Are Your Raising A Spoiled Child?

Nobody wants to raise a spoiled youngster. But striking a balance between love and over-indulgence can be hard. There are no scientific facts about spoiled kids …no hard facts detailing the subject. However, there are plenty of moms and dads who worry about over-indulging their children, and plenty of professionals who have opinions on the matter.

My definition of a spoiled youngster is one with a sense of entitlement (e.g., "I deserve whatever I want – and I shouldn’t have to work for it”) who has a parent that is over-protective and all-giving (e.g., “Telling my child ‘no’ may damage our relationship”).

What does "over-protective" have to do with spoiled?

Well… over-protective moms and dads don't want their youngster to fail; therefore, they do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen. But at a certain point, these moms and dads are no longer doing their youngster a favor. The youngster becomes accustomed to having things done for him/her, and assumes that everyone will work for his/her success – and that's just not true!

How To Stop Spoiling Your Children—

1. "No" is not a bad word: In other words, you're not hurting your child by saying “no.” In many cases, you may be helping him. Your youngster does not have to love you every minute of every day. He'll get over the disappointment of having been told "no" – but he won't get over the effects of being spoiled.

2. Avoid comparisons: Setting limits and saying "no" becomes even harder when moms and dads of your youngster's friends are saying “yes.” Stand firm by your decisions. Your son may complain that all of his friends have an X Box and nobody will want to come over unless he gets one, too. I suggest telling your youngster to enjoy playing the video game at friends' homes and finding something unique to do at his own home. Your son has qualities and possessions that attract his friends, and they will still want to come over. He should be proud of these things, not embarrassed or upset by what he doesn't have.

3. Avoid materialism: If your parent-child relationship is based on material goods, your youngster won't have the chance to experience unconditional love.

4. Be a good role model: We're not the only influence in our children' lives, so we better be the best influence.

5. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting: Your job as a parent is not to make yourself feel good by giving the youngster everything that makes you feel good when you give it. Your job as a parent is to prepare your youngster to succeed in school and in life. Children have to be socialized in a way that they understand “you work hard for what you get.” You don't want to teach your youngster that they will get everything through manipulation, pouting, crying, door slamming and guilt induction.

6. Make sure your youngster understands the value of hard work: One mother always told her daughters, “If you make Cs, you're going to have a C standard of living. If you make Bs, you're going to have a B standard of living. If you make As, you're going to have an A standard of living.” Help your youngster set goals. Teach her that striving to own nice things is fine if she understands how much hard work it takes to afford that, and then doesn't base her self-worth around what she buys.

7. Make sure your kids aren't defining their happiness and their status in the world as a function of what they wear or drive: Sit down with them and have a one-on-one conversation about what really defines their worth, their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their giving, their work ethic, etc.

8. Money is not the problem: Money has nothing to do with spoiling a youngster. Even kids from low-income families can wind up spoiled. If you are on the phone with your husband, even if you're just talking about dinner plans, and your 7-year-old keeps wanting to talk to you, wants to interrupt and thinks that's OK ... he's spoiled. The youngster assumes you are going to drop everything and pay total attention to him. You have indulged this behavior in the past, and now the youngster expects it all the time. Kids are going to ask for things, and moms and dads are going to want to say “yes.” They simply enjoy giving things to - and doing things for - their children. It's like a high, an honor, a joy. But think about it this way: you don't need all the sugar you want ... so why does your youngster?

9. Prepare your youngster for reality: Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as a grown-up if you've experienced it as a youngster.

10. Redefine what taking care of your kids really means: Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.

11. Set limits and stick by them: It's tiring and tedious and just not fun, but moms and dads must decide what they are willing to give their kids in terms of material goods and attention, and then stand by this decision. Once you take a stand, recognize that your youngster will try to manipulate you. He'll give lots of logical reasons why he needs to have something. But stick with your decision! So if you do buy your youngster a toy after telling him you wouldn't, you can be sure he will persistently badger you the next time you say "no." He now knows that if he's persistent, he can break down your resolve.

12. Stand firm: Of course, this single act is not going to magically change your youngster. You must consistently tell your youngster when you think she is acting spoiled. Explain why you think this and why it's important to compromise or share. Most importantly, begin setting limits and standing by them.

13. Teach charity: For instance, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your youngster, tell him so. Go on to explain that he does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow him to choose a few favorite items, and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach him about giving to others while learning to value what he has.

14. Think of the future: Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your kids, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied by anything!!! They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your youngster, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things – just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not twelve.

15. Understand "intrinsic" versus "extrinsic" motivation: Intrinsic motivation is when people do things because they feel proud of themselves when they do it. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when someone does something because of external motivation (e.g., they will receive money, a toy or privilege if they do the task). If you are always rewarding your youngster with material things, he will never learn how to motivate himself with internal rewards like pride. He also will never learn to value things, because there are so many things - and nothing is special.

==> Discipline for Troubled Teens

How To Be More Assertive: 12 Tips For Parents

There are various parenting styles, ranging from an authoritative type that values obedience and uses strict discipline – to permissive parenting that imposes few limitations and little or no correction.

Assertive parenting is a flexible style that is well suited to a rapidly changing world. It doesn't impose a concrete concept of right and wrong. Instead, it helps kids and teens learn to make choices. It takes certain skills to use assertive parenting effectively.

Are you a passive – or an assertive – parent?

Let’s find out…

A passive parent:

• Allows their kids to cross boundaries - “I’m tired of your constant whining. It gets on my nerves. I want you to stop it. OK?”
• Is prone to begging, pleading, bribing and whining - “If you kids would just do what I ask then I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.”
• Makes wishful and questioning rather than assertive statements - “I wish there were less yelling and arguing. Is that asking too much? What is the matter with you kids?
• Removes the blame from themselves and places it on the kids - “I have spoiled-rotten, entitled kids. They expect everything to be handed to them.”

Clearly, if one has already established a history of passive parenting, making the change to being an assertive parent won’t come overnight. Mistakes are prone to happen and, as parents, we tend to fall back onto what feels comfortable. But the cycle of passive parenting leads to abused and harassed parents - a cycle that should be broken as soon as possible. As moms and dads, we’ll never be perfect. The very best we can do is practice.

An assertive parent:

• Kids are given lots of practice in making choices and guided to see the consequences of those choices.
• Kids are part of deciding how to make amends when someone - or something - has been hurt.
• Kids learn to accept responsibility, make wiser choices, cope with change, and are better equipped to succeed in a work-force which relies on cooperative problem-solving.
• Clarifying issues, parents give reasons for limits.
• Parents establish basic guidelines for kids.
• Teaching children to take responsibility is a high priority.
• Misbehavior is handled with an appropriate consequence or by problem-solving with the youngster to find an acceptable way to get desires met.
• Out-of-control kids have "cool-off" time, not punishment.

Being assertive does not equate to being aggressive or threatening. Instead, assertive parenting incorporates the use of statements that do not place blame and are direct. Assertive statements are designed in such a way as to not leave room for questioning and will often use the word "I".

Some examples:

• "I want the arguing to stop now."
• "If you do not finish your homework in the allotted time, I will have no choice but to eliminate television time."
• "When you whine, it really bothers me. I would prefer you use your regular voice when you would like something."

These statements all clearly indicate what needs to be accomplished without resorting to aggressive or threatening behavior. Often kids like to push back and see what the limits really are and, in these cases, establishing clearly what the consequences will gives them the guidelines they require.

How To Be More Assertive In Your Parenting—

1. Be Honest with Kids— Don't lie to a youngster or promise what isn't in your power to deliver. Telling a youngster that the sun will be shining for a picnic is folly at best, and can destroy his faith in your integrity. Promising that another youngster will like him is another dangerous parent trap, causing more distress in the long run. Being honest about life's struggles teaches kids to share feelings and deal with reality rather than deny or avoid it.

2. Communicate Your Expectations Clearly— Assertive parenting involves being very clear in your expectations. A youngster cannot behavior properly if she does not know exactly what that entails. For example, you might say, "Clean your room" and then be upset when she makes her bed, does a cursory pick-up of the floor and considers the job done. To her, that may be "clean." Specify what you want by saying, "Change the linens, vacuum the floor, put your clothes away and take out the trash." Then she knows exactly what you want her to do and can perform accordingly.

3. Exercise Parental Leadership— Stand up courageously and be counted as a parent, not a buddy. Young people are in need of clear, positive leadership. They already have plenty of peers.

4. Foster Self-Esteem— Even your choice of rewards can help guide your kids into the comfort of assertiveness. When kids learn to feel proud of themselves, they have gained a life-long skill. Say, "Pat yourself on the back" to foster self-confidence. Do that more often than giving gifts and treats.

5. Offer Choices— Assertive parenting is focused on teaching kids to make choices and to take responsibility for the outcome. Discuss the situation with your son or daughter before any action is taken. The youngster can identify various options, and the parent can guide the youngster through a discussion of the probable outcomes of each choice. Then the youngster can select her preferred choice based on this analytical approach.

6. Have a Plan for Consequences— Think before speaking, and back up those words with firm, caring actions. Thinking through consequences can be done beforehand, when things are calm. Carrying out the consequences can be done in a matter of fact manner, expressing faith in the youngster's ability to come out ahead in the end. This allows the youngster to feel a sense of family as opposed to being at odds with moms and dads.

7. Impose Consequences Directly Related to the Misbehavior— Assertive parenting involves using discipline that is directly tied into what the youngster did wrong. For example, if the youngster breaks something, he would be required to fix it or to earn the money to do so. The parent might impose the consequence, or she might discuss the situation with the youngster and get his input on what an appropriate punishment would be.

8. Impose Cooling-Off Time in Response to Outbursts— An assertive parent directs her youngster to a cooling-off period when the youngster is throwing a tantrum or having an emotional outburst. This takes the place of punishment. Instead, the youngster is taught that expressing emotions is okay – but not in an inappropriate way. The cooling-off time provides times for reflection so he can calm down and decide on a more effective way to express himself.

9. It's OK to Say “No”— It is sometimes believed that saying no too often can squelch a youngster's self-esteem, creativity, or confidence, yet the opposite is more often the case. There isn't any need for apology or guilt when "no" is needed. One of the most common pitfalls moms and dads suffer is vagueness of language. Parents don't have to be mean, just clear.

10. Manage Parental Stress— Do what you can to reduce stress by dealing with temper. Deal with your own feelings on a regular basis so you can keep an even disposition with kids. Keep the number of issues to be corrected close to one (1). Trying to tackle multiple issues at once creates confusion and frustration. Develop a poor memory for the bad times – and a great memory for the good times.

11. Monitor Your Success— Keep a journal of successes and challenges, and jot down strategies and solutions. Forgive yourself when you mess up.

12. Use Humor— Remember to carry the emotional first-aid kit of humor at all times. It will help the whole family through the rough spots of daily life. Moms and dads can model the skill of not taking things too seriously. Modeling humor is one of the most effective methods for parenting assertively.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents