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RE: "She had the most amazing temper tantrum and was kicking me..."

 Hi Mark, Another question from Australia (I have SO many questions)! M__ and I are in the process of starting up some chores and allowing A__ to earn some money from the non-mandatory ones. We thought we'd have a rule where the mandatory ones had to be done first and then there would be the capacity to earn money from other chores. If the mandatory ones are not done, then there is no pocket money for the week. Is this OK? Can we put a caveat on her spending like no lollies, fizzy drinks or junk food-her behavior is so much worse if she has these things-she can buy books, toys clothes or save some for example?
 

Also, what happens if we have bad behavior during the week-can we tie it all in together-bad behavior, no money or is that a separate issue of consequences? A__ was so awful the other night-she had the most amazing temper tantrum and was kicking me and M__ had to restrain her-she is getting too big for me-at the age of 8 she is up to my chin (I'm 5'7") and it was not easy to just walk away as she was grabbing hold of me (I have a torn rotator cuff muscle in my right shoulder courtesy of her wrenching my arm in a fit of rage) and I've endured an MRI and 5 months of physio to get it better... Thanks Mark.

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Hi L.,

Re: If the mandatory ones are not done, then there is no pocket money for the week. Is this OK?

Absolutely.

Re: Can we put a caveat on her spending like no lollies, fizzy drinks or junk food-her behavior is so much worse if she has these things-she can buy books, toys clothes or save some for example?

Yes but …here’s one caveat to your caveat: Allow her to have one “treat” that falls into the junk food category per week.

Re: …what happens if we have bad behavior during the week-can we tie it all in together-bad behavior, no money or is that a separate issue of consequences?

Make the consequence fit the “crime” (i.e., the misbehavior) as much as possible. Not every poor choice your daughter makes will be linked to money.

Re: Domestic battery. This should involve the authorities if it happens again. You don’t want to send her the message that physical violence goes un-punished.

Mark

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Help for Distraught Parents of Defiant Teenagers: Discipline Methods That WORK!

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

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Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

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The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

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