How To Get Defiant Children To Do Chores

Doing chores is a tradition in most families. Chores help children learn responsibility. We all need to feel needed and to know that we're making a contribution – especially children! So how do you get your children on board?  

Here are a few tips:

1. Be precise with instructions. “Clean your room” is vague and can be interpreted in any number of ways. Instead, be specific by saying something like, “Put your clean clothes in the dresser, dirty clothes in the hamper, games in the closet, and dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.”

2. Be consistent. If your children aren't expected to regularly follow through, they might start putting a chore off in the hope that someone else will do it for them.

3. Praise, praise, and praise. Get that praise up and running right away! Don't wait until the chore is done. Praise and encourage the youngster while the chore is in progress. You want to build positive momentum, especially with younger children.

4. Start giving chores at age 2. You might think your youngster is too young, but he or she is more capable than you think. Children can do a lot of chores at an early stage (e.g., getting clothes to the laundry, cleaning up after dinner, etc.). Some parents hold back too long because they think their young children are incapable of following through. But that puts the cart before the horse (i.e., kids learn by doing). A defiant 14-year-old is more likely to complete chores if he or she has being doing them for the previous 12 years.

5. Tolerate imperfection. Of course, no child is perfect, and it's better to have a more relaxed approach to how well your children do chores. Otherwise, you will have a power struggle on your hands (or you might jump in and do the chore for them, which would undermine the whole point).

6. Teach the proper way to do chores. Show your child how to do the chore step by step. Next, let him or her help you do it. Then have your youngster do the chore as you supervise. Once your youngster has it mastered, he or she is ready to go solo.

7. Minimize the use of reminders and deadlines. You want the chore to get done without you micromanaging it. Use the "when/then" technique (e.g., "When the dog is fed, you can have your after school snack").

8. Make a chores chart. Create a list of every task that needs to be done. Have your children pick out the task they would most like to do. Then create a chart. Check that everyone has an age-appropriate chore (see below). Then divide the chart into three columns: (1) one is for the list of chores and whose chore it is, (2) another is for deadlines, and (3) the last one is for making a check mark when the chore is done. Put the chart where everyone can see it and let everyone follow through on their own tasks.

9. Don’t give money for chores. Chores are about teaching responsibility and learning household tasks. True, children need to learn how to handle money, but not by doing chores they are supposed to do anyway. It's especially important to not tie allowances to chores for younger children, because they may be less motivated by money and simply choose to not do them. (Note: There’s one exception. For older children who already know how to be responsible, money can become a nice motivator for doing extra chores above and beyond their usual ones. So, let them bid on those extra chores, and then you pick the lowest bid.)

10. Your youngster can do more than you think. A youngster who has mastered a complicated computer game can easily run a dishwasher. In general, preschoolers can handle one or two simple one-step or two-step tasks. Older kids can manage much more. So, give your children more credit for being smart enough to do what is asked of them, and don’t step in to do the chore for them if they are moving too slowly or are not completing the chore to your perfectionistic specifications.

Here are some suggestions for chores sorted by age...

Chores for kids ages 2 to 3:
•    Dust
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Wipe up spills

Chores for kids ages 4 to 5:
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Clear table
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Make their bed
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Water flowers
•    Wipe up spills

Chores for kids ages 6 to 7:
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Clear table
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Help make and pack lunch
•    Keep bedroom tidy
•    Make their bed
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Set and clear table
•    Sort laundry
•    Sweep floors
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Water flowers
•    Weed and rake leaves
•    Wipe up spills

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Chores for kids ages 8 to 9:
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Clear table
•    Cook simple foods, such as toast
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Help make and pack lunch
•    Help make dinner
•    Keep bedroom tidy
•    Load dishwasher
•    Make own breakfast
•    Make own snacks
•    Make their bed
•    Mop floor
•    Peel vegetables
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put away groceries
•    Put away own laundry
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Set and clear table
•    Sew buttons
•    Sort laundry
•    Sweep floors
•    Take pet for a walk
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Vacuum
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Wash table after meals
•    Water flowers
•    Weed and rake leaves
•    Wipe up spills

Chores for kids ages 10 and older:
•    Baby-sit younger siblings (with adult in the home)
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Change their bed sheets
•    Clean bathroom
•    Clean kitchen
•    Clean oven
•    Clear table
•    Cook simple foods, such as toast
•    Cook simple meal with supervision
•    Do laundry
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Fold laundry
•    Help make and pack lunch
•    Help make dinner
•    Iron clothes
•    Keep bedroom tidy
•    Load dishwasher
•    Make own breakfast
•    Make own snacks
•    Make their bed
•    Mop floor
•    Peel vegetables
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put away groceries
•    Put away own laundry
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Set and clear table
•    Sew buttons
•    Sort laundry
•    Sweep floors
•    Take pet for a walk
•    Unload dishwasher
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Vacuum
•    Wash car
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Wash table after meals
•    Wash windows
•    Water flowers
•    Weed and rake leaves
•    Wipe up spills

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Uncontrollable Anger in Your Teenager

Anger in teens takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of anger (i.e., the behavior) that parents see. Some adolescents may repress their anger and withdraw, while others may be more defiant and destroy property.

Anger is an emotion – not a behavior, and it is usually caused by something going on in the adolescent's life. Treating uncontrollable anger in teens generally involves several types of psychotherapy and training for your teen – as well as for you. Treatment often lasts several months or longer. If your son or daughter has co-existing conditions (e.g., ADHD), medications may help significantly improve symptoms. However, medications alone generally aren't used for anger-related issues unless another disorder co-exists.

Here are 17 crucial tips for dealing with uncontrollable anger in your teenager:

1. At first, your teen probably won't be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his or her behavior. Expect that you'll have setbacks and relapses, and be prepared with a plan to manage those times. In fact, behavior can temporarily worsen when new limits and expectations are set. However, with perseverance and consistency, the initial hard work often pays off with improved behavior and relationships.

2. Be forgiving. Let go of things that you or your teen did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate.

3. Build in time together. Develop a consistent weekly schedule that involves you and your teen spending time together.

4. Assign your teen a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless the teen does it. Initially, it's important to set your teen up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve and gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations. Give clear, easy-to-follow instructions.

5. Consider individual and family therapy. Individual counseling for your teen may help him or her learn to manage anger and express his or her feelings more healthfully. Family counseling may help improve your communication and relationships, and help members of your family learn how to work together.

6. Employ social skills training. Your teen might benefit from therapy that will help him or her learn how to interact more positively and effectively with peers.

7. Learn ways to calm yourself. Keeping your own cool models the behavior you want from your teen.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

8. Model the behavior you want your teen to have.

9. Pick your battles. Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it.

10. Recognize and praise your teen's positive behaviors. Be as specific as possible, such as, "I really liked the way you helped wash dishes."

11. Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your teen. Asking your teen to help develop that routine may be beneficial.

12. Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences.

13. Research parent-teen interaction therapy (PCIT). During PCIT, therapists coach moms and dads while they interact with their teenagers. In one approach, the therapist sits behind a one-way mirror and, using an "ear bug" audio device, guides moms and dads through strategies that reinforce their teenager's positive behavior. As a result, parents learn more-effective parenting techniques, the quality of the parent-teen relationship improves, and problem behaviors decrease.

14. Take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise and spend some time away from your teen to restore your energy.

15. Try cognitive problem-solving training. This type of therapy is aimed at helping your teen identify and change through patterns that are leading to behavior problems. Collaborative problem-solving — in which you and your teen work together to come up with solutions that work for both of you — can help improve anger-related problems.

16. Work with your spouse or others in your household to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.

17. Get involved in parent training. A mental health provider with experience treating uncontrollable anger in teens may help you develop skills that will allow you to parent in a way that's more positive and less frustrating for you and your teen. In some cases, your teen may participate in this type of training with you, so that everyone in your family develops shared goals for how to handle problems. As part of parent training, you may learn how to: 

• avoid power struggles;
• establish a schedule for the family that includes specific meals that will be eaten at home together, and specific activities that mom and/or dad will do with the teen;
• give effective timeouts;
• limit consequences to those that can be consistently reinforced and if possible, last for a limited amount of time;
• offer acceptable choices to your teen, giving him or her a certain amount of control;
• recognize and praise your teen's good behaviors and positive characteristics; 
• remain calm and unemotional in the face of opposition, or take your own timeout, if necessary.

Moms and dads must be aware of signs to look for in an angry and aggressive adolescent. It's common for adolescents to fight with their moms and dads, peers and siblings, but certain signs and symptoms are indicative of a bigger problem. When an adolescent appears isolated, spends a lot of time in his or her room, or does not want to participate in typical activities, you may have a reason for concern.

A drop in grades, lack of appetite, sleeplessness or too much sleep is also a sign that an adolescent is troubled. Crying often or constantly finding a reason to argue is also a common trait in an angry adolescent. When an adolescent feels very angry or out of control, aggression can take over. Physical contact, such as pushing or smacking a parent, sibling or peer, is a clear indication that the adolescent needs help.

Although some parent management techniques may seem like common sense, learning to use them in the face of opposition isn't easy, especially if there are other stressors at home. Learning these skills will require consistent practice and patience. Most important in treatment is for you to show consistent, unconditional love and acceptance of your teen — even during difficult and disruptive situations. Don't be too hard on yourself. This process can be tough for even the most patient mother or father.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents