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Understanding Teen Engagement in Public Violent Protests: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents

In recent years, the landscape of civic engagement has evolved, with young people increasingly participating in protests to express their views on social justice issues. This trend often escalates into violence, leaving many parents feeling anxious and uncertain about how to respond when their teenager becomes involved. To effectively guide your teenager through this complex situation, it's essential to understand the underlying motivations for their actions and adopt constructive strategies for engagement.

#### The Context: Understanding Why Teenagers Participate in Protests

Today's teenagers are often more politically and socially aware than previous generations, influenced by a wealth of information accessible through digital media. They are increasingly passionate about issues such as racial equality, climate change, police reform, and more. However, this passion can sometimes lead to reckless decisions, including participation in violent protests. Understanding the factors at play can help parents navigate their concerns:

1. **Social Influence and Group Dynamics**: Adolescents are notably susceptible to peer pressure and the influence of their social circles. If friends and classmates are participating in a protest, a teen may feel obligated to join, sometimes prioritizing the desire for social acceptance over their values or judgment.

2. **Emotional Turmoil and Impulsivity**: The teenage years are marked by significant emotional development, and many adolescents struggle to manage intense feelings effectively. A sense of frustration regarding societal issues can boil over during protests, leading to aggressive behavior as a misguided attempt to express their discontent.

3. **Identity Exploration**: The quest for identity is a winding journey during adolescence, and many teens gravitate towards activism as a means to assert their beliefs. They seek connection with movements that resonate with their values, often feeling a heightened sense of urgency to affect change.

4. **Rebellion Against Authority**: The teenage years are also characterized by a natural inclination to challenge authority and societal norms. Such rebellion can manifest in participation in protests, particularly if the movements oppose perceived injustices enforced by established structures.

#### Effective Strategies for Parents

If you learn that your teenager has taken part in a violent protest, it is crucial to tackle the situation with care and intent. Here are detailed strategies to guide your approach:

1. **Initiate an Open Dialogue**: Begin by fostering an environment where open communication is welcomed. Rather than starting with accusations or panic, invite your teenager to share their experiences and feelings regarding the protest. Ask questions such as, “What motivated you to join?” and “How did you feel during the event?” This can help you understand their perspective while demonstrating your willingness to listen.

2. **Educate on the Power of Nonviolent Protest**: Engage your teenager in conversations about the historical significance of nonviolent movements. Share examples such as Martin Luther King Jr.'s Civil Rights Movement or Gandhi’s activism for Indian independence. Discuss the effectiveness of peaceful protests in bringing about significant change, helping them connect the dots between methods and outcomes.

3. **Explore Positive Outlets for Activism**: Encourage your teenager to explore various ways to engage in social issues constructively. Suggest volunteering at local charities, organizing community awareness campaigns, or participating in peaceful rallies that align with their beliefs. Provide them with resources or opportunities within your community.

4. **Address Emotional and Psychological Well-being**: Recognize if their involvement in protests may signal deeper emotional struggles. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist who specializes in adolescent issues. Professional guidance can empower your teenager to process their emotions in healthier ways.

5. **Establish Clear Boundaries**: While it’s critical to respect your teenager's autonomy, setting clear expectations regarding behavior is equally important. Explain the potential legal repercussions of violent actions, and underscore the importance of personal safety, not only for themselves but for their peers as well.

6. **Stay Informed About Relevant Issues**: Equip yourself with knowledge about the societal issues that provoke your teen's passion. Staying current with news articles, documentaries, and reliable online content can help you initiate meaningful conversations and allow you to provide informed guidance.

7. **Be a Role Model for Positive Activism**: Demonstrate the values of civic engagement by actively participating in community service, attending public discussions, or advocating for causes you believe in. Your actions speak volumes, showing your teenager that it’s possible to engage passionately and peacefully.

8. **Encourage Critical Thinking**: Cultivate your teenager’s ability to analyze information constructively. Teach them how to discern credible sources from misleading narratives, especially when consuming information on social media. Empower them to make informed decisions about the causes they support and the methods they endorse.

9. **Recognize When Further Help is Needed**: If your teenager continues to engage in risky behavior or shows signs of emotional distress, it may be time to involve additional support systems, such as school counselors or local activist groups. These resources can provide your teenager with additional perspectives and support outside the family dynamic.

10. **Maintain Ongoing Connections**: Keep the lines of communication open, regularly checking in on your teenager’s thoughts and feelings regarding societal issues. Make it clear that their opinions matter and that discussing their passions can foster mutual understanding and respect within the family.

Involvement in public protests can be a significant and passionate expression for teenagers, but when those protests escalate into violence, it often signifies underlying issues that must be addressed. As parents, your role is to guide, educate, and support your teenager in navigating their beliefs and actions. By fostering an open dialogue, encouraging constructive activism, and instilling critical thinking skills, you can help them grow into responsible advocates for the causes they believe in, contributing to positive change without resorting to violence.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Help for Distraught Parents of Defiant Teenagers: Discipline Methods That WORK!

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

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Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

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The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

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Understanding the Tragedy of School Shootings: Factors and Motivations

School shootings are among the most horrific events that can occur within educational institutions, prompting deep societal concern and calls for action. While each incident is distinct, several common factors and motivations often emerge when examining the reasons behind these tragic acts.

Understanding these underlying issues is crucial in working toward prevention and creating a safer environment for students.

#### 1. **Psychological Factors**

Many perpetrators of school shootings exhibit signs of psychological distress or mental health issues. Common traits include:

- **Alienation and Isolation**: A significant number of shooters feel disconnected from their peers and society at large. This alienation can lead to a desire for recognition, often manifested through violent means.

- **Depression and Anxiety**: Mental health struggles, including severe depression and anxiety, can contribute to a disturbed worldview during critical developmental years.

- **Desire for Attention**: Some shooters may resort to extreme violence as a means of gaining notoriety. The media coverage that follows these tragic events can reinforce the notion that such actions will leave a lasting impact.

#### 2. **Family Dynamics**

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The family environment plays a vital role in shaping a child's behavior and mental health. Factors might include:

- **Domestic Violence**: Exposure to violence at home can normalize aggressive behavior and desensitize children to the severity of violence.

- **Lack of Support**: Families that fail to provide emotional support or exhibit neglect can leave children feeling unsupported and desperate, leading to harmful coping mechanisms.

- **Parental Influence**: In some cases, children may model violent behavior seen in adults or may have parents who exhibit extreme ideologies, impacting the child's views and actions.

#### 3. **Social Environment**

The school and community context significantly influence a student’s behavior. Factors include:

- **Bullying**: Victims of bullying may feel helpless and retaliate violently when they perceive no other options for resolving their pain.

- **Peer Influence**: In some instances, peers may glorify or encourage acts of violence, which can lead susceptible individuals to commit acts to gain acceptance or status.

- **Social Media Impact**: The portrayal of violence in media and online platforms can desensitize individuals to real-life consequences, contributing to the normalization of aggression.

#### 4. **Access to Weapons**

One critical factor often cited in school shootings is access to firearms:

- **Gun Culture**: In many regions, firearms are easily accessible, providing potential shooters with the means to carry out their plans.

- **Lack of Gun Control**: Loopholes in gun legislation can allow individuals, including minors, to acquire weapons without background checks.

#### 5. **Cultural and Societal Influences**

Cultural narratives surrounding violence can shape attitudes and behaviors toward aggression:

- **Media Representation**: The glorification of violence in movies, video games, and news reporting can influence young minds, blurring the lines between fiction and reality.

- **Desensitization**: Constant exposure to violent acts may desensitize individuals to the impact of their actions, reducing empathy towards victims.

#### 6. **Desperation and Crisis Events**

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In some cases, school shootings may stem from acute crises in a person’s life, such as:

- **Personal Trauma**: A recent traumatic event, such as a breakup, loss of a loved one, or academic failure, may push an individual beyond their coping limit.

- **Crisis of Identity**: Adolescents often struggle with identity; a perceived crisis can lead to extreme actions as a form of expression or rebellion.

#### 7. **Prevention Strategies**

Addressing these issues requires a comprehensive approach that includes:

- **Mental Health Resources**: Increasing access to mental health services in schools can help identify and support at-risk students.

- **Education and Awareness**: Educational programs that foster empathy, communication, and conflict resolution skills can help prevent bullying and promote a positive school culture.

- **Policy Changes**: Advocating for stricter gun control measures and safe storage practices can reduce the risks associated with firearm accessibility.

- **Community Engagement**: Encouraging community involvement and creating support systems can nurture safe and inclusive environments for youth.

Understanding the reasons behind school shootings is a complex and multifaceted endeavor. It demands a societal commitment to investigating root causes and implementing preventive measures. By recognizing the psychological, familial, social, and cultural factors at play, we can work towards fostering safer educational environments and, ultimately, preventing future tragedies. It’s essential to engage in open dialogues, promote mental health awareness, and seek collaborative solutions that prioritize the well-being and safety of all students.

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The Best Diet for Teens with ADHD

Understanding that teenagers with ADHD often face unique challenges that can be influenced by diet and nutrition can empower parents and caregivers. Finding the best diet for teens with ADHD is an important consideration for those who want to support their overall well-being and manage their symptoms effectively.

Following a balanced and nutritious diet can give parents and caregivers a sense of control in managing ADHD symptoms in teens. Research suggests that certain dietary changes can have a positive impact on focus, behavior, and overall cognitive function. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, there are some general dietary guidelines that can benefit teenagers with ADHD.

1. Limiting Sugar and Processed Foods:
   High-sugar and processed foods can lead to fluctuations in blood sugar levels, which can affect attention and energy levels. Encouraging teens to limit their intake of sugary snacks, sodas, and processed foods can help stabilize their energy levels and reduce hyperactivity.

2. Emphasizing Protein-Rich Foods:
   Including lean proteins such as poultry, fish, eggs, and legumes in the diet can provide a steady source of energy and help maintain focus and concentration. Protein-rich foods can also support the production of neurotransmitters that play a role in mood and cognition.

3. Incorporating Omega-3 Fatty Acids:
   Omega-3 fatty acids, found in fish, walnuts, and flaxseeds, have been linked to improved cognitive function and may benefit teens with ADHD. Adding sources of omega-3 fatty acids to their diet, either through food or supplements, may help support brain health and reduce symptoms.

4. Including Fruits, Vegetables, and Whole Grains:
   A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains provides essential vitamins, minerals, and fiber that support overall health. These foods can contribute to a steady release of energy and provide important nutrients for brain function.

5. Identifying Food Sensitivities:
   Some individuals with ADHD may have sensitivities to certain foods or food additives that can exacerbate their symptoms. Keeping track of any potential food triggers and consulting with a healthcare professional can help identify and address specific dietary concerns.

In addition to these dietary recommendations, it's important for teenagers with ADHD to stay properly hydrated and maintain a consistent eating routine. Encouraging healthy eating habits, such as eating regular meals and snacks, can help stabilize their energy levels and support their overall well-being.

Ultimately, the best diet for teens with ADHD is one that focuses on whole, nutrient-dense foods while minimizing potential triggers. Working with a healthcare professional or a registered dietitian can provide personalized guidance and ensure that any dietary changes align with the individual needs and preferences of the teenager. This collaboration can bring a sense of reassurance to parents and caregivers, knowing they are on the right track in managing ADHD symptoms and promoting the overall health and wellness of their teens.

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The Negative Consequences of Strict Parenting: Tips for Parents with ASD

Some parents on the autism spectrum can be overly-strict with their children. In this article, I'll be discussing the negative consequences of this style of parenting. It's important to understand that while discipline is necessary, being overly strict can have detrimental effects on a child's development.

One of the consequences of strict parenting is that it often leads to limited emotional expression in children. When parents are too strict, children may become afraid to express their true emotions, fearing punishment or rejection. This can hinder their ability to develop healthy emotional skills and can even lead to emotional suppression later in life.

Strict parenting can also result in low self-esteem in children. Constant criticism, harsh punishments, and unrealistic expectations can chip away at a child's self-confidence. They may start doubting their abilities and develop a negative self-image. This can have long-lasting effects on their sense of self-worth and overall happiness.

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Overly strict parenting can hinder a child's ability to develop independence. When parents control every aspect of their child's life, it leaves little room for them to make decisions and develop problem-solving skills. As a result, they may struggle in adulthood when faced with real-world challenges and decision-making.

Children raised by overly strict parents often face difficulties in building social skills. Strict rules and limited freedom can make it challenging for them to interact with their peers and establish meaningful relationships. This can lead to feelings of isolation and hinder their ability to navigate social situations effectively.

Strict parenting can contribute to higher levels of anxiety and stress in children. Constant pressure to meet unrealistic expectations and the fear of punishment can create a highly stressful environment. This can have a negative impact on their mental health, leading to anxiety disorders and other stress-related conditions.

Overly strict parenting can result in rebellion and resentment in children. When they feel suffocated and controlled, they may resort to rebellious behavior as a means of asserting their independence. This can strain the parent-child relationship and create a hostile home environment.

Strict parenting often leads to excessive academic pressure on children. Parents may set unrealistically high standards and place immense pressure on their children to achieve top grades. This can have negative effects on their mental well-being and hinder their overall academic performance.

Children who grow up with overly strict parents often struggle with problem-solving skills. Since their parents make most decisions for them, they may not have the opportunity to develop critical thinking and problem-solving abilities. This can impact their ability to handle challenges and obstacles effectively in adulthood.

Another consequence of strict parenting is that it can hinder a child's ability to express their individuality. When parents enforce rigid rules and expectations, children may feel compelled to conform and suppress their unique interests and desires. This can lead to a lack of self-discovery and self-expression in the long run.

Overly strict parenting can strain the parent-child relationship. Harsh punishments, lack of trust, and constant control can create a distance between parent and child. This can result in a breakdown of communication and a strained bond that may be difficult to repair.

Children raised in overly strict households may experience difficulties in their future relationships. The lack of emotional expression, low self-esteem, and poor social skills acquired in childhood can impact their ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships later in life.

Strict parenting can make it challenging for children to cope with failure. As they are constantly under pressure to meet high expectations, failure can be devastating for them. They may struggle with resilience and may be afraid to take risks in fear of disappointing their parents.

Overly strict parenting can limit a child's creativity and innovation. When they are bound by rules and expectations, it leaves little space for imagination and exploration. This can hinder their ability to think outside the box and stifle their growth in creative fields.

In conclusion, it's important to find a balance between discipline and flexibility as a parent. Being overly strict can have long-term negative consequences on a child's emotional, social, and mental well-being. By fostering a nurturing and supportive environment, we can give our children the tools they need to thrive and lead fulfilling lives.

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Is Your Adolescent Exhibiting "Normal" Teenage Rebellion or Is He/She Headed for a Train Wreck?

In this article, we will discuss key signs and factors that can help you distinguish between normal teenage rebellion versus dangerous behavior. Understanding this difference is crucial for parents, teachers, and anyone working with teenagers.

First, let's define what we mean by normal teen rebellion. During adolescence, it's common for teenagers to push boundaries, seek more independence, and express themselves differently. This phase is a natural part of their development, as they explore their identities and test their own limits. It may involve engaging in minor acts of rebellion, such as experimenting with different styles, challenging authority figures, or questioning societal norms. However, it is important to remember that this rebellious behavior is typically harmless and doesn't pose a significant threat to their well-being.

Now, let's shift our focus to indicators of dangerous behavior in teenagers. Dangerous behavior goes beyond the typical rebellious acts and can have serious consequences. Some warning signs to watch out for include sudden changes in behavior, extreme aggression, self-harm, substance abuse, isolation from family and friends, and persistent disregard for rules and boundaries. It's essential to pay attention to these red flags and take appropriate action to ensure the well-being of the teenager and those around them.

To better differentiate between normal teen rebellion and dangerous behavior, it's important to understand the underlying motivations. Normal rebellion is often driven by a desire for personal growth, independence, and autonomy. Teenagers may engage in rebellious acts as a way to express their individuality and assert their own choices. On the other hand, dangerous behavior is often rooted in deeper issues such as trauma, mental health problems, or peer pressure. Recognizing these motivations can help us respond appropriately and provide the necessary support.

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One of the key factors in managing both normal rebellion and dangerous behavior is effective communication and support. A supportive and open environment allows teenagers to express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or punishment. It's crucial to have regular conversations with them, asking open-ended questions, actively listening, and showing empathy. By providing a safe space, we can guide them towards positive choices and help them navigate through challenges they might be facing.

In some cases, when the line between normal rebellion and dangerous behavior becomes blurred, it may be necessary to seek professional help. Mental health professionals, counselors, or therapists can provide valuable guidance and support to both teenagers and their families. They can help assess the severity of the behavior, address underlying issues, and develop appropriate intervention plans. Remember, it's okay to ask for help when needed, as it can make a significant difference in the well-being and future of the teenager.

Building trust and understanding with teenagers is essential in addressing both normal rebellion and dangerous behavior. Show them that you genuinely care, and your intentions are to support and guide them. Avoid judgmental language and instead, validate their emotions and experiences. By fostering a safe and trusting relationship, you can create an environment where they feel comfortable opening up and seeking guidance when needed. Remember, your role is to be a trusted ally, not an authoritarian figure.

It's not just about understanding the difference between normal rebellion and dangerous behavior for ourselves. As responsible adults, we also have a duty to educate others. Share your knowledge with fellow parents, teachers, and community members. Organize workshops or informational sessions to raise awareness about the signs and consequences of dangerous behavior. By spreading this awareness, we can create a supportive and informed network that promotes the well-being of teenagers in our communities.

Establishing clear boundaries is essential in managing both normal rebellion and dangerous behavior. Set realistic expectations and communicate them effectively. Make sure the teenager understands the consequences of their actions and the reasons behind the rules. However, it's equally important to allow them some autonomy and flexibility within these boundaries. Find a balance between providing guidance and giving them space to learn and grow. Clear boundaries help create a sense of security and stability for teenagers.

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While we focus on the challenges and risks associated with teen behavior, let's also acknowledge their strengths. Teenagers possess remarkable resilience and creativity. They have the potential to make positive contributions to society. Recognize their achievements, talents, and interests. Encourage them to channel their energy into activities they are passionate about. By nurturing their strengths and encouraging their personal growth, we can help steer them toward a path of success and fulfillment.

No one can handle the challenges of raising a teenager alone. Building a supportive network is crucial. Connect with other parents, join support groups, or seek guidance from professionals. Share your experiences, learn from others, and offer support to those who might be facing similar struggles. Together, we can create a network of understanding, empathy, and shared resources that strengthens our ability to address normal rebellion and dangerous behavior effectively.

Mental health plays a significant role in teenage behavior. Promote mental well-being by encouraging self-care practices, healthy coping mechanisms, and open conversations about emotions. Encourage teenagers to seek professional help if they are struggling with mental health issues. By prioritizing mental health, we can reduce the risk of dangerous behavior and provide teenagers with the support they need to navigate the challenges of adolescence.

While it's important to differentiate between normal rebellion and dangerous behavior, it's equally crucial to recognize our own limits. We are not expected to have all the answers or be able to solve every problem. It's okay to seek help and involve professionals when necessary. Our role is to support, guide, and provide a safe environment for teenagers. Understanding our boundaries ensures that we can continue to offer the best possible support without feeling overwhelmed.

By fostering open communication, building trust, and seeking professional help when necessary, we can make a positive impact and ensure the well-being of our teenagers.

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Wife feels abandoned by husband and is embarrassed by son's behavior...

Hi T.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark:

Thank you so much for the MOOCT website. Our son is 15 and we love him to bits - he isincredible, and he drives us crazy. Most of what we've found at your site is not news to us, but it's an organized and concrete approach that gives us tools, not idealisms. I am especially grateful for the dialogue you give us to repeat over and over; so much easier to not say the wrong things when we have a script to follow!

The Kid is just starting on High Risk diversion (county program) for multiple unruly filings and escalating behavior over the past 9 months. No drugs (multiple clean tests), no physicial violence, worst "community" crimes are curfew violations (regularly) and a couple of fights (rarely - last >1 year ago). Our major problems with him have been school (passed all classes this semester, at last, but with HUGE support from the school), outright refusal to follow house rules/parental edicts, and "loud and hurtful language" coupled with intimidating behavior (punching walls, slamming doors, blocking path) at the most minor of provocations (ie, the word "No.") In the past eight weeks he's progressed to staying out all night or two, (three occasions). And has stolen money from my husband's car the first two times (~5 bucks or so each time).

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== > Here you would want to use the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” – Session #3.

This is new behavior around our house; odd as it might sound, he has attempted to respect *some* boundaries to this point. I should say, too, that this is an intelligent and socially well-developed kid that most people mistake for a better-educated young person several years older than he really is. Which means his behavior is willful, and more frustrating.

So we're several weeks past Week 4, and my husband and I are doing *fairly* well. Our son's fuse has gotten shorter; we give the simple "no" and single explanation and off he goes. He usually doesn't even try to negotiate now; just screams some predictable vulgarities as he proceeds to do whatever he wanted to do in the first place. The most recent occasion, yesterday, came after a week of few conflicts and general cooperation with no huge infractions. He had asked Thursday if he could "spend the night anywhere" on Friday and was told no by both parents. Friday, he left while we were at work and called late to ask again if he could spend the night at someone's house, and I told him no. When he (inevitably) raged about how it's not fair and he never gets to blah blah blah, I remembered my rules and told him I wasn't going to argue with him, and that I expected him home by 11pm (legal curfew). He swore again and hung up on me.

He did not come home.

== > Give him a warning in addition to telling him that you expect him to be home by 11:00 PM. “If you choose to ignore your curfew, you’ll choose the consequence. The police will be called. A runaway report will be filed. And I will go to Juvenile Probation and file an incorrigibility complaint.”

When I finally tracked him down today, he insisted that he thought I had reversed my decision during his self-pity party. Let me stress, here: This has *never* happened. And I sure didn't leave any room for misunderstanding last night. I followed the rules to the letter and did not engage in ANY discussion or back-and-forth. Also, he refused to tell me where he was and didn't come home for another five hours.

It seems to me that now he's lost the ability to get us riled up to give him an excuse to take off, he's desperate and turning to sheer invention. Does that seem correct?

== > Yes. We expect this to happen because the child’s ability-to-control-parents is waning.

Right now, of course, he's furious and hostile because I "got the police involved", and they actually called one of his friends this time to see if they could find him. I "got the police involved" the other times, too, but this is the first time they've actively tried to track him down. (Slow weekend here in suburbia, apparently.)

== > Good for you. You’re on track here.

I have three problems with this situation.

First is making sure that the way I'm handling this is correct. Although a part of me is touched by the kid's plea of ignorance, the rest of me remembers that forgetting and being confused and doing things poorly is how kids like this one show rebellion. So I've told him he'll be grounded from all privileges for three days, and that the clock starts ticking when he stops being hostile and stays where he's supposed to be. Is that appropriate?

== > Yes …but, be more specific. “Stop being hostile” is too vague. Plus you did not give a time limit.

Say, for example, “When you stop yelling profanities, the clock will start.”

Second is that my husband, when he gets back home tomorrow from his weekend getaway, will ask me ad nauseum to "let it go" and not punish him. Or punish him for only one day. And let him have his computer. He will "reward" the kid during the grounding period with computer time and money and treats from the store and friends at the house "for just a little while" and etc. He will do this, even though he says he is fully on board with the MOOCT program. How should I handle this?

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== > He may be on board in word, but not in action. Having said this, a weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one.

Remember your successes. During your marriage, you and your husband have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations-with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You can also be successful at ending arguments in front of the children if you really want to. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding.

Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is, or is about to, get too heated and needs to be halted. Make a commitment to honor and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling off period. Or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion. Or write down what you're feeling and later share it with your husband, who might better understand where you're coming from.

Create your own family "rulebook." Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Your family, like a baseball team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines.

Don’t go overboard in trying to avoid arguments. Having small squabbles in front of the kids-and then resolving them peacefully-can actually be good for them; it shows that it's possible to disagree with someone you love, and that relationships don't end just because people are quarreling with each other.

Third is that I feel abandoned by my husband and am embarrassed by my son's behavior; when the police officer visited our house this evening to confirm that son was safe and sound, he was very rude to the officer. I apologized to the policeman, but can't help feeling guilty that they have to take time out from protecting our city to be subjected to such rude behavior. I know it's part of their job, but it's so unpleasant. I am ashamed of our home situation. Is it normal to feel this way?

== > Yes.

Re: husband. I’m guessing that at some level you feel as though you are “parenting” two children sometimes – your son and your husband. Plus it appears that your husband wants to remain “the good guy” in your son’s eyes.

Re: son. You need not be embarrassed by your son’s behavior. Remind yourself that he is just a kid who has a lot to learn – not a bad person with evil intentions.

Just keep doing what you’re doing, because you are really on track as far as I can tell! Don’t ignore your successes – and I’m sure there are many.

Thank you in advance for your input. I'm sorry this email is so long, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond to us floundering parents with your expertise and experience.

Sincerely,

== > You’re very welcome. It was good to hear from you. Email again in the future if you need some support.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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What are some signs that my child is using drugs and/or alcohol?

As parents, it's important for us to stay vigilant and be aware of any signs or behaviors that may indicate substance abuse. One of the first things to pay attention to is any sudden changes in your teen's physical appearance. Do they have bloodshot eyes, frequent nosebleeds, or unexplained weight loss? These can be potential signs of drug use. Additionally, look out for changes in their energy levels or persistent coughing.

When it comes to behavioral changes, it's crucial to keep an eye out for any sudden and unexplained shifts in your teen's actions. Are they isolating themselves from family and friends? Have their academic performance or interests dramatically declined? Are they frequently lying or becoming excessively secretive? These behavioral changes can be indicative of drug use, and it's important to address them lovingly yet firmly.

One of the telltale signs of drug use in teens is drastic mood swings. If your teen goes from extreme irritability or aggression to sudden episodes of euphoria or extreme relaxation, it might be a cause for concern. These mood swings can greatly impact their relationships and overall well-being, so it's essential to communicate openly and supportively with your teen during this time.

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Another red flag to watch out for is when your teen begins neglecting their responsibilities. Are they skipping school or work? Failing to complete assignments or chores? Substance abuse can lead to a significant decline in motivation and focus, causing them to lose interest in previously important tasks. Encourage open communication and offer your support to help them get back on track.

Pay attention to any significant social changes in your teen's life. Are they suddenly spending time with a new group of friends who exhibit risky behaviors? Have they withdrawn from their usual social activities or hobbies? Peer influence can play a big role in substance abuse, so it's important to monitor their social circle and have open conversations about making safe choices.

Keep an eye out for any financial issues that may arise. If you notice your teen is constantly needing money or has unexplained expenses, it could be an indication of drug use. Substance abuse can be an expensive habit, and teens may resort to stealing or lying to obtain money for drugs. Make sure to have discussions on responsible money management and set clear boundaries.

If you have prescription medications in your home, keep an eye on them. Are your teen's prescribed medications going missing? This can be a warning sign that they are experimenting with or abusing substances. Lock up your medications and have conversations about the importance of following prescribed guidelines.

It's essential to be familiar with the various drug paraphernalia that may be associated with substance abuse. Look out for things like pipes, rolling papers, syringes, or small baggies that may contain drugs. Discovering such items in your teen's possession is a clear indication of their involvement with drugs.

Another crucial aspect to monitor is the changes in your teen's friendships. If they start distancing themselves from long-time friends and only associating with individuals who are known drug users, it's a significant cause for concern.

Physical evidence can be a strong indication of drug use. Look for signs like the smell of smoke, strange odors, or the presence of drug-related items like pill bottles, powders, or drug residue. It's important to approach the situation calmly and gather evidence before confronting your teen.

Keep an eye on your teen's sleeping patterns. Are they experiencing significant changes in their sleep, such as insomnia or excessive sleepiness? Drug use can disrupt normal sleep cycles, leading to erratic sleeping patterns. If you notice any extreme changes, it's important to address it and explore the underlying causes with your teen.

As a parent, it's crucial to educate yourself about different types of drugs and their effects. By being knowledgeable, you can better understand your teen's situation and have more informed conversations. If you've noticed multiple signs and behaviors indicating drug use in your teen, it's essential to seek professional help. Reach out to substance abuse counselors, therapists, or doctors who specialize in adolescent addiction. They can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate this challenging situation and help your teen on the path to recovery.

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In conclusion, it is crucial to be aware of any signs or indicators that a child may be using drugs. There are various behaviors and physical changes that may suggest drug use, and it is important to pay attention to these signs to help prevent further harm or damage to the child's health and well-being.

Changes in a child's behavior can be a powerful indicator that something is amiss. These changes may include a sudden shift in behavior, such as becoming more secretive or withdrawn, avoiding conversations or interactions, or being unresponsive to questions or inquiries. Additionally, abrupt mood swings, increased irritability, or an uncharacteristically aggressive attitude can also be warning signs.

Physical changes can also serve as indicators of drug use. These changes may include bloodshot eyes, dilated pupils, or a sudden change in weight, either gain or loss. Additionally, the child may experience a decline in academic or work performance, which could be accompanied by a lack of focus, disinterest, or a lack of motivation.

If drug use is suspected, it is important to look for any drug paraphernalia or unusual odors in the child's room, such as small plastic bags, rolling papers, or pipes. If such items are found, it is essential to have an open and honest conversation with the child and seek professional help if necessary. Early intervention can prevent further harm and enable the child to receive the necessary support and care to overcome their addiction.

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Parents have a severely out-of-control 16 year old daughter...

QUESTION:

Hi I'm Yvonne and I have an out of control 16 year old daughter. For the past year and a half we have been having issues on a weekly bases with our daughter. I will fill you in quickly on some of the things that we have been dealing with over this time.

She was wagging school, suspended on 3 occasions for smoking in school uniform, got suspended for drinking at school, left home for 5 days and wouldn't let us know where she was. Started casual at McDonalds in Jan. this year but 1 mo. later decided that she didn't want to got to school anymore so left to work at McDonalds full time but got on average 15 - 25 hours a week and spent the rest of the time hanging out with her friends why we were at work. Then in March got fired for stealing money out of the register (for a friend). Had people over when we weren't here and they did a burnout in our carport and did about $1,000 damage to the new concrete that we installed not long ago got. Has told me that she is smoking weed on weekends when she is with her friends. We have on many occasions had money go missing from our wallet and have to keep them in our room and I take mine to the shower in the morning just in case she comes into our room. We feel that we can't leave anything lying around the house and I feel sick having to live like this in our own home.

What we have done.

I wake her in the morning and she has to be out of the house at 7.30 when I leave for work as I have told her that she can't be trusted after everything that has happened to be left in the home that she has no respect for.

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We use to pay her for doing chores around the house but have stopped this lately as she needs to get out their and find a job and the chores that she does do (not often) is payment for the food, and bed that she has within the home.

We have 2 international students with us at the moment and one had $100 go missing out of his bag and of course we know who took it but she always says that she hasn't. This is the last straw as we have once again had to cover money that she has taken from other people and it would add up to around the $700 or more over the last 2 years.

We love our daughter but don't like the things or the people that she is involved with at the moment and have tried everything we can think of going as far as calling the police who came and had a talk to her.

I know why she does a lot of things she does and that is she is a large girl for her age and feels that no one likes her so she does anything and everything to get attention whether it be good or bad and this is something that we noticed from the age of about 9 years. She has an older sister 21 and a younger brother 13. She gets on well with her brother, just the usual kid fights. Her elder sister and her had a good relationship up until the age of about 12 when the age gap between them started to show and her elder sister didn't want her around any more, and has not been a close relationship since. Her elder sister has just moved to the UK for up to 5 years so is no longer at home.

This is just touching the surface but hope that you can give us some advice. At the moment my husband and I are ready to pack her bags and send her out into the big wide world to fend for her self as we had enough.

Can't wait to hear from you,

Desperate Parents Yvonne and Phil

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ANSWER:

Hi Yvonne and Phil,

Re: smoking pot and drinking…

Please forward this part of the email to your daughter. I would like for her to read the following:

Hi,

I am sorry that you feel so lonely and overwhelmed. I can sense the sadness in you and I am here to tell you that you can feel a lot better about yourself and your life. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I have worked with many kids your age who got their lives back under control and who became the people they wanted to be. They all were unsure whether they could handle turning their lives around but with their own courage and some support from caring family, friends and talented professionals, they did it.

You and I both know that weed can be very psychologically addicting. If you are lonely, getting a little high or quite stoned can temporarily make you feel better -- but as you know, when the high wears off, reality hits you in the face again. You must let your folks know how you have been feeling and tell them about your use of weed. They must assume some responsibility for their part in this and be the parents that you need them to be. I know that talking to them about this scares you and I don't know what their response will be.

You MUST trust some adult to help you. You cannot do this on your own and it's not because you're a weak or bad kid, it's because right now you are too overwhelmed with sadness and despair. Confide in an adult, school counselor or clergy member whom you trust. Let them take some of the burden. They will be honored that you have chosen them to trust. It's the first big step that you have to take. You need a support system and the knowledge that grownups will stand by you as you show how much courage and determination you have.

You were not meant to fail school, to have no true friends, to dull yourself with weed. You were meant to know happiness and joy. There are many people out there, just waiting for a friend like you - people who don't need you to do drugs with them to be your friend. Let someone into your life who will help guide you and support you as you come back to life, to be the girl you were truly meant to be.

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Re: running away…

The following is a brief list of suggestions that can help reduce the risk of a runaway. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions than may help. If the risk is high, and your relationship is extremely poor, including the level of trust, then these suggestions may not help.

· If you get overwhelmed or upset, tell your child "I'm overwhelmed and a little upset. I need a break and a chance to calm down and think about this." Then tell them you want a 20 minute (or so) break and then you will talk to them again. Be sure to take a break.

· Never call you teenager names or label them with words like liar, a thief, a brat, a punk, childish, immature, untrustworthy, selfish, cruel, unkind, stupid, etc... These words will not help. Your child will only begin to think of you in negative terms and may even start calling you worse names.

· Never dare your child to run away because you think they may not.

· Never explain yourself or argue if your child expects you to justify the fact that you do not agree.

· Never interrupt your teenager when they are talking or trying to explain something - even if you disagree. Waite until they are done.

· Never raise your voice or yell - especially when your teenager is raising their voice or yelling.

· Never use sarcasm or a negative attitude that demonstrates that you do not respect your teenager.

· Remember you can also agree with your child, but you don't have to let them do whatever they want. For instance, you might agree that their is be no significant difference between some teenagers who are 17 years old and some people who are 21 years old, but that does not mean you will allow teenagers to consume alcohol at a party at your house.

· Remind yourself that simply listening and telling your child that you understand does not mean you will agree when they are finished, nor does it mean you will do what they seem to want.

· Stay calm and quiet, make eye contact, and don't respond if your child is angry, shouting or in a rage. Wait until they are calm.

· Talk less and use fewer words than your teenagers.

· Tell you teenager that you understand what they are saying. Say "I understand." And if you don't understand, say "I'm not sure I understand, ...tell me again."

· When two parents are speaking with a teenagers, it is important to take turns, but be careful to let your teenagers speak as much as BOTH parents speak. Both parents should talk equally and use less words than their child.

· When you don't agree and you are certain that you understand your teenager's point of view (and your teenager believes you understand) tell your teenager. "I think I understand, but I don't agree with you. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

· When your teenager stops talking, ask "Is there anything else you want to tell me."

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Re: theft…

When teens steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with strict consequences. For example, when a teen is caught shoplifting, the parent can take the child back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened. If the teen steals from parents or other family members, the police should be called and theft charges should be filed. The teen's embarrassment at facing up to what she did makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Re: hanging with the wrong crowd…

Don't expect to like all your teen's friends. After all, do you like all your friends' children?

Accept teens 'try out' friends in the same way that they 'try out' fashions, lifestyles and even values in their search for a new adult identity. Avoid over-reacting and take comfort from the fact that many teen friendships are transitory!

Get to know your teen's friends... don't exclude them. You can't hold an opinion about somebody you don't know, as your teenager will be only too quick to tell you. Encourage your teen to hang out with friends at home. Get to know them and understand what your teen sees in them. It's easier to keep an eye on potential troublemakers when they're under your own roof.

Don't sweat the small stuff... base decisions on facts, not emotions. Try to keep feelings out of the picture and avoid unsubstantiated judgments. It will only annoy your teen and send her off complaining to her friends. Look past superficial images to the people they really are. You may find that you like them. Accept experimentation when things don't really matter; hair color and body-piercings are easily reversible. Be firm on rules that are important to you, like courtesy and consideration in the home.

Avoid criticism and keep communication open. Your teenager views criticism as an attack on his own judgment and may resort to secrecy to keep you off his back. Try to initiate positive discussion about your child's general social life and interests. This can also be a good time to subtly encourage other social opportunities such as part-time work or extracurricular activities.

Above all, make sure your teen understands that you are always available to talk about concerns and provide non-judgmental advice. It's the best way to keep track of small problems before they turn into major issues. If facts truly point to a potentially harmful situation, seek expert advice on an appropriate course of action.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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How to Tell the Difference Between Normal Rebellion Versus a Psychological Problem

"My seventeen year old daughter is so very angry. She is involved with drugs and has gotten in some legal trouble as well. She is verbally abusive to me and to my husband who is her stepfather. The problem is that other times she is a joy to be around. She is funny, and very bright and creative. I wonder if she may have a psychological problem or may be an opposition defiant child. Not sure what to think right now."

How can a parent tell the difference between normal rebellion and the signal that an adolescent is troubled? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this behavior change drastic for my adolescent? Normal rebellious behavior develops over time, beginning with an adolescent wanting to be with friends more and disagreeing with moms and dads more frequently. Problem rebellion is sudden and drastically out of character. For example, a normally rebellious "A" student may get a few "Bs" and cut a class or two, but if he suddenly starts failing or refuses to go to school, this can be a sign that your adolescent is experiencing an emotional crisis.

2. How frequent and intense is the rebellion? Normal rebellion is sporadic. There are moments of sweetness, calm and cooperation between outbursts. If on the other hand, rebellion is constant and intense, this can be a sign of underlying emotional problems.

Dealing with Normal Rebellion—

The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their moms and dads. The teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before she can develop an adult relationship with her moms and dads, the adolescent must first distance herself from the way she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion?

The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period:

1. Treat your teenager as an adult friend— By the time your youngster is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your youngster when she is an adult. Treat your youngster the way you would like her to treat you when she is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and the ability to have fun together.

Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and other times together. Use praise and trust to help build her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your youngster's feelings by listening sympathetically and making nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your adolescent's problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.

2. Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics— Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the moms and dads criticize their teenager too much. Much of the adolescent's objectionable behavior merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults helps your youngster feel independent from you. Try not to attack your teen's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, and room decorations, use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion, or philosophy.

This doesn't mean withholding your personal views about these subjects. But allowing your adolescent to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents testing in major areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teen's behavior is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights (see the sections on house rules). Another common error is to criticize your adolescent's mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be changed through good example and praise. The more you dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviors, the longer they will last.

3. Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home— Your teen must learn from trial and error. As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions and actions. Speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, you must rely on the adolescent's own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of her actions. A school's requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your adolescent goes to bed at night. School grades will hold your teen accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your adolescent has bad work habits, she will lose her job.

If your teen makes a poor choice of friends, she may find her confidences broken or that she gets into trouble. If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month. If by chance your teen asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help her think about the main risks. Then conclude your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is best." Teens need plenty of opportunity to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.

4. Clarify the house rules and consequences— You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. A teen's preferences can be tolerated within her own room, but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house. You can forbid loud music that interferes with other people's activities or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

While you should make your adolescent's friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your adolescent can be placed in charge of cleaning her room, washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will loan her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, and so forth. Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges. (Time-out is rarely useful in this age group, and physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown in your relationship.)

If your teen breaks something, she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If she makes a mess, she should clean it up. If your adolescent is doing poorly in school, you can restrict TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone privileges and weeknights out. If your adolescent stays out too late or doesn't call you when she's delayed, you can ground her for a day or a weekend. In general, grounding for more than a few days is looked upon as unfair and is hard to enforce.

5. Use family conferences for negotiating house rules— Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. At this time your teen can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems. You can also bring up issues (such as your adolescent's demand to drive her to too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools). The family unit often functions better if the decision-making is democratic. The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere can be one of: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"

6. Give space to a teen who is in a bad mood— Generally when your teen is in a bad mood, she won't want to talk about it with you. If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times to give your adolescent lots of space and privacy. This is a poor time to talk to your teen about anything, pleasant or otherwise.

7. Use "I" messages for rudeness— Some talking back is normal. We want our teens to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in a logical way. We need to listen. Expect your teen to present her case passionately, even unreasonably. Let the small stuff go — it's only words. But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude, these mean remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or don't answer my question."

Make your statement without anger if possible. If your adolescent continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the room. Don't get into a shouting match with your teen because this is not a type of behavior that is acceptable in outside relationships. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and the willingness to apologize.

When should you seek outside assistance?

Get help if:

you feel your teen's rebellion is excessive
you find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment
you have other questions or concerns
you think your teen is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away
your family life is seriously disrupted by your teen
your relationship with your teen does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches
your teen has no close friends
your teen is skipping school frequently
your teen is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving)
your teen's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent
your teen's school performance is declining markedly

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents