When “Trying Harder” Makes It Worse — Stepping Out of the Escalation Trap
This post offers general educational guidance for parents and caregivers. It is not medical, legal, or mental-health advice and does not diagnose your child. If behavior creates safety concerns, seek support from qualified professionals or emergency services. There’s a moment most parents of defiant kids recognize instantly—the point where you realize you’re working harder than your child. You’re explaining more clearly, reminding more often, enforcing more firmly… and somehow everything is getting worse. I want to say this gently and clearly: when defiance escalates, effort alone isn’t the answer. In fact, pushing harder often tightens the knot. This chapter is about learning when to stop pushing, how to step out of the escalation trap , and why less intensity often leads to more cooperation. Vignette: Melissa, Josh (9), and David It’s a weekday evening, and Josh is supposed to shower before bed. “Ten minutes,” Melissa calls from the hallway. Josh doesn’t respond. The TV vo...