How to Withhold Privileges

Losing privileges is one of the few behavior shapers you never run out of. Children will always want something from you. For this behavior modification technique to have a good chance of preventing recurrence of misbehavior, the youngster must naturally connect the withdrawal of privileges to the behavior.

Here are some good examples:

• “If you choose to ride your bike over to your friend’s house without asking permission, you also choose to lose your bike for 2 days.”
• “Since you dawdled and missed the morning carpool, you can walk to school.”
• “You get caught driving drunk and you lose your license.”

Here are some bad examples:

• “Since you decided to come home late for supper, you cannot watch any TV tonight.” (What does withholding television have to do with being home in time for supper? ...the child wonders.)
• “If you keep picking on your sister, you will not go over to your friend’s house to play basketball later.” (Not much of a connection here either.)
• "If you refuse to do your homework, you will get out there and pick up sticks in the yard."

Withholding privileges can work if it is part of a “pre-agreed upon” behavior management strategy decided on during a family meeting. Moms and dads state the behaviors they expect from their children and announce that part of the fun of being a parent is granting privileges to the children so they can have some fun too. But if the children don't hold up their end of the bargain, the parents cannot grant those privileges. So, being home in time for supper gets you the privilege of a half-hour of video games rather than the ‘video game time’ being an inalienable right of every citizen in the household.

Losing privileges is an effective form of discipline used to show kids that all privileges come with responsibilities and must be earned; therefore, when your youngster misbehaves, you can use the withholding method by temporarily removing an object or activity (e.g., video game, playing with friends). Before taking away the valued object or activity, explain to your youngster what you are doing and the reason for your action.

The amount of time the object or activity should be withheld solely depends on the level of misbehavior. Parents will want to “make the punishment fit the crime.” For example, if your child violates curfew by 30 minutes, “one-day grounding” would make sense because (a) there is an easily understood connection between “not coming home” (violation) and “being grounded at home” (consequence), and (b) being grounded one day for every 30 minutes the child is late seems reasonable by most standards.

Here are a few additional things to keep in mind when you use this withholding technique:

o  Be aware of what your youngster can and cannot do. Kids develop at different rates. They have different strengths and weaknesses. When your youngster misbehaves, it may be that he simply cannot do what you are asking or he does not understand what you are asking.

o  Be sure you can follow through on your promise.

o  Choose something that your youngster values that is related to the misbehavior.

o  For kids younger than 6 or 7 years, withholding privileges works best if done right away. For example, if your 5-year-old misbehaves in the morning, do not tell him he can't watch TV that evening. There is too much time in between, and he probably will not connect the behavior with the consequence.

o  Learn from mistakes—including your own. If you do not handle a situation well the first time, do not worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently, and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your youngster, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your him/her a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

o  Never take away something your youngster truly needs (e.g., a meal).

o  Once you make a rule or promise, stick to it.

o  Work toward consistency. Try to make sure that your rules stay the same from day to day. Kids find frequent changes confusing and may push the limits just to find out what the limits are.

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When Your Child is a Chronic Complainer

You may have children who whine a lot. They may tattle on their siblings, complain about things that you’re not doing right, cry about house rules, moan and groan about school, etc. Part of their “acting out” is this kind of constant annoying level of voicing grievances. What do you do?

Establishing a Grievance Time—

Set up a “grievance time” (e.g., after dinner). This is a time where you’re going to sit down with these children for five minutes – and that’s their time to register complaints. That’s when they get to tell you what’s really on their mind. You may even instruct them to keep a journal so they can keep track of grievance and write them down. So, something goes into their “grievance journal,” and then in grievance time, you take the time to explain it to them and point things out to them.

But…

This approach is a much more focused situation in which they can’t pretend not to understand or pretend not to hear. The great thing about the use of grievance time is, if the kids start “bitching” at 3:00 PM, you can say, “Write that in your grievance journal please, and we’ll talk about it at the grievance time.” In this way, the parent gets a way to defer the complaint and do what is called a “redirect.” You are effectively redirecting the kids to another task instead of the task that their complaining about – or instead of complaining about you.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Help Resolve Complaints—

The ability to solve problems can be broken down into two separate but related parts:

• Analysis: this is the ability to break a problem down into its sub-parts and look at these closely to see how they fit together.

• Synthesis: having broken the problem down into its sub-parts, put the parts back again in such a way as to make sense of the original problem we are tackling.

The two aspects of problem-solving, analysis and synthesis, are vital steps towards a proper understanding of how to tackle problems. However, it has been found that many young people have great difficulty applying these steps. They fail to appreciate that problems can be broken down into more manageable blocks and tend to see them globally – as a whole – rather than in an analytical sense. As parents, there are a number of steps we can take to help our kids grasp this point:

1. After kids have generated their ideas and alternatives, help them evaluate the consequences. For example, “What might happen if . . .? Would it be safe? Would it be fair? How would everyone feel?” Parents should encourage kids to evaluate their ideas and see why they are acceptable or unacceptable.

2. Allow your youngster to fail. It hurts to see your youngster suffer or struggle, however the most important lessons are learned through our mistakes. Unless you youngster is in physical danger, allow them to learn cause and effect. A skinned knee, although sad, is just a skinned knee. Your youngster will learn that the behavior that caused the skin knee should be adjusted for future. Like my mom told me, you touched the stove once and never did it again. A youngster does not understand a stove is hot until they touch it themselves no matter your warning.

3. Ask for a decision. After kids evaluate their ideas, parents should restate the problem, summarize their ideas and let kids decide which actions they would like to try. If kids choose an idea that you think will not work, make sure they know what their alternatives are and what they should try next.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Ask your child if he has any ideas for how to solve his problem. If your child can suggest a possible solution, encourage him to implement them and report back to you. Some children simply need a little support and are happy to handle their own problem. If your child can’t suggest a possible solution, tell your child that you’re not sure how to solve the problem and wait for his response. He will likely be perplexed at your admission that you don’t have an answer. After all, parents are the source for answers! After he gets over his shock, try redirecting the conversation back towards helping your child come up with his own solution. By covertly putting the ball back in your child’s court, you empower him think of a possible solution and encourage him to implement it.

5. Be patient. Allowing your kids to problem solve can be frustrating. Most parents give in, not because they want to fix their kid's problems per say, but it's just easier and faster to fix the problem yourself. Don't give in. You will do your youngster a disservice.

6. Generate alternatives. Help kids stay focused on their problems and ask what they can do to reach their goals. When kids offer alternatives, repeat their ideas and ask them what else could be done. Don’t criticize their ideas. Instead, prompt more solutions by asking the kids questions. If they cannot think of alternatives, ask them to imagine how someone else might handle the situation.

7. Get the facts and identify feelings. When kids are fighting, angry, frustrated or upset, identify the problem. When asking kids to tell you their problems, you need to be calm and nonjudgmental. Kids see things from their own perspectives and may be completely unaware of how their actions affect other kids. Helping kids identify their own feelings and recognize the feelings of others is an important step.

8. Have your child explain the situation. As he talks, listen to his full explanation without interjecting your own thoughts or asking clarifying questions. This way your child will have an opportunity to voice all concerns without feeling he was cut off.

9. Help kids set the conflict-resolution goal and define what they want to happen in the situation. When kids have clear goals, it’s easier to think of solutions.

10. Make suggestions. Instead of fixing a problem, offer alternatives that your youngster can do to fix the problem. Don't constantly give them what they need. Give them options, and they will gradually learn that there are alternatives and choices to get out of a tough situation.

11. Repeat aloud your child’s concerns, asking follow up questions, as necessary, to make sure you understand the problem. By repeating his concerns, you allow him to feel that his words and concerns are important and you validate his feelings. In many instances, children simply want to feel that their concerns are heard and valid, so this approach may, on its own, help your child calm down.

12. Whether your child thought of a solution on his own or needed a little direction, check in with your child to see how his solution worked. Celebrate with him if the solution was a success (e.g., a “high-five” or hug) or offer support and begin brainstorming once more if the problem was not entirely solved.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Negative Effects of “Nagging”

Moms and dads often engage in nagging techniques because they need their children to do something and because they believe their persistent requests, demands, reminders, and threats of negative consequences will influence them to do what they want.

What most mothers and fathers fail to realize is that even when nagging does work (which is always just a temporary ‘fix’), it usually ends up leaving both sides with negative feelings about the whole matter.

“I told you to pick that up.”

“How many times do I have to remind you?”

“Will you stop it?”

“You need to have a better attitude!”

“If I have to tell you again, you’re going to your room.”

Chronic nagging will chip away at a youngster's self-worth over time. Studies show that nagging does not improve behavior – it actually worsens it. Nagging is especially defeating in kids with a poor self-image. Nagging and repeating commands make kids nervous. Some kids exhibit more than their fair share of negative behavior, but constantly reminding your children produces more negative behavior. It is better to purposely pick out some redeeming qualities and concentrate on the positives (e.g., "I like the way you ignored your brother when he was trying to pester you”). You will see the “negatives” melt away.

It's really important to understand how nagging affects everyone involved. For one, nagging says to your youngster that he is either unable or not responsible enough to do what you've asked of him without being reminded. It may be true, but what happens is this: children will start to internalize this belief and live up to the expectation that they are irresponsible. They begin to believe that they can't do it rather than they won't do it.

The other thing about nagging is that it sounds more like a demand than a reasonable request. Demands are inherently inconsiderate because it tells the person that her feelings absolutely don't matter. It's also very disrespectful. You're effectively "pulling rank" and making the child feel powerless and inferior. If you can imagine having a superior at work demanding rather than requesting something of you, then you will understand what negative feelings this might bring out in your youngster. Rebelling and defiance become a natural reaction to nagging.

In addition, nagging can give children a false sense of power because they learn they can make you upset and amplify your nagging to ridiculous levels by holding out. The longer they wait the more powerless and upset you feel because your words continue to lose influence. You react by nagging some more, which causes them to wait even longer, and the vicious cycle goes on and on.

There are a few things you could do in the place of nagging that might benefit everyone involved. The first is to come to a reasonable agreement on what needs to be done and when. Make sure that an understanding of the consequences is communicated clearly but gently and be prepared to follow through with those consequences if the agreement is not met (which will likely occur often at first). Many children will make agreements too easily just as a way to postpone what needs to be done. They may also get defensive or upset even at a simple request. Rather than reciprocate the negative attitude, make it easy for them to discuss their objection so that an agreement can be made. Once you've come to an agreement, resist all urges to hint, remind, re-ask, or demand.

The key to end nagging is to change your own attitude to certain situations. Repeating the same request over again does nothing for you or your youngster. Try these tips for a new perspective:

1. Are you expecting more of your youngster than he can reasonably deliver at his stage in life? Listen to other moms and dads when they discuss everyday life. You’ll learn about what other children are doing and can use this as a guide. Of course, every youngster is different, but knowing roughly what to expect will help you pitch your expectations accordingly.

2. As with other areas of parenting, “positivity” can go a long way when you’re caught in the nagging trap. If you can’t avoid mentioning what your youngster didn’t do, try to counter-balance this with acknowledging a good thing that he did. Perhaps he forgot to brush his teeth again, but he did wash his hands. Make a big deal out of what he did well and your nag can just be a sideline.

3. Everyone likes to receive praise. Instead of concentrating on what your youngster isn’t doing, focus on the times when he does cooperate. Implement a star chart, with a small reward after a certain number of stars are achieved. If he forgets to hang up his coat as you asked, mention that next time he hangs up his clothes, he’ll get a star on his chart. A star chart is a positive, visual incentive to good behavior.

4. If all else fails and you really want to make a point, refuse to get drawn into any other discussion until your youngster cooperates. The prospect of being ignored is often enough to spur him into action.

5. If you always nag your youngster to get dressed after breakfast, change things around. Encourage him to dress first then have breakfast. With the prospect of food, he might be more likely to cooperate.

6. If you don’t listen to your youngster’s wants and needs, you can’t expect him to consider yours. Nagging stems from a youngster not listening to a parent, and that parent feeling frustrated. So, when your youngster has something to say, give him the attention you’d expect him to give you. Then, when you want to ask something of him, you’ve already set a positive example.

7. If you feel your youngster no longer listens to you, it could be that he has simply become immune to the same demands. If you’re constantly asking your youngster to tidy up, put things in a more positive way. For example, instead of saying: ‘Tidy this room, it’s too messy to move in here.’ Try: ‘Shall we tidy up together, and then we’ll have more room to do this jigsaw?’ If you get involved yourself, the task may seem less overwhelming to your youngster.

8. Pick your battles. Driving home the idea of road safety is never wasted. But do you really need to make a point about every crumb dropped on the floor? Decide what issues are most important to you as a parent and concentrate on these.

9. Remember that a youngster can’t always see the reasoning behind the things a parent wants him to do. So, if you want him to get dressed in the morning, explain that once he’s dressed, he can go outside to play. Or if you’re constantly asking him not to step off the sidewalk, tell him that you wouldn’t want him to get hurt by a passing car.

10. Sometimes a bit of light relief is all that’s needed, rather than repeating your request for a tidy room yet again. Stage a pretend fall over a toy which has been left on the floor. Most kids love slapstick humor and the distraction can be enough to get the job done.

‘Stopping nagging’ is hard for some moms and dads to do because they actually fear what would happen if their youngster does not come through for them. This could range from something as minor as the dishes sitting in the sink longer than they should to not filling out college applications before the deadline or taking their medication. The fear or frustration may be so strong that mothers and fathers will either give in to the urge to nag – or end up doing it themselves. This is probably the worst thing you can do since all it does is reinforce the irresponsible behavior and teach children that they can get out of responsibilities by just waiting long enough. Instead, be patient and show that you have confidence in your youngster even at the risk of her not coming through. You may be surprised.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents