Parents' Tips for "Sibling Bullying"

Dear Mark. My daughter is using your advice and is very happy and has gained a new confidence already. It is a great relief for all of us. My daughter J___ today called me down (she lives close by) because of a problem associated with her daughter (my grand-daughter). The grand-daughter refused to do as she was told and so J___, as a punishment, took her computer from her. Which was OK but then the problem-daughter B___ started bullying her little sister, taking her venom out on her. That's when J___ called me down because some violence erupted as a result of J___ trying to keep the younger sister out of it all. B___ is 13 years old. She is adopted and her step-father will have nothing to do with her. In fact the step-father is prepared to show hatred if the opportunity arises. So B___ has had a bad time in her youth and we have all been trying to help her because our sympathy is with her. Still, she cannot keep getting out of control. What do you suggest about B___ bullying her younger sister when she is being punished herself. My compliments. ~ A.

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Hi A.,

Bullying should only be verbal. Physical aggression or real meanness between siblings is a sign of displaced angry feelings.

Although the child being victimized appears to get your sympathy, that child needs to learn an effective defense, which you can teach.


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Implementing what is known as the Talk-Walk-Squawk rule in your household can be effective, especially in empowering younger children who are being bullied.

Talk - The child being bullied should be taught to use words of empowerment to their siblings such as “stop” and “I’m not afraid of you.”

Walk - The bullied child should then walk away from the scene.

Squawk - The bullied child should tell a parent or a trusted adult about the incident. It’s important to make sure they know this is not “tattling” but a way to work on a solution to their problem.

Countering the bullying-behavior includes:

· Help each child learn skills for handling their emotions – They may not understand or know a better way to express their disappointment, hurt or anger.

· Making sure each child adheres to the rules – There must be clear consequences when breaking the rules and you must be consistent in your enforcement of these consequences.

· Making sure each child knows the household rules – There should not be any hitting or pushing.

Here are a few questions that may help in that process of understanding the bullying behavior:

· How is the child’s home life? Children do learn by example and even though it may be difficult for some parents, an honest assessment of their home environment is necessary.

· Have your child’s circle of friends changed? Any new friend in the picture? Never under estimate the influence of other children. Your child may now be newly exposed to the power of bullying – on the giving end or receiving end. This includes cyber-bullying.

· Has your child had any major lifestyle changes such as moving to a new neighborhood/school, death of close relative, parental divorce or remarriage? Your child may be acting out his frustration and difficulty dealing with their emotions on anyone they can.

· Does the bullying sibling focus on only one child? This may be sibling rivalry gone awry and it could have more to do with you (getting your attention) than with the child he/she bullies.

Given the normal amount of teasing and bickering in any family, it can be difficult for parents to know where to draw the line. Ideally, we want our children to learn to work out disagreements among themselves. But when is adult intervention necessary?

Here’s a good rule of thumb: 

Behavior that would be unacceptable between two unrelated children is unacceptable between two siblings. When one child intentionally and consistently hurts or frightens a smaller or less powerful sibling, that’s bullying — and it needs to stop.

Refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook] for specific steps.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


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Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...?

Hi Mark,

I found your website in my search for guidance on handling rage-filled, rebellious teens. I am sure I'm not in a unique situation, (though it feels like it) and wondered if your information would help when it's a divided home setting.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, my husband got custody of his 4 children when his youngest was 3. Their mother walked out on them. I married him when she was 5, and was mother to all of the kids. The 2 oldest refused to see their bio mom (at about ages 13 and 14 - she mentally and physically abused them, alcoholic, addicted to prescriptions due to a back injury, you get the picture). The middle child saw bio-mom about 40 days a year (per parenting agreement) until she was 13 then refused to see her (drunk, bringing strange men over, etc.). Our youngest, out of all the children though, has steadfastly seen bio-mom, and 2 years ago wanted to start living there 1/2 time and with us 1/2 time when she was 11. She is now 13.

She has been struggling with her sexuality, and has had major upheavals with her friends. She is full of anger and if anyone (family or friend) does something she doesn't like, or agree with, she explodes. A "girlfriend" apparently liked another girl, and that set her off and she downed 10 Tylenol, then told us, so she was taken to the ER and then to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. During that stay, she announced she wanted her mother to be her legal guardian and to live there full time. This was at the end of November of last year.

During this whole timeframe, and months previously, she's been in therapy for counseling. It's not doing any good. The therapist will say she won't accept responsibility for any of her behaviors or any of her actions. And if she doesn't want to get better, she won't.

About 10 days after she got out of the psychiatric hospital, she was at our house. And she lied one lie too many. My husband and she had a major blow-up and he was tired of the disrespect. She threatened to run away, and he thought "take her to her mother's or have to call the police". So he took her to her mother's. And though we've tried repeatedly to have sessions with her, with the counselor, trying to arrange family dinners (she has siblings that she is also not seeing and rarely talking to as well), all she does is blame us. We kicked her out. We don't love her. Yadda. But we also know that she is at her mother's because there is no discipline at all. She hangs with the wrong crowd over there, her mother is on morphine and about 4 other "prescribed" meds so is in zombie land most of the time, her grades are the worst they've ever been (currently flunking 4 classes), and of course, we're to blame because we kicked her out of the house. She's getting into in school suspensions, being disrespectful to her teachers, etc.

The therapist says for my husband (as our daughter's rage is directed at him personally) to continue reaching out to her as it takes away her excuse -- if we are trying to see her and she's the one refusing, then she can't blame us. I guess that is the theory anyway.

My dilemma is this: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you, and who are being (I think brainwashed) by the ex-spouse who is just as angry and bitter at being divorced, and having 3 of her children do to her what this last one is doing to us? To me, our youngest daughter is a possession for her. A prize. A way to get additional monies from us each month. The bio mom wants to be the cool mom. The friend. The come hang at our house mom. The mom who lets high school kids take her child in their car and our daughter doesn't even know them -- but hey, they are a ride to a school event because zombie mom can't drive her. Sorry, I digress.

Can one-sided attempts by us using your information somehow get through to our daughter? All we can do is email or text her, and she doesn't respond. She is sinking fast, is on medication herself for depression, and I'm just at my wits end. Therapy is a joke and she's heading for disaster. Her sisters say she's a punk and they are tired of her b.s. and don't want to even talk to her. And if they do, it's all about safe subjects.

If you have any ideas, or even direction you can point me to for help, I'd SURE appreciate it.

Thanks so much in advance for your time and help,

B.

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Hi Beth,

Re: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...

If your child does not live with you, but is dependent on you financially, partially or fully -- the program will work. Otherwise, it probably won't.

Mark

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