Just wanted to let you know about my success last night. J___ met at a little Italian restaurant me for dinner last night since we were the only two home. Nice dinner, some nice talk - college lacrosse recruiting, Christmas, etc. As we were leaving the restaurant to get into our separate cars he asked to go to the soccer game. I said no and that it was not open for discussion. I told him if he went I would take the car away for 3 days. He tried to call my bluff and said that never works due to inconvenience. I told him my good friend had agreed to help me since my husband is traveling so much. Of course he began to argue - even pulled the "that girl I really like is gonna be there!" routine. I kept a slight smile on my face (no scowling!) and repeated myself several times. He continued to negotiate and all I said was no and I am not going to argue. He threatened, told me I was acting like a robot, said this is b....it - all the things you know he was going to do. I laughed at some of his antics to make it lighter but firmly held my ground. We stayed in that parking lot "discussing" for 22 minutes. (i would have left sooner but since I intended to FIRMLY hold my ground I needed to wait it out.) He left in a huff and threatened. We went in opposite directions and when I got home (probably 2 minutes after he did) his car was in the garage and he was watching TV. I came in and made a BIG deal about his cooperation - intentionally acting like an over the top fool so he would laugh.
SUCCESS is sooooo sweet.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
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Kudos for a job well done!!
Bear in mind there will be more episodes like this one. Be consistent. Hunker-down for the long haul.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Transportation Issue
Love this product. It is as if someone sat in our house for three days and watched what was going on in order to write it! Job well done.
I agree with everything you have said, but I am stuck re: consequences. My husband works in a different city so he leaves Sun nite and returns Fri nite. Our 17 year old son has a car - we thought to make our lives easier. He is responsible for taking his sister to school, getting himself home from sports practices and running an occasional errand. I work full time, have little to no flexibility during the day and have two younger children who also have activities.
We did take the car away for one week and it was crazy. My younger ones were left waiting for me while I picked up Mr. 17 and then he started to get rides from friends and was showing up even later - they went to McDonalds, to someone's house, etc. When I told him not to do that he said, "I'm not the one driving. I have no control. So & so had to take Johnny home, go to the mall to pick up his new shoes, etc, etc, etc.".
You may ask what we did before he had the car. At that time none, of the kids had cars so parents carpooled. Now, since most kids have cars, there is no carpooling available.
The CAR is the greatest consequence we could impose. Especially since most of our fights are around his "excessive" use of freedom and disregard for curfews. But how do I make it work for ME!
Thank you,
K.
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It sounds like a compromise may be the best route to go.
On one hand, the car is your son's most valuable item, thus making it a great tool to use during consequences -- on the other hand, your life is easier when he's able to drive.
How about a partial consequence?
That is, whenever you would ordinarily like to confiscate his car for discipline purposes, is it feasible to simply put just enough gas in the vehicle for him to take sister to school, get to sports practice and run an errand - but no further? This will take a bit of calculation on your part (i.e., estimating mileage here and there). On those occasions when he abuses the partial consequence (i.e., makes a few extra stops along the way), I think you have to inconvenience yourself and park his car (1 - 3 days).
If this is not feasible, let me know and we'll come up with plan B.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
I agree with everything you have said, but I am stuck re: consequences. My husband works in a different city so he leaves Sun nite and returns Fri nite. Our 17 year old son has a car - we thought to make our lives easier. He is responsible for taking his sister to school, getting himself home from sports practices and running an occasional errand. I work full time, have little to no flexibility during the day and have two younger children who also have activities.
We did take the car away for one week and it was crazy. My younger ones were left waiting for me while I picked up Mr. 17 and then he started to get rides from friends and was showing up even later - they went to McDonalds, to someone's house, etc. When I told him not to do that he said, "I'm not the one driving. I have no control. So & so had to take Johnny home, go to the mall to pick up his new shoes, etc, etc, etc.".
You may ask what we did before he had the car. At that time none, of the kids had cars so parents carpooled. Now, since most kids have cars, there is no carpooling available.
The CAR is the greatest consequence we could impose. Especially since most of our fights are around his "excessive" use of freedom and disregard for curfews. But how do I make it work for ME!
Thank you,
K.
``````````````````````
It sounds like a compromise may be the best route to go.
On one hand, the car is your son's most valuable item, thus making it a great tool to use during consequences -- on the other hand, your life is easier when he's able to drive.
How about a partial consequence?
That is, whenever you would ordinarily like to confiscate his car for discipline purposes, is it feasible to simply put just enough gas in the vehicle for him to take sister to school, get to sports practice and run an errand - but no further? This will take a bit of calculation on your part (i.e., estimating mileage here and there). On those occasions when he abuses the partial consequence (i.e., makes a few extra stops along the way), I think you have to inconvenience yourself and park his car (1 - 3 days).
If this is not feasible, let me know and we'll come up with plan B.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
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