Would you suggest any further contact?

Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one living arrangement to another. This mother sent her son a letter inviting him to Christmas Eve dinner:

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Hi Mark,

Sent letter to my son. He would have received it on Friday. In it I also expressed your advise. I have also invited him to join all our family for Christmas Eve dinner. It is Monday. Would you suggest any further contact? If yes when? Or do you think I should wait until he contacts us? Christmas Eve is in 6 days. It's frustrating when we don't have the answers ourselves anymore. What do you suggest?

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Hi M.,

The main goal is for (a) your son to start taking responsibility for himself, and (b) for you to take less responsibility in order to achieve (a).

Whenever you are undecided about what to say or do, ask yourself the question, "Is what I"m about to say or do going to promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or is it going to inhibit the development of self-reliance? If your decisions promote self-reliance, then they are good decisions ...period.

Thus, should there be further contact? I don't think so.

Further contact feels a bit like you taking on too much responsibility (again). He's been given an invitation. It's his choice whether to show up or not. If he "no shows" ...you can give him his gifts as well as a Christmas kiss on the cheek whenever he does show up. In the meantime, spend your time and energy on the family members that are near you.

Let go and let God. Don't give your son the power to steal your joy this Christmas -- this is YOUR choice.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She is an only child. Does this make a difference?

My fifteen year old daughter has always had problems with making and keeping friends. Its heart breaking when she never gets invitations to parties or sleep-overs. Is it too late to help her? She is an only child, does this make a difference?

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Hi S.,

The fact that your daughter is an only child does make a difference, but not a BIG one. Because only children do not have siblings with whom to interact, they learn to be children on their own and become very self-sufficient. Parents can help, but ultimately children become conditioned to depend on themselves. Although this self-sufficiency can have its benefits, it can also mean that only children are inherently alone as their personalities develop.

Only children must develop in social situations that may not be suited to their personalities. An only child's environment forces her to take on characteristics of extraversion despite natural inclinations toward introversion. A naturally introverted child must show extraverted qualities if she wishes to make friends. But take heart, the development of extraverted qualities can be learned, and with time, an element of extroversion becomes habit.

Of course, very few humans are strictly extraverted or introverted. To call an only child “introverted” would be to imply that the child developed into his/her natural tendency toward that certain personality type with little influence from the environment.

Nonetheless, environment forces the only child to struggle against his/her natural tendencies in order to function normally. Perhaps this struggle helps explain some of the common characteristics that emerge among only children, such as the tendency to not participate in many activities, but leading the ones in which they do participate. An only child tends to be more conscientious, more socially dominant, less agreeable, and less open to new ideas compared to the child who has siblings.

Therefore, she can choose to practice “approaching people” …she can practice speaking to people …and she can practice being interested in what others say and do. This will feel very abnormal at first, but with time, it will become habit. She can choose to have time alone – and she can choose to have times where she is “a part of” rather than “separate from.”

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com