Out of Control Daughter

Good Morning Mark,

I have finished the 4 weeks and have used some of the suggestions. Everything "sounds" good but much harder to implement. Anyway, I have a couple of questions at this point.

Before we started the course, we had pretty much taken away "all" of my daughters "stuff" and "freedom". Over the last 4 weeks, we have been looking for reasons to give things back so we can get on track. However, things keep coming up: she gets caught not telling the truth, skipping class at school, being late at school and not turning in assignments.

I feel like I can't give her "stuff" and "freedom" back when things keep coming up - and I have lost any leverage with her at all for future offenses. Do you have a suggestion?

Secondly, as a parent, what is your opinion about reading our kids e-mail, etc.? We have found things out this way in the past. The problem with this is that if I find something, I usually end up trying to circumvent the situation - it is very hard to let her make the mistake when I know what she is going to do before she does it.

Thirdly, I have reason to believe that she is going to try smoking pot. If I find out that she does and we tell her that next time we will call the cops. I am worried about following through with that threat because I don't want her to have a record later in life. Do you know what kinds of repercussions are typically involved?

Thanks for your time,
N.

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Hi N.,

Re: I feel like I can't give her "stuff" and "freedom" back when things keep coming up - and I have lost any leverage with her at all for future offenses. Do you have a suggestion?

This "piling up" as you call it is addressed in SESSION #2 [online version of the ebook] under the section The Art Of Saying ‘No’ …look for Q & A - On Discipline [right side of page].

Re: Secondly, as a parent, what is your opinion about reading our kids e-mail, etc.?

Safety should always come first. Parents need to do whatever they must in order to ensure this safety. If that means reading the teen's journal, then so be it. If that means looking through dresser drawers or looking at their internet history, so be it.

Parents often make the mistake of trying to be their teen's best friend. The problem with that is parents are not meant to be their teen's best friend. They are meant to be parents...guiding forces that set boundaries, give consequences, and help the teen get ready for adulthood. It isn't always a pretty job...but it is a very necessary job. To turn a blind eye can put a teen's very life in danger.

Does this mean that parents need to always be suspicious of their teen? Of course not. However, if parents see clues that something is amiss in the life of their teen who will not open up, it is probably time for the parents to do some detective work.

Re: I have reason to believe that she is going to try smoking pot. If I find out that she does and we tell her that next time we will call the cops. I am worried about following through with that threat because I don't want her to have a record later in life. Do you know what kind of repercussions are typically involved?

I don't have much to add other than the recommendation in session #4 [under "Read These Emails From Exasperated parents" - online version of the ebook]. To ignore that recommendation is to employ "half-measures". Also, a juvenile's record is expunged and thus, does not follow them into adulthood.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen