We're expecting a battle on our hands as the 3-day grounding has just been imposed. My daughter scoffed when she was told last night, even though we had already warned her that if she chose the behaviour, she chose the consequence. How long do we keep starting it from day 1 if she refuses to see the 3 days through?
At 4 o'clock this morning I woke up to some noise and found that she had taken one of the computer monitors from the study room (we have 2 which my husband needs for his work) and was trying to fix up an old CPU so that she could set it up in her bedroom. We have always made it clear to the kids that no computers will be allowed in bedrooms. I told her that I expected her to put everything back the way she had found it. It was still in her bedroom this morning before I left for work and she was asleep so I left her a note.
Should we just stick to the 3-day grounding for the initial reason or impose additional restrictions for this new situation?
Re: Should we just stick to the 3-day grounding for the initial reason...?
There are several important factors to consider when implementing the 3-day discipline. These factors are outlined on the page entitled The Art of Saying ‘Yes’ and The Art of Saying ‘No’ where you see Points To Keep In Mind [online version of the eBook].
Also, be sure to read the answer to How Do You Eat An Elephant?
My Out-of-Control Teen
Wondering if you can advise me if what is happening in our house is in the realm of normal with the out of control teen.
We are into the 3rd week and are using the anger control etc. He was grounded last week and came off it on Sunday. Monday morning arrived and by 8.00am he was grounded again for refusing to get in the car to go to school with other contributing factors as well. He was furious! This afternoon he has been highly defiant, the annoying he loves to do towards us has intensified with threats to go along with it. I guess he feels he is not winning and is pulling out all the stops. My husband and I have remained calm throughout!! - amazing -when we are tried to our limits and beyond! He has remarked that the grounding is too harsh, etc etc.
He has tried everything in the book and now refuses to do his homework. I told him that was fine it was up to him if he wanted to fail. He said he can't see why we are treating him like this. I replied that it is his choice if he wants to be grounded - he can decide when he doesn't want to be grounded any more. Is there anything I should be doing differently or are we on the right track.
Thanks for your help (HELP!) From a desperate mother!
I think you are greatly on track. I’m not sure how long he was grounded last week – or this most recent time.
Just bear in mind that we want to start with the least restrictive consequence first. For example, grounding for one evening with no iPod. If he refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then you boost the consequence to 3 days with NO privileges.
Don’t pull out your big guns too soon. Start small …let him decide to choose the small consequence or a larger one.
My Out-of-Control Teen
We are all given choices in life. And it is up to each of us to face the consequences of whatever those choices may be.
For example, if I choose to drive my car too fast, I may or may not get caught, but if I do get caught, I am sure that I will get a speeding ticket, and I have no one to blame buy myself.
That is responsibility.
Freedom comes with responsibility. That is the price of freedom.
Do you agree?
When Dad and I told you that you could not go to Ray's party, (because you lied (your choice) you decided to act out. You decided to destroy your bedroom, after I had it fixed up and painted. You decided to punish us?
Do you agree?
Well, you thought you painted us into a corner…
If anyone is painted into a corner, the first thing they do is to try to find a way out?
Do you agree?
Well, as a consequence of your behavior, Dad and I chose to go to District Court and apply for a CHINS. It is a court hearing for teenagers who choose to be rebellious. On Tuesday we will be going to speak with a judge in regards to your choice to be rebellious. This is only a hearing. If you choose to come with us and cooperate, the judge will speak to you and explain consequences to rebellious behavior, such as destroying our property. If you choose not to go, you will have to be escorted/ and /or arrested. This is very serious.
The outcome of the conversation is that my husband and I are psychotic. The biggest thing that we can take away from him, is his opportunity to get his permit. Why should we give him his license or permit when he can't be trusted.
This is the consequence of his behavior. His attitude and lack of respect for either of us is a real issue here. So, we are letting the dust settle this evening. He can earn it back if he changes his attitude.
So, we decided to go to court, just so he will sit down and listen to us, and what we have to say. If he would have sat down this evening, I would not have had to go this far. Consequences to poor behavior.
Please let me know what you think? Your opinion is very valuable during this process.
I do have a couple comments.
At one point, you said, "He can earn it back if he changes his attitude." This is fairly vague. You need to be more specific when conveying to your son exactly what he must do to earn his permit.
If I were to videotape him having a "change of attitude," what would I see? Would I see that he's not using profanity ...not raising his voice in anger ...not tearing up furniture ...what?
Whatever it is, state it. Be very specific. For example, "You will be allowed to get your permit in 7 days if you (a) get home by curfew, (b) avoid calling me names, and (c) do not damage any property."
I'm just using the above statement as an example. You'll come up with something that actually applies to your particular circumstances.
Re: sitting down.
This is turning into a power struggle. If he wants to stand, let him.
Pick your battles carefully. You have bigger fish to fry than whether or not he is sitting.
My last point is this: We as parents want to foster the development of self-reliance in our children. Thus, the question becomes, "If I do not allow my son to get his permit, will this foster the development of self-reliance - or inhibit such development?"
Clearly, it will inhibit self-reliance. As such, I strongly recommend that do not lengthen the consequence (i.e., no permit) beyond a 7-day time limit. If the consequence goes longer than 7 days, your son will not be able to see light at the end of the tunnel and will likely feel as though he has nothing else to lose (a dangerous frame of mind to be in).
Online Parent Support
Thank you so much for your input. I am listening to you and implementing your ideas. So, rest assured you have an open ear with me.
It was difficult to talk last night, because he would not sit down.
Last night, after the conversation, he was angry. I reminded him that I loved him very much, and that this court thing had to be taken care of. We were not sure if we could cancel it, and that he had to know what was coming.
He felt it was stupid. What did he do?
I remained calm when he called me psychotic, and told him he was entitled to his opinion, but that I knew that I was not psychotic. The fizz went out of the battle.
My husband was able to cancel the CHINS appointment, and I would rather have it that way. I don't want an intermediary.
I will get more specific on "change of attitude". Also, the permit issue. I understand what you are saying …will get more specific.
Thanks so much for your time.
I love your book, and your input, ideas, etc.
My son is 15 years old and is out of control. After we caught him using drugs in 9th grade. By the time he was in 9th grade, his grades fell etc. At that time, I asked him if he was glad he was caught, he said that he was. He even went to stay with his Aunt and cousins to get away from the influences, etc.
He came back home six months ago, and has been doing well for the most part. However, he is still acting out and has been hooking up with his old buddies again, which makes me very nervous. I started with my poker face, and have been plugging along.
When we said no to hanging out with his friend, he proceeded to destroy his room. My husband and I actually locked our bedroom door at night. We just didn't know what to think. And I went to court to file a CHINS.
This weekend he is at his Aunts house, and it is quiet, calm, and I can think. I intend to talk to him about the CHINS and explain why I did it. I want to give this program a shot. Even if we go to court, it is only to let him know that we are not afraid to call the police
if need be. It is not a scare tactic, it is a reality at this point in time. He continues to push and lie, and on it goes.
When I speak to him about the changes we are making due to this program, is when I will also bring up CHINS. Even if I use it as a parenting mistake, he will have something to think about.
I am being cautious not to be deceived by his behavior any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I’d say you’re right on track. Just be sure to word the warning exactly as follows: If you choose to _____________ (the poor choice goes here), you’ll choose the consequence, which is __________ (the consequence goes here). Then be sure to follow through with the stated consequence in the event he makes the poor choice.
Also, when issuing the above warning, do not provide any intensity (e.g., lecturing, threatening, getting angry, etc.). Otherwise, your son will turn it into a game (i.e., he’ll push the limits just to get another reaction out of you).
Stay tough …your son will benefit.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Thanks for your input. What happened is when that behavior went so out of control, I went to the court and set up the hearing. Now, since it is on Tuesday, I am not sure if we can get out of it. So...............that is why I am letting him know about it. He has to go, or they will come get him.
He is such a player that he drove me to do this. I became resolved to do whatever it takes to put an end to bad behavior.
I plan to begin by talking about choices. We all make choices. I could choose to speed in my car, but the consequences are that I would get a ticket. You made a choice to destroy your bedroom. to lie to us, be sneaky, etc. These choices have consequences.
Yesterday began with a simple discussion about blue jeans. He destroyed a pair of his jeans while working. I suggested that he should not throw them out because he made need them next time he works, etc. He got defensive. Instead of blowing up, I remembered the discussion about pain. In order to be heard, I calmly said, I just don't want you to ruin another pair, since they cost money.
Afterwards, he apologized to me for getting upset.
He knows that we are changing, but he does not know the extent of it. He will know tonight. I thank you again for your time.
Click here for more help: My Out-of-Control Teen
Thanks so much for your support. We are using the "Yes" and "No" responses. The "Yes" response is working a treat and I am very pleased with the results. Of course the "No" response is getting a lot of protest but we are persisting. It is working even though the child is flatly saying I will not etc. I allow him a little time to think about it and he eventually goes and does what he is told instead of accepting the consequences. Of course the hardest thing for my husband is keeping a poker face but he is improving every day.
A little off the subject - I am wondering if you have any miracle strategy for getting bullies off my son's back. My son is not street wise and is constantly "set up" etc. The school is useless at addressing the issue.
Thanks so much.
Here are some other strategies to discuss with your son that can help improve the situation and make him feel better:
- Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
- Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
- Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
- If it feels safe, try to stand up to the person who is bullying you. If the person who is bullying you thinks you won't do anything about it, they are more likely to keep picking on you. This doesn't mean you should fight back or bully them back. Instead, tell the person bullying you that you don't like it and that they should stop! Keep it simple. You might just say, "Cut it out, Miranda!", and then walk away. If possible, try to talk to them in a calm voice. Kids who bully often like to see that they can make you upset. If you're afraid to talk to the person who is bullying you by yourself, then you might want to ask someone else to be there with you. Kids who bully are more likely to listen, and less likely to bully you, when you're with someone and not alone. If you're not comfortable standing up to someone who has bullied you, that's definitely OK! Just walk away. But be sure to tell an adult.
- If you are being bullied on-line, don't reply. This may actually make the bullying worse. Instead, be sure to tell a family member or another adult you trust. If possible, block any more communications from this person. (For example, it might be a good idea only to accept messages from people you know.) Save evidence of the bullying. If you get a nasty e-mail, print it out or save it so that you can show it to an adult.
- Join clubs or take part in activities where you'll meet other kids. Sometimes, it can help to join clubs or take part in activities that interest you. Think about joining a sports team, taking an art class, or joining a scouting group, for example. You can meet other kids who share your interests and you might make some good friends!
- Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't bring it to school.
- Stay in a group. Kids who bully like to pick on kids who are by themselves a lot— it's easier and they're more likely to get away with their bad behavior. If you spend more time with other kids, you may not be an easy "target" and you'll have others around to help you if you get into a difficult situation!
- Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.
- Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
- fight back or bully a person back. This probably won't make things any better and it might get you into big trouble. Besides, you should try to act better than the person who bullies you.
- hurt yourself. Some kids who are bullied get so sad and depressed that they may try to hurt themselves because they think there is nothing else they can do. This definitely isn't the answer. Talk with an adult immediately and tell them how you are feeling. They can help stop the bullying.
- keep it to yourself and just hope the bullying will "go away." It's normal to want to try to ignore bullying and hope that it will stop—or hope that the person will start to pick on someone else. But, often, bullying won't stop until adults and other kids get involved. So, be sure to report the bullying.
- skip school or avoid clubs or sports because you're afraid of being bullied. Missing out on school or activities that you enjoy isn't the answer. You have a right to be there!
- think it's your fault. Nobody deserves to be bullied!
- think that you're a "tattle tale" if you tell an adult that you've been bullied. Telling is NOT tattling! It's the right thing to do.
Click here for my response...
Do you need help disciplining your child? If you're constantly arguing and fighting with someone more than half your age, tune in for a "Reality Check" with Life Coach and Contributing Author for MyOutOfControlTeen.com, Chandra Alexander, and learn why when you feel out of control - your child will be out of control as well.
1. If you have boundaries and discipline, so will your child. Boundaries make children feel safe.
2. Both parents need to be consistent and in sync with one another - children naturally play one against the other.
3. Do not say you are going to do something and then not do it. Children listen when they respect.
Online Parent Support
I’ve spent most of my day on your website, you have some wonderful information there. I will be doing the lessons week by week, but I admit to reading ahead. What I have not come across is any solution to what if the child does everything in their power to keep you from taking their things.. for example.. My daughter right now is without internet access, no cell and no t.v but she has an Itouch that she claims is in her locker, however I know it’s not, I’ve gone to her room and searched it to no avail. There are even times where she won’t actually hand over the things and I try not to let it get physical but it does sometimes. I took her computer power cord and she threw the keyboard across room smashing it into pieces. I told her she would not get another one until she paid for it herself. But I know she’s got that itouch somewhere. She’s 14 and extremely difficult.
This type of issue is addressed in the Anger Management chapter [Online Version]. But I do not recommend trying to implement a bunch on new parenting changes too quickly.
It sounds like you are in a power struggle over the Itouch. The more you focus on it, the more it becomes an interesting cat-and-mouse game to your daughter.
The best thing to do at this point is to simply continue to work the program one week at a time. Email me if you need any clarification once you’ve digested most of the material.
I look forward to hearing back,
Online Parent Support
---Hi M.… please look for my comments throughout your email below:
Thank you for your previous email. I know you said things will get worse and they have and I am not sure where we should go now… Our son is 17 years old and has just recently had more behavioral issues….we have had them all along but now they are getting more out of control and it is starting to have more of an impact on the entire family.
We have been working on assignments 1 and 2 and things were good for a while until yesterday. House rule is he is not allowed to sleep over at his girlfriend’s house and curfew is at 11pm. He went to an 18 and under club and was suppose to come home after (we knew it might be later than his curfew) instead went to his girlfriend’s house and when we called at 12:30 am her dad said he was asleep. My husband went over to get him to come home when things got bad and my husband threatened to call the police. Her dad intervened and our son left reluctantly.
Situation worsened at home and he won’t let us even say anything to him…even after a suggested time out on our part. We did not yell or raise our voice and we used a poker face but he won’t even look at us. How do you get your child to let you get a word in ... he just keeps talking and yelling…we get “shut up, I’m not talking to you…I don’t care and I hate you… I’ll walk out and you will never see me again…”
---Actually your son was right, you should have shut up (no offense). What I mean is, he knows what the rules are, and he knows he violated a house rule. There is nothing that needed to be said …and nothing that should have been said. When these situations arise, do not do any of the following:
- Explain your decision
- Defend your position
- Attempt to “reason with” your son
- Lecture (e.g., trying to “get a word in”)
- Display any emotion whatsoever (e.g., anger, frustration, irritation, worry, concern, fear, etc.)
- Fall for the accompanying manipulation strategies that your son is likely to employ
…if we tell him a consequence is that he will not get his cell phone then he says “Oh well, you will never here from me again”.
Do we tell him that is his choice?
Now I can’t even get the consequences in? Does he have to acknowledge that he heard the consequence?
How can we change house rules at this point…he left already this morning 5am to go to her house and said he would be back at 11pm. Those were the past house rules…do we impose a discipline anyway? When do you involve the police? Please let me know what you suggest I can’t live like this and I don’t want to push him out the door but I guess that would be his choice? Thank you for your time.
---I can see that your son successfully accomplished the goal of getting you to chase your tail.
Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook]. This is the technique you’ll need to use in the future. If you need any clarification on this technique, do not hesitate to email me again.
Hang in there. I think you are beginning to see a bit of success, even though it’s not traceable at the moment.
1st Do not allow anything to get in the way of you completing the 4-week program. Keep moving forward! Change is hard. Your son’s resistance is expected.
2nd Do not get cold feet just because he’s having a temper tantrum. Stand your ground. This is tough love. If you are willing to suffer through a few weeks of pain associated with the positive change that’s coming, then you’ll get over the hump and begin to see a gradual reduction in the intensity and severity of the parent-child conflict.
3rd I doubt that he would qualify for CHINS. I wouldn’t waste time with it. Your police friends are suggesting that your use fear-based motivation with your son. Fear-based motivation is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have no positive outcome - and could make a bad problem worse.
4th Let him have his “mad time.” Is he destroys property or becomes physically aggressive, then you absolutely must be willing to (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Anything less than this is using half-measures, which WILL be the kiss of failure.
My Out-of-Control Teen
I’m glad have purchased your book on “My out of control Teen.” I am actually a survivor of raising my own teens. One was gifted and one was learning disabled. What I do now is work with families in their home when a report of abuse has been made. I do intensive therapy with them for about 90 days 3-6 hours a week. I have found your book to help me help them in ways to ease the tension that has built up for a long time. The family that guided me to your book was a family with different mental illnesses (hate the labeling). Anyway I just want to thank you for your help and support. Parent’s need this kind of support since raising children is much harder now then in the past.
I'm glad that you are working with families this intensely. Feel free to use me as a consultant if need be.
My Out-of-Control Teen
The attention-seeking child is in need of more attention than most. She seems to have something to prove and doesn’t take as much pride intrinsically as she does extrinsically. This child may not have a sense of belonging. Try and understand the need - this child may have a low self-esteem and may need some confidence building. Sometimes the attention seeker is simply just immature.
· Always commend the child on her achievements.
· Provide her with a time that is just for her. Even a 2 minute period before or after dinner or a 5 minute period before bedtime that is "her time" can be very beneficial. Stick to it! Each time she looks for the attention, remind her of her specific time alone with you. In time - if you're consistent - you will see that this strategy works quite well.
· During the child's special time, take time to boost her confidence.
· Promote intrinsic motivation. Ask the child what she likes about what she did.
· Provide the child with responsibilities and a leadership role from time to time.
·Sit down with this child and explain to her that you have a number of children to work with each day.
Never forget that ALL children need to know you care about them and that they can contribute in a positive way. It took the child a long time to become an extreme seeker of attention. Be consistent, patient and understand that change will take time.
Online Parent Support
Further to my e-mail, my son has been moved to a group home dealing with kids in the juvenile justice system this weekend. We had the opportunity to pick him up and transport him (4 hours). It went pretty well, he was looking forward to getting out of the institution type setting. He will be there until May 30. We (me and his father/husband) are supportive of him, but we definitely want things to be different. Your online book so far couldn't hit closer to home. We are allowed to take him out on a weekend pass this weekend for 4-6 hours (we have to drive for 2 hours to get there). I have to admit I'm a little nervous and want to enjoy our time together without getting into conflict. I have been working through your book and am at the "high energy kid".
I was reading the part about medications for ODD & ADHD. He is on 2 types of medication and has been for 3 years. I've always been uncomfortable with it. My son does want to go off of it when he comes home and he's said he knows that at some point he has to learn to manage without it. While he was in the juvenile jail, they were going to try taking him off of it entirely and see how he manages, but they decided that this program would be more beneficial for him and didn't want to take him off once moved and have him possibly crash. Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?
We were thinking of seeing a movie and going out for something to eat. He would like to go to the mall and have us buy him something - ie. sunglasses which he doesn't need as he has 4 pair at home. I told him I would talk to his father and of course my husband told me "have the balls to say no" - you don't need to ask me because you already no the answer.
I guess that's my issue - he always comes to me and I do have a hard time saying no especially when he "gets in my face". As I won't be able to complete the entire book by the weekend, what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?
Also, how would you suggest handling a situation where he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad. I had told the staff he was not allowed to smoke (he's receiving treatment). He phoned me angry and tried everything under the sun for 10 minutes (he's quit for 6 wks while in the juvenile facility and wanted to) to change my mind, but I did stick to no without getting in too much of debate. I just hate that anger and manipulation. Its easier to say no on the phone. He doesn't seem angry anymore and still calls home.
Also, my husband isn't terribly interested in reading this book and is tired of always everything focused on our son, but like I've said to him, eventually he will come home and I don't want to continue doing things the way were doing them and for the miserable life we were living. I get the rolling of the eyes and "I don't want to talk about it right now". I know I can't change him, but how does only one parent make changes and have things change. He's at a point where he would like to throw the towel in and makes comments like "he hasn't made any changes" "he's just pulling the wool over everyone's eyes"
Thanks for your help and I'll keep reading - I wish I knew this 3 years ago.
Re: Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?
I need to know exactly what medication he’s on before I can make a recommendation here. There are some drugs that you must be extremely careful with when it comes to “weaning off.”
Re: what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?
I guess you haven’t got to the part of the program that talks about “self-reliance.”
In short, if you’re going to work the program as intended (which I know you want to do), your son must EARN everything. Thus, to buy him a pair of sunglasses goes against the grain of this program and is considered to be over-indulgence (a core issue and huge contributor to the problem).
Re: he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad.
Pick your battles carefully. Ignore it. Move on.
Re: but how does only one parent make changes and have things change.
My good guess is that your husband is being a hard ass in response to your being too soft. If you will toughen up a bit, your husband is likely to soften up a bit. Also, keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both of you is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.
Online Parent Support
I have been following the program and for the most part things have been going pretty well lately. D did get in a little trouble one day at school but that is way better than the daily calls I was getting!!!!! He has moments but over all doing much better.
However we had a major situation happen last night that I am at a loss of how to handle it!
I came home last night and my teenage daughter (18) approached me and confessed that she had some pot in her room (which by the way was a total shock -this is the "good kid") but the reason she came to me was that it was now gone- she said she left it on her bed on accident and left the house for about 15min and when she came back it was gone.
She said the only reason she was telling me and risking being in major trouble is because she was concerned because she certainly did not want her brother or any of his 3 friends he was playing with to have it- she said they are all to young Mom and I am so sorry.
Well I approached D and he swears he knew nothing about it- that him and his friends just played outside (because no one is allowed in the house if I am not home) except for he did let 2 of the kids on separate occasion come in and use the bathroom. My daughter did say that the boys did play outside for the short time they were at the house yesterday and the only time they came in the house would have to be when she left for that short period. I searched D and his room and did not find anything. I then called the other boys mother (who is one of my best and closest friends) and told her what happened. She approached her boys and they acted shocked but she searched their rooms and did find it in one of her son’s closets.
We are at a loss as to what to do- her sons are saying that D took it and must have hidden it in his closet (because after they all played at my house they went back to the other boys house to play). D is saying he does not know anything about it period- he did not know his sister had it - he did not take it- he does not know who took it. We are at a gridlock where no one knows anything. Isn't that amazing!
My question to you is - how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?
Needless to say we are all in shock and embarrassed - we are all really really good friends and its so hard that our kids have chosen to do this- hers / mine or all of them- its equally upsetting! Neither of us beleive that this was done alone and they are all in major trouble right now. BUT we are also very concerned about accusing all of them and treating all of them like lil stealing druggies if someone *is* telling the truth. One of her sons in particular has a jaded past so its easy to assume it was him - but we don’t want his past to precede him - cause its possible he did not do it- there were 4 boys after all.
We are *not* going to be passive parents on this but it very tempting to be very aggressive on this one!
The only person I know that is telling the truth - as ugly as it is- is my daughter. I am glad she did tell but I am furious that she even had it and had it in MY HOUSE and left it to where these 11-12-13 yr old kids somehow got it and it mysteriously landed in my friends kids closet!
Any idea you may have on how to find the truth would be greatly appreciated! Also how to discipline on something like this. Would this be take EVERYTHING for 3 DAYS type deal- is that too light? Also any ideas on how to earn back their privileges on something like this? We can’t say if you don’t have pot in your room for 3 days you can have your privileges - ya know? :) ... again just looking for some direction.
Re: how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?
I wouldn’t believe a word anybody said. Your daughter acted as though she was trying to be moral and ethical by telling you that she was concerned about the others using pot. The bottom line – she got busted and wanted her pot back. Her motive was purely self-serving.
Until you have hard evidence regarding who took the pot, you should not implement any consequences. The likelihood that you will get “the truth,” as you say, is very slim. I think you have lost focus on the original problem – your daughter was in possession of an illegal substance. You have bigger fish to fry than “flushing out truth.” I would shift the focus to your daughter’s potential drug abuse issue.
Please refer to the section in the online version of the eBook entitled “Questions From Exasperated Parents.” On that page, you will see what to do about Drug Abuse.
My Out-of-Control Teen
Thanks very much for sending the parenting sessions through. I have read and watched most of the sessions now and see how they can be effective. Our situation is that my son C (although never completely diagnosed) I have always felt shows signs of ADHD. He has always been immature in comparison to his peers but none the less feels that he is and should be treated as an adult.
As soon as he was 16 he decided that he wanted to leave home and since that time we have had one disaster after another. He became involved in recreational drugs but within a space of about 8 months was doing them to such a large degree he started to have psychotic episodes and now suffers from residual paranoia. He (I believe) has not taken anything now since about last October and is under the supervision of the Early Intervention Team for Psychosis and is taking an anti psychotic medication.
In the last 18 months he has started to take his A Levels twice, the first time dropped out due to his distractedness with the drug taking and repeatedly leaving home, then last September started at another college to try again and has now had to drop out on medical grounds because of the paranoia. The current situation is that he is at home most of the time, rarely goes out and uses his paranoia as (I feel) an excuse not to have to do anything that he does not want to, (which is most things other than occasionally meeting a friend for a couple of hours). He seems to have made an alternative world for himself on the computer on MSN and online games and if we are not at home I know he can easily spend 10 hours a day on line.
We have tried to help him find alternative interests but is not interested in trying anything so therefore has no other interests. When he was involved in the drugs he became almost obsessed with them and spent most of his time and energy when not taking them finding out as much as he could about them and even now sees this as something that he is proud of as he feels his knowledge on the subject is second to none.
We have another 10 year old son and for obvious reasons we are keen to make the atmosphere at home a happier one as C creates a huge amount of negative energy where he is angry and belligerent and sometimes depressed or swings to being silly, difficult and annoying. C wants to go back to college in September to start a media course but i do not want him to sit at home for the next 4 months as I feel that if he does he will fail again as he will not be ready to cope.
How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a very unhappy and frightened young man but seems to see us as the enemy whenever we try to help in any way, although always expects me to be there on demand when he wants something or things go wrong. He still has hopes of going to University so can see a future for himself but does not seem able to understand that he has to put the effort in to get there. He has a very good mind and can be a funny end engaging young man but his anger and resentment are hiding his true nature.
Your thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
You’ve mentioned several problems here. I’ll try to address as many as I can in the time I have.
Re: “alternative world for himself on the computer” —
Obsessively checking e-mail, playing online games for 10 hours or more at a time, placing more value on chat-room friends than real friends neglecting family, work and even personal health and hygiene... these are all symptoms of a new form of addiction that has surfaced only in recent years: computer addiction.
Creating a single definition for computer addiction is difficult because the term actually covers a wide spectrum of addictions. Few people are literally addicted to a computer as a physical object. They become addicted to activities performed on a computer, like instant messaging, viewing Internet pornography, playing video games, checking e-mail and reading news articles. These activities are collectively referred to as Computer Mediated Communication (CMC). Computer addiction focused on Internet use is often called Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD).
The various types of computer addicts have different reasons for their habits. Obsessive chat room use or e-mailing might fill a void of loneliness, while excessive viewing of pornography might stem from relationship problems or childhood abuse. The matter is further complicated by the fact that a computer is a useful tool. It's not like heroin for example -- there are many legitimate reasons why someone might spend hours using a computer. Even if someone uses a computer extensively for purely recreational purposes, that doesn't necessarily represent a real addiction any more than someone who spends hours working on a model train set, making quilts or gardening is "addicted" to those activities. Even the agreed-upon definition of addiction itself has evolved over the decades and remains a matter of debate in the medical community. In fact, the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association do not currently consider computer addiction a valid diagnosis, a controversy we'll discuss later.
As a result of all these complications, any single definition of computer addiction is necessarily broad and a little vague. If the computer use is so pervasive that it interferes with other life activities, and if the user seems unable to stop using the computer to excess despite negative consequences, the problem might be a computer addiction.
Much of our understanding of computer addiction comes from decades of research on other addictions, like alcoholism or gambling addiction. Psychologists have identified several danger signs for computer addiction. Any of these signs would be a red flag, and multiple signs could mean there's a real problem:
·Continued excessive computer use despite incurring negative consequences, such as marital problems or getting in trouble at work due to computer use
·Hiding the extent of computer use from family and friends
·Making conscious efforts to cut back on computer time and repeatedly failing
·Missing events or opportunities or failing at non-computer-related tasks because of time spent on the computer. This could include poor job performance or missing out on family activities
·Staying on the computer for much longer than intended, or not noticing the passage of time while using the computer
·Thinking frequently about the computer when not using it or constantly looking forward to the next opportunity to use it
·Using the computer as an escape when feeling depressed or stressed
Computer addiction can have a variety of negative effects on a person. The most immediate are social. The user withdraws from friends and family as he spends more and more time on the computer. Relationships begin to wither as the user stops attending social gatherings, skips meetings with friends and avoids family members to get more computer time. Even when they do interact with their friends, users may become irritable when away from the computer, causing further social harm.
Eventually, excessive computer use can take an emotional toll. The user gradually withdraws into an artificial world. Constant computer gaming can cause someone to place more emotional value on events within the game than things happening in their real lives. Excessive viewing of Internet pornography can warp a person's ideas about sexuality. Someone whose primary friends are screen names in a chat room may have difficulty with face-to-face interpersonal communication.
Over the long term, computer addiction can cause physical damage. Using a mouse and keyboard for many hours every day can lead to repetitive stress injuries. Back problems are common among people who spent a lot of time sitting at computer desks. Late-night computer sessions cut into much-needed sleep time. Long-term sleep deprivation causes drowsiness, difficulty concentrating, and depression of the immune system. Someone who spends hours at a computer is obviously not getting any meaningful exercise, so computer addiction can indirectly lead to poor overall physical condition and even obesity.
Eventually, the consequences of computer addiction will ripple through the user's life. Late-night use or use at work will affect job performance, which could lead to job loss. As the addiction takes its toll on family members, it can even lead to failed marriages.
If you're looking to curb your son’s computer use, here are some helpful tips:
·Enlist family members to help encourage your son to limit computer use. It might be too difficult to stop on his own.
·Install software to restrict access to Web sites that he visits compulsively. Keep the passwords for the software hidden.
·Make a list of things he could be accomplishing instead of wasting time on the computer, and post it prominently near his monitor.
·Make specific time limits. Set an alarm to go off in one hour and end computer time when it rings.
·Put the computer in a high-traffic area of the house. With others looking over his shoulder all the time, he'll be less likely to overuse the computer.
·Set aside "computer-free" parts of the day. If computer abuse starts after dinner and extends into the night, have him get all his computer work done in the morning – he can’t touch it after dinner.
Are there any family members who have Bipolar Disorder? I would strongly recommend that your son get a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation – if he has not already had one. There may be some underlying mental disorder that needs treatment.
Re: “How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation.” —
You need to rule out any possible mental disorders (e.g., bipolar, chemical dependency, schizophrenia, aspergers, etc.). Then you will know whether or not he’s (a) manipulating people or (b) suffering with some form of mental illness.
On a side note, teens who have a genetic predisposition to bipolar or schizophrenia run the risk of “triggering” the disorder if they use hallucinatory chemicals. Also, anti-depressants can trigger bipolar in a child with a genetic predisposition to the disorder. Thus, I would think that an evaluation by a Child-Adolescent Psychiatrist would be paramount.
A less worrisome possibility is that he may simply have a social phobia. Teens with social phobia are less adept in social interactions. Peer relationships, school functioning and attendance, and family functioning all suffer as a result of a social phobia.
Social phobia may have a combination of the symptoms listed below:
·Anxiety attacks when anticipating or attempting social interactions Fearfulness with peers as well as adults
·Avoidance of social situations
·Consistent and extreme fear of situations involving new people
·Depression or thoughts of not wanting to be alive
·Extreme fear of social and performance situations
·Reluctance to participate in ordinary outings or activities
·Severe distress in routine social situations
·Difficulty transitioning from home to school
·Refusal or reluctance to attend school
·Avoidance of activities with peers
·Other anxiety disorders, mood disorders such as depression, or behavior disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD
·Behavioral or cognitive side effects from medication
·Learning disorders and cognitive problems
Social phobia is treatable through ongoing interventions provided by a child's medical practitioners, therapists, school staff, and family. These treatments include psychological interventions (counseling), biological interventions (medicines), and accommodations at home and at school that reduce sources of stress for the child. Open, collaborative communication between a child's family, school, and treatment professionals optimizes the care and quality of life for the child with social phobia.
I would be willing to go into more detail regarding treatment of social phobia at a later date if you need more information.
Online Parent Support
Click here for my response...
Please look for these arrows throughout your email for my responses: ===>
First of all I can't tell you what a blessing your website has been to me. I was literally on the floor crying and praying that I would find something, someone to help me with my teenage daughter. I then got on the internet and typed in teen parenting and found your website. What a lifesaver it has been for me. Thank you so much.
Now, the problem I am currently having is....you say to only do one lesson a week. That would be okay but I feel like I'm in panic mode. I need to learn all this stuff really fast so I can start implementing it asap before my daughter totally loses it.
===> Only do one session per week. When parents implement a bunch of new changes overnight, it is often the kiss of failure.
Just to give you some background......she is a 16 year old girl who has decided overnight it seems that life is boring and she needs to spice things up a bit by hanging out with new friends, drinking, totally disrespecting us as parents, etc..... She is in full force rebellion.
When we (my husband and I) found out she was drinking (by reading her texts) we grounded her for a month.
===> As you’ll discover when you get entirely through the program, 7 days is the absolute most you should ground – but 3 days works best! I’m not going elaborate since this is all covered in the eBook.
Now my life is hell. She hates me and has said some very hurtful things to me. I don't like the kids she's now hanging out with, she doesn't want to go to church anymore. She has changed overnight. I know she's planning on sneaking out and/or running away. I took your parenting test and am sad to say I scored a 90.....I've been way too overindulgent. She's the only girl of 4 boys and has been the princess of the house. Now I'm trying to change everything and I am so stressed out. I've been good about not showing my emotions to her but inside I'm a mess.
===> Peer group influence falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. You will do well to discern what things you can and cannot control …and then focus on those things you can control. Who she is “hanging with” is beyond your control (unless you want to lock her up somewhere).
So I guess the questions I have are.....Was I wrong for reading her texts? Should I continue to do so?
===> If she bought her cell phone and is paying the bill, then yes. If not, then no.
I have now lost all trust in her cause she lies constantly so I feel the need to read them so I can know the truth of what she's up to.
===> The larger issue here (as you will discover) is: What is she doing to EARN cell phone privileges?
Also, is a month too long a punishment for drinking?
===> Without a doubt.
And should I forbid her to see these friends?
===> You won’t be able to sufficiently control this.
What if she does sneak out?
===> Warn her up front that if she sneaks out, you will file a runaway charge.
There's one boy in particular that I'm afraid she'll end up having sex with based on their conversations and right now that's the last thing I need.
===> The only person she will truly listen to will be another female (younger than 21-years of age) who got pregnant at an early age. If you know anyone like this, maybe she can fill your daughter in on the huge responsibility associated with early pregnancy (e.g., immature father who bails out of the relationship due to the stress involved; financial strain; inability to further education, etc.).
===> Here are the stats:
Teen pregnancy is bad for the mother...
· There are serious health risks for adolescents who have babies. Common medical problems among adolescent mothers include poor weight gain, pregnancy-induced hypertension, anemia, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and cephalopelvic disproportion. Later in life, adolescent mothers tend to be at greater risk for obesity and hypertension than women who were not teenagers when they had their first child.
· Teen pregnancy is closely linked to poverty and single parenthood. A 1990 study showed that almost one-half of all teenage mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child. The growth in single-parent families remains the single most important reason for increased poverty among children over the last twenty years, as documented in the 1998 Economic Report of the President. Out-of-wedlock childbearing (as opposed to divorce) is currently the driving force behind the growth in the number of single parents, and half of first out-of-wedlock births are to teens. Therefore, reducing teen pregnancy and child-bearing is an obvious place to anchor serious efforts to reduce poverty in future generations.
· Future prospects for teenagers decline significantly if they have a baby. Teen mothers are less likely to complete school and more likely to be single parents. Less than one-third of teens who begin their families before age 18 ever earn a high school diploma. Only 1.5% earn a college degree by the age of 30.
Teen pregnancy is bad for the child...
· Children of teenagers often suffer from poor school performance. Children of teens are 50 percent more likely to repeat a grade; they perform much worse on standardized tests; and ultimately they are less likely to complete high school than if their mothers had delayed childbearing.
· Children of teens often have insufficient health care. Despite having more health problems than the children of older mothers, the children of teen mothers receive less medical care and treatment. In his or her first 14 years, the average child of a teen mother visits a physician and other medical providers an average of 3.8 times per year, compared with 4.3 times for a child of older child-bearers. And when they do visit medical providers, more of the expenses they incur are paid by others in society. One recent study suggested that the medical expenses paid by society would be reduced dramatically if teenage mothers were to wait until they were older to have their first child.
· Children born to teen mothers suffer from higher rates of low birth weight and related health problems. The proportion of babies with low birth weights born to teens is 21 percent higher than the proportion for mothers age 20-24. Low birth weight raises the probabilities of infant death, blindness, deafness, chronic respiratory problems, mental retardation, mental illness, and cerebral palsy. In addition, low birth weight doubles the chances that a child will later be diagnosed as having dyslexia, hyperactivity, or another disability.
· Children of teen mothers often receive inadequate parenting. Children born to teen mothers are at higher risk of poor parenting because their mothers - and often their fathers as well - are typically too young to master the demanding job of being a parent. Still growing and developing themselves, teen mothers are often unable to provide the kind of environment that infants and very young children require for optimal development. Recent research, for example, has clarified the critical importance of sensitive parenting and early cognitive stimulation for adequate brain development. Given the importance of careful nurturing and stimulation in the first three years of life, the burden born by babies with parents who are too young to be in this role is especially great.
· Children with adolescent parents often fall victim to abuse and neglect. A recent analysis found that there are 110 reported incidents of abuse and neglect per 1,000 families headed by a young teen mother. By contrast, in families where the mothers delay childbearing until their early twenties, the rate is less than half this level - or 51 incidents per 1,000 families. Similarly, rates of foster care placement are significantly higher for children whose mothers are under 18. In fact, over half of foster care placements of children with these young mothers could be averted by delaying child-bearing, thereby saving taxpayers nearly $1 billion annually in foster care costs alone.
And bad for us all...
· Teen pregnancy costs society billions of dollars a year. There are nearly half a million children born to teen mothers each year. Most of these mothers are unmarried, and many will end up poor and on welfare. Each year the federal government alone spends about $9 billion to help families that began with a teenage birth.
· Teen pregnancy hurts the business community's "bottom line." Too many children start school unprepared to learn, and teachers are overwhelmed trying to deal with problems that start in the home. Forty-five percent of first births in the United States are to women who are either unmarried, teenagers, or lacking a high school degree, which means that too many children - tomorrow's workers - are born into families that are not prepared to help them succeed. In addition, teen mothers often do not finish high school themselves. It's not easy for a teen to learn work skills and be a dependable employee while caring for children.
· The U.S. still leads the fully industrialized world in teen pregnancy and birth rates - by a wide margin. In fact, the U.S. rates are nearly double Great Britain's, at least four times those of France and Germany, and more than ten times that of Japan.
A new crop of kids becomes teenagers each year. This means that prevention efforts must be constantly renewed and reinvented. And between 1995 and 2010, the number of girls aged 15-19 is projected to increase by 2.2 million.
You may want to share the above info with your daughter.
Stay in touch,
MarkMy Out-of-Control Teen
Thank you for your wonderful programme. I have a 13 year old son who is not only strong willed but also bright. I have struggled for years with him using conventional methods, which have never worked and I could not figure out why. Just hearing you say that the conventional methods for "normal" kids do not work on the strong willed child was a relief for me!! Thank you so much for saying that.
My husband and I are now realising - because of what you have said about the fact that these kids want to zap your energy and get you mad and annoy you etc that this is exactly what this child loves to do!! We have been feeling like we are going under for some time. I really want this method to work because I do not know what else to do! I am using the fair fighting method - not necessarily the time out though - for all instances of disrespect, swearing at me, talking over me etc. Would that be right to do or should I only use that method when he is mad and give him time out first? He argues every point and will not do as he is told in most instances. He has already told me that "this method, whatever it is is not working. Don't treat me like a baby, I will not say back to you what you have just said etc and on and on it goes. I then go back to stating the "When you, I feel etc in a calm voice until he gives me the answers that are required.
Am I doing this correctly? I really appreciate you help and it is great to have someone to talk to regarding this so I can get it right and reap the benefits.
Re: I am using the fair fighting method…
As I think I mentioned on that page in the audio part, this method is best used for prepubescent children (before puberty). I would not recommend using it with a 13-year-old.
The strategy that will work best in the situation you described is in the Anger Management Chapter – but you should not use that technique until week #3! You just signed-up yesterday.
Please only do session #1, along with session #1 assignments this week – nothing more for now.
Stay in touch. Thank you for working the program as intended.
Online Parent Support
Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among teens, but it can become a serious issue in troubled teens. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling adolescent's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any adolescent who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.
In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. A teen might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing the parent that he or she is "free," a grown-up, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a teenager to continue to see sex in such an emotionally immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents