits. A comprehensive neuropsychological assessment is recommended. This may help both the survivor and the family to better understand neurological and cognitive deficits.
In some cases, it may be easier for the family caregiver to recognize personality changes than to resolve the problem behavior. Targeted strategies may be used to deal with specific behavioral issues.
Finally, it is critical that family members seek and receive support (family, friends, support group, counselor) in dealing with their own emotional responses to caring for a head injured loved one.
Good Luck!
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Recommended Reading—
Awake Again, Martin Krieg (1994), WRS Publishing, available from the author: P.O. Box 3346, Santa Cruz, CA 95063. (408) 426-8830.
Head Injury and the Family: A Life and Living Perspective, Arthur Dell Orto and Paul Power (1994) GR Press, 6959 University Blvd., Winter Park, FL 32193. (800) 438-5911.
Head Injury Peer Support Group Training Manual, Family Caregiver Alliance (1993): San Francisco, CA.
Professional Series and Coping Series, HDI Publishers, PO Box 131401, Houston, TX 77219. (800) 321-7037.
Therapeutic Fun for Head Injured Persons and Their Families, Sally Kneipp (ed) 1988, Community Skills Program, c/o Counseling and Rehabilitation, Inc., 1616 Walnut St., #800, Philadelphia, PA 19103.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Explosive Kids & Low Frustration Tolerance
The term “explosive kids’ is used to describe easily frustrated, chronically inflexible, explosive children. While many of these kids carry a variety of diagnoses, parents often tell us that the term “explosive kids” better describes their youngster’s struggles. In addition, many find that it also provides a framework for understanding and alleviating the difficulties with which they present. This will become more evident as you review the following in-depth description.
What does a youngster described as “inflexible-explosive” look like? Mark Hutten, M.A. provides a helpful list of criteria:
Common Characteristics of Inflexible-Explosive Kids:
1. While other kids are apt to become more irritable when tired or hungry, inflexible-explosive kids may completely fall apart under such conditions!
2. The tendency to think in a concrete, rigid, black-and-white manner. The youngster does not recognize the gray in many situations ( Mrs. Robinson is always mean! I hate her! Rather than “Mrs. Robinson is usually nice, but she was in a bad mood today”); may apply oversimplified, rigid, inflexible rules to complex situations; and may impulsively revert to such rules even when they are obviously inappropriate (“We always go out for recess at 10:30. I don’t care if there’s an assembly today. I’m going out for recess!”)
3. The persistence of inflexibility and poor response to frustration despite a high level of intrinsic or extrinsic motivation. The youngster continues to exhibit frequent, intense, and lengthy meltdowns even in the face of salient, potent consequences.
4. The youngster’s inflexibility and difficulty responding to frustration in an adaptive manner may be fueled by behaviors-moodiness/irritability, hyperactivity/impulsiveness, anxiety, obsessiveness, social impairment-commonly associated with other disorders.
5. The youngster may have one or several issues about which he or she is especially inflexible – for example, the way clothing looks or feels, the way foods taste or smell, and the order in which things must be done.
6. Inflexible episodes may have an out-of-the-blue quality. The youngster may seem to be in a good mood, then fall apart unexpectedly in the face of frustrating circumstances, no matter how trivial.
7. An extremely low tolerance for frustration. The youngster is not only more easily frustrated, but experiences the emotions associated with frustration far more intensely and tolerates them far less adaptively than do other kids of the same age. In response to frustration, the youngster becomes extremely agitated, disorganized, and verbally or physically aggressive.
8. An extremely low frustration threshold. The youngster becomes frustrated far more easily and by far more seemingly trivial events than other kids of his or her age. Therefore, the youngster experiences the world as one filled with frustration and uncomprehending adults.
9. A remarkably limited capacity for flexibility and adaptability and incoherence in the midst of severe frustration. The youngster often seems unable to shift gears in response to parents’ commands or a change in plans and becomes quickly overwhelmed when a situation calls for flexibility and adaptability. As the youngster becomes frustrated, his or her ability to “think through” ways of resolving frustrating situations in a manner that is mutually satisfactory becomes greatly diminished; the youngster has difficulty remembering previous learning about how to handle frustration and recalling the consequences of previous inflexible-explosive episodes, has trouble thinking rationally, may not be responsive to reasoned attempts to restore coherence, and may deteriorate even further in response to punishment.
Should your youngster present with these difficulties, we strongly encourage you to join Online Parent Support (a program that possesses an extensive background and experience working with explosive kids) to provide recommendations that will help you, the parent, resolve most behavioral/attitudinal issues.
In establishing that developmental deficits in the domains of flexibility and frustration tolerance are the key factors underlying explosive behavior, we think the characteristics presented provide a more useful way of viewing our kids. This is very different from the conventional wisdom: that these kids are merely willful and spoiled, that they are fully able to control their explosive outbursts, and that poor parenting is to blame for their difficulties. Blaming parents for their kid’s difficulties is not the best way to change things for the better in any family or classroom. When we dispense with the blame, the stage is set for adults to be part of the solution: re-establishing positive relationships with these kids, creating experiences that will provide the training and practice in problem-solving skills, flexibility, and frustration tolerance.
Online Parent Support
Parents & Resentment Flu
Mark-
After I sent you the e-mail and had the chance to review your response I sat and did some soul searching. I am struggling with some of the things that I am required to do. Not because I do not wish to comply, but because I am so badly hurt from the years of defiant behavior, lying, and stealing. I forgave him the best I could throughout the years and he turned around and did the same things repeatedly. Sometimes telling me that he hears things in his head and others because he can’t help himself.
In my last e-mail to you I described one of our worst physical encounters with B__ and there have been many. My only regret was that we did not call the police on him that night instead of allowing it to escalate the way it did. Yesterday I was met by someone from child protective services accompanied by a police officer. B__ has threatened us with this before and we have feared it since it poured off of his lips. He states that my husband punched and bruised him. I can tell you that my husband pulled the child off his back and restrained him on the floor, but did not punch him. It is now our word against his and we feel like we are prisoners in our own home. The person appointed to our case heard us out and gave us a number to call in case he starts to destroy our home or attacks us in any manner again. We don't know what to do? The child throws himself through his room, against walls, furniture, and out of his window sill. I go to my room and shut the door as to not feed into his attention seeking behaviors, but when he is injuring himself and telling people that we did this to him it crosses the line. I ignore the behavior and it gets worse. He demands and manipulates an audience. According to him nothing is ever his fault and the world is against him. I do not know where to get help for us. At this point he has seen that we are powerless and that all he has to do is make up another story and we are in serious trouble. My husband and I do not want him home because with another accusation, we can lose everything. We are considering putting cameras throughout the house to ensure our safety through this process with B__. We don't want to be with him unless the other parent is with us. Summer is here and his sister who is to spend the summer with us will arrive in a few short weeks and I don't know how to keep her safe and ensure that B__ doesn't have all of us arrested. We need help. I have asked for help starting when he entered pre-school and all I got was a handful of varying diagnoses and a handful of prescriptions. He is bigger, stronger, and smarter and his behavior nor the outcomes are ever his fault. I find it nearly impossible to say I love you to him, I cannot stand to hear him ramble on because it is usually a fabricated story and when I get to the bottom of it I am more disappointed to find out he was at fault for whatever had happened and that he cannot and will not see it.
We have regular chores and each day the battles are getting worse and for the fact that I don’t want the fight, I don’t want to give them to him anymore. B__ is only ever happy when he is running the show. Anyone other than him in control will create behaviors that we not wish to have in our home or in our lives. B__ thinks that because we were not arrested and that they won’t keep Beth from coming here means that all is well. It is not well. My husband and I will have this stain on our (until yesterday) clean records till the end of our lives and again he walks away unscathed and newly empowered by his newest form of parental control.
Nick and I need help to get back on our feet on working in a better direction for all of us. Can you please tell us where to start again because we are heartbroken and devastated by what is happening?
Thank you-
A.
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Hi A.,
Sounds like you have a bad case of “resentment flu” …also, it sounds like you feel a significant sense of defeat. When we drill deep into the root of resentment and anger, the cause always revolves around our ego and the mind’s attempt to protect it from “extinction.” Here is a series of thoughts I observed myself experiencing while confronted with such a scenario (some of which may strike you as rather odd):
• “Cave Man (Woman) Survives in a Tribe” - As tribal animals, our inner caveman cares about what others think of us, since if others didn’t like us, we might be kicked out of the tribe. And for a caveman, life outside of a tribe means instant hardship and death. And so, when we learn that others think badly of us, we become unbalanced, unwell and very bothered.
• Animal Instincts - when my ego is hurt, my inner caveman quickly jumps out in attack mode. Even if I logically know that it is unnecessary to be in attack mode, caveman will still be there and I will experience feelings of animal instinct. In caveman days, if we didn’t retaliate against others who hurt us, we would eventually be killed. So, this instinct serves as a survival mechanism and is a natural response to an attack. I believe that understanding this is vitally important to accepting our own reactive tendencies and to finally controlling these instincts.
• Defending Our Ego is Like Fighting Other Cave Men - When a caveman fights with another caveman in our modern age (i.e., now), nobody wins. We fight out of an instinct to survive, and to protect our ego-driven pride. In the end, nobody wins, since we no longer live in the stone-age and killing each other is no longer necessary.
• Defense - In an attempt to defend my ego, for having been wrongfully accused, my inner caveman strategized a battle plan of defense and attack. This included a list of harmful things I could say to the attacker.
• Ego Shock - feelings of shock, followed by increased heart rate. I could sense that my ego was hurt.
• Infused Anger - The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I fell into feelings of resentment, and even feelings of despair.
I am not suggesting that we suppress or deny these feelings. But rather, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that we are no longer slaves to the emotional reflexes of our animalistic instincts.
As hard as it might seem while we are experiencing anger towards someone (especially our own child), the keys to overcoming the emotion lie first in understanding and finally in forgiving. This seems counter-intuitive, since our instincts tell us that we need to defend ourselves, and possibly come up with ways to hurt the other individual.
Understanding gives us insight into what the other individual is feeling. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically ease some of the emotional burden we’ve been carrying.
Before seeking to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our caveman instincts. When we can step out of our inner caveman, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other individual was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.
Let’s dive deeper into each major step in overcoming these bothersome feelings:
1. Clarity
In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.
When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering.
• “You are In Control” - Remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and actions. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. Remind yourself of the responsible individual that you are - using the real definition of responsibility: the ability to respond, or the ability to control our responses. Map out the worst case scenario and accept it. You’ll often find that the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the dreadful scenario that you have dreamt up in your mind.
• Exercise: Express Your Emotions - Fully express your emotions without physically harming anyone (including yourself). If you feel angry, express that anger verbally (while you are alone) with the intent of releasing it completely out of your system. You can jump up and down, cry out loud or exert unusual sounds. Listen to your body as to how it wants to release this negative energy. Give yourself a time limit of say 5 to 10 minutes in which you must express all your anger, either verbally or in writing. Additionally or alternatively, go for a run, a hike, a workout or a swim. Many individuals find exercise to be an effective way to release toxic energy.
• Exercise: Finding Peace via Focused Attention - This has been the most effective tool for me when clarity and inner peace is needed: First, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your focus onto your breath. Focus all of your attention on your inhales and exhales. Do this for about five minutes. Next, bring your attention to your heart (the center of your chest). Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life, right now. You can either visualize each individual or thing, or you can hear the sound of these things spoken in your mind. As you see them, or hear them, experience the feelings of gratitude in your heart.
2. Understanding
Now that we’ve put our inner caveman/cavewoman aside, we can objectively look at the situation for what it is. We can seek to understand what is causing the other individual to act in this particular way.
In most cases, once we’ve figured out the cause for their behavior, we will find that it is often not an attack on us, but a reflection of their primal instinct to protect themselves.
What’s more, as we gain perspective into their position, we might find that we’ve learned something valuable that will contribute towards our wellbeing and happiness in the future.
• Freedom of Expression. - Accept that it is okay for others (even your children) to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you. Choose understanding. Choose compassion. Choose doing the right thing by staying honest to yourself. Outside of that, don’t worry about it, let them go. We cannot control other’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with that.
• It’s Not Personal - When individuals are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When individuals communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.
• The Painful “Enemy” - Seek out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep-seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand that individuals, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner caveman cause them to act out in self-defense.
3. Forgiveness
Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other individual to die.
Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only individual we are harming is ourselves.
The goal here is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our lives. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or to dwell on other’s opinions of us. Give yourself a gift of freedom: forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding.
• Forgive Others - After the exercise of breathing and gratitude, continue to keep your eyes closed. Now, let go of all resentment and regret. You can imagine each of these separately. Imagine all the individuals who you hold a grudge against. Optionally you may see their harmless face smiling at you. Recognize that we are all trying our hardest in our current state of consciousness. Tell them in your imagination that you forgive them. Have the intention of forgiving others and ourselves for any actions that may have resulted in pain.
• Forgive Yourself - Forgive yourself for having had thoughts of retaliation, resentment, regret or grievance. Forgive yourself for exposing your inner caveman.
• You can repeat the mantra “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.”
Good luck,
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
After I sent you the e-mail and had the chance to review your response I sat and did some soul searching. I am struggling with some of the things that I am required to do. Not because I do not wish to comply, but because I am so badly hurt from the years of defiant behavior, lying, and stealing. I forgave him the best I could throughout the years and he turned around and did the same things repeatedly. Sometimes telling me that he hears things in his head and others because he can’t help himself.
In my last e-mail to you I described one of our worst physical encounters with B__ and there have been many. My only regret was that we did not call the police on him that night instead of allowing it to escalate the way it did. Yesterday I was met by someone from child protective services accompanied by a police officer. B__ has threatened us with this before and we have feared it since it poured off of his lips. He states that my husband punched and bruised him. I can tell you that my husband pulled the child off his back and restrained him on the floor, but did not punch him. It is now our word against his and we feel like we are prisoners in our own home. The person appointed to our case heard us out and gave us a number to call in case he starts to destroy our home or attacks us in any manner again. We don't know what to do? The child throws himself through his room, against walls, furniture, and out of his window sill. I go to my room and shut the door as to not feed into his attention seeking behaviors, but when he is injuring himself and telling people that we did this to him it crosses the line. I ignore the behavior and it gets worse. He demands and manipulates an audience. According to him nothing is ever his fault and the world is against him. I do not know where to get help for us. At this point he has seen that we are powerless and that all he has to do is make up another story and we are in serious trouble. My husband and I do not want him home because with another accusation, we can lose everything. We are considering putting cameras throughout the house to ensure our safety through this process with B__. We don't want to be with him unless the other parent is with us. Summer is here and his sister who is to spend the summer with us will arrive in a few short weeks and I don't know how to keep her safe and ensure that B__ doesn't have all of us arrested. We need help. I have asked for help starting when he entered pre-school and all I got was a handful of varying diagnoses and a handful of prescriptions. He is bigger, stronger, and smarter and his behavior nor the outcomes are ever his fault. I find it nearly impossible to say I love you to him, I cannot stand to hear him ramble on because it is usually a fabricated story and when I get to the bottom of it I am more disappointed to find out he was at fault for whatever had happened and that he cannot and will not see it.
We have regular chores and each day the battles are getting worse and for the fact that I don’t want the fight, I don’t want to give them to him anymore. B__ is only ever happy when he is running the show. Anyone other than him in control will create behaviors that we not wish to have in our home or in our lives. B__ thinks that because we were not arrested and that they won’t keep Beth from coming here means that all is well. It is not well. My husband and I will have this stain on our (until yesterday) clean records till the end of our lives and again he walks away unscathed and newly empowered by his newest form of parental control.
Nick and I need help to get back on our feet on working in a better direction for all of us. Can you please tell us where to start again because we are heartbroken and devastated by what is happening?
Thank you-
A.
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Hi A.,
Sounds like you have a bad case of “resentment flu” …also, it sounds like you feel a significant sense of defeat. When we drill deep into the root of resentment and anger, the cause always revolves around our ego and the mind’s attempt to protect it from “extinction.” Here is a series of thoughts I observed myself experiencing while confronted with such a scenario (some of which may strike you as rather odd):
• “Cave Man (Woman) Survives in a Tribe” - As tribal animals, our inner caveman cares about what others think of us, since if others didn’t like us, we might be kicked out of the tribe. And for a caveman, life outside of a tribe means instant hardship and death. And so, when we learn that others think badly of us, we become unbalanced, unwell and very bothered.
• Animal Instincts - when my ego is hurt, my inner caveman quickly jumps out in attack mode. Even if I logically know that it is unnecessary to be in attack mode, caveman will still be there and I will experience feelings of animal instinct. In caveman days, if we didn’t retaliate against others who hurt us, we would eventually be killed. So, this instinct serves as a survival mechanism and is a natural response to an attack. I believe that understanding this is vitally important to accepting our own reactive tendencies and to finally controlling these instincts.
• Defending Our Ego is Like Fighting Other Cave Men - When a caveman fights with another caveman in our modern age (i.e., now), nobody wins. We fight out of an instinct to survive, and to protect our ego-driven pride. In the end, nobody wins, since we no longer live in the stone-age and killing each other is no longer necessary.
• Defense - In an attempt to defend my ego, for having been wrongfully accused, my inner caveman strategized a battle plan of defense and attack. This included a list of harmful things I could say to the attacker.
• Ego Shock - feelings of shock, followed by increased heart rate. I could sense that my ego was hurt.
• Infused Anger - The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I fell into feelings of resentment, and even feelings of despair.
I am not suggesting that we suppress or deny these feelings. But rather, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that we are no longer slaves to the emotional reflexes of our animalistic instincts.
As hard as it might seem while we are experiencing anger towards someone (especially our own child), the keys to overcoming the emotion lie first in understanding and finally in forgiving. This seems counter-intuitive, since our instincts tell us that we need to defend ourselves, and possibly come up with ways to hurt the other individual.
Understanding gives us insight into what the other individual is feeling. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically ease some of the emotional burden we’ve been carrying.
Before seeking to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our caveman instincts. When we can step out of our inner caveman, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other individual was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.
Let’s dive deeper into each major step in overcoming these bothersome feelings:
1. Clarity
In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.
When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering.
• “You are In Control” - Remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and actions. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. Remind yourself of the responsible individual that you are - using the real definition of responsibility: the ability to respond, or the ability to control our responses. Map out the worst case scenario and accept it. You’ll often find that the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the dreadful scenario that you have dreamt up in your mind.
• Exercise: Express Your Emotions - Fully express your emotions without physically harming anyone (including yourself). If you feel angry, express that anger verbally (while you are alone) with the intent of releasing it completely out of your system. You can jump up and down, cry out loud or exert unusual sounds. Listen to your body as to how it wants to release this negative energy. Give yourself a time limit of say 5 to 10 minutes in which you must express all your anger, either verbally or in writing. Additionally or alternatively, go for a run, a hike, a workout or a swim. Many individuals find exercise to be an effective way to release toxic energy.
• Exercise: Finding Peace via Focused Attention - This has been the most effective tool for me when clarity and inner peace is needed: First, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your focus onto your breath. Focus all of your attention on your inhales and exhales. Do this for about five minutes. Next, bring your attention to your heart (the center of your chest). Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life, right now. You can either visualize each individual or thing, or you can hear the sound of these things spoken in your mind. As you see them, or hear them, experience the feelings of gratitude in your heart.
2. Understanding
Now that we’ve put our inner caveman/cavewoman aside, we can objectively look at the situation for what it is. We can seek to understand what is causing the other individual to act in this particular way.
In most cases, once we’ve figured out the cause for their behavior, we will find that it is often not an attack on us, but a reflection of their primal instinct to protect themselves.
What’s more, as we gain perspective into their position, we might find that we’ve learned something valuable that will contribute towards our wellbeing and happiness in the future.
• Freedom of Expression. - Accept that it is okay for others (even your children) to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you. Choose understanding. Choose compassion. Choose doing the right thing by staying honest to yourself. Outside of that, don’t worry about it, let them go. We cannot control other’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with that.
• It’s Not Personal - When individuals are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When individuals communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.
• The Painful “Enemy” - Seek out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep-seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand that individuals, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner caveman cause them to act out in self-defense.
3. Forgiveness
Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other individual to die.
Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only individual we are harming is ourselves.
The goal here is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our lives. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or to dwell on other’s opinions of us. Give yourself a gift of freedom: forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding.
• Forgive Others - After the exercise of breathing and gratitude, continue to keep your eyes closed. Now, let go of all resentment and regret. You can imagine each of these separately. Imagine all the individuals who you hold a grudge against. Optionally you may see their harmless face smiling at you. Recognize that we are all trying our hardest in our current state of consciousness. Tell them in your imagination that you forgive them. Have the intention of forgiving others and ourselves for any actions that may have resulted in pain.
• Forgive Yourself - Forgive yourself for having had thoughts of retaliation, resentment, regret or grievance. Forgive yourself for exposing your inner caveman.
• You can repeat the mantra “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.”
Good luck,
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
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Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Parents Magazine]
