Anger Management for Parents of Defiant Teenagers

"Hi Mark, I have been following the course now for 4 weeks. There have been many improvements, but the hardest part for me (single mom) is remaining calm and keeping a Poker face and I am continually mentally beating myself up as a failure. Are there any other pointers which will assist me in keeping calm and a poker face?"

Every parent has been there at least once (and usually dozens of times). Your youngster does something that flips a switch inside you, and in a single moment you transform from a reasonable mom to a raging b____. Learning how to control anger is a skill that can save you from reacting inappropriately with your kids. In addition, watching a mother or father deal effectively with angry feelings teaches children ways to cope with their own emotions.

Here are 25 tips that will help parents manage their anger:

1. "I," not "you"— Avoid attacking your youngster with "you" statements—"You are such a slob!" or "You'll never learn." Instead, think in terms of "I": "I don't like picking clothes up off your floor every day" or "I get upset when we're not on time." These are less hurtful and inflammatory.

2. Be Honest With Your Children— Being honest about how you feel can be a huge relief! It's okay to acknowledge to your kids that you are angry. In fact, they probably know this already. You'll want to keep in mind, though, that being honest does not mean telling them the details they don't need to know. You can simply say, "I'm feeling angry right now, but I'm working through it, and I know things are going to get better soon."

3. Carry a tape recorder— When you feel yourself about to blow, turn it on. If you explode anyway, play back the tape and imagine yourself as the youngster on the receiving end.

4. Confide in a Friend— Get together with someone you trust and pour out your broken heart. It may be difficult to share some of the pain out loud, but think about this: If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to be there for your friend? Let someone in and share how you're feeling. Chances are, you'll feel a whole lot lighter.

5. Create a Space for Dealing with Your Anger— Let's face it. As a single parent, you don't get a lot of time to yourself. Add to that the fact that you're probably trying to conceal some of your emotions around the children, and holding it all in can take a heavy toll on you. Try to create space in your life for processing your feelings. Close your bedroom door and have a conversation in front of your mirror, or sit in the living room after the children have gone to bed and listen to some music that you identify with.

6. Eat healthy and exercise. Release tension by laughing with your kids instead of having a temper tantrum. Make time for fun.

7. Exit or wait— When you feel your anger getting the better of you, briefly withdraw from the situation until you calm down. Step out of the room, count to ten, go to your bedroom, and close the door—whatever it takes to restore your cool.

8. Expectations and Experiences From the Past Can Trigger Anger— One very important step toward learning how to control and defuse your anger is to uncover the assumptions and expectations you have of your kids and the way they should behave. Often these expectations come from your own childhood. If you were raised in a family where kids were expected to clear their plates before leaving the dinner table, you may find yourself feeling upset if your children don't want to eat what you serve them. Understanding how past selves influence current behavior is an important step in learning anger management skills.

9. Get Moving— Physical movement is a great way to deal with anger. Make time in your schedule for regular walks, whether that's putting the baby in a stroller first thing in the morning, or getting out of the office on your lunch hour. It's a perfect opportunity to be alone in your head, and the fresh air and exercise will provide added benefits.

10. Give Yourself Permission to Be Angry— Chances are, if you're feeling angry, it's for a good reason! But sometimes we make it harder to process our anger because we don't recognize it. Are you angry? What about, specifically? This may feel odd, but try saying that out loud to yourself. "I'm angry because..." How does that feel to you?

11. Implement a schedule, but allow some flexibility. Kids need a schedule as much as you do. An easy way to start is by putting them to bed on time every night.

12. Let Go of the Shame— It's okay to be angry about going it alone. That doesn't make you a bad parent! On the other hand, being angry and not recognizing it can hurt you and those you love. That anger is going to come out, one way or another. Naming it is the first step toward dealing with it in a healthy way.

13. Make yourself and all family members accountable for lashing out— Institute a "no losing it" rule to make children and moms aware of the times they go ballistic. But do it with a light touch. For instance, make a chart and tack on a sticker when one of you has an outburst. If one family member is accumulating a lot of stickers, it's time to talk about it.

14. Put it in writing— If you are too angry to speak, don't. If your youngster is old enough to read, express your feelings in writing. Sometimes just the time required to find pen and paper will help you to cool off.

15. Recognize what the problem is— Is it really your youngster's messy room? Or are you sleep-deprived? Feeling overwhelmed at work? Mad at your husband or mother or boss? Be aware of when you are more vulnerable to anger and resist the urge to transfer negative feelings to your youngster. 

16. Remember That You Can Choose to Change— Angry feelings often arise when a person is shamed, criticized or feels trapped. Lashing out in anger or burying angry feelings may feel like the only option in the moment, but it doesn't really change anything. The key to really changing behavior is to use emotions and feelings as tools and guides for learning.

17. Restore good feelings— When you do lose it, reconnect with your youngster as soon as possible. That may mean saying you're sorry and giving a hug and kiss to a younger youngster. For an older youngster, you may want to offer an explanation of why you were angry along with an apology. Don't worry that apologizing will diminish your authority—it won't. It shows your youngster that you respect him and teaches him that everyone can be wrong sometimes.

18. Spend time away from the kids. Schedule special times with your spouse or friends. By having a scheduled “date” with your spouse at least once a week (even if just for a couple of hours) you feel refreshed.

19. Spend time in prayer.

20. Stay in the present— When your youngster makes you angry, don't work yourself into a tizzy by listing every offense he has committed in the past week and is likely to commit in the future. Stick to the issue at hand.

21. Take a Time Out for Yourself— If you find yourself in a situation where one of your buttons has been pushed, try removing yourself from the situation for five minutes to allow yourself the time and space to cool down. This is especially helpful if you already use time outs with your kids, and it can be valuable for them to see a parent using time outs as a way of calming down instead of a punishment. Before you begin, explain to your kids what you are doing and why, then go to a room with a door that closes and take several deep breaths. Visualize yourself dealing with the situation without losing your cool, then go out and do it.

22. Take care to get proper rest. Take a nap or bubble bath when your youngster naps.

23. Talk to your spiritual leader or a trusted, experienced friend, or an older parent if you feel highly stressed or like you are "losing it."

24. Use cognitive therapy— This technique is sometimes used to calm fearful fliers. Analyze your thoughts and put them in perspective. (Fliers learn that their fear is of crashing, not flying. And since crashing is unlikely, their fear is not reasonable.) Ask yourself—when your kids are fighting, say—if it's really that horrible. Think of the situation as aggravating but normal behavior that merits a calm, rational parental response.

25. Write it Down— Even if you're not a person who typically enjoys journaling, you may find it extremely helpful to get the anger out of your heart and mind by putting it down on paper. Sometimes it's even helpful to write a letter you never plan to mail, telling the person at the center of your angry emotions how they've hurt you and why you're angry.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"Discipline Tips" for Troubled Teens

If you are feeling fed-up with your teen’s behavior, you’re not the only one. Surprisingly, your troubled teen may be feeling just as fed-up with her behavior. A hostile teenager’s violent acts do not empower her, but leaves her feeling like she has little or no control over herself.

The period of adolescence hurtles a number of mental and physical changes at your teenager. If she has a strong foundation, which comes from your set rules and structure at home, then you can expect that she will be able to deal with these changes more easily and possibly never have to enter into a stage of hostility. If you do not provide a set structure for her to latch on to, then it is like she is plunging through fast-paced adolescence without a seat belt.

You may have noticed that as your youngster has grown from a toddler in her terrible twos to a teenager equipped with mood swings, applicable discipline has been more difficult to enforce.

By the time they reach the early teens, they might not care anymore if they get denied dessert after dinner or not. Nonetheless, there are still some applicable consequences, which may prove useful in disciplining your troubled teen. Here are just a few to get you started:

1. Allowance— The power of money can indeed be a useful tool for a mom/dad. Denying allowance as a consequence of defiant behavior can be utilized as well as giving bonuses when good actions are recognized.

2. Clothing— The way your teen dresses is a big part of his/her expression of individuality. By forcing certain types of clothing on them (for example khaki pants instead of grunge leather), you may prompt them to act in a particular way which is to your liking/approval.

3. Freedom— When your teen displays his maturity and responsibility, you may choose to respond with the opposite consequence and reward his positive actions with more freedom. By just making his curfew time an hour later than usual, you can encourage your youngster to keep at it with his display of responsible behavior. By showing them that you recognize that they are a youngster growing into an adult, you will motivate a sense of positive growth.

4. Grounding your Youngster— Taking away some of your teen’s freedom (like not letting them go out with friends on Friday night) may be just what they need to wake up and recognize that their behavior has been unacceptable.
 

5. Material Things— A teen’s possessions can be of dear importance to her. By taking away certain items of significance, you can attempt to one’s control behavior.

6. Phone Privileges— A teenager’s peers are one of his main priorities. When you deny him phone privileges, you can expect results as this is not just a penalty they can easily ignore.

7. Time Together— Sometimes what a troubled teenager really craves for inside is just some quality time with a mom/dad. The warmth of care from a parent to his youngster has genuine beneficial effects on a teenager’s behavior.

8. Transportation— As soon as your youngster is old enough to have a student permit, his use of wheels is of prime importance to him. By restraining him from using the family car or making him use public transportation instead, you may have a firm hold over his behavior.

9. Trust— You must show your youngster the significance of a bond of trust between mom/dad and teen. When he commits a mistake which leads to a loss of trust on your part, then it would prove beneficial to think up possible ways or deeds he can do in order to gain your trust again.

10. Your Presence—Teens care a lot about their image and a mom/dad’s constant presence can be exactly what can prompt them to shape up.

If your teen’s mood swings control the entire atmosphere of your family, then you may be feeling at your teenager’s mercy. It is definitely difficult to deal with a hostile teenager, but parents must not be off in one corner feeling sorry for themselves because their efforts go by unnoticed. This is the time when your efforts should double, triple even, if your initial efforts do not take effect on your troubled teenager.

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