I felt my only solution was to ask her to move out...

I am a mother of three children and I run a daycare from my house. I have a sixteen year old daughter who I have always referred to as having intense anger Issues. Over the years I have felt I dealt with my children fairly assertively and mildly indulgent I got 63 on your test. My son is 14 my other daughter is 8. All my children have been expected to do certain things around the house and have been issued consequences for inappropriate behaviours. My kids are good kids the two older ones each have outside jobs. Pay for most of their things they need. They are all good students and respect curfews and most rules in our home. Now the problem my husband and I have is with my sixteen yr old when she is presented with something she does not agree with she becomes extremely intense very quickly at times without much warning. She swears and becomes physical at times. I have tried the poker face response and have a problem with my other children seeing her react this way. They see that she is getting away with it all though she usually receives a consequence afterwards and frankly accepts it well. But my other kids find her intensity scary. She has been diagnosed recently as bipolar. After a recent incidence I felt my only solution was to ask her to move out which she has done. The house is so much less tension as we all seemed to be walking on glass constantly. I would love to have her back. What would you suggest be the best solution on doing this without making her thinks she has control.

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I’m assuming that - since your daughter has recently been diagnosed with bipolar – she is seeing a Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist who is in the process of trying to find the right dosage and combination of medications to treat her symptoms. This process will take a year or two. Once she is stabilized from a medical standpoint, she should be much less impulsive and explosive. So, proper medication is key here.

Recent research suggests that kids and teens with bipolar disorder don't always have the same behavioral patterns that adults with bipolar disorder do. For example, kids who have bipolar disorder may experience particularly rapid mood changes and may have some of the other mood-related symptoms listed below, such as irritability and high levels of anxiety. But they may not show other symptoms that are more commonly seen in adults.

Because brain function is involved, the ways people with bipolar disorder think, act, and feel are all affected. This can make it especially difficult for other people to understand their condition. It can be incredibly frustrating if other people act as though someone with bipolar disorder should just "snap out of it," as if a person who is sick can become well simply by wanting to. Bipolar disorder isn't a sign of weakness or a character flaw; it's a serious medical condition that requires treatment, just like any other condition.

Although there's no cure for bipolar disorder, treatment can help stabilize a person's moods and help the person manage and control symptoms. Like other teens with long-lasting medical conditions (such as asthma, diabetes, or epilepsy), teens with bipolar disorder need to work closely with their doctors and other medical professionals to treat it. This team of medical professionals, together with the teen and family, develop what is called a “treatment plan.” Teens with bipolar disorder will probably receive medication, such as a mood stabilizer, from a psychiatrist or other medical doctor. A psychologist or other type of counselor will provide counseling or psychotherapy for the teen and his or her family. Doctors will watch the symptoms closely and offer additional treatment advice if necessary.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Help for Drug-Addicted Son

Update on the situation here. My son (who decided to move out with friends) came home today and asked my husband if he could come home. My husband told him that we would have no problem if the kid that we had last year came home but not the kid he has become. Mark I really had a good kid up until last summer of 2008. He was always appreciative and respectful now I have this monster. All of Chris's friends that he had hate the new group he started hanging around with they call this group the kids that are going no where. Chris started smoking drugs with this bunch. Chris told my husband that he doesn't see the problem with him having this habit. The reason he left was because we would not tolerate this behaviour, I am not going to change it is against my values and my morales to have a kid sitting there doing drugs. This kid choose this live style not me. It was like he choose to lose.

What steps do I do here, I don't want him home if it is going to be the same old thing. He ran away in March and came back 6 weeks later and we had him do a contract with the rules. No smoking dope, no skipping school, showing respect to us. He came home lasted 2 days, and he was telling me that he was staying out all night on a Sunday night and I would see him Monday night, I told him that if he left he would have consequences he told me that he was out for the night and that it was none of my business where he was going. I locked up the house the next day left a note on the door he could come back home on Saturday when my husband and I were home and discuss the situation. We were have a roof put on that day, he asked the roofer for the ladder and got in through the bathroom window. He left me a note saying well I told you I was only going out for 1 night and I would be home and I will see you on Saturday. This kid had decided he was running the show here, my house and I was taking orders from him. He came home on Saturday and kept up this behaviour. He got kicked out of his co-op program. This kid had won the leadership award at school and the engineering award, MPV 3 years in a row in soccer. My husband as me to please hold on until after June so that the kid would get his credits for school and I bit my tongue. By July I had a real monster here and that's when he stole the car, stole money from us etc. and I started to use your techniques and it was working until the one day he was getting to aggressive and then I told him that if he hated it here that he should work out a plan to leave and that is when he called his friend's mother and asked her if he could still move in with her and she said I will sent my son over with the truck to get your stuff and off he went. The next week there was a t-shirt that was knotted up and left at my door step I opened the t-shirt and inside the knot was sharp pieces of glass, the same week my car was keyed.

Mark, my father was a violent alcholic and so was my husband's dad. We hating living at home, just hated it. I don't want round 2. What do you do to get someone to realize that you are not going to change but they need to?

My brother thinks that when he talks to me that it just gives him more fuel for the fire, to say yes that is why I don't live there with them. That keeps him going for another few weeks. When I see him or talk to him on the phone I just keep it to 30 seconds and no more. I figure why give him more fuel for the fire. I think this was another one of his acts to con us. I don't want it to go back to what it was before he left.

Any advice. I am open to anything and even criticism if I am taking a hard approach.

A.

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Hi A.,

Your son has a huge risk of alcoholism and drug addiction given his heredity. I think it's safe to say that he will either have to stay clean and sober -- no use whatsoever -- or he will continue his decline.

I have worked with both adult and teen alcoholics/drug addicts since 1994. The one thing that continues to disturb me greatly -- even after 14 years of working with these clients -- is the unfortunate fact that most must hit several hard bottoms over the course of several years (if not decades) before they can finally agree that their chemical abuse/dependence is a real problem that needs to be addressed. Then, and only then, will the client pursue sobriety.

The insidiousness of drug abuse (i.e., what makes it so dangerous) is that the "drug" becomes the most important thing in the person's life ...more important than health ...more important than family and friends ...more important than getting an education ...more important than work ...sanity ...God ...and even life.

Your son does not see his use of chemicals as a problem. Thus he is not going to stop using them any time soon. So you can say, "Once you start rehab, we will consider letting you come home -- but until that time, you must live elsewhere."

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents