Daughter Ran Away and Moved In with 21-year-old Boyfriend

Mom's Question:

"Hi Mark, I know you hear from so many parents, you probably would not remember my story, but I emailed you a while ago about my daughter. She left home, telling people she was kicked out, and has moved in with her 21 yr old boyfriend (that she only met Christmas past). He has his own problems ....unemployed, recovering drug addict, etc.

Well, my daughter is gone almost a month now. I have tried to be supportive, telling her that this will always be her home, if things are not what she thought they would be or she just needs a break from her boyfriend, that the door is open. I tried to keep the lines of communication open, which is hard, because I do not condone what she has done. I still find it hard to believe that she has done this with no consideration whatsoever for her father or me. She is barely 17.

To get to my point, my daughter appears or certainly acts like she could care less if she ever sees me. She has called a few times, but not to ask how I am or chat, but to ask if I saw her sweater, or some stupid thing. When she left, she told everyone that we threw her out and she had nowhere to go. She told me to go f**** myself. I have been sick about this, and I am trying so hard to deal with this. But I am running on fumes.

I don't call my daughter anymore, at least in the past 2 weeks, because I just feel like I need to distance myself from her. I just feel I can't take this much more. What am I supposed to do? By distancing myself, am I doing the wrong thing? Should I just keep trying to maintain contact even though I feel rejection each time? Between trying to work and appear normal, and keep a normal atmosphere at home for the sake of my 11 yr old, plus other commitments, I just feel worn out and so defeated. I apologize for going on and on, it is just that I need to know if I am making things worse by distancing myself from my daughter. The wounds, at least for me, are so fresh. I never saw this coming. I feel like this is a bad dream. Thanks so much for your help."

A Sad Mom

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She is not doing her reputation any favours...

Mark,

My 17 year old daughter who, up until now has been an absolute delight to raise, has become friends with a group of "undesirables". She and I have done nothing but argue since she became friends with them and as a consequence she packed her bags and went to her grandmothers to live for a week. She is playing the "I can do what I want when I want" game very well as she has her licence and her own car. As soon as she gets home from work she is in that car, hanging around the streets with these people (who don’t work and have nothing better to do). No need to tell you most of them are from a family of parents who care little about their children or have no control over what they do and where they go. Whilst she is not actually doing anything illegal I cannot seem to get through to her that she will get the reputation of the people she is hanging with. The group has been in trouble with the police on more than one occasion on vandalism, petty theft, minor traffic matters etc. etc. Whilst my daughter has not been in the same trouble I am so fearful that she will be dragged into it. I am suspicious that she is sweet on one of the boys in the group (and he is the biggest rat of them all).

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want bigger and better things for her but she cant see the big picture. All she sees is that they are her friends. She is out with them during the week until 11-12 o'clock at night and therefore keeping the household awake until she gets home (as we are worried about her). She tells tales about her whereabouts. Instead of telling us she is down the street parked and talking to these people she tell us she is at one of their houses (and she chooses the name of one of the friends she knows we don’t have a problem with).

Any tips on how to deal with trying to explain to her that she is not doing her reputation any favours by hanging around with this group of people, without putting this group of friends down as dead heads would be greatly appreciated.


Regards,

M.D.

_____________________

Hi M.,

The portion of the ebook that would be most appropriate here would be the strategy entitled "When You Want Something Form Your Kid" -- in the Anger Management chapter of the online version.

It appears to me that you have bigger fish to fry than your daughter's "reputation" (e.g., possible drug use, illegal activity, getting pregnant, getting arrested, etc.).

Not to catastrophize, but she really seems to be in harms way.

I have some questions: What did she do to earn her car? What does she do to earn driving privileges? Also, what does she do to earn time out of the house to be with her "friends"?

I'll wait to hear back,

Mark


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com