Defiant Teens and Manipulative Behaviors

Defiant teens know how to push their parents' buttons. Instinctively, they come with an arsenal of tools to get what they want, avoid getting into trouble, or cause their moms and dads to blow a fuse out of frustration. This is called manipulative behavior. There are smart ways to counteract the manipulation. Below are some important suggestions on what you can do if you have a defiant, manipulative teen.

How to Deal with Manipulative Behavior:

1. Agree on strategies to deal with your adolescent's manipulative behavior with your spouse/partner. For example, if you tell your adolescent that she can't go out on a Friday night until she finishes her homework, it will be useless unless your spouse/partner tells her the same thing. If an adolescent does not get her way with one parent, she may go to the weaker parent to get what she wants.

2. Be consistent. Learn to say “no” with some strength behind it when you mean it. If your “no” often becomes a “yes” because your teenager has been successful at wearing you down, a pattern of emotional blackmail can result. Your teenager has learned that being relentless works. So say “no,” state your reason, make it short and to the point, and walk away.

3. Be honest with your teenager about her manipulative behaviors. Have a frank and upfront discussion about how you understand what she is trying to do and how it makes you feel. Expect her to deny ever doing any of the things you say she is doing. However, continue to explain that you don't care for the way she is manipulating you and she must stop immediately.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Claim your bottom line. Manipulative behaviors are designed to throw you off balance and create self-doubt. Knowing your own bottom line as a mother or father will help you when your teen comes at you with her resourceful ways to make you unsure of yourself and lose your center. Hold on to your parenting principles. Be careful not to let your teen’s emotions drive you. Listen to her feelings so she knows you care, but stick to the rules you've established.

5. Display a sense of confidence. Manipulative teens mostly target those parents whom they think to be low on self-esteem and having a less amount of self-confidence. Don’t portray yourself as a parent who is naive and can’t stand up for his or her parenting principles. Walk tall with your head high and show that you feel really confident about your parenting decisions.

6. Do not allow your adolescent to bully you to get his way. Speak to him in a firm voice (e.g., "Are you trying to bully me?"). Asking him this question lets him know that his behavior is inappropriate and that you will not put up with it.

7. Don’t get drawn into lengthy discussions. If your teenager is asking you for something you have some flexibility on, go ahead and listen to her argument as long as she’s being respectful. If it seems reasonable to you, you can decide to change your “no” to a “yes.” However, if you don’t change your mind, only discuss it with her up to a certain point. Stop giving her your counterpoints and disengage. You’ll know when it’s time for you to stop when you feel like your buttons are being pushed. Pay attention to this and swiftly end the conversation and disengage. Don’t say another word. Walk into another room or out of the house. Engaging at all, in any way, will only add fuel to the fire.

8. Don’t try to explain yourself after you’ve said “no.” Once you’ve said “no,” any attempt on your part to justify it will not matter. All your teenager is listening for is whether or not your decision still stands. If you continue the conversation, all it will be about is her trying to get you to change your “no” to a “yes.” So, don’t get hooked into trying to get your teenager to “understand” and be “okay “with your decision. As far as she’s concerned, any “no” is totally unfair. You will get nowhere trying to make your “no” acceptable.

9. Understand that a defiant teen is a work in progress. She might need to learn better ways to manage herself in life, but she is not bad or malicious. Her intentions are not to “hurt you” or make your life miserable; however, if you believe that's her intention, then you will see her that way. Believing in your teen will help her see herself with all the goodness that is in her and with all her best intentions.

10. Have realistic expectations. It’s unlikely that your “no” will be followed by your teenager saying, “Okay, fine.” Manipulation will probably follow instead. So, be prepared for it. It’s what defiant teens do. And as difficult as it is to say “no” (because of what you know will follow), it’s also extremely important to learn to say it and stick with it.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Identify what kind of manipulative behavior your teen is trying to use. Manipulative behavior is all about control. Most teenage “manipulators” try to make the parent do things for them by getting the parent to feel a sense of guilt or sympathy. So, learn to identify this. Instinctively, defiant teens develop tactics to get what they want -- and avoid what they don’t want. These tactics work when they trigger a reaction in the parent. So, pay attention to your triggers. For example, your teenager might try to emotionally blackmail you by acting depressed until she gets what she wants. This will be a trigger for you if you believe your job is to keep your teenager happy.

Start by asking yourself if your job is to make her happy, or to help her prepare for adulthood. If it's the latter, then you can answer with, “I'm sorry you're upset, but you're still grounded this evening.” Another common manipulation involves anger (e.g., "That’s not fair!!!"). Don’t take statements like this to heart (e.g., “I know you think this isn’t fair, but you do need to shut the computer down now."). Some teens will play the victim-role and say things such as, “All my friends can stay out past 11:00." Don’t take the bait. Separate out the emotional content from what your teenager is trying to get. Hear her feelings about being the “only one” who can't stay out late, but stand strong on your curfew time.

12. Know what triggers your negative reactions. Your teen may display a certain tone of voice, a certain look, an attitude or certain actions that may upset you and get you to react. Manipulative behaviors therefore might set you off. If you prepare for them by knowing your buttons, they will be less likely to get pushed. (Here’s an example: You have a strong need for approval from your teenager, so hearing her say “I hate you” is a trigger for you. You want to “keep the peace,” so instinctively, you let her off the hook so she won’t be unhappy with you.) Recognizing your triggers will help you plan and prepare for how not to let your teenager push your buttons.

13. Listen before you speak. When your teenager asks for what he wants, listen. Give his requests the consideration they deserve. That does not mean always saying yes, but it does mean giving them some honest thought. If your teenager knows he can come to you directly, he will be less likely to try to get what he wants indirectly.

14. Realize that manipulative behavior is normal behavior in defiant teens. It’s important to realize that your teenager’s attempt to get you to change your mind and say “yes” is normal.  When you realize he’s not doing it because of some terrible pathology inside of him, it will help you relax and deal with the behavior. Rather than reacting with panic or worry, if you’ve thought things through and are comfortable with your decision, just stick to your guns. Caving in to your teenager’s demands in order to steer clear of his tirades will only teach him that manipulation works.

15. Some teens use lying to get what they want from parents. These lies can be either blatant, or subtle "white lies." But no matter the form, lying can be an effective way to manipulate you if you’re not careful. It's really hard to deal with children who lie. You may get burned a time or two before you see that you are being misled big time. Once you have caught your child in a lie, refuse to accept anything she says as true. Withhold your trust and explain to her that the lies must stop now, and she will have to prove herself to earn your trust again.

16. Take care of yourself. Be in charge of your own emotional health. Don’t give in to your teen’s manipulations so that you can feel calmer. If you need him to be happy or to validate you, then you might inadvertently give in to your teen so that you can feel good. But each time you justify his behavior and let him off the hook so that you feel better, he learns that these behaviors are effective and he grows to depend on them. Instead, learn to tolerate him being upset, which will in turn help him to tolerate his uncomfortable emotions. Managing your own calm will free your teen up to learn how to manage his life and get his needs met without resorting to manipulative behaviors.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

How many times have you said something like, “My child can focus on TV, movies or video games for hours, but getting her to complete homework is like pulling teeth”?

Kids, even defiant ones, usually don’t consciously choose to fail. Yet, your child refuses to do her homework, which causes her to fail. Neither you nor your child know why she is sabotaging herself.

Most moms and dads struggle with getting their youngster to complete homework after school.  Rarely is a kid ever eager to get back to work when she returns home from a long day in the classroom. To minimize “homework battles” (i.e., parent-child conflict over homework), you need to understand why your child is resistant to doing homework in the first place. 

Here are just a few possibilities:

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

So, what is a parent to do? Below are some tips that will help your child be less neglectful of his homework assignments – BUT – these ideas will take some hard work on your part too:

1. Be a cheerleader. Some children need a little extra boost of confidence. Let’s say your youngster has a big test to study for, but can’t seem to get started. You can help out by running through the first few problems until she gets the hang of it. Or you might brainstorm with your youngster to help her choose a topic for the big paper she has to write. You're not doing the work for her, rather you're helping her to get going so the task doesn't seem so daunting.

2. Be clear and firm, but don’t argue with your kids about homework. Make eye contact and tell them calmly that they are responsible for the work.

3. Choose a powerful incentive that your youngster will recognize as meaningful. This might be extra time on the computer, a special meal, or attending an activity that she is looking forward to. Incentives can be phased out when kids attend to the homework responsibly.

4. Communicate regularly with your youngster's educators so that you can deal with any behavior patterns before they become a major problem.

5. Consider adding in break times (e.g., your child might work on her math homework for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break).

6. Contact the teacher as soon as you suspect that your youngster has a homework problem. Schools have a responsibility to keep moms and dads informed, and you have a right to be upset if you don't find out until report-card time that your youngster is having difficulties. On the other hand, sometimes moms and dads figure out that a problem exists before the teacher does. By alerting the teacher, you can work together to solve a problem in its early stages.

7. Don't do the assignments yourself. It's not your homework – it's your youngster's. Doing assignments for your youngster won't help him understand and use information. And it won't help him become confident in his own abilities. It can be hard for moms and dads to let kids work through problems alone and learn from their mistakes. It's also hard to know where to draw the line between supporting and doing.

8. Engage your youngster in constructive, mind-building activities – any activity that supports learning (e.g., reading, puzzles, educational games, library visits, walks in the neighborhood, trips to the zoo or museums, chores that teach a sense of responsibility, etc.). Join in these activities yourself.

9. Help your youngster get organized. It's a good idea to set a regular time and place for kids to do homework. Also, stick to a routine as much as possible. Put up a calendar in a place where you'll see it often and record assignments on it. Writing out assignments will get him used to the idea of keeping track of what's due and when. You may want to use an assignment book instead of a calendar.

10. If you understand something about the style of learning that suits your youngster, it will be easier for you to help her. If you've never thought about this style, observe your youngster. See if she works better alone or with someone else. If your youngster gets more done when working with someone else, she may want to complete some assignments with a brother or sister or a classmate. (Some homework, however, is meant to be done alone. Check with the teacher if you aren't sure.) Does your youngster learn things best when she can see them? If so, drawing a picture or a chart may help with some assignments. Does your youngster learn things best when she can hear them? She may need to listen to a story or have directions read to her. Too much written material or too many pictures or charts may confuse her. Does your youngster understand some things best when she can handle or move them? An apple cut four or six or eight ways can help kids learn fractions.

11. Involve your child. As your youngster matures, you should involve her in setting expectations, rewards, and consequences. This empowers her, which may improve her self-esteem and reinforce the concept that she is in charge of her own behavior.

12. Keep the house generally quiet during homework time.

13. Kids are more likely to complete assignments successfully when moms and dads monitor homework. How closely you need to monitor depends upon the age of your youngster, how independent she is, and how well she does in school. Whatever the age of your youngster, if assignments are not getting done satisfactorily, more supervision is needed.

14. Look over completed assignments when possible. It's usually a good idea to check to see that your youngster has finished her assignments. If you're not there when an assignment is finished, look it over when you get home. After the teacher returns completed homework, read the comments to see if your youngster has done the assignments satisfactorily.

15. Make sure your child has enough “space” for doing her work. For some children, this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Make your youngster responsible for her choices. All privileges are suspended until the work is done, even if it takes all evening.

17. Model good study habits. Kids are more likely to study if they see you reading, writing, and doing things that require thought and effort on your part. Talk with your youngster about what you're reading and writing, even if it's something as simple as making the grocery list. Also, tell them about what you do at work.

18. Offer snacks to keep your youngster “fueled-up” for the work.

19. Pre-teach. It’s easier to prevent negative behaviors in defiant children than to deal with them after they occur. A very effective tool is to pre-teach behavior prior to an event (in this case, doing homework) or potentially vulnerable situation. This involves talking with the child in detail about what will be happening, why, and what her role and expected behaviors will be. Pre-teaching reduces anxiety, clarifies expectations, and builds confidence.

20. Reward the youngster appropriately for good behavior and tasks completed. Set up a clear system of rewards so that your youngster knows what to expect when she completes a task or improves behavior.

21. Seek outside assistance. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by “homework battles,” speak to a professional. It's only natural that you have needs and questions in this process, so seek help when needed.

22. Separate the youngster's behavior from the youngster, using thought rather than feelings. Another way to say this is "disengage" from the defiant behavior. (This doesn’t mean ignore it.) Consistency and follow through on consequences still apply, especially when it comes to “homework refusal.”

23. Set a good example. Children don't always show it, but their parents are very important. They are watching YOUR behavior. Thus, if you are a “follow through” person (i.e., someone who always starts what he finishes), then you will be modeling “task completion” skills for your child, and she will likely follow your lead.

24. Share concerns with the teacher. You may want to contact the teacher if:

• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them

25. Show an interest. Make time to take your youngster to the library to check out materials needed for homework (and for fun too), and read with your youngster as often as you can. Talk about school and learning activities in family conversations. Ask your youngster what was discussed in class that day. If he doesn't have much to say, try another approach. For example, ask your youngster to read aloud a story he wrote, or discuss the results of a science experiment. Another good way to show your interest is to attend school activities, such as parent-teacher meetings, shows, and sports events. If you can, volunteer to help in the classroom or at special events. Getting to know some classmates and other moms and dads not only shows you're interested, but helps build a network of support for you and your youngster.

26. Talk about the assignments. Ask your youngster questions. Talking can help him think through an assignment and break it down into small, workable parts. Here are some sample questions:

• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 

If your youngster is still confused, ask:

• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

27. Talk with educators early in the school year. Get acquainted before problems arise, and let educators know that you want to be kept informed. Most schools invite moms and dads to come to parent-teacher conferences or open houses. If your youngster's school doesn't provide such opportunities, call the teacher to set up a meeting.

28. Tie responsibilities to privileges. When your youngster chooses to do her work reliably, she may then expect to participate in activities that interest her.

29. Use a broken record technique to respond to any rebuttal your youngster may offer (e.g., "I hear you, but I want you to start your homework now").

30. Use a timer. Some moms and dads find that using a timer for “homework time” is a good way to build and reinforce structure. Setting a reasonable time limit for completing homework helps train your youngster to expect limitations, even on unpleasant activities like homework. Giving your youngster a time limit for completing his work is useful, especially if you reward finishing on time.

Homework is a major struggle in many homes, but it doesn’t have to be.  Recognizing why your youngster might be fighting it is key to establishing healthy homework habits.  By doing this, you may find you have fewer battles to fight on that front.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents