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Well I started Phase 1 and set the boundaries of curfew and homework requirements. All was going fine, to my surprise. Now the weekend, and Nicole wanted a friend to stay over. I thought well she has been home on time all week and has cleaned her room and done her homework, so alright. Saturday, she decides to go out with her boyfriend. She calls me at 11:50 pm to see if she can stay the night at his house. I said absolutely not! She is to come home by curfew. Well she still is not home and it is now 9:30 am. What do I do with this? 3 days grounded? What? Please help.
Assuming she has returned home by now, issue the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounded for one evening with no phone privileges). If she refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then withhold all privileges and ground her for 3 days.
Most importantly, however, issue the following warning and be prepared to back-up your words with action: “If you choose to violate curfew and spend the night at your boyfriend’s again, you will choose the consequence. The police will be called, and I will file a run away charge with juvenile probation.”
Online Parent Support
What are your views on teens having sex with condoms? I'm not sure where to go with this one as my 17-year-old daughter is wanting to have sex with her 18-year-old boyfriend (and probably already is) but does not want to go on birth control.
Thanks in advance,
I'd like to share some data with you rather than give my personal opinion on the matter. One of our goals at Online Parent Support is ongoing research. Our recent project tried a number of recruitment strategies with varying degrees of success. Fliers were distributed by project staff in a few high schools and at a weekly summer street fair in downtown Indianapolis that attracts large numbers of teens, and by community agencies to their clients. The street fair recruiting, community service agency referrals, and focus group participant referrals (snowball method) were quite successful.
In the summer of 2007, the OPS HIV Prevention Studies Group conducted:
·10 individual interviews with parents
·21 focus groups with 166 teen participants of mixed ethnicity, segmented by age gender and sexual orientation
·30 individual interviews with teens
·3 parent focus groups, consisting of 22 parents
Our focus group research found that ethnically diverse teens had common interests and attitudes:
·Although youth knew where to get condoms and had tried them, few kept them handy.
·One consequence of unplanned sex was that condoms weren’t talked about and often weren’t used.
·Sex often “just happened.”
·Sexual activity and the opposite sex were very important.
·Youth cited drug and alcohol use as another reason for unplanned sex and not using condoms.
·Youth knew a lot about HIV but perceived little risk.
Our research offered much information on how teens viewed and used condoms:
·Although many in the target audience had already tried condoms, and may have used them sometimes, the audience saw many barriers to consistent use (such as a bad condom experience, the status of their relationship, other birth-control methods).
·The formative research, consistent with national data, suggested that incorrect condom use was an issue: complaints of leakage and slippage suggested that condoms were not being used correctly.
·Like the national literature, local research indicated that youth were not likely to use a condom with a steady partner, as a sign of trust or love. Yet the formative research showed that local teens considered a partner as “steady” after a short period of time and without clear risk assessment.
·Local research indicated that youth had unplanned sex for many reasons: sex with friends, denial of a possibility of having sex, or the influence of drugs or alcohol. In these instances, local research and national data suggested that youth were not likely to use condoms.
Research participants mentioned several benefits to condom use – benefits that were consistent with national research and program experience:
· A way to follow peer norms, which say that they should use condoms
· Ability to act on distrust of a partner
· Ability to attain future goals
· Feeling in control
· Feeling self-respect
· HIV prevention
· Pregnancy prevention
· STI prevention
· Worrying less
In addition to the focus group/interview research, staff compiled all the information they had collected from secondary sources into an “environmental profile” that included local, regional, and statewide data relevant to the target audience, such as:
· Demographic and lifestyle data
· Drug and juvenile justice data
· Health statistics (such as HIV testing, STI, birth, and abortion rates)
· School enrollment rates
The research report also included condom sales data for the city and listings of local youth development and youth-serving programs.
Online Parent Support
"I've found your website out of sheer desperation (bet you've heard that a time or two). I'm the step parent of an 18 year old boy who has been diagnosed in the past six months as being bipolar. He is abusing alcohol (no drugs as far as I can tell) and most days he has no respect for authority of any kind. Curfews are non existent and he can't hold a job. He was recently kicked out of a private catholic school ...and attempted suicide in October by overdosing on his meds.
The dilemma, number one he lives with his mom ...and she is demanding that his father and I ...take him. He is taking his meds, but not going to the weekly counseling that was recommended. His mother doesn't enforce any rules because she is afraid of him (he's been known to knock holes in the walls with baseball bats but has never injured anyone). Number two, his father travels out of state most of the time and I would be the primary person responsible for him if he were to come live with us.
...Am I delusional or insane for even considering this? Is moving something that would send him off the deep end completely? I will tell you that his relationship with his father is strong and his father is the calming factor in his life, something he readily acknowledges."
I am really thinking that if he wants to watch t.v. or a movie that he needs to watch what the family is watching. He doesn't watch anything really violent or play violent video games but I think he is picking up stuff off shows that are supposed to be "PG-14" but is probably still to old for him to watch. And, one last thing, we have a cat. I probably never should have gotten her. I had to put my other cat to sleep last year and within 2 months I was yearning for another cat. I thought that she would be something that the kids and I would enjoy and like having in the house. He pesters her to death. He doesn't physically hurt her but he constantly picks her up, hugs on her, lifts her in the air, etc. We have talked until we are blue in the face. The poor thing goes and hides in her litterbox to get away. I have gone so far as to contact the people that I got her from so they can take her back. I feel guilty because I don't want to give her back but we cannot continue to yell and scream and he not stop bothering her. We have a golden retriever also but he is big enough to get away and lets him know to stop. Well, any suggestions that you may have will be greatly appreciated. I look forward to reading your book and am in hopes that out of all the things that I have read and tried that this will be the answer. Thanks so much! J. `
The best thing to do at this point would be to digest most of the material in the eBook. Many of your immediate questions will be answered there. In the meantime, in those cases where the only thing a child enjoys is hiding in his bedroom, a very effective consequence is to ground the child FROM his room. Look at his room as just another privilege that can be taken away whenever he needs a consequence.
(As a footnote, he really should have one hour of T.V. and/or video game privileges through the week -- as long as it can be monitored by an adult.)
Re: the cat. I think the best course of action would be to give the cat up for adoption. Your son knows he can push your buttons when it comes to mistreating it – and he will continue to do so as long as the cat is in the home.
I read the comments about children not doing well in school. The understanding I get from that is not to push and nag them to do homework. Let them suffer the consequences. So does that mean that if he has a test to study for, or an assignment due that I should let him do whatever he wants and other than the schoolwork? He would rather sit in front of the game cube and play all night long if I let him. Do I take the gamecube away from him for 3 days? Could you please reply back to me by e-mail. Thanks. G.
Hi G., If poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict - AND if your son has a history of poor academic performance, then you will do well to follow the advice in the eBook. Should you let him do whatever he wants? No. Set aside a 1-hour block of time (e.g., 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM five days a week) for him to do homework. He can choose to do homework, or he can choose to NOT be able to play his Game Cube. Let him decide. If he chooses NOT to do homework for that hour, he does NOT have access to Game Cube or any other toy – but, after one hour, he can play again. School/homework is your son’s job. The more you take responsibility for it, the less responsibility he will take.
Many thanks for all the information you have sent to me this has been extremely helpful to both my colleague and myself as we have recently set up our own company dealing with early intervention.
This is a relatively new concept in the U.K. and we have found your perspective on this matter to be more advanced and if you have any more information you feel would be of relevance to ourselves we would appreciate your input.
We look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
for Elite Family Specialists CIC
Tel. 0191 516 0167 Mob. 07721619818
Please look for these arrows below: ====>
On Jan 9, 2008 2:28 PM, N. wrote:
I purchased your e-book last night, and as I am reading it, it seems to be more appropriate for teens. (I just started looking thru).
===> There are some age-specific parenting strategies, but as long as your child is living in your home, 98% of the techniques will apply regardless of age.
2 yrs ago our dream of becoming parents became true through adoption when we were match up with 3 adorable siblings. Our daughter is 5yrs and her twin brothers are 4. We are blessed, they are adorable children, but we are having behavioral problems with our daughter. She seems to be able to control herself when we are at home or when ever I'm around (I 'm very firm with them and one way or another she seem to listen to me) but the minute I leave her side she becomes in a little devil. At school she is driving everyone crazy. And the worst is that the twins are starting to pick up some of her bad behavior.
She lies, and lies and even when we confront her with the true, she will not give in admitting the truth, answers back, don't follow orders, disrupt the class and is very "bossy". I don't know what to do any more because she doesn't mind or care for time outs, or taking privileges out from her; playing time, movie time, tv time or toys away.
===> She may not care when things are taken away, but she enjoys having her things returned. Follow the method in the eBook for this.
We are taking her to therapy once a week and here she was diagnosed with ODD but that doesn't seem to be helping at all.
===> Therapy will be a waste of your time and money. It is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that has little or no effect with ODD kids. Stick with the strategies in the eBook.
We have been following 1-2-3- Magic, but it doesn't work with her behavior. I find my self getting very angry, disappointed and hopeless.
====> Be sure to read (and listen to the audio files) in the Anger Management Chapter (online version).
I want to enjoy time with her and not feel that she is manipulating us. Unfortunately we don't have any past medical or family history of our children. Please help me out !!!!! And guide me to what direction I should follow?
====> Normal, healthy mothers - even the very young ones - rarely give up their children for adoption. Over 90% of adopted children come from very young mothers who, too often, also have a drug/alcohol addiction of some kind. In addition, many of these mothers who gave their child up for adoption have significant mental health issues ( e.g., ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, etc.). So it's a fairly safe assumption that your adopted daughter will also have some mental health issues - as well as have a genetic predisposition to drug addiction.
It will be terribly important for your daughter's teacher to educate herself about how to relate (and influence) a child with ODD. If she doesn't take the time to adopt some different teacher-student interactions with your daughter, the problems will continue.
Online Parent Support
- equally common among boys and girls and is most likely to occur between age 5 to 11
- highest when schools reopen after summer
- defined as the behavior of resisting or refusing to attend a specific class or to stay in school for an entire day
- may be accompanied by one or more of the following behaviors: complaints about stomach pain, headache, or nausea before or during school; crying before and during school; frequent visits to the school nurse; temper tantrums; specific fears; anxiety or sadness
- feel that others see them in a negative way
- become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back
- have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers
- get teased by mischievous children or harassed by a bully
- be reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend
- be depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning.
- feel unsafe staying in a room by themselves
- display clinging behavior
- display excessive worry and fear about parents or about harm to themselves
- shadow the mother or father around the house
- have difficulty going to sleep
- have nightmares
- have exaggerated, unrealistic fears of animals, monster, burglars
- fear being alone in the dark
- have severe tantrums when forced to go to school
==> Join Online Parent Support
Well, my daughter turned 18 and she did move out with her boyfriend and his mother. I heard she did not go to school today. I am wondering what responsibility do I have with her still in school? Maybe this is the wrong question to ask, but I am trying to make sense of this.
I want you know that I did say they could date, but she would still have to obey our guidelines in our home. She didn't think she could do this, so she wanted out. Thank you, M.
I think it's good that she's out - that's o.k. for everybody. She doesn't have to attend school at her age - it's optional. She'll eventually realize she needs to at least get a GED. She won't want to work at McDonald's her whole life.
Look at her as more like an adult friend now (rather than your "pain-in-the-ass" daughter).
Online Parent Support
Hi L., Please look for my comments where you see these arrows: =======>
Since we cannot agree on how to discipline even when we agree on the rules, this has left her open to manipulate one of us, usually my husband. She basically knows what I will accept and since I have tried to remove the emotion from my statements and have tried to put the ball in her court as far as relationship goes, she has been better with me, but then sets her sights on my husband. He can't do what I do, he states he just has to be himself and if he cares about someone he can't pretend he doesn't when they are making mistakes or hurting his feelings. I get this too but that doesn't help her.
============> Keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one.
Her latest psychological evaluation states her diagnosis as insecure attachment. Different from RAD I'm told but very difficult to find information on.
===========> “Insecure attachment” is a “problem with relationships” – it takes two people (e.g., child and parent). “RAD” is a disorder within the child. The purpose of labeling a parent-child relationship “insecure” is not to blame parents who love and intend the best for their children, but may be products themselves of insecure attachment, trauma or depression. Separation can also be a factor that contributes to insecure attachment. Insecure attachment and the developmental disruptions they can cause are often passed from one generation to the next unless steps are taken to repair what has been damaged. And it sounds like you are helping with “repair.”
She is very bright and is a good student who likes school and did excel at athletics until recently when she seems to exhibit very little interest into things she used to at least do and enjoy. She seems perfectly happy to spend as much time at home being non-compliant and lie in front of the TV.
===========> Watching TV doesn’t involve “relationship” – thus it is a “self-soothing” behavior for her to engage in. (She could be out doing worse things.)
My instincts tell me to not get involved with the sports situation as long as school is going well, and we have the other issues at home to deal with and let the natural consequences occur with sports but my husband feels she is wasting so much talent and ability and this could only help her in her future. My question is how far should we go to encourage her in sports and should she earn it and could you please check on some information for me of her new diagnosis.
==========> Go with your instinct. I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about sports. Encourage? Yes. Insist? No. If she decides to pursue sports, the “practice” that comes with any sport will be how she earns it.
Mark Hutten, M.A.