She has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school...

Dear Mark

I am writing after firstly downloading and reading your article on 'Out of Control Teenagers' and wished I'd had this manual a few years ago.

I have a fifteen year old daughter 'L___' and a ten year old boy 'C___'.

Since L___ reached the age of 12 and onwards I have had an uphill daily struggle and battle within our home. She has pushed the boundaries full scale and more.

In brief, she has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school, arguing and walking out of class and school, to the point of near exclusion from that school, running away from home, threatening suicide and cutting herself (due to mixing within a cult of what we calls 'Emo's' who seem to be into all this and self harm).

From this, I decided to (before she was expelled) moved her to an all girls grammar school (just starting into Year 9 and because her grades being an A and A* student at this point, secured her a place and fresh start). L___ did not really settle due to leaving friends behind but did go for the first 6 months with no truancy.

However, I then decided to move house so that we would be closer to her school and where I worked, to an area which probably was not ideal to the situation and L___ started once again truanting and running away.

Her behaviour escallated to a point where if I tried to stop her from running away or leaving the house, she would just start to smash things up until I opened the door and let her go.

The police have been involved over the last 3 years, social services have been involved (a pointless exercise), harbour drugs people, I have tried to have her attend councilling to which she refuses to attend. L___ has been under the Youth Offending Team here for four months, after I pressed charges for the third time in relation to her smashing up the home and assault on myself and her brother.

I am at present in the process of being taken to court for not getting my Daughter to school, as the law here puts all responsibility onto the parent in getting your children to school or a fine could be implemented, as could a stint in jail. The Education Officer is aware of how hard I have tried to get L___ to go to school and does not particularly want to take me but has to his job.

My daughter constantly answers me back, calls me verbally abusive names, has told me even recently that if she had a knife she would kill me, as she hates living with me and wishes I would kick her out. Then in the space of a few hours could be trying to sit next to me on the sofa expecting me to give her a cuddle (but purely to get around me for some thing or other).

I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked.

She has fallen so far behind with her studies, she is now at a C Grade or ungraded, and it makes my heart ache to think she has the ability but can not seem to apply it.

Would rather just sleep in late, hang around, not help around the house, but expects money to be forthcoming etc.

I am a single parent and have brought them up single handedly since L___ was 5 and C___ 18 months, with little/no help from there dad who is only in the country on approx 2 to 3 weeks a year. He is financially supportive, but no help really on the discipline matters.

Everybody from friends to family, authorities and even her own friends have said they can not understand why she is like she is and that she has a fantastic mother.

I begin to wonder.

I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already. One thing is for sure, when she is sixteen, I am entitled then to throw her out, not something I wish to do, but if it will teach her a hard lesson, then that is what I will have to do.

Any further help would be appreciated

This is only some of what I have had to go through, and probably a bit all over the place. Sorry had to crack it into half hour lunch break.


N.

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Hi N.,

Re: I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked. … I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?

2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?

5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?

6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?

8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?

9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?

13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Are You Making a Bad Problem Worse?!

Hi Mark,

First, thanks for your great ebook and website. I realise I had been very unclear as a parent and started on the assignments with a sense of relief. Things did get worse before they got better but I am very pleased that I did not lose my cool or get drawn into arguments and we started to settle down and my 11 year old son S__ said that he felt so much better because he knew where he stood.

But our new-found calm was shattered by something that happened at school. A boy accused my son of something that he did not do and said that he was going to fight him. S__ alerted a member of staff but they didn't act in time and S__ got beaten up. Since then he has not been back to school.

The school has been apologetic and admits that they let S__ down by not acting quickly enough. They have offered various strategies to try and settle him back into school but he is hysterical at the thought of going back.

As I want S__ to be happy and to feel he has some choice in the matter, this is what I am doing. (we live in the UK, by the way.) The Education Welfare Officer has been to see us and has suggested two other schools that might be better for S__, so we are going to see these schools. She has also put me in touch with a network of people who educate their children at home so I can see what's involved. This is my least favourite option as I am a freelance writer/editor and I work from home, so I'm quite worried about combining the two things. But home education is S__'s favourite option. I am also going back to talk to his original school, though S__ is refusing to come with me.

We are coming up to school holidays so there will be a bit of breathing space, but I am just very worried about S__ because he seems so depressed. Every bit of confidence has been knocked out of him. He won't go outside the house in case anyone asks him why he isn't at school or looks at him oddly. He is so unhappy. I too am unhappy and depressed and can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. We are both completely demotivated.

I did try taking him bowling to cheer him up, but it didn't work as he seemed to have lost the knack and felt even worse about himself. I need to find some ideas to boost his confidence. He has stopped looking after his pets, which is putting a real strain on me. The only thing we are managing to do every day is walk the dog.

I have a daughter who is 14 and happy at school but I feel bad that I'm not giving her enough attention.

The children's father died three and a half years ago.

S__ and I do talk, but he tends to speak in sweeping generalisations so that there's nothing I can focus on to help with, eg 'my life is over' 'my life is ruined' 'I'll never be the S__e again'.

I have found a counsellor who he will speak to and he has seen her twice, but because these are confidential sessions I don't really know what's happening - although I do know she will be talking to him about his education next week.

Click here for my response...

How is it going to work?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

This is Patty and I just purchased your e-book on out of control teens. I have some questions. For online presentations and support do I just go to the website? Do I need a password? How is it going to work? Do I automatically have access? I am confused.

Please let me know thank you.

Patty

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Hi Patty,

For Online Presentations, go to the Online Version of the eBook.

Re: support. There are 3 ways to get support—

1) You can go to the website and type a question in the chat room. If you have questions about medication, direct your question to David McLaughlin, MD. If you have questions about a specific child or adolescent mental disorder, direct your question to Julie Kennedy, Ph.D. Direct all other questions to me. We usually return your chat messages within 24 hours.

2) You can go to the website and type your question in the text box where it reads Post to Online Parent Support Blog. Here you will get feedback from other parents going through much of the same parent-child problems as you.

3) You can email me.

You do not need a password. Just go to the Online Version of the eBook. You'll land on the Contents page. Start with "Introduction."

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to email me.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I heard two thuds in the house...

Have recently signed up and have been reading and trying to implement some of your ideas. Today was not a good day at all. My son has a fixation on the xbox system and spending money to enhance his game supply. Today while trying to visit my mother who is in the hospital, and taking my father along, (both in their 80's). L originally said he would go for the visit, now refused to go because he did not get his way of wanting me to spend money on a second TV to enhance his X box lan system to show off to his friends what he has. After I said no, and left to pick up my father, outside, I heard two thuds in the house, I've heard these before and knew that he had just busted either the thermostat or the phone off the wall, it was the phone. He denied doing it on purpose… he said he fell going back to his room, tripping on his pj's.

My brother has been trying to see my side of the story for many years as most of the family on both sides say that we have not raised him right. My brother has now seen the light but I still feel he thinks that we are at fault for his disorder. Diagnosis ADHD, ODD, BIPOLAR AND PDD.

Meds have not helped at all although we keep trying to find something to mellow his anger, we are never right and he IS always right, we know nothing, he knows everything. After this episode and talking with my brother as well as L talking to my brother there was no remorse for his behavior or even any thoughts that I missed seeing my mother at the hospital, L’s thoughts of not getting his way took priority over my mother and father. When we brought this up to him he started to feel bad but the TV came right back up to the forefront of the conversation. This lasted for about two hours.

The family consists of me the father, my wife, daughter 16 and L 19, 20 in November. Daughter is an A student and says to get rid of him. I feel that she as lost so much because we have had to put so much time into his bad behavior, wants and needs. It turns my stomach to take him to the hospital as a 302, but every one says I should not have to put up with this type of behavior any more, and let him go residential.

I have been a staunch advocate for L, knowing there is a good side, but 95% of the time I'm running myself ragged and having to put up with his behavior problems that our family life is going to hell.

I'm going to continue to read but ------

Thoughts from you would be helpful.

L.

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Hi L.,

This sounds like all the other stories I hear. You are not alone. In fact, you would shocked to know just how many other parents are going through the same nightmare.

I think the best advice I can give you today is to simply continue to work the program – one week at a time. According to your invoice, you should be digesting Session #2 this week and preparing to implement Session #2 assignments.

Once you get through the four-week program, please email me again with some specific questions.

Thanks,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have hope for the first time in a long time...

Well, D has expressed a desire to go back to his aunt's. He has also done some crying. (That is a good thing) I believe that you can release emotions through anger, and crying. So, he has calmed down some. He is still determined to get back to L's. I explained that he has to finish out his school, and that we have to mend as a family unit. I gave him a small goal of visiting again this weekend. I gave him something to hold onto. I don't want to see him blow his brains out.

I am working on a chore list for all of us. He came upstairs and laid down on my bed and talked to me. I am worried about him struggling with depression. This is not the first time that he has been depressed. Depression also runs in my family, that is why I am calling his pediatrician tomorrow for some direction in that area.

I have hope for the first time in a long time. I have some bumps to deal with along the way, but for the most part, I think we are on the right track.

I know I mentioned military school, but his goal is to become a marine. So, it's not a punishment as it may appear. That is so you can understand where that came from.

Thanks again.

C.

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Today has been a much milder day. That is after we had to insist that he go to school. He was pleasant, we remind him that we love him, and that everything is going to work out. Romans 8:28 We know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, according to His purpose.

Tonight I am handing out household chore list. Putting the past in the past, and looking toward the future. Thanks again

C.

J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for returning my e-mail.

Regarding my previous e-mail about my son going off his medications, he is taking .5 mg risperidone in the morning and 2 mg at bedtime. A well he takes 2 mg of Adderall in the morning. If he still wants to go off of it, would this be a good idea. He said when he comes home he would like to try taking a natural supplement, called "Empower Plus" by Truehope. I'm not sure he has the responsibility yet to work with their counsellors online to do this. I know of this product from two other people who have OCD and bipolar and it has helped them immensely.

I've done the first assignment at this point. To give a little background for this question, J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home which is still part of the Young Offenders to complete his sentence until May 30. On Saturday we received a call from the group home stating that J was returned to the Young Offenders Centre on a disciplinary bounce for up to 15 days for smoking a marijuana joint while he was out on his 15 minute walk. They told me his eyes were glassy and bloodshot and his hoodie smelled strongly of mariuana. Of course, he denied it and made a big fuss...got angry, cried, denied, you have no proof. He was given the choice of them escorting him or the police and he agreed to have them escort him. He called us last night, and still denied that this happened, but that in fact he had bought a joint and had smoked it before but not that time. I said to him, consider you made a mistake and you slipped, learn from it and if you get to go back think about how you would do it differently. He said he definitely wants to go back to AADAC and see a counsellor to help prevent him from slipping. The thing that bugs me, he still isn't taking responsibility for his choice and lying about it. I have no reason to believe that the workers at the group home would lie. He's telling only a half truth. I also told him that it doesn't matter if it was this time or another time the responsibility for your decision is yours. I got the "ya but". How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth. He seems to have a warped perception of circumstances and not only this time. He says things that he feels others want to hear, but I'm not sure he really wants to follow through (that's by his actions)

Also, now that I have started the assignments, I'm trying to use some of the tools and saying things differently. Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home. When he is at the group home, if he's earned it he can go out on a pass with us. He told me on the phone last week that he found it difficult to talk to me because I was acting wierd. I find our situation a little different because he's not at home right now.

The group home staff have suggested to us last week that maybe J won't be ready to come home on May 30 to serve his community supervison at home and we need to have a discussion about that with him. (the judge ordered that children services be involved and find a home for him once his custody is finished). The reason for this is his not willing to follow their rules around the smoking and our rules. He can have permission from us and we've continuously said no. I get the I'm really stressed and smoking is a way to cope and you won't give me that. Its and addiction and I don't understand that. This has been a battle (on the phone) sometimes with him hanging up. I keep telling him the answer is still "no". What I’ve said to J is maybe you won't be ready to come home. He has stated a few times he's coming home on May 30 and I'll say maybe you won't be ready. I'm struggling with this because we do love him, however we cannot not live like we were again. I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

Thanks for you help.

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth?

Don’t “encourage,” simply issue a consequence whenever he’s caught in a lie.

Re: Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home?

Yes.

Re: I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

You’re attempting to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. This is a form of over-indulgence.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep him in the dark. Put it out on the table and be totally honest with him about what’s going on, and preface your “details” by telling him that he is loved unconditionally regardless of how he behaves -- now and forever.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Stepmom Problems

Mark, I have recently found and joined your OPS. I have a 15 yo son that came to live with me when he was 12. His mother is best described as an overindulgent parent. He was also exposed to her habit of distorting the truth to suit her needs. He learned and has told me that no matter whether wrong or right she always gets what she wants. She will go months without calling him. My son will not open up to anyone. He seems to have the traits of a "scapegoat and a lost child". He has approximately 15 of the 20 traits from your Indulgent parent quiz. I am more in line with an authoritarian parent. Needless to say i have made a multitude of mistakes as a parent. I am also a 13-year police officer with a 50/50 mix between patrol and specialized units.

That said the current problem is that my wife (his step mom) and my son have a very contentious and volatile relationship. Saturday while I was asleep my wife got onto my son about something and he announced that he was leaving. She grabbed his bag and told him that he was not taking the items that he had packed. He shoved her and either kicked her in the leg or stepped on her leg.

My wife woke me telling me that he was leaving and that I needed to get a hold of him and that he had pushed her. My immediate response was to try to calm everyone and get the story of what had happened. Instead it was a lot of "I hate her, all she does is ...".and "I'm tired of his crap all he does is cause problems...."

Things got calmed down and I was able to get some of the frustrations lined out. I spent the day trying to come up with a discipline for him later that evening my wife suggested grounding him to his room w/out tv, ipod, cell, etc..

Now she is upset and resents me because she feels that I did not stand up for her by either pushing/attacking him or whipping him. The more she thinks about it and talks to relatives and friends, the more frustrated she gets. I feel that the physical discipline would give him the "reward" that he seeks. I have no problem with corporal punishment, however he seems to genuinely appreciate it. My wife has commented numerous times over the years that she doesn't understand how he acts perfectly normal, even happy after getting a whipping. But now she is upset that I didn’t mete out some type of corporal punishment to him even after the fact, yesterday or today. I feel almost helpless, nothing I have tried has worked and I can't convince my wife that we are doing the right thing now. I know there is a small window to get him turned around and I am afraid of losing another chance.

Click here for my response...