Re: Teens & Dinner

"How can I get my teen daughter to eat dinner with us - at least occasionally. She either refuses to eat, or eats in her bedroom?"

Getting your adolescent to sit down to a regular meal with the family might be a little like lassoing Jell-O, but a new study suggests bringing adolescents to the table has the power to help them resist drugs and alcohol, feel better about themselves and even get better grades.

Those are just some of the findings from Project EAT, a study of the eating habits and health of 4,746 middle and high school students conducted at the University of Minnesota's School of Public Health. "Family mealtime appears to have so many benefits," says Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, lead investigator of Project EAT and author of "I'm, Like, So Fat: Helping Your Adolescent Make Healthy Choices About Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World" (Guilford Press, 2005). "It lets kids watch their parents be role models for healthy eating, gives them access to healthier food than they'd get at fast-food restaurants and is an opportunity for parents to connect with their children," Neumark-Sztainer says.

The challenge? Finding time to cook — and to sit down together. "Just remember that what matters is time together, not when you eat or whether it's a perfect home-cooked meal," says Sztainer. These ideas can help you spend more quality table time with your adolescent.

FAQs from other parents—

How do you get your kids to eat with you? My son would rather grab fast food with his friends or eat in his room in front of the computer.

First, be flexible. Your adolescent may not eat at home every night, but the two of you can talk about it. I would sit down and say, "I want to have us eat together more often. We need to figure out a way to do that." Try to come up with some solutions together. The fact is, adolescents like getting good food that's free. And in our research, we've found that they like eating with the family, especially if the atmosphere is pleasant. They may stay away from the table, though, if they're getting grilled about homework or chores or the string beans they're not eating.

Is there a way to serve food that's healthier than takeout and microwave meals but just as fast?

Yes. Look for healthy shortcuts. Some of my favorite healthy fast foods from the supermarket include rotisserie chicken, baby carrots, pre-sliced fruits and vegetables, fresh vegetables you can microwave right in the bag and frozen stir-fry vegetable mixes. A dinner of eggs, whole wheat toast and some cut-up vegetables can work in a pinch. If you can stay away from highly processed foods, you'll get less fat, less salt and usually fewer calories.

What are the options for families like ours that aren't all at home in the evening?

Breakfast will work if all or most of your family members are home at the same time in the morning. Or try brunch on the weekend. Also be flexible about the time you eat. In our household, we tend to eat later than standard dinnertime because everyone is busy earlier. And you can have a family meal even if some family members are absent. One parent at the table is great for kids, too.

We eat out a couple of nights a week because we take our kids to practices, rehearsals and meetings. Does eating in a restaurant count?

Yes. Eating out has its benefits — nobody has to cook or clean up, and everyone can order what they like. It also provides an opportunity to learn about how to deal with the challenges of eating out. Portions served in restaurants are huge, and the selections include many high-fat, high-calorie items. Parents can, without saying a word, demonstrate how to get a healthy meal by making smart choices and eating reasonable portions when eating out.

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Children Who Play With Fire

Mark-

Thank you so much for your program and your willingness to make this available to us via e-book. While I have just purchased your program and an only in Assignment 1, I feel that this is our answer to a growing problem with our child. My son is 12 years old. He has been a handful since birth. I realize now that I am a 100% passive parent. I have over-indulged him out of guilt for, as his mother, working outside of the home all his life. I have always felt this was a mistake and gave him stuff and freedom to compensate. As a result, my son is defiant, disrepectful and has been suspended twice from school so far this semester. I am so thankful that your help has come along before he gets any older.

I have one major concern to address immediately. My son has had a fascination with fire, fireworks, and blowing things up for about a year. I realize some of this is normal but now his interest has resulted in damage to our home. Four days ago, he damaged the front of our garage because he blew up action figures in the driveway. When I asked him why he did that & did he not realize he was causing damage, he told me he had to do it because he was angry at the school's asst principal. This was the same day he had been suspended for two days for disrepecting teachers. He said that doing this made him feel better. I told him that he could not continue to do this. I had him wash and repair/paint the damage. He swore he would never burn again. Later that evening, we calmly discussed the possible outcomes of playing with fire..that this could be life-threatening and we could lose everything in a house fire. We even talked about fire safety and how we would exit our home in the event of a fire. He seemed to "get it".

You can imagine my surprise when the next day, I entered my kitchen only to detect smoke coming from our upstairs bonus room. I ran upstairs and was shocked at the damage he had done to the carpet upstairs. There are multiple burns. I immediately went to find him as he had already left the scene. I asked him about it & he gave me a glazed look. I am unsure if it was shame, denial or what..I have found no evidence of drugs or cigarettes so I do not believe this was a smoking session gone bad. I asked him if he had a problem that made him want to burn things. He said that when he gets mad, he burns and he feels better. (He had gotten angry at me when I denied him fireworks of all things directly before the bonus room incident.) I was shattered. I felt that there might be something more than just misconduct, but rather a psychiatric problem. Now I am confused as to whether he just totally disregards our home because he resents me for over-indulgence..or if he may also have a medical problem.

I have discussed this with my family. It seems that we agree that we must rule in/out any medical problem with a psychiatric evaluation. My plan is to have this done immediately. I am beginning Assignment 1 with him as well as he still needs behavior modification, regardless of the outcome of the evaluation. I would truly respect your opinion as to whether you believe I am going in the right direction.

Thank you again for your information and help..moreover your desire to help desparate parents.

Sincerely,

K.

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Hi K.,

Many kids set fires out of curiosity. But some of the kids will learn that fire is a powerful tool to gain attention or enact revenge. Other kids believe that if their first fire doesn't get out of control, they can control it.

Most experts agree that the best way to understand a youngster's fire setting is by looking at the age of the youngster and the reason for the behavior. There are three categories of fire setting, and for each a different strategy is used to stop the behavior.

Curiosity Fire Setting--

The youngster is usually between 3 and 10 years old and is almost always a boy. They prefer to spend time alone and may be hyperactive.

The youngster is curious and plays with fire to learn about it. Fires are usually set in a closet or under a bed. The youngster will usually panic if the fire gets out of control. Fires set can cause major damage or even death.

Treatment at this stage is fire safety education.

Problem Fire Setting--

The youngster is usually between 5 and 12 years old and is almost always a boy. They may have a history of school and social problems. Recent changes in life or suffering from stress or injury are common.

The fire is usually random or ritualized and located in or around the home.

There is often no clear cut reason for fire setting. This could be used as a "Cry for Help."

They will continue in this behavior until stress is relieved or they are taught safer ways to cope. There is a very high chance of repeat fire setting.

Treatment at this stage involves professional counseling and fire safety education.

Delinquent Fire Setting--

The youngster is usually between the ages of 10 and 18 years old. They can be both boys and girls and are almost always in a group.

The fire is usually at an outdoor location and could involve dumpsters, grass or other vandalism type fires.

The youngster tends sets the fires to impress their peers, out of boredom, or to be defiant.

Treatment at this stage involves professional counseling, restitution and fire safety education.

How Parents Can Help--

Parents play an important role in helping prevent fires involving kids. Here are some ideas to help:

§ Make sure your kids are supervised at all times.

§ Discuss with your kids the good and bad uses of fire, the dangers of fire and how quickly it spreads.

§ Encourage your kids to tell you about any other kids playing with fire.

§ Keep all matches or lighters in a place that is not accessible to kids, such as a locked cabinet. If you smoke, keep lighters on your person or in your purse, not scattered around the house.

§ Keep Matches, lighters and other fire setting tools off limits to your kids by telling your kids to immediately bring you any matches or lighters that they find. Set consequences for kids if they are found with any fire setting tools.

§ Lock up all flammable chemicals, like gasoline, turpentine or lighter fluid.

§ Make your house fire safe by installing smoke detectors and sharing with your kids the responsibility of checking the detectors once a month.

§ Practice with your kids stop-drop-and roll and crawling low in the presence of smoke.

§ Teach your kids fire safety by planning fire escape routes from each room in the house and practicing fire drills at your house once a semester.

FAQs from other parents:

§ I have found my son playing with fire. If I burn my son's hand will they stop?

This is a myth, if you burn your son's hand they will just be scarred. You must address the real reason for his/her playing with fire before they will stop.

§ Is fire setting considered pyromania?

Pyromania is a mental disorder -- fire setting is not. It is a behavior which can have many reasons and which can be stopped.

§ Is it normal for kids to play with fire?

While curiosity about fire is common, fire play or fire setting is not normal and can be deadly.

§ Is this just a phase that that they will grow out of?

It is not just a phase and you must deal with it immediately or it will continue to happen.

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional, Defiant Children